Never felt truly lonely... until I met her

Hey all, I'm new here - I hope you don't mind me sharing my story.

My name’s Ben, I’m 24, and I am (or so I thought) a pretty normal, well-rounded guy, with a loving family, hobbies, a degree in psychology, a reasonable job, and in theory nothing too much to complain about. Things were all going OK, more or less, until seven weeks ago.

I’ve always been very introverted, quite shy and socially awkward, often lacking for self-esteem and confidence, but I’ve dealt with that, often by keeping within a certain ‘comfort zone’. I'm a loner and have been OK with that. I've always thought I'm likely on the autistic spectrum.

Six weeks ago, having been three years single and dateless after a two-year relationship I fell into at university, I took a step out of my 'comfort zone', and for the first time ever, asked a girl out on a date. We had been messaging for a few days on a dating app - I thought we had a lot in common and we seemed to hit it off.

We talked for eight hours on our first date, and then met up three days later, on the night of my birthday, went for dinner, saw a film, ended up back at hers and slept together. Sex on the second date I never thought was my style, but when she gave off a signal for me to make an advance, it felt right.

In theory, sounds great, right?

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I am almost certain I have lost her. I know that I should have let her go before we even first met, because I was infatuated with her before our first date, and I still am. Ever since we started talking I have been living not for myself, but for her.

I know that she knows how strongly I feel about her, and I know that she cannot handle it. She is six months out of an 8 year, very emotionally abusive/controlling relationship, and she has told me she is not in the right place for this. The real truth is that she's probably just not that into me. She wanted some guy company, some added benefits, no huge strings attached.

I have not yet deleted her number and started properly to move on, but I know I will inevitably need to. I need to start living for myself, and get my life back.

But I do not even know where to start. I suddenly feel more empty and lonely than I have ever felt. I have two loyal long-term friends who live a long way away. Both have essentially told me to stop being so irrational, cut my losses and move on. They're right, but I don't think they realise how much this hurts.

I have not made any new friends for years. I'm a total loner, and I'm suddenly unable to face continuing to be alone. My self-esteem and confidence is shattered. The world suddenly seems terrifying. The thought of getting up, going to work and being myself has become unbearable. The idea that I might ever step out of my comfort zone again and try to develop a relationship with anyone, romantic or otherwise, is inconceivable. I feel I am falling into depression/anxiety, and visions of my future are so bleak that I am even having suicidal thoughts.

I know this is just heartbreak, and that I'll surely recover, but right now I feel utterly lost, and just wanted to reach out here to see if anyone identifies with this. I feel like I might be around here for a while yet, maybe I'll even make some friends?

Did she tell you she wanted male company with benefits and no strings attached? If she did, then she did exactly what she said she would. Maybe she'll talk to you again, maybe she won't. But if you try holding onto something that's just not there, it's just not possible to do that.

No contact thread

Stay strong brother!

VanillaCreme said:

Did she tell you she wanted male company with benefits and no strings attached? If she did, then she did exactly what she said she would. Maybe she'll talk to you again, maybe she won't. But if you try holding onto something that's just not there, it's just not possible to do that.

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She has said she's not just after a confidant or a fresia buddy, that she likes me, that she'd like to get to know me better. I'm certain though that she's just stringing me along and that I've messed up by coming on too strong. It's about 3 days with no contact now, and I'll be keeping that up until at least Valentines, and most likely indefinitely.

It's not a good idea to go around and around wondering why she did what she did, what would have happened if you had\hadn't done this, that or the other.

That way lies the thought hamster wheel, on which your little pink paws will scamper and scamper until you fall out of the wheel due to utter bonkers exhaustion.

Hard though it might be, try to think about this as a pleasant episode in your life, that will lead on to other pleasant episodes with other people.

There are a host of people on this site who would sell their soul, grannies, putative first born offspring, and god help us, maybe even all their tech equipment (almost) to have any kind of relationship with a real live member of the opposite sex...

Try and look at what she did tell you. She talked about just getting out of long term relationship. Maybe she genuinely thought she was ready to see someone again, but wasn't in fact really ready for it. It can take longer than you think to be able to go back into something again. It sounds like she was into you 8 hours first date! It could have been she freaked out and also didn't handle it great and didn't want to make anything worse by hanging around.

I hope you feel better soon.

I know this is just heartbreak, and that I'll surely recover, but right now I feel utterly lost, and just wanted to reach out here to see if anyone identifies with this. I feel like I might be around here for a while yet, maybe I'll even make some friends?
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How are you doing now Ben? ☺ I hope you're doing slightly better now. Everyday is a progress.

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I think I did something wrong with my previous post. I wanted to ..ummm.... quote your words the way you wrote it exactly. And I.... honestly don't know what I did that it ended looking the way it does here. Anyway, I hope you're doing better now. ☺☺

I felt similar after the one sexual relationship I had. I attributed the feeling of emptiness to withdrawal of all the wonderful hormones that come from physical human contact. Once the withdrawal passes you will return to your normal self.