My enemy is myself

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BeyondShy

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My enemy is myself. I've realized this for a long time and yet I am unable to change.

I look in the mirror and I have no trouble at all seeing the qualities that I believe are lacking when I compare them to other people. I am only five feet six inches tall and I wish I were taller. I wish I were a bit thinner. I wish I could smile as easy as I see others do. I even practice smiling in the mirror and it just never looks right to me, like I'm making a funny face or something.

I even have a hard time saying the word "shy" out loud. I don't know why I am uncomfortable saying it. Just another mystery I suppose.

Shyness has caused me to miss out on many things in my life. I never went to my junior prom or senior ball. I wanted to so much but I never had the courage to take the steps to ask a girl to go with me.

I was on a bus once coming home from school and there were a group of girls sitting near me talking and having a good time and they started talking about not ever being able to find a guy who would treat them the way they should be treated. I wanted to tell them that I am one of those guys that they were looking for but I never did. I remember this like it was yesterday.

That's one of my problems that I carry around too. I have a fantastic memory and there are times when I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse. If someone says something about me or to me that insults me or embarrasses me I won't forget it and I'll keep re-hashing it over in my head like a film strip played over and over.

I am so concerned with what people may think of me or if they'll judge me. I can't follow conversations well because I am so concerned with what I am going to say next that I don't follow what the other person is saying.

I am not asking to be the life of any party. I don't look to be the center of attention. But I desperately would like to have some and I would like to be able to talk with a girl without finding something on the floor more interesting than her eyes and smile.

I am tired of being me. I want the person that is inside of me to be seen by others. I'm tired of what I see in the mirror.
 
I could have written most of this post myself. The comparing myself to others and coming up inferior, the worrying what others think of me, the longing for the real me to be seen and accepted instead of just the little bit of me on the surface, going over and over things people have said to me many years later and feeling worked up about it, worrying what to say next in conversations etc.
I don't know the answer, but wanted you to know that you are not alone in thinking and feeling this way. It can be hell.
 
Tiina63 said:
I could have written most of this post myself. The comparing myself to others and coming up inferior, the worrying what others think of me, the longing for the real me to be seen and accepted instead of just the little bit of me on the surface, going over and over things people have said to me many years later and feeling worked up about it, worrying what to say next in conversations etc.
I don't know the answer, but wanted you to know that you are not alone in thinking and feeling this way. It can be hell.

Thank you Tiina for responding. I really appreciated that.
 
BeyondShy said:
I look in the mirror and I have no trouble at all seeing the qualities that I believe are lacking when I compare them to other people. I am only five feet six inches tall and I wish I were taller. I wish I were a bit thinner. I wish I could smile as easy as I see others do. I even practice smiling in the mirror and it just never looks right to me, like I'm making a funny face or something.

What you BELIEVE is lacking is your main problem. You can't see yourself in reality because you think there must be all these flaws, most of which aren't really there are are inconsequential or even emphasized in your head.
You can't do anything about being taller, although, there's nothing wrong with being 5'6. Tom Cruise is only 5'7 and he does okay. You can, however, do something about being thinner if you really want it. The smile, you are probably trying to force it, it's not coming out naturally, so of course it won't look natural to you.
Comparing yourself to others, well, that's a never ending journey, because there will likely always be people you perceive as better than you, but there's also people who are not better than you. In the end, we are all the same, in that we are all different. There are qualities that you have that others don't, and the same goes for the other way around.


BeyondShy said:
Shyness has caused me to miss out on many things in my life. I never went to my junior prom or senior ball. I wanted to so much but I never had the courage to take the steps to ask a girl to go with me.

I was on a bus once coming home from school and there were a group of girls sitting near me talking and having a good time and they started talking about not ever being able to find a guy who would treat them the way they should be treated. I wanted to tell them that I am one of those guys that they were looking for but I never did. I remember this like it was yesterday.
You can conquer your shyness, but it will take hard work and putting yourself out of your comfort zone. Try something harder than you usually do, say hi to people, that sort of thing, and it will get easier the more you do it.
As for those girls talking about finding a guy to treat them well, saying that you are one of those means nothing, it's an action kind of thing, they have to SEE it.

BeyondShy said:
That's one of my problems that I carry around too. I have a fantastic memory and there are times when I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse. If someone says something about me or to me that insults me or embarrasses me I won't forget it and I'll keep re-hashing it over in my head like a film strip played over and over.
I am so concerned with what people may think of me or if they'll judge me. I can't follow conversations well because I am so concerned with what I am going to say next that I don't follow what the other person is saying.

