Dealing with the down time

I've recently come out of a long term relationship, during which we were engaged, in which my now ex had been sending naked pictures of herself to other guys and sexting them in quite a lot of detail (one of the guys being someone I was best friends with in school and still in contact with). She ended it via text a few days later, since I'm away at uni at the moment, and went to move in with some mutual friends, a couple. Or they were when she moved in. Since then the guy broke up with the girl and no, barely 2 weeks after unceremoniously ditching me, she sends me a text saying that she has feelings for the guy.
He also contacted me and said I should just get over it or I'd risk losing the 2 of them as friends. This has all been a kick to the balls and isn't something I've found easy to deal with.
The thing is, if can make sure iI'mrreally busy and doing something, helping my housemate with her student union officer campaign, or going to jitsu twice a week, I can almost convinc myself I'm fine, that she's gone and thrown away ssomething special that she won't find again.
But then there's a quiet moment in conversation, or time just before going to sleep where you to mind just goes over everything. And that's when all the negative thoughts come back in force and I end up wondering what I did wrong, what I no longer have that made her "love" me in the first place (though this whole episode makes me doubt even that now) and why I was so darn forgettable and replaceable so quickly.
Any advice or support would be really welcome about now, thanks for your time.

I can't even begin to imagine the pain and sad feelings you are going through; it seems she was intent on hurting you in the worst way imagineable.

Recently I was in a similar relationship that plummeted and one was left feeling worthless and abandoned. But I loved him enough to let him go, for this seemed the only best way to cope and I suggest you do the same. My heart goes out to you.

Anna Mouse

Thanks Mouse, I'll try to take your advice.

Part of me wishes I could hate her, to make it easier to just turn away. But the rest of me knows that's not going to happen, and that I can't just turn off my feelings with a switch like she seems to have been able to.

Might save up after I finish uni later this year and travel, some people have suggested that helps. Broadening my horizons or some such.

I recommend you go on a cruise, for even a few days at sea feels like a week. We always go with Royal Caribbean who offer great value excellent cruise packages. Their food and personal service is fantastic, even to me who is partly-disabled. Their evening entertainment is first class. My kids are well looked after, giving me time to thoroughly enjoy myself. They even have a single's club where you would never feel completely alone.

Feel welcome to PM me any time. I'm in the UK, too.

I'm sorry that you have to go through that kolmer. It's never easy when that happens and it does take time for that hurt to heal. I've been there and those quiet moments are the toughest. Sometimes when i'm struggling at that time of night I'll listen to some classical or jazz music and just focus on it. It helps me fall asleep quicker and gives me something to focus on other than my thoughts.

My advice is to let them both go. Demanding that you "get over it or else" isn't something that a real friend would ever do. Besides seeing them together will only remind you of what happened. People like that won't remain happy for long. They did it before, they will do it again.

A cruise would be nice...I do like the sea

And i'll try the music idea wolvesjr, anything to help right now really.

As for cutting them out completely, him I don't care about if he's going to be like that, but her...we'd been best friends for a good 12 years before we were together. That's a large chunk of my life i'd shared with her and to just cut her out feels like erasing all of that.

I mean, I know that it's the most viable option but at the same time i'm scared. I've not had anyone that close before and now that i'm going to be heading into the world of work ect. it's not exactly likely that i'll find someone like that again. I'm starting to realise that i'm worth a lot more than she treated me but....I don't know. Is it normal to want someone in your life because you love them and yet not want them in it because it'd hurt to much realising what you lost? I've recieved mixed answers from peopple i've asked in person.

kolmer said:

I mean, I know that it's the most viable option but at the same time i'm scared. I've not had anyone that close before and now that i'm going to be heading into the world of work ect. it's not exactly likely that i'll find someone like that again. I'm starting to realise that i'm worth a lot more than she treated me but....I don't know. Is it normal to want someone in your life because you love them and yet not want them in it because it'd hurt to much realising what you lost? I've recieved mixed answers from peopple i've asked in person.

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Just remember, You need to do what feels right for you and not worry about what she or anyone else will think of it. It is normal to feel that way and I went through a similar situation and tried keeping her in my life and that ended up being a big mistake on my part.

As for finding friends once you start working. Most of the few close friends I have I met while working after finishing college. You'll find you have more things in common with co-workers and that helps break the ice.

