I lost her, I need her back :(

My name is Richard Travers, I am not a very happy person, I have had one of the worst lives imaginable, it all started as a child, I was born in to a broken home with an abusive mother and stepfather, my real father had severe mental health problems, this was when it all started going wrong for me, as a child I was always depressed with many symptoms of distress and mental illness. I spent the most of my life Homeless living in Hostel's around the UK, on medication for PTSD, Depression and Psychosis.

Then I met someone very special to me, her name was "Esther Grubenmann". She was from Switzerland and we met in a Hostel in Newquay. We became friends and after a few weeks we fell in love with each other, after a month or so she found work in the UK and decided to stay here with me, we spent about six months living in a room together at a place called "SharkBait" it was an attic room through the winter, we would stay in and play computer games together whilst storms would rage and batter against our window, watch movies and write music.

Things began to look up for me, and we eventually moved to our first house in Truro, it was small but it was all we could afford, Esther found a better job and we settled down together getting our first pet, a Dalmatian we called "Boosta" and we even bought a car. after about a year, the landlord decided to sell the property and we hunted around, after no time at all we found our dream home, a 4 bed house right near the beach in Perranporth, it was a huge house with two balconies both overlooking a massive garden which "Boosta" used to love tearing about in. I worked on my music and eventually turned the front room in to a small home studio, I can not tell you how Happy I was, it seemed as though my life couldn't get any better, I had finally made it out of the Hostels for good, in an amazing home with a lovely girlfriend who I adored, We spent three years together at that house, "Wheel golden house" in Perranporth.

Things got even better after that too, It had always been my dream to move out of the UK in to Europe, Holland was somewhere I had spent some time as a teenager, I love the place to death, specifically the city of the Hague. The cycling and high standard of living, it's beach and the strange Dutch customs were so cool. I decided to put it to Esther that we think about moving there, she would be able to earn more and we were both a little tiered of the UK, so with some planning and a little help from our families, Dan our neighbor agreed to take us out there, we hired a removal van and packed it to the roof with everything we could fit in it, We had to sedate "Boosta" he was so excited and we left for the Netherlands.

Holland was amazing, it was everything we had hoped it would be. We stayed in B&B's for a month or so whilst Esther looked for work, when she had found a job we rented a small flat in Den Haag, near to the beach, it wasn't a very nice flat, but it was a foothold for the time being, we stayed there for a year whilst I showed Esther around the City, it was all new to her but she grew to love the plaice as I did.

Our luck just kept getting better, I received some inheritance (about £17.000)! We could finally move out of our squllid little flat to somewhere nicer. There is a street in Den Haag called "Frederik Hendriklaan" it's in the most wealthy district of Dan Haag and perhaps the nicest street I have ever known, we put in for an apartment there and were accepted!!! It was a huge place, with a massive double front room, high ceilings and even a balcony at the back. The first six months were spent buying new furniture and new studio equipment for my music. Esther continued to work and I decided to go to study at "SAE" In Rotterdam, the famous sound engineering School.

I had been at SAE for about a year, and was traveling home late one night after study, I phoned Esther to say I was on my way, everything seemed fine, we told each other that we loved each other, I would be back in an hour or so. The tram dropped me off and I walked in to an empty flat, There was no Esther or Boosta, on the coffee table was a short note, she was leaving me and not to try and contact her. I broke down immediately, this couldn't be happening, I sat there and read the note over and over but there was no escaping reality, she was gone and I would probably never see her or Boosta again

After that I had a terrile brakdown, the Dutch medical authorities were really great though, they took good care of me and prescribed me a large dose of Arripiprizol and an even larger dose of Citralopam, after about six weeks of crying myself to sleep every night the medication kicked in, I was however unable to pay the rent and about to lose my dream home as well.