These people that insult and/or embarrass you, do they KNOW you? If they don't, what they say means nothing. They insult you because they can see it bothers you, because you seem like an easy target to them and it makes them feel superior over the own honeysuckle they have going on in their own likely messed up life.
What people say about you can't harm you unless you allow it to. Instead of focusing on the insults and what see see wrong with yourself, look for the good, focus on that. Go a week or even a day without judging yourself and see what happens.
 
That sounds a lot like me back when I was in middle school and high school.

The problem isn't that you're "shy" it is that you have incredibly low self esteem. The solution to it is very simple, you just need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just be yourself. Learn to take chances. Learn to open up. Learn to worry less and act more.
What are really the consequences to being rejected? Rejection is a part of life and the sooner you realize and accept this the sooner you will learn to overcome it and be happy.

What you should realize is that a lot of the people you know probably feel exactly the same way as you, and that they are also waiting for someone to walk up and just talk to them. Waiting for someone to come and get to know them. If I had realized that back in middle school or even high school I'm sure things would have went completely different for me. All you need to do is realize this, too. Even the people who might look like they already have some friends might have really low self esteem and unable to really talk to anyone else. It's all about perspective. Yours is wrong.
 
TheRealCallie said:
You can conquer your shyness, but it will take hard work and putting yourself out of your comfort zone. Try something harder than you usually do, say hi to people, that sort of thing, and it will get easier the more you do it.

What a hard thing to do.

You know, it's been a long time that someone has come up to me to say hi. I do notice that if I can get comfortable (it does happen) I can hold up a conversation as well as anyone but that first step is like trying to jump out of a plane for the very first time.

Last September I had to go to a fiftieth anniversary party. Got all dressed up, suit and tie, etc. I sat at a table with seven other people and even though I smiled and laughed at some of the things that they were saying (even if they weren't that funny) they never talked to me. As the evening wore on I smiled and laughed a lot less and when it was time for me to leave I was furious but I didn't show it. I was like everyone else there but they didn't include me and I don't know why.


TheRealCallie said:
These people that insult and/or embarrass you, do they KNOW you?

Some of them know me. They think they are just "joking around."

TheRealCallie said:
What people say about you can't harm you unless you allow it to. Instead of focusing on the insults and what see see wrong with yourself, look for the good, focus on that. Go a week or even a day without judging yourself and see what happens.

I can only try but right now I am already worried about something that is supposed to go down on Sunday.

I am trying to do steps to help me along with this serious problem of mine so I decided to join a anxiety group that is going to meet this Sunday. So far nine people will be in attendance. Seven women and two men. I know already that none of those seven women will pay any attention to me. I'll bet my house on it.

Despicable Me said:
The problem isn't that you're "shy" it is that you have incredibly low self esteem. The solution to it is very simple, you just need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just be yourself. Learn to take chances. Learn to open up. Learn to worry less and act more.
What are really the consequences to being rejected? Rejection is a part of life and the sooner you realize and accept this the sooner you will learn to overcome it and be happy.

I think this is easier said than done.

And what are the consequences of being rejected? You get humiliated and laughed at.



Despicable Me said:
What you should realize is that a lot of the people you know probably feel exactly the same way as you, and that they are also waiting for someone to walk up and just talk to them. Waiting for someone to come and get to know them. If I had realized that back in middle school or even high school I'm sure things would have went completely different for me. All you need to do is realize this, too. Even the people who might look like they already have some friends might have really low self esteem and unable to really talk to anyone else. It's all about perspective. Yours is wrong.

I've heard this from other people too. My question always is why doesn't someone -anyone- come up and talk to me? Why do I always have to do it first?

I realize I want to be around people so much but at the same time I am trusting them less and less.
 
I'm only 5'1", but dear Dad called me 'Mighty Mouse'. I'm glad he did because he removed all notion I was lesser than those around me. He also taught never to compare myself with others. Except importantly - to learn how to adapt when feeling alone.

Dad knew he was dying and so did I. In the short time he had left he taught me how to adapt to the loneliness I would feel after he passed away. There began a steady working in me, though it depended on my perspective. I can be alone and be lonely, or I can be alone and enjoy the quiet time and the chance I have to reflect, meditate, be introspective - or go for a hike and become extrovert. Over the years of emptiness since Dad passed, all I had were his words of wisdom. They are written down, too, in a series of letters that arrived on my Birthday, one letter pre-dated by him and given to his lawyer to send out. Call it a Time Capsule.


Now I realise that loneliness is a very strong feeling that can be debilitating and difficult to live with. It affects a person to the depths of their soul, for in loneliness one sees oneself as being rejected by other people who would rather be with someone else - anyone else, we often tell ourselves. That somehow we're unacceptable, undesirable, unlovable. We have plenty of time to be alone to tell ourselves all these negative things about ourselves. Except we have a choice - to get out there and make an effort.

