An early rejection

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Triple Bogey

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I've wanted to write about this for a long time, never quite got round to it. It's going to long and detailed and I don't always have the time. It is something that I think about from time to time, an event that defines me. Here goes ..

It was 1980, December and the last day at school before christmas. In the afternoon we didn't have any lessons, instead we were to have a disco, all the school, all 260 odd of us.

So we all piled in the assembly hall and the boys sat at one end and the girls the other. I remember quite a few details, a teacher played 'Strawberry Fields Forever' and dedicated it to John Lennon who had just been murdered in New York. A Sex pistol song got played and some of the lads did this strange dance called ' head banging'

I was enjoying it, I had lots of friends. I was 12 and happy enough.

Anyway to encourage the kids to dance the teachers picked one lad and one girl and played a song for them to dance to. After the song ended the lad and lass were told to pick new partners so 4 kids would be on the dance floor. And so on, 8, 16, 32, 64, 132 and finally 264. You get the picture.

So the music started and I sat there waiting to get picked. I expected to. My best friend did early on with this girl from down my street. The music played, the boys and girls danced and they looked happy. Everybody was having a good time.

The dance floor got more and more packed and I remember girls looking at me and looking away and choosing somebody else. The music continued until everybody was on the dance floor except ME. The music stopped they couldn't continue it, they ran out of people. Everybody sat down, happy.

So I never got picked and they may have been a few other lads at the back playing cards not wanting to get involved. But apart from that it was just me. (Not sure about the girls, maybe a few)

I didn't think that much about it, I was disappointed, I wondered why. It is something I have thought back on. It was my first rejection. It set things in motion. I haven't been picked since in some ways. While I can understand it now I can't back then. I was a happy kid, smart, I didn't stink, I had friends. I was good looking. It can't have been my attitude, not back then. I wasn't bitter or cynical. I wasn't wary of rejection.

It took me about 10 years to realize that women didn't like me. I naively thought I was as good as everybody else. I never thought I was better, nothing like that. It's like my destiny, in my DNA or something. I cannot understand it.

Of course it bothered me for years, now I embrace it, almost say to myself 'thank god, easy life'

I just wonder why. What is so wrong ? Even at 12 I wasn't good enough. All the others got picked and I didn't. All the girls picked other boys.

Yes I have been out with 3 different women over the years but all of them were seeing other men at the time and treated me like crap.

Anyway thanks for reading. :)
 
Oh man......it's taken you this long to share this?! That is one seriously profound defining event in a 12 year old's life!

260 kids in the assembly hall, you didn't get picked and there's no clear reason why not?

I really wish that you had asked around a bit, quietly like, back then, to find out if there was something going on.......like maybe a nasty rumor somebody had started, or some other thing. But it's a little late for that now.

Oh wow, my heart really feels for the 12 year old guy that you were. That's truly awful.
 
Aw, sorry to hear that, D. I was in a situation almost identical to that at summer camp around age 11 or so. At the end I was sitting by myself, crying. So I know how your 12 year old self felt. There've been a number of similar situations like that for me where I wasn't picked by anyone. I'm not sure if I was deliberately ignored or just forgotten and not noticed, which isn't much better than being ignored.
It's why I notice now when someone hasn't been chosen for a group activity and I try to reach out and have them join me so they don't feel like I did way back when.

-Teresa
 
I can relate, I never really had friends in school, until high school that it is (16 - 18 years old here), where I made a couple of close friends and I finished last year so it's still fresh, but before that, I just felt like I was always repelling people..and even now! My sense of humor doesn't comply with theirs, my ideas are always considered impractical or pointless, even though they orbit around neutrality and open mindness, and I'm considered by all others to be wasting my life. Then again, technology provided me with artificial companionship, throughout my childhood, so needless to day that I usually leave my house once a month. (Well, now I can't do that because I'm a conscript).

Anyhow, enough about me and my pointless monologue. I can relate to that thing, and an effective way to fight it is a small yet healthy dose of narrow minded ego, which not only helps one keep their self esteem high, but also prevents them from feeling like there's something wrong or they're doing something wrong.

Cheers!
 
I give you credit for actually being there. I never even would have gone that far.
 
constant stranger said:
Oh man......it's taken you this long to share this?! That is one seriously profound defining event in a 12 year old's life!

260 kids in the assembly hall, you didn't get picked and there's no clear reason why not?

I really wish that you had asked around a bit, quietly like, back then, to find out if there was something going on.......like maybe a nasty rumor somebody had started, or some other thing. But it's a little late for that now.

Oh wow, my heart really feels for the 12 year old guy that you were. That's truly awful.
Click to expand...

Thank you.

