I feel guilty!

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Peaches

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 3, 2010
Messages
4,928
Reaction score
15
Location
Europe
when I met this girl she seemed ok, we didn't have a lot in common but she was funny, and I just had this little shiver when at the end of the evening she mentioned that "we will meet A LOT".
Then she was calling almost every day, I thought maybe it's the cultural gap, where I was living before you would have to take an appointment 2 weeks in advance to meet your own mother, and I also found a bit too much that she would think that meeting twice a week wasn't enough (I wasn't meeting my best friend in high school more than twice a week!).
Then I was feeling guilty because I was feeling a bit bored as she called me to talk about a) how she has no job (but doesn't want to look for one b) imaginary illnesses c) how men are honeysuckle and women are worse (I am supposed to be a woman, thank you very much), d) life is honeysuckle, especially hers e) holidays suck, the city sucks, the country sucks, you get my drift.

And also that time that I had to stay until 3 am because she came with a guy who usually dumps her five minutes after arriving in a venue to pick up girls, and she knows that but she goes anyway, and she got drunk and cried and was going to spend the night on a sofa in this venue if I hadn't found her a lift (she is 41 by the way), and I felt guilty because she apologized so much, and I thought : I will just hang out with her from time to time, she always complains that she is so alone, I feel bad just dumping her.

The problem is that each time she writes: "let's go out" but then she changes her mind, well, she doesn't really changes her mind but she wants to be "convinced", and in the end she always wanted to go, and I don't have time for that and she gets disappointed because I just say: ok, let me know what you want to do.

And changing plans like that for me is terrible, because I can go out only thanks to a lot of organization as I don't have much energy, and now it's three, four times that she cancels on the last minute (to then call again in half hour to "re-install" the appointment, and get annoyed because I am in my pajamas or made other plans).
And she keeps calling every single day, three times a day, now I just don't answer - is there anyway in the world that I can turn down this person, gently or otherwise? I feel bad because she is so lonely, although I think there is a reason for that, and there is that nagging voice in my head repeating "no wonder you are lonely, you are never content with anyone!"
 
Yes sometimes the reason people are lonely is an ugly one.

Also when people are desperate, it takes away your ability to choose whether to like them or not.
 
Well I must say you have an interesting friend. She sounds like a bit of a pest by calling you multiple times a day and flakey for always cancelling on you at the last minute. I've developed a very low tolerance for flakes. If someone continually cancels for no good reason, they are not my friend anymore.

I just noticed you never refer to this person even once in your post as your friend. I think your post and your opinion of her speaks for itself.

-Teresa
 
^ well, I met her like 6 weeks ago, it takes me a while to call somebody "friend", call me old fashioned ;) still, I feel guilty, as she seems to want to be my friend
 
Yeah, Peaches, I think that might be an American thing, to call someone you've known for 6 weeks a "friend". :)
I would be worried about someone who keeps calling repeatedly though. Maybe set up some boundaries (that's probably another American thing and I confess I'm not that great at it :D ) if you are still interested in hanging out with her. Sorry for the culturally narrow suggestions :D

-Teresa
 
eheh, even in Europe, some people call you "friend" after half an hour of conversation - I guess I am stuck up (or cautious) - my "friends" are precious jewels that I must take the time to cherish, so it can't be just anyone

On the other hand, I think "pest" is the correct term - today five phone calls (unanswered) and 6 messages (edit: plus 4 Facebook invites to events) to tell me that she didn't want to go somewhere then that she did want, but finally she didn't, all while asking me if I was going and that "she would make a sacrifice" and come (without me asking her to come).
I feel trapped…
 
You could say you have some stuff to take care of, so it's best to choose one day and time in advance. Maybe that would make it easier to schedule? And if you make a date for the weekend, maybe she won't be calling so much during the week? Just a thought. I think it might be hard though, with how much she changes her mind.

I don't think I could handle her but good luck. =)
 
I think I am probably guilty of calling someone friend when I have only known them a short while,it doesn't mean I am going to be their friend forever and that we have become really close. There are just different levels of friendship and sometimes it gets used far more than it should. I used to be in a relationship with someone who used to say "are you ok my friend?" to a stranger if they saw them in some kind of trouble or distress,I used to think that was quite odd until he told me he used it to try to put someone more at ease.