This is what I did: Make effort. Instead of wallowing in self pity staying at home, I joined outdoor clubs to do things I never thought were possible.

Like abseiling. Abseiling put the shits up me.

But it taught me that I was capable of dealing with FEAR. And that abseiling experienced snowballed all those negative feelings to improve myself. To be a better woman capable of anything - even sailing in rough seas and dealing with the fear of drowning when crewing an 88ft sloop in a Force 10 gale and swells 6 feet high or more.

It's all out there, you know. But you have get off your arse and do something about your loneliness.

Anna Mouse
 
Mouse said:
It's all out there, you know. But you have get off your arse and do something about your loneliness.

Anna Mouse

Honestly, who can argue with advice like this? It is just so hard making that first step.
 
BeyondShy said:
I know already that none of those seven women will pay any attention to me. I'll bet my house on it.
You do NOT know that. Stop thinking that way, it's what gets you in trouble with yourself.

BeyondShy said:
Despicable Me said:
The problem isn't that you're "shy" it is that you have incredibly low self esteem. The solution to it is very simple, you just need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just be yourself. Learn to take chances. Learn to open up. Learn to worry less and act more.
What are really the consequences to being rejected? Rejection is a part of life and the sooner you realize and accept this the sooner you will learn to overcome it and be happy.

I think this is easier said than done.

And what are the consequences of being rejected? You get humiliated and laughed at.

Most things worthwhile are easier said than done. That doesn't mean you shouldn't still do them.
If you never try, you will never succeed. Rejection is a part of life, like was already stated, you just need to learn how to deal with it in a better way.

BeyondShy said:
I've heard this from other people too. My question always is why doesn't someone -anyone- come up and talk to me? Why do I always have to do it first?

It could be because you subconsciously put out an unapproachable aura. You don't like yourself and already "know" people won't talk to you, so why should they? They likely see what you try to hide.
Be more confident, put out a little effort, definitely be more positive and you may find it changes.
 
BeyondShy, thanks for sharing your problems with us this way. This is what this forum all about and I know how it is to open up in the first place. So you did the right thing in that for sure.

TheRealCallie said a lot of right things, in my opinion.
But yes, you are right, many things are easier said than done and this is the point, because in some ways we must change our own perception of the world around us, of the people around us and, in the end, of ourselves as well.

This is really hard as it's a fundamental thing to do but it can pay off. It's not about to do a "brainwashing" to yourself, not even remotely. It's more about how to slightly change the angle of how to look at things.
You know we can look at the same situation from many different ways and each way can make perfect sense.

If you continue to only look at things the very same way over and over again, nothing will really change. You won't grow any taller anymore, for example. But what can grow is your self-esteem when you finally start to look at yourself from a different angle. :)

Please do not think this is an abstract situation for me (what you described). I do know very well these sort of feelings, these sort of rejection and also to look at yourself like this. Been there, done that .... kinda.

The most basic rule to change something is: You have to learn to love yourself. You can start thinking about loving others as soon as you have started to finally love yourself as well.
One thing requires the other. It's as simple as that.

And in order to love yourself you will have to finally accept yourself the way you are. Not the way you would like to be. But the way you are. These things I just said sound so simple but I know they are in fact not. It is very hard to truly get into a fundamental change regarding this.

The second thing is that you should not give other people this huge power over you. Because this is what you do. As soon as anyone can make you feel that bad, it shows that you're giving these people more power over you as you should. It's another thing we often don't realize.

As soon as you start learning to accept yourself (and eventually to even "love" yourself) you will see that your fear of rejection will gradually become less. Because as long as you almost hate yourself like that and as long as you are so afraid of rejection, you will get rejection.

It's because people can notice it. You radiate this fear and others can sense it easily. I was told the very same thing many years ago already too. So I learned about this the hard way too.

The moment you start to gain a bit self-confidence again, you will not radiate this fear anymore and the "results" will be different from then on. You will see. :)

This is not an A-Z remedy about what to do but just a kind of reminder of a few fundamental things which I had to learn as well. Just think about it a bit what I wrote. Maybe it can already give you an inspiration, my friend. :)

You can definitely make a difference and you can definitely change this whole thing and turn it around. It's all within your own powers.

You will see. Good luck! :)
 
BeyondShy said:
I think this is easier said than done.
Definitely. The thing about that is if you always say "it's too hard" and never try then you are the only one holding yourself back from living a happy life.
When I realized this, you know what I did? I started taking leaps of faith into things and I was all the more happier.
It's a repeating cycle. If you believe its too hard you will never try, and if you never try you will always believe its too hard. So the only way out of that cycle is to have the strength to break it.

