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My enemy is myself
#31
(04-09-2015, 06:23 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: Well, we agreed to meet at 6:00 pm and I got there about fifteen minutes before to get a table. To make a long story short she didn't show up. I don't know why but I am sure it is something I did.
Doubt it. Why else would she have even agreed to meet you?
It's possible the ad was a way for her to try to step out of her comfort zone and do something different, but when time came she chickened out. Or maybe she was actually just extremely superficial and doesn't actually stick around for a lot of her dates. Who knows? Could be anything.
Don't go blaming yourself, no point to it. If you really want to know then text her back (or however you contacted her before) and just ask.

But no matter - she's the one that didn't show up so that was entirely her fault. She didn't even give you a real chance. You can't be blamed for anything there. Don't go blaming yourself when none of it was your fault and you know that.

(04-09-2015, 06:23 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: As far as meeting someone from online in the future that is over and done with as of now.
Well to be fair, a lot of people think that dating people online or in other random-ish ways is better, but a lot of the time its actually harder because then people get used to the anonymity and can't muster up the courage to go through with it, imagined someone different, or just act differently in person.
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#32
(04-09-2015, 07:25 AM)Despicable Me Wrote: Doubt it. Why else would she have even agreed to meet you?

Well, maybe so. That's my initial reaction for things. Looking at it rationally I should have seen it was her fault because at least I did show up.





(04-09-2015, 07:25 AM)Despicable Me Wrote: Well to be fair, a lot of people think that dating people online or in other random-ish ways is better, but a lot of the time its actually harder because then people get used to the anonymity and can't muster up the courage to go through with it, imagined someone different, or just act differently in person.

It would be for me. In my case I can express myself better when I write but I get too damned nervous in person and then I don't know if I am being judged, etc, etc.
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#33
I think the girl might have just been too nervous.

I haven't read everything in detail, but I have some advice I can give you.

First of all, don't always focus on your negative sides. What is positive about you? Are you good at something? Are you intelligent? Creative? Nice? Do you see yourself as a good person? I know first hand that it's very hard to focus on this, but reading the topic you come across as a very nice guy, I wouldn't worry about a thing.

Related to this, it's useless to compare yourself to others all the time, you're basically fooling yourself and you should be aware of this. I personally find myself comparing me to others all the time (oh he looks better than I do, his clothes are so nice, etc.), and it's just a waste of time. First of all, it's impossible to view yourself objectively, as if you were another person, you can never know what other people might think of how you look or behave, because you are not another person, and everyone has different tastes. Also, you can't know everything about another person, you can only see what a person shows, and nobody is going to show a lot of negativity. That's why everyone looks happier, more interesting, etc., and by knowing this and reminding yourself of this whenever you feel the need, you'll gradually learn it's useless to compare yourself to others, because it's impossible to properly compare yourself to anyone.

You've also said (like in your post above mine) that you are capable of looking at things rationally. Never stop doing this, and know that that's probably true. Correct yourself in thoughts that are irrational and probably untrue, like that you've done something wrong that made the girl not show up. It was definitely not you, it was her who decided that and her who missed out on you. I know it's hard to do this (again, I've been there), but just know that your assumptions aren't based on anything concrete, and are probably not true. Eventually you'll get a hang of this and do it automatically.

About your issues in social situations; take it step by step. There's no need to rush, and just take small steps out of your comfort zone until you're comfortable, then take another step.

I hope this helps, and best of luck Smile.
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#34
(04-19-2015, 05:54 AM)aspalas Wrote: I think the girl might have just been too nervous.

The hell she was. I didn't tell everyone in here what else I found out about this a few days after it happened. She said that she was there waiting for me and that she had some kind of jacket on that when I saw it I was supposed to recognize her in it. The problem is that she never told me anything about wearing a particular jacket so I didn't know what to look for.


(04-19-2015, 05:54 AM)aspalas Wrote: First of all, don't always focus on your negative sides. What is positive about you? Are you good at something? Are you intelligent? Creative? Nice? Do you see yourself as a good person? I know first hand that it's very hard to focus on this, but reading the topic you come across as a very nice guy, I wouldn't worry about a thing.

Yeah I am a nice guy but I am getting very tired of holding on to this information all by myself. And as each day goes on I am getting more and more fed up with it. There is always a comfort in being alone at times but not when it is 24/7 every single day of the week.

So I decided to join a website called okcupid. I don't know what I am doing wrong there but I'm doing it. I am not going to provide my screen name on there here because I am not going to give any of you a chance to laugh at me. I'm anything but stupid so all of you people can go find someone else to poke fun at because I'm not playing.

Here is a message I sent to someone. I thought it was a nice opening greeting. Hello, I wanted to say hi and I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Anything wrong with that? I didn't think so. I got no response. I don't know if I was more angry or hurt. I mean why wouldn't I get a response?

I don't know where else to go to meet anyone.


(04-19-2015, 05:54 AM)aspalas Wrote: Related to this, it's useless to compare yourself to others all the time, you're basically fooling yourself and you should be aware of this. I personally find myself comparing me to others all the time (oh he looks better than I do, his clothes are so nice, etc.), and it's just a waste of time. First of all, it's impossible to view yourself objectively, as if you were another person, you can never know what other people might think of how you look or behave, because you are not another person, and everyone has different tastes. Also, you can't know everything about another person, you can only see what a person shows, and nobody is going to show a lot of negativity. That's why everyone looks happier, more interesting, etc., and by knowing this and reminding yourself of this whenever you feel the need, you'll gradually learn it's useless to compare yourself to others, because it's impossible to properly compare yourself to anyone.