I think the contact is too much and would probably put me off of them,it seems to be she is coming across as very needy and clingy and when you both make plans to meet up she needs to be as you say convinced,it seems to me that this friendship is a little too one sided and I would cut my losses and leave.
 
today 4 sms (edit: 6), 3 Facebook messages and 5 Facebook invites.. sigh
how do I leave? Do I just stop replying? This feels like high school all over again.

Serephina, you are totally right, there are different levels of "friends", and actually it's nice when someone calls you like that, right?
 
She sounds very, very troubled and in need of far more help than you, or any one person, can give her.
Is it possible that she is suffering from a mental illness? The reason I ask is that I used to have a friend with schizophrenia and she was similar in some ways:
1. the constant phone calls (I admit to unplugging the phone from its socket most days after she had called once, so that I wouldn't have to take more calls that day from her),
2. Making arrangements to meet and then constantly pulling out and,
3. Leaving me feeling guilty because of sometimes getting bored listening to her day after day.

Maybe you could suggest to this lady that she sees a doctor to help her with her problems as she needs far more help than you can give, and then back away from her. Don't respond to messages or invitations and hopefully she will eventually leave you in peace.
 
ahah, last update: I didn't answer the 6 sms etc and now she sends me a Facebook message asking if I am angry at her, and what did she do…
this is awkward
 
Peaches said:
ahah, last update: I didn't answer the 6 sms etc and now she sends me a Facebook message asking if I am angry at her, and what did she do…
this is awkward

Tell her you are an introvert and need some space.
 
HoodedMonk said:
Peaches said:
ahah, last update: I didn't answer the 6 sms etc and now she sends me a Facebook message asking if I am angry at her, and what did she do…
this is awkward

Tell her you are an introvert and need some space.

uh, that's good! just wrote that
 
^ didn't bite, she wrote that I don't seem introverted and tried to set more "meetings" (phone call number 5) - next step: making her think I am having a love affair with someone and very busy
 
Peaches said:
^ didn't bite, she wrote that I don't seem introverted and tried to set more "meetings" (phone call number 5) - next step: making her think I am having a love affair with someone and very busy

she will just say that you should make time for her. do you see her in youe everyday life or can you avoid her?
 
I agree this woman might have some kind of illness and may need help but I think with some people if you say that to them they are likely to become quite hostile especially if she hasn't known you that long and you don't know how she will react.
Either way it doesn't seem healthy friendship at all,you have subtly asked for some space and she hasn't respected that. If she is someone that you do like and do want in your life maybe try and speak to her again about the amount that she is contacting you,although from the sounds of the post it isn't so I agree with HoodedMonk try the avoidance tactic.
 
she must be suffering because she keeps writing messages even after that conversation, maybe that's the last thing keeping her head out of the water, I am trying to manage the irritation she brings me and lend her a ear sometimes.

I don't think we have much in common, but she introduced me to her friends (she does have friends apparently, although she mentioned several times that no one answers her messages, now I know why), she doesn't seem a bad person, I feel bad just dumping her, and I suspect that in her universe this is what I am doing anyway, taking some distance equals dumping.

It doesn't help that I am quite depressed and lonely myself… I should be the one calling others all the time, but I just can't deal with the rejection.
 
I would suspect her to have a borderline personality disorder ( http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/ ) and which can manifest itself in various degrees in various people. With some borderliners there's not much going on but with severe cases they indeed behave like a pest one wants to rid theirselve's of very soon after getting acquainted.
 
McDamned said:
I would suspect her to have a borderline personality disorder ( http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/ ) and which can manifest itself in various degrees in various people. With some borderliners there's not much going on but with severe cases they indeed behave like a pest one wants to rid theirselve's of very soon after getting acquainted.

You have experience in people that have this disorder I assume?

Can you describe to me a case that is mild vs. one that is severe?
 
HoodedMonk said:
You have experience in people that have this disorder I assume?

Can you describe to me a case that is mild vs. one that is severe?
I have some experience with people suffering from the disorder though I'm best qualified as an 'observant' and reader of psychology papers because of the experience. The definition 'borderline' is quite variable and I dont feel qualified to mention cases so instead I'll refer to a professional's website mentioning various symptoms while ranging from light to severe: http://counselorssoapbox.com/2012/08/09/levels-or-types-of-borderline-personality-disorder/
 

Latest posts

Back
Top