BeyondShy said:
And what are the consequences of being rejected? You get humiliated and laughed at.
And so what!? Maybe you'll get upset for a while, but you know what? You'll get over it and you'll move on with your life.
Do you think anyone would ever get anything done if they were always too scared about getting humiliated or laughed at to actually try? Again the only thing stopping you is this cycle.

You can't hold yourself back from trying something because of rejection or momentary consequences. There are consequences to everything. Even walking takes effort. Should we never walk again if we stumble? If so then no child would ever learn to walk at all! We learn from these sort of mistakes. It is how we grow. Take rejection as an opportunity to grow as a person. Don't let it make you afraid to even try.

BeyondShy said:
I've heard this from other people too. My question always is why doesn't someone -anyone- come up and talk to me? Why do I always have to do it first?

I realize I want to be around people so much but at the same time I am trusting them less and less.
The answer is very simple - Almost everyone is scared. Very few people have found strength. And those with real strength only have time for so much. They can't help everyone.
So it is rather rare for anyone to step outside of their comfort zone and actually do something 'different'. That is why you never see it - it is why almost no one ever sees it.

This is why arrogance, egotism, and big-headedness often gets girls (or men) and money. It provides the illusion of strength and for scared people this is everything. It is comfort and safety. But even these arrogant egotists are scared. Internally they are often even more scared than anyone else. The narcissism is in fact the only way they know how to deal with that insecurity, that fear.
But that is an illusion - and once the illusion disappears so do the relationships, and often so does the money.
You don't just see this on the individual level - this psychology is the very root of evil. The very basis for things like Hitler coming to power. All historical travesties come down to the illusions of strength and general fear and anxiety of the population.

Real strength garners true, lasting relationships. Ones that stand against all difficulty and against all time.
These are the sort of relationships everyone wants but the ones almost everyone have such difficulty finding.

You want the 'secret to life'? The secret to happiness? Be the one with the strength. Take chances and always be a good person. That's my advice.
 
BeyondShy said:
Mouse said:
It's all out there, you know. But you have get off your arse and do something about your loneliness.

Anna Mouse

Honestly, who can argue with advice like this? It is just so hard making that first step.

Except you have to take that first step. Until you do, you won't know.

It's springtime and little birds will have to soon fly their nest. At first, they teeter on the branch. And then in faith they spread their wings - and fly.

I am reminded of the French poet Guillaume Apollinaire, who wrote:

“Come to the edge," he said.
"We can't, we're afraid!" they responded.
"Come to the edge," he said.
"We can't, We will fall!" they responded.
"Come to the edge," he said.
And so they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.”
 
TheRealCallie said:
BeyondShy said:
I know already that none of those seven women will pay any attention to me. I'll bet my house on it.
You do NOT know that. Stop thinking that way, it's what gets you in trouble with yourself.

It's worse now. Ten people are going and three of them are men. I honestly can picture what's going to happen. And then they'll act all surprised when I never want to come to another meeting.

TheRealCallie said:
BeyondShy said:
I've heard this from other people too. My question always is why doesn't someone -anyone- come up and talk to me? Why do I always have to do it first?

It could be because you subconsciously put out an unapproachable aura. You don't like yourself and already "know" people won't talk to you, so why should they? They likely see what you try to hide.
Be more confident, put out a little effort, definitely be more positive and you may find it changes.

Well, that does makes sense. Ok. How would you go about doing it?

RainbowWalker said:
The most basic rule to change something is: You have to learn to love yourself. You can start thinking about loving others as soon as you have started to finally love yourself as well.
One thing requires the other. It's as simple as that.

What a hard thing to do. Hell, I don't even accept myself.

RainbowWalker said:
The second thing is that you should not give other people this huge power over you. Because this is what you do. As soon as anyone can make you feel that bad, it shows that you're giving these people more power over you as you should. It's another thing we often don't realize.

Well, I agree with that. None of these **** people that I have come across yet deserved to have this power over me. I actually resent them for it.

RainbowWalker said:
As soon as you start learning to accept yourself (and eventually to even "love" yourself) you will see that your fear of rejection will gradually become less. Because as long as you almost hate yourself like that and as long as you are so afraid of rejection, you will get rejection.

It's because people can notice it. You radiate this fear and others can sense it easily. I was told the very same thing many years ago already too. So I learned about this the hard way too.

Again, something I can't argue about.

But give me a minute here. If people can sense that I am nervous in these situations why wouldn't they try to meet me halfway? If they can tell this why not bother giving me a chance? I am not asking for a handout here. Just a hand from these people. I don't even get that.