I'd lose two friends then. Doesn't sound very friendly to me anyway. Honestly though, I don't think it's a case of you not having something or no longer having something to make her love you. You can't make someone love you. Forcing it is not honest. It's not you. Dare I say it's not even her. Sounds like to me that it just wasn't in the stars to last. Many things are like that. Not everything works out in life. But things that are made to stand the test of time and push through life's trials and events simply will.

kolmer said:

I've recently come out of a long term relationship, during which we were engaged, in which my now ex had been sending naked pictures of herself to other guys and sexting them in quite a lot of detail (one of the guys being someone I was best friends with in school and still in contact with). She ended it via text a few days later, since I'm away at uni at the moment, and went to move in with some mutual friends, a couple. Or they were when she moved in. Since then the guy broke up with the girl and no, barely 2 weeks after unceremoniously ditching me, she sends me a text saying that she has feelings for the guy.
He also contacted me and said I should just get over it or I'd risk losing the 2 of them as friends.

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Um, really? With friends like that who needs enemies? It sounds like they deserve each other.
I think you deserve better than that. Maybe take a step back and a break from these people who think it's ok to treat friends like that.

-Teresa

SofiasMami said:

kolmer said:

I've recently come out of a long term relationship, during which we were engaged, in which my now ex had been sending naked pictures of herself to other guys and sexting them in quite a lot of detail (one of the guys being someone I was best friends with in school and still in contact with). She ended it via text a few days later, since I'm away at uni at the moment, and went to move in with some mutual friends, a couple. Or they were when she moved in. Since then the guy broke up with the girl and no, barely 2 weeks after unceremoniously ditching me, she sends me a text saying that she has feelings for the guy.
He also contacted me and said I should just get over it or I'd risk losing the 2 of them as friends.

Click to expand...

Um, really? With friends like that who needs enemies? It sounds like they deserve each other.
I think you deserve better than that. Maybe take a step back and a break from these people who think it's ok to treat friends like that.

-Teresa

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This ^^^^^ Exactly this. Seems to me that you would be far better off not bothering with either of them. They sound perfect for each other.

Reading your story reminds me of me in 1998 (17 years ago - yikes!) . I went through a similar situation at uni with not being able to trust a partner after stories got back to me of her fooling around. I let it get the better of me and it affected my studies to the point where I got a 2:2 instead of striving for a first in the final year. I'm not one to dwell on disappointments too much, but if I had a choice of one thing I could change in my past, it would have been to quit wallowing in that time period and hit the study books in the library.

I had a quick look at your posts and see that you study engineering. There's huge demand for top STEM graduates in the UK - the world could be your oyster in a few short months with some intense study now. Imagine being able to update a Linked In profile to say something like "Graduate Engineer, McLaren F1", and sticking two fingers up to those that knock you down.

Of course, if you are well on top of your studies, unlike me, then please ignore this warning from history!

Kolmer,

What really helped me is to have someone to talk to. Go to Counseling or a Psy, anyone who is not part of your life and barf out all the negative thoughts, what make you sad, your anger, all the WHY! WHY! WHY!. I believe you will get better twice faster. I will underline it has to be someone who is not in your life, Family or Friends might be judgmental or partial. A Counselor or Psy will be able to help you think without taking side. It is always difficult to think straight in those emotional storms.

Thanks for all of your comments everyone, it does help to hear other peoples views it all.

Grand Union, I'm aiming for a 2:1 right now but would like to try and pull it up to a first if I can. I'm just focusing on the work and trying to think as little about all this as I can. Thanks forthe warning though!

SeaBee, there are people at the uni that I can talk to about it but I haven't had the chance or motivation to go and see them yet. I will try to, some other people that I know have recommended it, I just always seem to find an excuse not to go.

She did contact me last night telling me that if I ever went through something like this again with someone else then she'd be there to help me. I managed to tell her that for my own good I wouldn't be likely to turn to someone who had hurt me like this if I was in that situation. So I guess that's progress after a fashion. Small steps and all that.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to comment, you guys have been a beacon in a sea of darkness.

Well if that helps, I am going Monday for therapy hoping I will heal faster. I think I made a lot of progress already thanks to this site.

After my last relationship in which I've got dumped I started to play drums. That's my happy place for now.

I feel for you...I've been in true love, and had my heart stomp on. The pain of a broken heart is like no other.

Chalk this up as a bad experience but a blessing in disguise. It's hard as hell to get over the hurt, but you will find love again. The lesson you've learned from this will equip you to protect your feelings and emotions first, and trust secondly.

I belive as sincere people, we fall in love and forget to ask, does this person deserve my trust? So, if that's the case. I recommend the book, "The People Factor" by Van Moody". I read it is is great reading. Better than all the other books I read on "Heartbreaks".