When I compare myself to others I always end up on the short end but what you said did make sense.
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#35
(04-24-2015, 01:46 PM)BeyondShy Wrote: So I decided to join a website called okcupid. I don't know what I am doing wrong there but I'm doing it. I am not going to provide my screen name on there here because I am not going to give any of you a chance to laugh at me. I'm anything but stupid so all of you people can go find someone else to poke fun at because I'm not playing.

Here is a message I sent to someone. I thought it was a nice opening greeting. Hello, I wanted to say hi and I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Anything wrong with that? I didn't think so. I got no response. I don't know if I was more angry or hurt. I mean why wouldn't I get a response?

OKCupid, like any and all dating sites, is generally going to be a numbers game... with the rare exception that if you happen to be exceptional looking and have good statistics that you ain't lying about.. then it's a game rigged for you to win. But the vast, vast majority of folks are not that. So this means you're just normal, and like virtually everyone, it's going to be an uphill battle. Full of rejections or no response to your messages.

I'd say if you can get a response for every 1 out of 20 messages you send, that's "good enough"... and for some men who've never received a single response ever (they do exist), it's an excellent number, and you should feel blessed.

Another thing you need to learn is make your message interesting... most women on those sites are inundated with loads of messages.. of course, they want something a little different than just a simple greeting or "have a nice weekend".. they like a sense of humor, or even a little edginess.

Most important thing, though.. is to have extremely low expectations. It could be that even after contacting 100 different people, even those that reply will not want to meet. If you have low expectations, this won't hurt self-esteem.. otherwise it could be damaging. In short, one could say that if you're insecure with low self-esteem, online dating may not be a great choice for you.
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#36
(04-24-2015, 02:05 PM)Batman55 Wrote: OKCupid, like any and all dating sites, is generally going to be a numbers game... with the rare exception that if you happen to be exceptional looking and have good statistics that you ain't lying about.. then it's a game rigged for you to win. But the vast, vast majority of folks are not that. So this means you're just normal, and like virtually everyone, it's going to be an uphill battle. Full of rejections or no response to your messages.

You're not kidding there. I am finding this out for myself.

(04-24-2015, 02:05 PM)Batman55 Wrote: I'd say if you can get a response for every 1 out of 20 messages you send, that's "good enough"... and for some men who've never received a single response ever (they do exist), it's an excellent number, and you should feel blessed.

I feel I would have a better chance if I got on a plane and went to Las Vegas.


(04-24-2015, 02:05 PM)Batman55 Wrote: Another thing you need to learn is make your message interesting... most women on those sites are inundated with loads of messages.. of course, they want something a little different than just a simple greeting or "have a nice weekend".. they like a sense of humor, or even a little edginess.

I don't know what to do to do something like this. I am just about done with this site.

(04-24-2015, 02:05 PM)Batman55 Wrote: Most important thing, though.. is to have extremely low expectations. It could be that even after contacting 100 different people, even those that reply will not want to meet. If you have low expectations, this won't hurt self-esteem.. otherwise it could be damaging. In short, one could say that if you're insecure with low self-esteem, online dating may not be a great choice for you.

Don't worry about that. I have no expectations.
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#37
(04-25-2015, 02:28 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: I feel I would have a better chance if I got on a plane and went to Las Vegas.

Perhaps you could be a bit more specific, there...

I mean it is true there's a lot of more "uninhibited" folks there to have fun, but to get anywhere you still have to know how to play the game, dress the part, exude some confidence, take chances. Shyness in any locale, any situation, generally takes you nowhere. It sucks, but at least you ain't the only one... I've had to deal with it my entire life, as well.

(04-25-2015, 02:28 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: I don't know what to do to do something like this. I am just about done with this site.

Well if you've got no expectations, that's a part of the battle won, already. I'd say to keep trying, man.
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#38
(04-25-2015, 02:27 PM)Batman55 Wrote:
(04-25-2015, 02:28 AM)BeyondShy Wrote: I feel I would have a better chance if I got on a plane and went to Las Vegas.

Perhaps you could be a bit more specific, there...

No, I meant to say I would have a better chance at success if I went to Vegas, where you are expected to lose, than okcupid. I get no one to talk to me there.

And you are right. Shyness in any situation takes you nowhere. It's terrible. And it's killing me.



(04-25-2015, 02:27 PM)Batman55 Wrote: Well if you've got no expectations, that's a part of the battle won, already. I'd say to keep trying, man.

I don't know how much longer I will be there anyway. I can get ignored by women without logging on my computer.
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#39
I think part of the problem with OKCupid is that, because it can end up a numbers game, some people spam the same message to a whole bunch of different people therefore messages like your nice greeting is likely to be seen as a message that might have been sent to many people and is more likely to be ignored unfortunately. It can help to make it a bit more specific to the person's profile just so it isn't taken that way.

Hope things get better for you.
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#40
I say pack in online fucking dating and do something more interesting.
Go on a cycle ride, join a club. Go hiking, great exercise and a chance to meet some really nice people.
Charity work - a chance to help others less fortunate than you.
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