Despicable Me said:
BeyondShy said:
I think this is easier said than done.
Definitely. The thing about that is if you always say "it's too hard" and never try then you are the only one holding yourself back from living a happy life.
When I realized this, you know what I did? I started taking leaps of faith into things and I was all the more happier.
It's a repeating cycle. If you believe its too hard you will never try, and if you never try you will always believe its too hard. So the only way out of that cycle is to have the strength to break it.

You probably had someone to help you take that first step.



Despicable Me said:
BeyondShy said:
I've heard this from other people too. My question always is why doesn't someone -anyone- come up and talk to me? Why do I always have to do it first?

I realize I want to be around people so much but at the same time I am trusting them less and less.
The answer is very simple - Almost everyone is scared. Very few people have found strength. And those with real strength only have time for so much. They can't help everyone.
So it is rather rare for anyone to step outside of their comfort zone and actually do something 'different'. That is why you never see it - it is why almost no one ever sees it.

My comfort zone is inside my house. I don't know where else to go.

And as far as anyone stepping outside of their comfort zone I personally have never seen it. I don't think anyone really cares.



And before I post this I just want to say that everyone who has responded in this thread has really had a lot of insightful things to say. I got a lot to think about.
 
BeyondShy said:
You probably had someone to help you take that first step.
You and I are different people. Whether I did or did not is irrelevant.
Making excuses for yourself is only repeating the cycle.

If you want to know 'my story'. No, not really. I realized the cycle I was in and simply just started taking steps to get out of it. I chose bigger and bigger steps until I could finally escape it.
I had people to help me along the way but the first steps I took were entirely my own. You could say that, in a way, I 'earned' those people's help. I met my wife along that path, and she was obviously a huge change in my life and did a lot to help me to realize myself, but was she what set me on that path? I'd say no.

Though I will point out, I did have people giving me advice like I am giving you now, if that counts as 'help'. I'm sure it took me quite a while before I ever really realized what they were trying to say. More people than I can even remember tried to explain this to me. I don't expect you to remember me either. That's okay.

BeyondShy said:
My comfort zone is inside my house. I don't know where else to go.

And as far as anyone stepping outside of their comfort zone I personally have never seen it. I don't think anyone really cares.
Your real comfort zone is your worries and your anxiety. The place you go to hide to get away from the consequences of taking real action to change something in your life. It is a mental comfort zone.

Your house is just your physical comfort zone. Getting away from it is sometimes people's first step.
For example, A lot of people who go to college experience the new freedom of 'change', from the breaking away of their physical comfort, and so they begin to finally socialize only once they go to college. The change is symbollic of their change into adulthood. It is the catalyst that helps them to realize that the cycle can be broken.

But it can be anything really. Asking a girl out or for her phone number. Just talking to someone in class. Walking to somewhere you've never been before. Spending some time outside in places you don't normally go. Dyeing your hair. Getting a piercing or tattoo. Buying (and wearing) new clothes that you have never had the guts to buy/wear before. Etc. Etc.
There are so many ways to step outside of your comfort zone and start breaking away from that cycle. So many ways to build strength and character. So many ways to find yourself, and each way is unique to the individual.

Again, if you want to know my story, I did several of the things above before I ever met my wife, before I had any friends, and before I ever asked my parents for any help. It was just me becoming 'me'. I just got tired of that cycle. I chose to break it.

Anything that breaks you away from the 'normal' stuff you do every day is a step towards breaking that cycle.

Like I said - It's a leap of faith. Very few people are able to make that leap. It's why you've never seen it. It isn't because they don't care, it is because they are afraid.
 
Despicable Me said:
BeyondShy said:
My comfort zone is inside my house. I don't know where else to go.
Your real comfort zone is your worries and your anxiety. The place you go to hide to get away from the consequences of taking real action to change something in your life. It is a mental comfort zone.

Your house is just your physical comfort zone. Getting away from it is sometimes people's first step.

Wow. That is so true. I feel most comfortable in my own home. It's not that I am afraid to leave my house or anything like that. I mean I can do that at a moment's notice. It's just that I don't. Not counting the supermarket I don't go anywhere else.


Despicable Me said:
Like I said - It's a leap of faith. Very few people are able to make that leap. It's why you've never seen it. It isn't because they don't care, it is because they are afraid.

I guess that explains why I never saw it.
 
A lot of people (possibly most?) feel most comfortable in their homes (it is the place where you spend most of your time), but this only becomes a problem when you entirely depend on that comfort zone and don't know how to break away from it. If the only place you go is the supermarket you probably need to branch out a little.

