Did I do wrong not responding to a girls' interest?

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aspalas

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Just a short piece of background info. I've never had a serious relationship, I'm 21 now. I've kissed girls and I've had sex, but never love (and to be honest, intimacy without love isn't that good at all). Also I've been suffering from social anxiety for the past half year or so, I've improved a great deal since it started in November, but yeah, it's still there and is still taking it's toll.

So... Here's the story. One of my best friends has this girl living in his dorm for a month or 2. Whenever I visit him I feel some kind of chemistry between me and the girl... I can't say I actually like her, but I am/was definitely interested in getting to know her. Last night we went out, and she came along. She showed major interest, but I just couldn't "respond". I just didn't have the guts. This is what always happens. When I was 17 I fell in love with a girl, and looking back, she gave pretty obvious signs at some point that she was interested too. I just couldn't respond to it, I just have no confidence when it comes to actual love. My confidence (because of the social anxiety) is pretty low now anyway and has never been good (I used to be pretty good at pretending I was confident though), but thinking of it, I've never had confidence when it comes to love.

Maybe it's because when I was about 12, I think I actually liked a girl for the first time, asked her to be my girlfriend at some point, she said yes but broke up the next day. It might seem insignificant, but I still think about it every day. Same goes for the girl I fell in love with (for years, not anymore though).

So anyway, the girl who lives in the same dorm as my friend... I just couldn't show mutual interest or undertake action. She ended up going home (or wherever, she left and I'm not sure where to) with some other guy. Although I think this is not really classy (call me old-fashioned, but I'm just not into that kind of stuff, hooking up with a random person, I must be one of the few guys who thinks so) and kind of made me not care about it anymore, I feel so stupid about ruining all my chances and destorying my self-esteem doing so. I wish I was able to embrace love and not run away from it... It's the thing I want most and the thing I'm most scared of. I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone (in terms of both looks aswell as personality).

Just had to say this, any tips or comments are welcome. I'm seeing a psychologist for the social anxiety, and I've never really told this to her. I'm a bit sceptical about this psychologist (although she helped me quite a lot), I'm thinking about contacting a specialized psychologist for these kind of issues and open up about this too (which will probably be really hard, I've never talked to someone about this in real life).

I guess some of you must have experienced similair things, I'd like to hear some input from you. Thanks for reading!
 
Sometimes it's tough to get your confidence up to tell a girl that you're interested and that sounds like what happened here. What kind of response do you think you should have shown her? What do you feel you should have done?

You definitely should look into a different psychologist if you're having second thoughts about the one you're currently seeing. Sometimes all it takes is to find that different point of view.
 
wolvesjr said:
You definitely should look into a different psychologist if you're having second thoughts about the one you're currently seeing. Sometimes all it takes is to find that different point of view.

I agree, I've had some I liked, and didn't like. It's like with any other doctor, you can shop around for second opinions.

As for the misconnection, you do have to do what is comfortable for you. There were several times in my life where my friends were like "he's checking you out" and I did nothing. You do sit there and think about the what ifs, and that does suck. You might have to wait for when you are ready to have romance in your life, that's what I had to do.
 
I guess so. Yeah I'll look into a different psychologist, and yeah I don't feel "ready" yet to have something romantic going on. It sucks but I'll just have to improve until I am.

I know that what ifs, the "she's checking you out" thing happened loads of times and I always hate it that I can't just do something about it usually... Thanks for the replies anyway :).
 
aspalas said:
Just a short piece of background info. I've never had a serious relationship, I'm 21 now. I've kissed girls and I've had sex, but never love (and to be honest, intimacy without love isn't that good at all). Also I've been suffering from social anxiety for the past half year or so, I've improved a great deal since it started in November, but yeah, it's still there and is still taking it's toll.

So... Here's the story. One of my best friends has this girl living in his dorm for a month or 2. Whenever I visit him I feel some kind of chemistry between me and the girl... I can't say I actually like her, but I am/was definitely interested in getting to know her. Last night we went out, and she came along. She showed major interest, but I just couldn't "respond". I just didn't have the guts. This is what always happens. When I was 17 I fell in love with a girl, and looking back, she gave pretty obvious signs at some point that she was interested too. I just couldn't respond to it, I just have no confidence when it comes to actual love. My confidence (because of the social anxiety) is pretty low now anyway and has never been good (I used to be pretty good at pretending I was confident though), but thinking of it, I've never had confidence when it comes to love.

Maybe it's because when I was about 12, I think I actually liked a girl for the first time, asked her to be my girlfriend at some point, she said yes but broke up the next day. It might seem insignificant, but I still think about it every day. Same goes for the girl I fell in love with (for years, not anymore though).

So anyway, the girl who lives in the same dorm as my friend... I just couldn't show mutual interest or undertake action. She ended up going home (or wherever, she left and I'm not sure where to) with some other guy. Although I think this is not really classy (call me old-fashioned, but I'm just not into that kind of stuff, hooking up with a random person, I must be one of the few guys who thinks so) and kind of made me not care about it anymore, I feel so stupid about ruining all my chances and destorying my self-esteem doing so. I wish I was able to embrace love and not run away from it... It's the thing I want most and the thing I'm most scared of. I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone (in terms of both looks aswell as personality).

Just had to say this, any tips or comments are welcome. I'm seeing a psychologist for the social anxiety, and I've never really told this to her. I'm a bit sceptical about this psychologist (although she helped me quite a lot), I'm thinking about contacting a specialized psychologist for these kind of issues and open up about this too (which will probably be really hard, I've never talked to someone about this in real life).

I guess some of you must have experienced similair things, I'd like to hear some input from you. Thanks for reading!

Can say that I've definitely been there. A girl that showed interest or affection but I couldn't really respond well to it or in the right way. It usually starts as a simple conversation but then I just run out of things to say and we go our seperate ways. I always get struck with this feeling that might come close to jealousy towards other people being able to do this kinds of things but I can't. I like to call myself a 10 minute socializer :) After the 10 minutes of conversation the awkward silence sets in and it ends in the typical "well-i'm-gonna-check-with-my-friends' kind of closer.
 
You ever get that feeling when you're about to get on a roller coaster but you're so ******* afraid and your heart beats so quickly and your brain goes through all the ten million, no, infinite, possibilities of what could go wrong? Then you either walk away never knowing, or you get on the roller coaster and it's a blast and even if it's over after just a short little while you have this special memory of doing something that made your heart race a million miles a minute? And then there's another roller coaster, and the same decision comes along. And depending on who you are it may or may not get easier every time, but you have those memories.
 

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