aspalas
Well-known member
Just a short piece of background info. I've never had a serious relationship, I'm 21 now. I've kissed girls and I've had sex, but never love (and to be honest, intimacy without love isn't that good at all). Also I've been suffering from social anxiety for the past half year or so, I've improved a great deal since it started in November, but yeah, it's still there and is still taking it's toll.
So... Here's the story. One of my best friends has this girl living in his dorm for a month or 2. Whenever I visit him I feel some kind of chemistry between me and the girl... I can't say I actually like her, but I am/was definitely interested in getting to know her. Last night we went out, and she came along. She showed major interest, but I just couldn't "respond". I just didn't have the guts. This is what always happens. When I was 17 I fell in love with a girl, and looking back, she gave pretty obvious signs at some point that she was interested too. I just couldn't respond to it, I just have no confidence when it comes to actual love. My confidence (because of the social anxiety) is pretty low now anyway and has never been good (I used to be pretty good at pretending I was confident though), but thinking of it, I've never had confidence when it comes to love.
Maybe it's because when I was about 12, I think I actually liked a girl for the first time, asked her to be my girlfriend at some point, she said yes but broke up the next day. It might seem insignificant, but I still think about it every day. Same goes for the girl I fell in love with (for years, not anymore though).
So anyway, the girl who lives in the same dorm as my friend... I just couldn't show mutual interest or undertake action. She ended up going home (or wherever, she left and I'm not sure where to) with some other guy. Although I think this is not really classy (call me old-fashioned, but I'm just not into that kind of stuff, hooking up with a random person, I must be one of the few guys who thinks so) and kind of made me not care about it anymore, I feel so stupid about ruining all my chances and destorying my self-esteem doing so. I wish I was able to embrace love and not run away from it... It's the thing I want most and the thing I'm most scared of. I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone (in terms of both looks aswell as personality).
Just had to say this, any tips or comments are welcome. I'm seeing a psychologist for the social anxiety, and I've never really told this to her. I'm a bit sceptical about this psychologist (although she helped me quite a lot), I'm thinking about contacting a specialized psychologist for these kind of issues and open up about this too (which will probably be really hard, I've never talked to someone about this in real life).
I guess some of you must have experienced similair things, I'd like to hear some input from you. Thanks for reading!
So... Here's the story. One of my best friends has this girl living in his dorm for a month or 2. Whenever I visit him I feel some kind of chemistry between me and the girl... I can't say I actually like her, but I am/was definitely interested in getting to know her. Last night we went out, and she came along. She showed major interest, but I just couldn't "respond". I just didn't have the guts. This is what always happens. When I was 17 I fell in love with a girl, and looking back, she gave pretty obvious signs at some point that she was interested too. I just couldn't respond to it, I just have no confidence when it comes to actual love. My confidence (because of the social anxiety) is pretty low now anyway and has never been good (I used to be pretty good at pretending I was confident though), but thinking of it, I've never had confidence when it comes to love.
Maybe it's because when I was about 12, I think I actually liked a girl for the first time, asked her to be my girlfriend at some point, she said yes but broke up the next day. It might seem insignificant, but I still think about it every day. Same goes for the girl I fell in love with (for years, not anymore though).
So anyway, the girl who lives in the same dorm as my friend... I just couldn't show mutual interest or undertake action. She ended up going home (or wherever, she left and I'm not sure where to) with some other guy. Although I think this is not really classy (call me old-fashioned, but I'm just not into that kind of stuff, hooking up with a random person, I must be one of the few guys who thinks so) and kind of made me not care about it anymore, I feel so stupid about ruining all my chances and destorying my self-esteem doing so. I wish I was able to embrace love and not run away from it... It's the thing I want most and the thing I'm most scared of. I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone (in terms of both looks aswell as personality).
Just had to say this, any tips or comments are welcome. I'm seeing a psychologist for the social anxiety, and I've never really told this to her. I'm a bit sceptical about this psychologist (although she helped me quite a lot), I'm thinking about contacting a specialized psychologist for these kind of issues and open up about this too (which will probably be really hard, I've never talked to someone about this in real life).
I guess some of you must have experienced similair things, I'd like to hear some input from you. Thanks for reading!