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My enemy is myself
#21
(03-19-2015, 04:47 AM)Mouse Wrote: This is what I did: Make effort. Instead of wallowing in self pity staying at home, I joined outdoor clubs to do things I never thought were possible.

Like abseiling. Abseiling put the shits up me.


Anna Mouse

For those who don't know what abseiling means…

abseil
[ahp-zahyl, ab-seyl]
Spell Syllables
Word Origin
noun, verb (used without object)
1.
rappel.
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#22
Despicable Me Wrote:I see what you are trying to say but as far as this being a good experience for me let's just say I could do with a lot less of these. But I get it. I learned something.

I'm over it now but I keep on rehashing the entire conversation. I had to take this step. I didn't come here to post and tell everyone what the hell is the matter with me and then say to myself well, that's all I can do about it.

It's so easy to write about how I feel. I can stop any time, pick out the right word I want to say and then move on. Not when you are talking to someone face-to-face.
Yeah, I get that 100%. I used to go over conversations in my head over and over and over. I still do occasionally, but I've gotten thousands of times better about it now. I learned to let things go.

And yes, it is a lot harder to have face-to-face conversations than write... I've never really figured out why that is, but I think everyone feels the same way there.

(03-20-2015, 09:48 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: Sure it was. I see exactly what you are saying. But it was like this. I was so concerned on what I was going to say because I rehearsed it so much that I didn't know what to say when she said she didn't drink coffee. It's like asking someone you know who is a vegetarian to go out for a burger.

It was silly. It was stupid. It was me.
Again, I know exactly what you mean. It's not stupid, I think it's pretty normal.
When you're not used to having conversations you get so focused on what you're going to say that you forget to actually pay attention.
I still tend to 'rehearse' what I want to say when I feel very uncomfortable somewhere, usually when I'm visiting a new, unfamiliar place.

Really though, rehearsing lines just seems to make things worse most of the time, for me at least. I've noticed it is actually easier to just force myself not to worry obsessively over what I should say and just blurt things out (and possibly look dumb in the process).

(03-20-2015, 09:48 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: Good point. I think maybe I'll return there next week and try one more time. What's one more emergency room visit?

Thank you. Thank you so much.
I see you are taking time to laugh at yourself. Smile That is very, very good. I think you'll be fine.
Just remember that you might feel lonely now, and it might be hard to do talk to people in the moment but every time you do it it only gets easier the next time.

No need to thank me. I'm sure someday in the future when you're happy and not alone you'll pass on the same advice to someone else.
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#23
(03-21-2015, 12:52 AM)Despicable Me Wrote: And yes, it is a lot harder to have face-to-face conversations than write... I've never really figured out why that is, but I think everyone feels the same way there.

It's because you can stop and think of the right words. And when you do that you don't worry about when you are going to start typing again. When you do, you do. But that's not the case when talking to someone in person.


(03-21-2015, 12:52 AM)Despicable Me Wrote: Really though, rehearsing lines just seems to make things worse most of the time, for me at least. I've noticed it is actually easier to just force myself not to worry obsessively over what I should say and just blurt things out (and possibly look dumb in the process).

I think that's going to be my next approach. Instead of going over a conversation in my head that will never turn out exactly the way I expect it to be I will go there and just talk from the heart without any rehearsal. Nothing I have done has been right yet so doing it this way is not going to hurt one way or the other.


(03-21-2015, 12:52 AM)Despicable Me Wrote: I see you are taking time to laugh at yourself. Smile That is very, very good. I think you'll be fine.
Just remember that you might feel lonely now, and it might be hard to do talk to people in the moment but every time you do it it only gets easier the next time.

No need to thank me. I'm sure someday in the future when you're happy and not alone you'll pass on the same advice to someone else.

I would gladly do the same for anyone. In fact I may have already done this years ago. I've got a niece and I told her years ago to have fun in school and do what makes her happy and try not to have any regrets. I told her not to be like her godfather who missed out on so much.
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#24
Today I took care of all family business.

-Michael Corleone



Today was the day of the shyness/anxiety meeting that I mentioned before. I was the first one there and I don't know how many times I wanted to leave.

Then I saw some of the people come in. I knew this because I recognized them from their photos they posted online. They did not know me because I didn't upload a photo.

I was about to go but then I heard my name mentioned and they all said that they hoped I was going to show up because they knew how nervous I was about it. I waited a few minutes and then I stood up and walked over to the girl who organized the meeting and told her I was the one she was looking for.

They all said hello and welcomed me and I tried to say hi back but I mostly nodded. We went to our table and I sat between them and when I am extremely self conscious about something I can not talk that loud. Nerves. I even had a hard time hearing what I was saying so I know they sure did.

Six people were there and four were women. And as it always seems to be the case there was one person who dominated the conversation and that person happened to be the other guy that was there. Every time I worked myself up to say something he stopped to let me say it and then he was off again yapping away. Those kind of people are hard to compete against.

But I did say some things. I wanted to say more but I didn't have much of a chance. I stayed for the entire meeting. I felt better about doing that.

Just being there was a minor victory to me never minding that chatterbox. I felt so good that I went to the place where that girl works. And she was there. I said to myself you better do it so I went up to her and told her everything.