I just didn't think about asking why.
Things like that have defined me though. Last week at work this guy was leaving and everybody got together to celebrate and give his presents. I kept out of it, just stayed in the canteen. I don't like groups of people, I can cope with 3 or 4 but not more and especially when everybody is laughing and in a good mood.
 
I can relate as well as I was once in a very similar situation at university. You sit there trying to look relaxed and not bothered by being the only one who is not asked to dance, but inside you feel crushed.
 
SofiasMami said:
Aw, sorry to hear that, D. I was in a situation almost identical to that at summer camp around age 11 or so. At the end I was sitting by myself, crying. So I know how your 12 year old self felt. There've been a number of similar situations like that for me where I wasn't picked by anyone. I'm not sure if I was deliberately ignored or just forgotten and not noticed, which isn't much better than being ignored.
It's why I notice now when someone hasn't been chosen for a group activity and I try to reach out and have them join me so they don't feel like I did way back when.

-Teresa
Click to expand...

I think we've all got stories like mine. We don't get picked for whatever reason. Throughout our life as well, has children and has adults.
 
That's a shame. Unfortunately at that age, you don't usually think to question it, you just more or less subconsciously conclude, oh, there's something wrong with me, people don't like me, this is a fact.

Dancing wise, I remember the teacher pairing off the girl I had the biggest crush on with my major enemy in school, I felt horrible rage and jealousy directed at the girl, when she'd done nothing at all. I was all of about 8 years old at the time! She had also been the first girl I ever kissed, when I was about 6 - I had to bribe her with sweets though.

Also, when I was 11 I was leaving my primary school and I was full of confidence as a dancer, having won a disco dancing competition a year earlier. I was shaking it about at the leavers' disco, when I turned around and saw 2 girls pointing and laughing at me. There were tears, and I never went on a dancefloor again (well not unless I was hideously drunk!).

It's funny how these things stick in our minds and shape our destinies, but I think we play our own part. It's kind of like wanting to be close to a fire for its warmth, but we've been burned badly, so we keep far away, but still look at the fire from a distance wishing we could get close, but bearing those old wounds.

Sorry to hear about your experience. These days I try to recognise that fact that I am going to be rejected 99% of the time, but then so is everyone else at some point, if not at the school dance then when they get divorced 30 years later, or from work, or in other respects. I try to look at the 1% of acceptance which is the gold you have to sift through a lot of dirt to find, and unfortunately I think sometimes we only let ourselves see the dirt to protect ourselves.
 
TheWalkingDead said:
That's a shame. Unfortunately at that age, you don't usually think to question it, you just more or less subconsciously conclude, oh, there's something wrong with me, people don't like me, this is a fact.

Dancing wise, I remember the teacher pairing off the girl I had the biggest crush on with my major enemy in school, I felt horrible rage and jealousy directed at the girl, when she'd done nothing at all. I was all of about 8 years old at the time! She had also been the first girl I ever kissed, when I was about 6 - I had to bribe her with sweets though.

Also, when I was 11 I was leaving my primary school and I was full of confidence as a dancer, having won a disco dancing competition a year earlier. I was shaking it about at the leavers' disco, when I turned around and saw 2 girls pointing and laughing at me. There were tears, and I never went on a dancefloor again (well not unless I was hideously drunk!).

It's funny how these things stick in our minds and shape our destinies, but I think we play our own part. It's kind of like wanting to be close to a fire for its warmth, but we've been burned badly, so we keep far away, but still look at the fire from a distance wishing we could get close, but bearing those old wounds.

Sorry to hear about your experience. These days I try to recognise that fact that I am going to be rejected 99% of the time, but then so is everyone else at some point, if not at the school dance then when they get divorced 30 years later, or from work, or in other respects. I try to look at the 1% of acceptance which is the gold you have to sift through a lot of dirt to find, and unfortunately I think sometimes we only let ourselves see the dirt to protect ourselves.
Click to expand...

Interesting points you make.

Apart from not getting picked at the xmas dance, they were loads of little pointers that told me how my life would end up. I remember never getting picked for the football team even though I was one of the best players. I remember my work experience they sent me home because they didn't like me. After I left school, I found it nearly impossible to get a job. And the jobs I got were dead end rubbish jobs compared to the great jobs other kids my age easily got even though I had more qualifications.

I remember my first job in retail, the manager took me to one side and told me I had a 'very deadpan speaking' voice and I didn't talk enough to the staff and I didn't work quickly enough and I wasn't talkative enough to the customers. Funny now after 20 years in retail, I happen to think I am very talkative at work. I have a 'one to one' meeting with the manager next week and I know he will say something negative about me. Say my voice is miserable or I'm not chatty enough with the customers.
 