To be honest I think the very first step I took was actually just going to a real salon/barber to get my hair cut instead of having a relative do it. Then I started to do things like sign up for school clubs and such. Then started to actually chat with people at school, eventually going to the mall and movies with them. Even over to their houses, which was extremely uncomfortable for me because I did not really ever go to other people's houses, ever. I didn't know what was 'okay' and what wasn't, at all. I also got a piercing in there somewhere, and probably did a couple other things to get attention.
I even, sort of, went on a date with a girl. (Who rejected me after that 'date', and never once let me call her my 'girlfriend', but oh well...)

Know something really funny? Apparently all along there were several girls who actually liked me. A few times a girl even flirted with me, but I'd never know any of this until long after I was out of school, when I didn't see them anymore. (But I met my wife who I was dating at the time, so it was okay.) All along they were also just too afraid to say anything to me, too. Even the ones who flirted were too afraid to ask me on a date, hoping that I'd be the one to ask them.

For me, the extremely shy guy who pretty much never said a word to other people, the guy some people picked on because he was 'too smart' and 'too nerdy' and 'too quiet' (and eventually 'too weird') and stuff like that, I was in way over my head - and loved every minute of it.
And all it took was to take a few chances. To get away from my comfort zones for a while.
 
Despicable Me said:
And all it took was to take a few chances. To get away from my comfort zones for a while.

I enjoy reading about your success stories. It makes me happy to see that someone actually made something of themselves.

I sure am not. Today just proved it. Here's what I mean.

A few weeks ago I had to get a tooth pulled and in the evening I went to to supermarket to get some stuff and while I was there I got some coffee. My jaw was still pretty sore and I was unable to talk clearly when I gave my order and I apologized to the girl there for that.

She said it was no problem and was extremely kind to me and I was grateful for that. She even shook my hand and hoped that I would get well soon.

I went home that day wondering to myself that maybe this girl had some interest in me. Maybe I said. Or maybe she was just being nice to a customer.

Well these past couple weeks when I was there she wasn't working but today she was. I ordered coffee and she remembered me from two weeks ago and asked how my tooth was. (A good sign I said to myself.)

While she was getting my coffee I was going over in my head all the priceless words of advice I received since I have been here. I said to myself that they are just only going to be words that I read somewhere unless I use that advice in the way it was intended. So, I did.

Mr. Cool I am not. I live on the other side of town from Mr. Cool. I started asking her if she liked coffee herself. She said no because it gave her heartburn.

We now interrupt this hilarious story to tell the reader to prepare to see how our hero shoots himself in the foot yet again. Read on. It's funny. Tell your friends.

As I said I was thinking of her these past few weeks and I kept on going over possible scenarios of me rising to the occasion and saying something witty and funny and asking her to go out for coffee with me sometime.

I did just that. I asked her if she would like to go out for coffee sometime even though I just heard that the stuff gives her heartburn.

She said no. That one word almost knocked me to the ground. Actually she said "no, that's ok" while having a forced smile on her face and I could swear that if she wasn't working at the time she would have turned around and ran.

As soon as I heard the word no time almost stopped and the pain I had from the hernia surgery I had back in 2009 immediately returned. I apologized to her twice and then I walked away.

I walked around the supermarket for a couple of minutes. I didn't even know what I bought and returned home.

Driving home one thought kept on going through my mind over and over. I never should have said a word.
 
BeyondShy said:
TheRealCallie said:
You can conquer your shyness, but it will take hard work and putting yourself out of your comfort zone. Try something harder than you usually do, say hi to people, that sort of thing, and it will get easier the more you do it.

What a hard thing to do.

You know, it's been a long time that someone has come up to me to say hi. I do notice that if I can get comfortable (it does happen) I can hold up a conversation as well as anyone but that first step is like trying to jump out of a plane for the very first time.

Last September I had to go to a fiftieth anniversary party. Got all dressed up, suit and tie, etc. I sat at a table with seven other people and even though I smiled and laughed at some of the things that they were saying (even if they weren't that funny) they never talked to me. As the evening wore on I smiled and laughed a lot less and when it was time for me to leave I was furious but I didn't show it. I was like everyone else there but they didn't include me and I don't know why.

This is a hard situation for you. I went thru loads of nights like this. It's the reason I don't socialize.


TheRealCallie said:
These people that insult and/or embarrass you, do they KNOW you?

Some of them know me. They think they are just "joking around."

TheRealCallie said:
What people say about you can't harm you unless you allow it to. Instead of focusing on the insults and what see see wrong with yourself, look for the good, focus on that. Go a week or even a day without judging yourself and see what happens.

I can only try but right now I am already worried about something that is supposed to go down on Sunday.

I am trying to do steps to help me along with this serious problem of mine so I decided to join a anxiety group that is going to meet this Sunday. So far nine people will be in attendance. Seven women and two men. I know already that none of those seven women will pay any attention to me. I'll bet my house on it.

