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Antihero

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I had this all typed out before but I accidentally deleted it. It was better worded too. Here goes again...

Its not an easy situation. She was the girl of my dreams. Since I was about 12 she was always in the back of my mind as this ideal woman. I never really knew her well. Of course she got put on a pedestal. Then one fine August so many things went my way and I could finally call her mine. Funny how it is that once a dream is realized nothing is ever really happily ever after.

I am to blame for so much of it. I'm too lazy, antisocial and too easy going when the situation called for otherwise. To her credit in the very beginning she told me that she was far from an easy going person.

You see, I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her, worried that whatever I say or do may get misconstrued. This feeling never really went away from the beginning. She also gets upset with me that I don't always share her exact same vision or can't always read her mind. I try my best to please her and do things for her, though I wonder if I'm letting myself be too passive. Thing is if I assert my self then this always leads to arguments. That I'm being unreasonable. She says I'm such a child.

I'm quite a introverted person, but I she has made me felt loneliness that I've haven't quite known before that had made me cry

Anyway, like I said, I'm far from blame. I really shouldn't be in a serious relationship. I was lazy in a why when I proposed to her and now she does not really have a story she can tell all the other girls.

I'm reluctant to do much on the wedding planning because I feel like whatever I pick or do is not good enough. It often isn't. To be honest I don't think I really wanted a traditional wedding, but when we talked about other options she sounded like she would rather throw herself off a bridge. What else am I going to say. I agreed to the traditional ceremony. I see clearly now I should have.

I really enjoy it when times are good. When she is sweet to me and cuddly and we have lots to talk about and thing in general just work. Also the whole "girl of my dreams" thing is also a big reason that I stick around. But then during the bad days I feel so incredibly miserable.

My family loves her though and she already spent so much of her own money on the upcoming wedding on 4/4. Also, we share an apartment. The thing is I have such doubts. I think we have different visions for our lives. Perhaps I'm being unreasonable. Despite how much I apparently suck, she has not told me f**k off (well, she literally has, but not in the permanent sense) I don't know. What do you think?
 
Sounds like you have two options, call off the wedding or learn to live with her. Normally a wedding is more for the woman, traditionally, the man just sits back and nods yes to whatever she wants. It doesn't seem like that has changed much over the years, though some guys get more involved with the wedding planning. It is also very stressful from what I've seen, so that is probably adding to the tension.

If you really do love this girl and want to be with her then you just need to learn how to work with and around her. You know she's not an easy going person, she told you that and since she did she knows it herself so that's a plus. I'm sure you have some quirks that drive her crazy too, everyone does.

Seems like the two of you need to sit down and have a deep discussion on what you are feeling and talk things out, maybe have a third party mediator in there to help like a minister.priest whatever your religion or if not a marriage counselor.
 
It sounds like you have a case of the not good enoughs. You seem to be blaming yourself for most, if not all of it. Wondering whether you're good enough for her because you aren't as alike as you think you should be. But, it doesn't matter if you are exact matches. What matters is whether you communicate with each other and that you love and trust each other. Marriage is also about compromise, so look for ways to do that, too.

The first thing you need to do, IMO, is take her down from that pedestal you put her on. No one deserves to be put on those, because no one is that good.
The second thing you need to do, IMO, is stop beating yourself up. Stop thinking you aren't good enough. Stop making excuses for ever little thing here. Figure out what the real problem is and talk to her about it. Talk to her seriously, but not accusatory (on her OR yourself). Make her understand how important it is for you to figure it out and figure it out together after you find out what the root of the problem is. My guess would be that you are depressed and started thinking you aren't good enough for her, so you're driving yourself crazy trying to find every reason you think you aren't. What about all the reasons you ARE good enough for her?

Most people do have doubts leading up to a wedding, the key is to figure out if you really want out or if you're just nervous. Good luck.

As for the wedding, I would have LOVED it if my ex would have taken a more active role in the planning. If you have an idea, bring it up. If it's important to you, don't back down.
 
I've been where you have been, Antihero. I know just how you feel and the concerns. I had the same. The conclusion? We split up. But that doesn't have to be the same for you. This is going to take a little effort but this video puts it in better perspective.

Disclaimer: you already know everything in this video. He just explains them better. It's not about being reliable, being that fun husband, or being that interesting best-friend-to-your-spouse.. It's about trust, and having the same values and Whys. You two can have different visions and that's fine, different personality, different interests, different hobbies, no problem. As long as you two are still attracted to each other for unexplainable reasons, then all is well. Treat her as a human being, treat yourself as a human being.

EDIT: By the way, change is not taboo. It's usually a problem of Pride. Change is totally okay.
 
I would sit her down and tell her how I felt, then I'd ask what she thought or if she felt the same. I think it's better if two people find out sooner rather than later if they could really, truly stand each other.
 

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