I can relate to this as well. Whenever we did dancing at school (both in primary and high school), I was never selected. And when the boys had to choose a partner, the girls I asked would always refuse. Even when the teachers put people together, which ever girl I was put with would always refuse to dance with me. A few times in high school, the teachers even threatened the girls with detention if they refused to dance with me. They still did, and never got detention anyway, plus having the teacher do that just made it worse anyway. I would either have to 'dance' on my own, or just sit there and watch everyone else. All humiliating. All the girls would say is that they didn't want me to touch them, and they didn't want to touch me, or stand close to me. Nobody else seemed to ever be treated the same.

I'm now 39, and still haven't even held hands with a woman. Not from lack of wanting to, or trying, but I guess I find that women still don't want be near me .... and I still don't really know why.

Similar things still happen though. If the only chair is next to me, people (men and women) will always choose to stand instead of sit next to me. Or, if it's in a room, they will choose to bring in a chair from another room. I'll get overlooked by a shop assistant, as they serve everyone else, even if they are behind me in line, until there is nobody else and thus, I am the only option left (although even then, I have, on a few occasions, had the shop assistant just walk away). Making a fuss about it just makes it worse. It always has.
 
Cucuboth said:
I can relate to this as well. Whenever we did dancing at school (both in primary and high school), I was never selected. And when the boys had to choose a partner, the girls I asked would always refuse. Even when the teachers put people together, which ever girl I was put with would always refuse to dance with me. A few times in high school, the teachers even threatened the girls with detention if they refused to dance with me. They still did, and never got detention anyway, plus having the teacher do that just made it worse anyway. I would either have to 'dance' on my own, or just sit there and watch everyone else. All humiliating. All the girls would say is that they didn't want me to touch them, and they didn't want to touch me, or stand close to me. Nobody else seemed to ever be treated the same.

I'm now 39, and still haven't even held hands with a woman. Not from lack of wanting to, or trying, but I guess I find that women still don't want be near me .... and I still don't really know why.

Similar things still happen though. If the only chair is next to me, people (men and women) will always choose to stand instead of sit next to me. Or, if it's in a room, they will choose to bring in a chair from another room. I'll get overlooked by a shop assistant, as they serve everyone else, even if they are behind me in line, until there is nobody else and thus, I am the only option left (although even then, I have, on a few occasions, had the shop assistant just walk away). Making a fuss about it just makes it worse. It always has.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry you have to put up with all this.
One thing that happens to me. When I am on a bus and sitting on a double seat and the other seat is empty. When people get on the bus they choose to sit next to somebody else. The seat next to me is always the last to be taken. I don't travel on buses because of this reason.
 
I feel that way about the empty seat on the bus sometimes, but I think it's something more random going on. I always sit on the higher seats over the wheels near the back (well on double decker buses here anyway), I think sometimes people go for the first available seat, or wade their way to the back then give up and go for the first available. By the time you have to go upstairs you have to just hope you find a clean seat that isn't covered in some kind of foodstuff or worse...

I have experienced being on an empty bus and people coming sitting next to me - that's a very uncomfortable situation sometimes!
 
TheWalkingDead said:
I feel that way about the empty seat on the bus sometimes, but I think it's something more random going on. I always sit on the higher seats over the wheels near the back (well on double decker buses here anyway), I think sometimes people go for the first available seat, or wade their way to the back then give up and go for the first available. By the time you have to go upstairs you have to just hope you find a clean seat that isn't covered in some kind of foodstuff or worse...

I have experienced being on an empty bus and people coming sitting next to me - that's a very uncomfortable situation sometimes!
Click to expand...

I did notice it when I used buses. I travel more on trains now and I haven't noticed it. Maybe because the trains are less packed.

Getting back to the school dance in 1980. I was always a cute kid and at the time I couldn't understand why any of the girls didn't pick me. I didn't dwell on it and it definitely didn't put me off looking for a girlfriend (and failing)
 
BeyondShy said:
Mr. M said:
Why so shy, friend? :)
Click to expand...

What kind of question is that? I wish I could answer it easily.
Click to expand...

Could be because of low self esteem, or because of a fear of exposing yourself or showing weakness, or because of a childhood scar or niche or because of other varying cases.
 
Mr. M said:
BeyondShy said:
Mr. M said:
Why so shy, friend? :)
Click to expand...

What kind of question is that? I wish I could answer it easily.
Click to expand...

Could be because of low self esteem, or because of a fear of exposing yourself or showing weakness, or because of a childhood scar or niche or because of other varying cases.
Click to expand...

All of the above and I'll leave it at that.
 