Despicable Me said:
The problem isn't that you're "shy" it is that you have incredibly low self esteem. The solution to it is very simple, you just need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just be yourself. Learn to take chances. Learn to open up. Learn to worry less and act more.
What are really the consequences to being rejected? Rejection is a part of life and the sooner you realize and accept this the sooner you will learn to overcome it and be happy.

I think this is easier said than done.

And what are the consequences of being rejected? You get humiliated and laughed at.



Despicable Me said:
What you should realize is that a lot of the people you know probably feel exactly the same way as you, and that they are also waiting for someone to walk up and just talk to them. Waiting for someone to come and get to know them. If I had realized that back in middle school or even high school I'm sure things would have went completely different for me. All you need to do is realize this, too. Even the people who might look like they already have some friends might have really low self esteem and unable to really talk to anyone else. It's all about perspective. Yours is wrong.

I've heard this from other people too. My question always is why doesn't someone -anyone- come up and talk to me? Why do I always have to do it first?

I realize I want to be around people so much but at the same time I am trusting them less and less.


BeyondShy said:
TheRealCallie said:
BeyondShy said:
I know already that none of those seven women will pay any attention to me. I'll bet my house on it.
You do NOT know that. Stop thinking that way, it's what gets you in trouble with yourself.

It's worse now. Ten people are going and three of them are men. I honestly can picture what's going to happen. And then they'll act all surprised when I never want to come to another meeting.

TheRealCallie said:
BeyondShy said:
I've heard this from other people too. My question always is why doesn't someone -anyone- come up and talk to me? Why do I always have to do it first?

It could be because you subconsciously put out an unapproachable aura. You don't like yourself and already "know" people won't talk to you, so why should they? They likely see what you try to hide.
Be more confident, put out a little effort, definitely be more positive and you may find it changes.

Well, that does makes sense. Ok. How would you go about doing it?

RainbowWalker said:
The most basic rule to change something is: You have to learn to love yourself. You can start thinking about loving others as soon as you have started to finally love yourself as well.
One thing requires the other. It's as simple as that.

What a hard thing to do. Hell, I don't even accept myself.

RainbowWalker said:
The second thing is that you should not give other people this huge power over you. Because this is what you do. As soon as anyone can make you feel that bad, it shows that you're giving these people more power over you as you should. It's another thing we often don't realize.

Well, I agree with that. None of these **** people that I have come across yet deserved to have this power over me. I actually resent them for it.

RainbowWalker said:
As soon as you start learning to accept yourself (and eventually to even "love" yourself) you will see that your fear of rejection will gradually become less. Because as long as you almost hate yourself like that and as long as you are so afraid of rejection, you will get rejection.

It's because people can notice it. You radiate this fear and others can sense it easily. I was told the very same thing many years ago already too. So I learned about this the hard way too.

Again, something I can't argue about.

But give me a minute here. If people can sense that I am nervous in these situations why wouldn't they try to meet me halfway? If they can tell this why not bother giving me a chance? I am not asking for a handout here. Just a hand from these people. I don't even get that.


Despicable Me said:
BeyondShy said:
I think this is easier said than done.
Definitely. The thing about that is if you always say "it's too hard" and never try then you are the only one holding yourself back from living a happy life.
When I realized this, you know what I did? I started taking leaps of faith into things and I was all the more happier.
It's a repeating cycle. If you believe its too hard you will never try, and if you never try you will always believe its too hard. So the only way out of that cycle is to have the strength to break it.

You probably had someone to help you take that first step.



Despicable Me said:
BeyondShy said:
I've heard this from other people too. My question always is why doesn't someone -anyone- come up and talk to me? Why do I always have to do it first?

I realize I want to be around people so much but at the same time I am trusting them less and less.
The answer is very simple - Almost everyone is scared. Very few people have found strength. And those with real strength only have time for so much. They can't help everyone.
So it is rather rare for anyone to step outside of their comfort zone and actually do something 'different'. That is why you never see it - it is why almost no one ever sees it.

My comfort zone is inside my house. I don't know where else to go.

And as far as anyone stepping outside of their comfort zone I personally have never seen it. I don't think anyone really cares.



And before I post this I just want to say that everyone who has responded in this thread has really had a lot of insightful things to say. I got a lot to think about.



I was like you 20 years ago, everything the same. The nights out you describe; I used to stand by myself all night. If I talked to people they just laughed or smirked at me. It was horrible.

And then I got a job in a shop serving customers. Honest to god, it scared me to death. Having to talk to people all day. It was exhausting and I hated it and people starred at me and laughed. But over the years my confidence grew and I find it easy now. I enjoy it too, talking to people. I suggest you do something like this. A charity shop perhaps ? Something to get you talking to people.
 