It all fell apart from there, I couldn't cope or afford to live in Holland anymore, I had no money left, I had lost my Home, my Girlfriend, my sound engineering course and even my beloved dog "Boosta", I found some post of Esthers, it was from her bankc, I opened it, in it was her new address, I didn't know what to do, I wanted to go there and beg her to come back and talk to me, but it was all to late and I had to go back to the UK, Homeless and alone again, it had been an amazing six years but it was all over and I was facing a huge comedown, I had lost everything and I had ever loved and things were about to get even worse.

It's been three years since I came back, I think about Esther and "Boosta" every day. life here is pretty honeysuckle, I have no friends, my familly are horrid and of no support. I spent a year in a bedsit then got in to a council flat, where I am writing this to you from now.

I miss Esther Grubenmaan so much, the pain of losing her and everything else that fell apart is so unbearable, I have been contemplating suicide. I am going to order a rope from e-bay tonight and when it arrives I shall start looking for a bridge somewhere near me in a secluded spot, then when the right night comes instead of crying myself to sleep again I will take that walk and end it all.

That's all I have to say, I am crying as I write this, I will try and keep posting for a few more days until it arrives, perhaps one of you can talk me out of it, but I doubt you will be able too, when I set my mind to something I go through with it.

Richard.

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We don't encourage suicide here so I'll post this link to our suicide resource.

http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=3079

I didn't read all of your post, it's a lot honestly. I did skim over paragraphs and got the whole of your story. After everything you've been through, I don't know why you'd give up now. You've made it this far why not keep fighting and keep going. Everyone loses someone they care about and it can be hard to deal with but you have to and move on. I'd hate to see someone who has mad it through such a rough life give up on it.

Hey Richard

I'm not gonna sugercoat this; life is hard, real ******* hard, heck you know that full well but you know what else it also can be? It can be amazing, it can be magical, exhilarating, exciting and so much more. This you also know full well, dont deny that.

Wanna know something else cool about it? You have that power and opportunity in you to make it like that again, you didnt reach that high spot in your life out of sheer luck so a second shot at this is doable, a must even. We all go through really bad patches, some worse than you, some not so bad, but altogether we push on because hey, thats life, it may kick you down but it has the decency to sometimes stand back and reward you when you stand up

I believe that reward is waiting for you when you stand up

Put the past behind you, those are heavy weights dragging you down and you need them gone to achieve a life even better than what you had.

Stand up, you dont need a plan for now or any long term future strategies to create and follow, stand up, look in the mirror and look deeply into your own eyes, know whats there to see? Someone who's totally ******* worth it because you achieved in life what millions could never dream of reaching, you explored an overseas country, had a beautiful house, had almost everything. Know that feeling your feeling now as you read that? Bitter sadness right? Well know what you can also feel? Sheer determination, you lost a lot, but you know what? fresia THAT, ******* stand up and fight your way back, tooth and nail, dont give up until you are back on track again because you will get back on track

Create a life even better than the one you had, because it IS possible, find your strengths and use them, you sound like a musician, put your emotions into music, let the results be known to the world and profit from it.

Ultimately life is a story, are you gonna end it on a pitiful note as the man who could but never did? Or as the man who could, and did, and is the happiest person alive because of it. You only have one shot at life man, dont end it on a bad note like it is now, there is light to be found at the end of that dark tunnel, and I promise you are very close to it

I wish for only the best

Koos

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through.

fresia, that's a rough go, man. I wonder what had happened to her that she felt the need to walk out?

I wonder now if it's better to have loved and lost, the never at all. Do you not think you could ever find that again with someone? Do you think maybe you could continue where you left off with your music? You were that strong once, what's not to say you couldn't do it again? Maybe it'd be easier, after all you've got that much more experience now.

You've come so ******* far from where you were. I hope that maybe one day, I will be able to pick myself up from where I am and be able to prove myself and make it like you did. Even if I lost it all, at least I know that I could do it. It has to take some grit determination and perseverance and hope and strength and resolve... It would just seem like such a shame to know you have all that in you, to just give it up. I really think you need to give that person in you another chance again, because you know he was there and you know that he was happy and could be incredible.