I never got picked for anything back in elementary and middle school. Even in early High School. Never got asked to a dance or anything like that. In fact, I didn't even know there WERE dances. (That's okay, because I thought they were dumb.) Never really had any real friends. Never really did much of anything at all. It's just something that happens. It's the past.

This sort of thing only becomes a problem when you allow it to define you. You carry it around. You let it bring your esteem down. You let it drag you down so its not just the memory that stays with you but the actual events - you see them everywhere because you're both looking for them and possibly even causing them with your negativity and low self esteem.

There are some principles that people should be taught in school, and they try to teach this to kids but are rather horrible at it. When they say something like "You can be whatever you want to be", what they really mean is: Everyone has a dream, but to live that dream and become the person you want to be you must not let anything stop you, even for a moment.

The answers to so many of life's questions are so very easy, people just don't realize it:
- Want friends? Go up to people and just start chatting with them. What difference does it make if they reject you? They're just one person in billions. Don't let it bother you and move on to the next.
- Want a significant other? Just get friends and it'll come naturally. Don't be afraid to let people know how you feel. Lose a friend in the process? Oh well, there's plenty more out there.
- Want to be happy? Then be happy - you don't need other people to be happy.
Other people can't make you happy, they can only teach you to be happy in different ways. You must be the one to make yourself happy, and you can only do that by realizing and accepting yourself. By being happy with who you are, which includes all the decisions you've made until now, because they are also a part of you.
- Want to 'be someone' or 'do something'? Go outside your comfort zone! It's so easy to become someone, to do things, to have a 'real life' and to start fulfilling your dreams. You just need to try. You need to act. You need to participate.
You can't expect miracles to fall into your lap. Friends, happiness, and dreams do not just magically fall into your lap out of thin air. If this is what anyone here is expecting then of course they're going to be disappointed.

There's some old cliche advice, but it's good advice and it's cliche because it's true:
You have to put yourself out there. You have to get used to getting hurt. Most importantly: You just have to be yourself.

So many here seem to be looking for something that they can easily get themselves, they just don't know how.
My point is, we can't let these things from our past negatively affect who we are today and who we will be in the future. We are whoever we want to be now, and we can be whoever we want to be in the future. We are only limited by the limits we impose on ourselves. In life we may face many obstacles, many of us facing more than others, but these cannot stop us unless we allow them to.
 
Despicable Me said:
I never got picked for anything back in elementary and middle school. Even in early High School. Never got asked to a dance or anything like that. In fact, I didn't even know there WERE dances. (That's okay, because I thought they were dumb.) Never really had any real friends. Never really did much of anything at all. It's just something that happens. It's the past.

This sort of thing only becomes a problem when you allow it to define you. You carry it around. You let it bring your esteem down. You let it drag you down so its not just the memory that stays with you but the actual events - you see them everywhere because you're both looking for them and possibly even causing them with your negativity and low self esteem.

There are some principles that people should be taught in school, and they try to teach this to kids but are rather horrible at it. When they say something like "You can be whatever you want to be", what they really mean is: Everyone has a dream, but to live that dream and become the person you want to be you must not let anything stop you, even for a moment.

The answers to so many of life's questions are so very easy, people just don't realize it:
- Want friends? Go up to people and just start chatting with them. What difference does it make if they reject you? They're just one person in billions. Don't let it bother you and move on to the next.
- Want a significant other? Just get friends and it'll come naturally. Don't be afraid to let people know how you feel. Lose a friend in the process? Oh well, there's plenty more out there.
- Want to be happy? Then be happy - you don't need other people to be happy.
Other people can't make you happy, they can only teach you to be happy in different ways. You must be the one to make yourself happy, and you can only do that by realizing and accepting yourself. By being happy with who you are, which includes all the decisions you've made until now, because they are also a part of you.
- Want to 'be someone' or 'do something'? Go outside your comfort zone! It's so easy to become someone, to do things, to have a 'real life' and to start fulfilling your dreams. You just need to try. You need to act. You need to participate.
You can't expect miracles to fall into your lap. Friends, happiness, and dreams do not just magically fall into your lap out of thin air. If this is what anyone here is expecting then of course they're going to be disappointed.

There's some old cliche advice, but it's good advice and it's cliche because it's true:
You have to put yourself out there. You have to get used to getting hurt. Most importantly: You just have to be yourself.

So many here seem to be looking for something that they can easily get themselves, they just don't know how.
My point is, we can't let these things from our past negatively affect who we are today and who we will be in the future. We are whoever we want to be now, and we can be whoever we want to be in the future. We are only limited by the limits we impose on ourselves. In life we may face many obstacles, many of us facing more than others, but these cannot stop us unless we allow them to.
Click to expand...

You make some decent points.
 

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