I never have peace of mind

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Tiina63

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Does anyone here have the same problem, that they never (or only rarely) have peace of mind? It feels as if there is a boxing match going on in my head most of the time. Loneliness is a big factor in this, and so is my Aspergers. I get really down about things people said to me 10 or more years ago, feeling the hurt as if it were yesterday. Then there is the constant worry that I am not worthy of love and may be alone for the rest of my life, and various bad internet dates and an abusive relationship I had come to my mind. Then there is the worry over things I have said when out with people that may have come out wrong. And then there were the overwhelming expectations people had of me when I was in my twenties at university which felt at the time as though I was carrying a sack of bricks with me all the time. Am in my fifties now but at times the memories of how I felt at that time are so awful. I feel so exhausted so much of the time from the decades of inner turmoil and loneliness. Can anyone identify with me? Does anyone else wish they could switch off their brain for a while to get relief from their lack of inner peace?
 
I identify with you, Tiina.

My mind is usually in a state of turmoil. I feel too much, I think too much and I hold it all in too much. Every day I hear a voice from my past telling me that I'm not good enough, and part of me wants that voice to be right. Most days I can overcome all of this and stay in control but then there are the dark days where it all feels life-arresting. It's like I'm holding back a tidal wave sometimes.
 
In tibetan medicine the turmoil is called "lung", that means "wind" (you know, in chinese medicine they have the different elements water air fire etc) and it means energy that has not been discharged and is trapped inside the body making the mind crazy.


I was like that until maybe 5 years ago, I thought it was my temper, and for many years I took tranquilizers to keep that turmoil down. Then some years ago I stopped eating sugar and weirdly enough all the talk and backtalk in my head was tuned down, it felt like I had brain surgery or something. I don't think it's the same for everyone, but for me it was really shocking, especially to think that if I had stopped eating sugar in my teens I would have saved myself a lifetime of worry, tranquilizers and stupid actions that I did because I was always so worried and agitated. Also I made this decision to fight the thoughts "why did I do that, why did she say that" etc, for at least four years it was a terrible fight, but after that it's like the brain has been trained to give those thoughts up, so I guess it was worthwhile.
All this didn't affect the loneliness in any way, of course.
 
Hard to say. I do think about things that happened years ago, bad stuff but I can't say it gets me down too much.
I think every day about my situation - 'Nobody wants me, nobody is interested' - but I just plod thru it, it's like a little nagging voice that won't go away but doesn't ever get me depressed.
Twenty years I was probably like the original poster more. That was a struggle, a constant battle to somehow prove myself and achieve something.
I think maybe I have changed my thinking. Years back I wanted people to like me. Now, if they don't I think it's them, their fault and not mine. Their loss because I am this wonderful person and they can't see it.
 
I, along a lot of people here, will be able to identify with this. For me I sometimes feel like I've withdrawn within myself and I'm looking at the world via a screen rather than my eyes. My internal dialogue becomes louder than the world outside and I have to shut myself away. Doesn't help when I'm working in front line IT support and people are screaming for support!

I recently learned a very quick meditation technique that really helps slow things down when your mind is in turmoil. It helps me fall asleep, and more importantly it helps me lower the volume in my mind and allows me to focus on what I need to do - plus nobody knows I'm doing it! :D

1) Stop whatever you are doing. Doesn't matter if standing or sitting, but you need to be able to concentrate.
2) Breathe in deeply and slowly through the nose, for exactly four seconds.
3) Hold that breath for 8 seconds - feel your heart beating.
4) Slowly exhale for 9 seconds through the mouth. It will feel at first like you are not getting enough oxygen and it's tempting to start gasping but you will be ok.

This technique slows the heartrate and allows the adrenaline to subside, leaving you calmer and more focussed. I've been doing it for a few weeks now and I find myself able to calm down within three repetitions - although it might take a little longer for people new to the technique.

Hope it helps someone
 
Thank you to all who replied.
I am sorry that you all know what it feels like and can identify with it either now or in the past. At the same time it helps to know that I am not the only one who is going round with a seething mind pretty much all the time.
Lifestream-yes, it does feel like holding back a tidal wave and sometimes it feels like it is going to come crashing out of me.
And yet on the surface people would look at me and not be aware of what is going on inside me, not unless they are very perceptive.
Peaches-it must be hard to avoid sugar as it is in so much. Maybe I should look for a Tibetan healer or would Chinese medicine help? There would be a greater chance of finding access to Chinese medicine here in the UK.
TripleBogey-I can do that with literature-think that if I dislike a book that the fault is in the writer and not in me-but I can't do it with people. Did you find it hard to learn how to do that, to turn things round in your head? Do you ever slip back to thinking it is your fault if they dislike you?
h3donist-I will try the technique you recommended. Like you I often feel that the internal dialogue is stronger than the world outside my head.
 