KoosKoos said:

Ultimately life is a story, are you gonna end it on a pitiful note as the man who could but never did? Or as the man who could, and did, and is the happiest person alive because of it. You only have one shot at life man, dont end it on a bad note like it is now, there is light to be found at the end of that dark tunnel, and I promise you are very close to it

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I love this. I am a wallower. I wallow after everything bad has happened in my life. Lots of us have terrible things happen to us, but there are awesome things as well. Look for small positives first, they'll build up to bigger and bigger ones.

That was a beautiful story... A joy to read...

I recognize the unhappy ending, the loss, the possible unanswered questions, and the emptiness it has left you with.

I'm not exactly sure what my response is, other than, your short story, a tale of love, and good times, was beautiful.

I had this thought just now... of a sort of man, who saw beauty in what he could see, and most especially had a fondness for flowers. One day he loses his sight. He losses the most crucial sense to him, the most meaningful. No longer will he see the beautiful reds of a rose, the blue of the sea, the green of the trees, the white of clouds, and the shimmer of stars. Then I had a vision, of him one day smelling a rose, and getting a glimmer of hope, a little glimpse, or more properly, the scent of beauty of back... Day by day, he rediscovers beauty. The scent of coffee brewing in the cafe down the street. He can taste the smell of the food cooking. He can hear the wind as it manifests it's presence in sound, by passing along the leaves of a tree. He discovers the sound of silence the stars emit, on a clear night. And he realizes the love expressed through a hug from a friend, is no less richer, for not being able to see the face of the person giving it.

Loss is hard... I will make an effort to try and come up with more to say, later. My heart goes out to you, and your story was touching, a joy to read, despite the tragic ending, it was beautiful and warming to read of such a great love, good life, good times...

Hang in there if you can.. Perhaps, hopefully, and may you, get a small whiff of beauty, riding along the air, to rekindle the fire of hope. May joy, however small and humble, find you soon.

-take care

Wow, your post is so painful¡ The worst part is the silence, why didn't she give you an explication¡¡¡ Im so sorry¡¡

Thanks everyone. not really feeling up to posting but was pretty surprised by all your responses.

I didn't order the rope tonight, but I don't know how much longer I can cope, I'll keep checking in with you guys and answer some of your posts if I can.

Thanks

Richard.

I am a musician and have put together a piece of music dedicated to Esther, if she ever reads this post? This is for you "Esther Grubenmann"



Very sad at the moment

Keep on Keeping on Richard Travers. You've been through a lot, and loss is hard. So many of us here have been through this situation and we can all say that it sucks. Ask as many questions as you'd like, or post your feelings as much as you need to. People here listen. I'm sorry you are suffering this right now. Keep posting here, and don't buy that rope.

RichardTravers said:

I am a musician and have put together a piece of music dedicated to Esther, if she ever reads this post? This is for you "Esther Grubenmann"



Very sad at the moment

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**** dude, you are pretty good at the music thing.

I don't know what sort of music you listen to, and at the risk of sounding creepy, this song played today and I thought of you.

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Thanks man.

When she left me I threw myself in to my music heavily!! after a few years I started getting somewhere.

Tonight, there was a tribute to me on Dutch radio where they played six of my tune back to back. So there's something positive, it helps a lot to have music.




Not feeling so sad today, perhaps talking about it has helped me come to terms with the loss?

Omg... That's horrible, I'm so sorry. *hugs* What a mean thing to do for someone who you love. I can't understand that, just leave like that without saying anything??

lonelyfairy said:

Omg... That's horrible, I'm so sorry. *hugs* What a mean thing to do for someone who you love. I can't understand that, just leave like that without saying anything??

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She never talked to me about how she felt about anything, if she had then I might have been able to do something. I cry myself to sleep still every night thinking about her, I haven't heard anything, she wont answer my calls or e-mails, I can't even find out how our dog is or see him from time to time. She destroyed my life that night, I lost everything including my home and my friends too

Why don't you write a book or a a play or a film about it?

Well, sometimes I write music.