I said I wanted to apologize to her and she said for what? I told her that I am an extremely shy person and I actually rehearsed what I wanted to say to her over and over and that is why I asked her to go for coffee even after she said she didn't drink it.

I told her that this is very hard for me and basically I just wanted to get to know her. So she said why don't we talk when you come in and get coffee, that's what we can do. I said ok and I left.

I think I got a very polite brush-off but hey, I did explain myself.

And that was my day.
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#25
It is an anxiety group meeting, so the "chatterbox" guy was just dealing with his anxiety the way he knew how - by chatting nonstop. Some people do deal with their anxiety that way. They also often forget everything they said later or feel very foolish about some of the things they did say and beat themselves up about it. But I guess you didn't ask to know that. Smile But it might be something worth noting for future reference.

As for speaking louder so others can hear, I'm sure that will get better. I bet some of them even feel the same way.

Sounds to me like everything is going pretty well for you. It does sound like the girl was trying to brush you off, but that's fine. Maybe she has a boyfriend and doesn't want to hang out with other guys and make him jealous? *shrug* You'll meet someone else. Smile
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#26
(03-24-2015, 03:27 AM)Despicable Me Wrote: It is an anxiety group meeting, so the "chatterbox" guy was just dealing with his anxiety the way he knew how - by chatting nonstop. Some people do deal with their anxiety that way. They also often forget everything they said later or feel very foolish about some of the things they did say and beat themselves up about it. But I guess you didn't ask to know that. Smile But it might be something worth noting for future reference.

I didn't know if there was any polite way to turn to him to ask him why the hell he talked so much.


(03-24-2015, 03:27 AM)Despicable Me Wrote: As for speaking louder so others can hear, I'm sure that will get better. I bet some of them even feel the same way.

Maybe so. And when the next time rolls around that is my main goal. Just to be heard more.

(03-24-2015, 03:27 AM)Despicable Me Wrote: Sounds to me like everything is going pretty well for you. It does sound like the girl was trying to brush you off, but that's fine. Maybe she has a boyfriend and doesn't want to hang out with other guys and make him jealous? *shrug* You'll meet someone else. Smile

I kind of had that feeling too. But at least I felt better when I left her yesterday than the other time. This time I said exactly what I meant to say. Maybe she does have a boyfriend. Who knows? I'm not going to ask.
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#27
(03-24-2015, 04:46 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: I didn't know if there was any polite way to turn to him to ask him why the hell he talked so much.
He's in your anxiety group, so my only conclusion is that his chatting is in fact the symptom of his anxiety, just as your inability to speak is yours. I've seen it before.
If this is true, and I see no reason to assume otherwise, then it is actually probably a touchy subject for him.
He feels as though talking a lot makes up for his weaknesses, his internal anxieties and fears. It's a defense mechanism that he uses to deal with stressful situations.

He will get over it, for the most part, eventually because that same defense mechanism will get him used to his anxieties and eventually he will overcome them, so long as he doesn't repress himself or cause the problem to internalize. He may just need some friends?
Bet he's actually a great guy if you get to know him, and he'll likely tone down the chattiness if he isn't stressed.

Sorry, I have too many psychologists in my family. Maybe more than you wanted to know. Wink

(03-24-2015, 04:46 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: Maybe so. And when the next time rolls around that is my main goal. Just to be heard more.
That's one thing I still haven't nailed down myself! I've gotten hundreds of times better than I used to be, but apparently I don't have it quite right yet.
I think I speak loud enough now but sometimes my wife still tells me she can't hear me. I don't know why. I believe I'm using the same volume everywhere. Am I just too used to the quiet to know what the problem is? Hmm... I'll figure it out one day. Maybe.

Anyway, good luck. I don't think you'll really need it, though. You're already doing great.
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#28
(03-19-2015, 10:34 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: [quote='Despicable Me' pid='707296' dateline='1426713601']
[quote='BeyondShy' pid='707289' dateline='1426711338']
My comfort zone is inside my house. I don't know where else to go.


Wow. That is so true. I feel most comfortable in my own home. It's not that I am afraid to leave my house or anything like that. I mean I can do that at a moment's notice. It's just that I don't. Not counting the supermarket I don't go anywhere else.

Oh that is me¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡
My first language is spanish, so Im sorry about my english[color=#00BFF[/color]F]
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#29
I kinda feel the same way. I've home far more than out somewhere, since I've had to deal with a lot of emotional junk. I could go out, have a good time, return home and my mood will soon turn to lonely or extreme sadness. So I prefer to just stay put so my mood will not be on a roller-coaster.
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#30
Time for a little update with me.

I have not seen that girl that I asked to coffee for awhile. For all I know after I asked her that she quit her job and moved away.

Last week I answered an ad on line for someone who was interested in having coffee with "a nice, interesting guy" and figuring that two out of three wasn't bad I found myself answering the ad. I figured that I would leave it up to her if she thought I was interesting. I think I am since I spend a lot of time with myself. Shy

Well, we agreed to meet at 6:00 pm and I got there about fifteen minutes before to get a table. To make a long story short she didn't show up. I don't know why but I am sure it is something I did.

As far as meeting someone from online in the future that is over and done with as of now.
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