Tiina63 said:
Thank you to all who replied.
I am sorry that you all know what it feels like and can identify with it either now or in the past. At the same time it helps to know that I am not the only one who is going round with a seething mind pretty much all the time.
Lifestream-yes, it does feel like holding back a tidal wave and sometimes it feels like it is going to come crashing out of me.
And yet on the surface people would look at me and not be aware of what is going on inside me, not unless they are very perceptive.
Peaches-it must be hard to avoid sugar as it is in so much. Maybe I should look for a Tibetan healer or would Chinese medicine help? There would be a greater chance of finding access to Chinese medicine here in the UK.
TripleBogey-I can do that with literature-think that if I dislike a book that the fault is in the writer and not in me-but I can't do it with people. Did you find it hard to learn how to do that, to turn things round in your head? Do you ever slip back to thinking it is your fault if they dislike you?
h3donist-I will try the technique you recommended. Like you I often feel that the internal dialogue is stronger than the world outside my head.

I think developed self worth over the years. I didn't do anything consciously.

No I never think that. This week at work most of the staff have been off with me. It wasn't my fault because I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't been wondering what I have done. If there is an argument then I understand why there is friction. These people were in a mood probably because they felt like it. They think I am beneath them for some reason. I know I am not.
 
The problem is that with Aspergers sometimes I do say or do things which to me are perfectly normal but which to others are not. I don't know if you have ever watched 'The Bridge' with the AS detective in? Often when she says or does something which to her is normal, the others glance at each other rolling their eyes because to them is isn't normal. This happens to me.
 
Tiina63 said:
The problem is that with Aspergers sometimes I do say or do things which to me are perfectly normal but which to others are not. I don't know if you have ever watched 'The Bridge' with the AS detective in? Often when she says or does something which to her is normal, the others glance at each other rolling their eyes because to them is isn't normal. This happens to me.

That sounds like most people though. People do strange things or have their 'funny ways' - nobody is really normal.
 
Things have started to change since "tuning out" again. The worst thing was wanting to be kind, reach out, and connect, but having a kindness and a personality that nobody wanted or noticed over other personalities. Wish granted. I'm longer their problem and they are no longer mine. I often make the mistake of thinking that things will be different if I'm a little older and a little wiser.

Things like science, computers, math, etc, have no concept of kindness, but you can anthropomorphize them if you really want to and they're excellent for your brain to work with. Plants treat all kindness the same no matter what kind of person you are; a watering can is a watering can and a voice is a voice. Not so for people.

They seem cold from a distance, but there's an incredible amount to learn about life, nature, and other things when you're working with and looking at them. You have to be very gentle and attentive with plants if you're not naturally intuitive about them, and you get to watch them grow through their entire cycle and give their benefits back to you.
 
Happens with me too but it's very rare and happens only when I'm feeling very very very down. It's like crashing a whole building on me. One big **** building. It's the thoughts, possible outcomes, different routes, different approach, all conflicting at the same time. It's very scary when that happens. The only viable cure I have is I channel those thoughts to my positive experiences I have in my life. Kinda hard to do If you don't know how to channel your thoughts. but yeah, it always work for me. Another option is talking about it with someone, someone who knows you to some certain level, someone who understands you better than the rest. That is helpful. I have tried that too and it works.
 
PenDragon-I find that it happens to me almost all the time. It is so strange to be walking around with no one seeing the turmoil inside me-it makes me feel so alone. On those occasions when I have tried to show some of it, people have either been very surprised or have not believed me because it conflicts too much with their mental image of me. I don't really have anyone I can talk to properly about it, though I have a good email friend I can trust. This is not the same as talking face to face, but it is a lot better than having no one at all.
Tealeaf-like you I tend to be overlooked as well by other people. Often I envy those who are outgoing and who can hold others spellbound by their conversation and vivacity.
One of the things I mentioned when starting this thread was that at university in the 80's I felt very much as though I was living other people's lives, carrying their weight of hopes and dreams on my back while what I wanted was ignored (ie to marry and have a family). This has come back to me at intervals over the years, the way I felt then, so unhappy and alone and stressed out, valued solely for my achievements, and this time what brought it back to me was a mental health writing and support group I used to go to, but where I felt stressed and lonely most of the time. I left but went back twice late last year. The similarity with my time at university was that some of the others in the support group kept on about how good I was at things and they talked as if I was a perfect person. When I said I couldn't do maths or that there were lots of things I couldn't do, it was ignored or brushed away. If I was upset or unhappy and needed help, it wasn't taken as seriously as it would have been if one of the others had been unhappy or upset. I went to a little computer group the other week for some help with a technical issue and one of the writing group members came in (I hadn't known she was a member) and she said 'Surely you don't need to come here.' Another time I was colouring in a child's colouring book in the group (something I do when my concentration is very bad) and the same person said 'I wouldn't have thought that you would get any intellectual stimulation from that' as if I was supposed to be achieving all the time. I felt like they were on my back all the time. They didn't see me as just one of the group, someone with needs and feelings. At the Aspergers group I go to, it is different. It is safe to be intelligent there as it doesn't make people start treating me as if I am perfect and to have expectations of me. I can be intelligent there and still be accepted as a total mess, as we are all the same.
 

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