BeyondShy said:
I asked her if she would like to go out for coffee sometime even though I just heard that the stuff gives her heartburn.

She said no. That one word almost knocked me to the ground. Actually she said "no, that's ok" while having a forced smile on her face and I could swear that if she wasn't working at the time she would have turned around and ran.

As soon as I heard the word no time almost stopped and the pain I had from the hernia surgery I had back in 2009 immediately returned. I apologized to her twice and then I walked away.

I walked around the supermarket for a couple of minutes. I didn't even know what I bought and returned home.

Driving home one thought kept on going through my mind over and over. I never should have said a word.
Are you kidding me? That's the best experience you could have at this point.

So what if she said 'No'? Yeah, it hurts. But you got over it didn't you?
But you know what? I couldn't even ask girls out at the point you're at. Every time I got close to a girl I'd get so silent. It took several years of pushing myself to even open up to people (just a little bit).

And you took the step to ask a girl out after just a little bit of advice? You've got courage. Don't you dare say you shouldn't have said anything. You need to do it more. Get hurt more, it's okay, it really is. Because eventually you'll meet someone who will say 'Yes' and it will make every 'No' completely worth it.

But to be honest, it was a bit silly to ask her to coffee right after she said she didn't like it.
Remember to LISTEN to what she has to say before you ask - listening is pretty important to girls. ;)

If you do really think about the situation, Why would she have remembered you after two weeks just because of your tooth? She probably sees so many other customers.
She either has an amazing memory or maybe she really did think you were interesting. Maybe she would have said Yes if you had 'actually' been listening to her.
Know this sounds awful, but it might be worth asking her again. What's the worst that could happen? She might say 'No' again? Maybe the hernia might come back but later you can have a laugh about it. Taking a moment to laugh at yourself is very important. It keeps your spirits high.

Take more leaps! It's worth it, I promise!
 
Triple Bogey said:
I was like you 20 years ago, everything the same. The nights out you describe; I used to stand by myself all night. If I talked to people they just laughed or smirked at me. It was horrible.

I used to just stand there and watch them do this but as the years have gone on I get mad now.


Triple Bogey said:
And then I got a job in a shop serving customers. Honest to god, it scared me to death. Having to talk to people all day. It was exhausting and I hated it and people starred at me and laughed. But over the years my confidence grew and I find it easy now. I enjoy it too, talking to people. I suggest you do something like this. A charity shop perhaps ? Something to get you talking to people.

Not a bad idea but I have no idea if any of these kind of shops are near by to me.

Despicable Me said:
Are you kidding me? That's the best experience you could have at this point.

So what if she said 'No'? Yeah, it hurts. But you got over it didn't you?
But you know what? I couldn't even ask girls out at the point you're at. Every time I got close to a girl I'd get so silent. It took several years of pushing myself to even open up to people (just a little bit).

And you took the step to ask a girl out after just a little bit of advice? You've got courage. Don't you dare say you shouldn't have said anything. You need to do it more. Get hurt more, it's okay, it really is. Because eventually you'll meet someone who will say 'Yes' and it will make every 'No' completely worth it.

I see what you are trying to say but as far as this being a good experience for me let's just say I could do with a lot less of these. But I get it. I learned something.

I'm over it now but I keep on rehashing the entire conversation. I had to take this step. I didn't come here to post and tell everyone what the hell is the matter with me and then say to myself well, that's all I can do about it.

It's so easy to write about how I feel. I can stop any time, pick out the right word I want to say and then move on. Not when you are talking to someone face-to-face.

Despicable Me said:
But to be honest, it was a bit silly to ask her to coffee right after she said she didn't like it.
Remember to LISTEN to what she has to say before you ask - listening is pretty important to girls.

Sure it was. I see exactly what you are saying. But it was like this. I was so concerned on what I was going to say because I rehearsed it so much that I didn't know what to say when she said she didn't drink coffee. It's like asking someone you know who is a vegetarian to go out for a burger.

It was silly. It was stupid. It was me.


Despicable Me said:
If you do really think about the situation, Why would she have remembered you after two weeks just because of your tooth? She probably sees so many other customers.
She either has an amazing memory or maybe she really did think you were interesting. Maybe she would have said Yes if you had 'actually' been listening to her.
Know this sounds awful, but it might be worth asking her again. What's the worst that could happen? She might say 'No' again? Maybe the hernia might come back but later you can have a laugh about it. Taking a moment to laugh at yourself is very important. It keeps your spirits high.

Take more leaps! It's worth it, I promise!

Good point. I think maybe I'll return there next week and try one more time. What's one more emergency room visit?

Thank you. Thank you so much.
 

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