wow! I woke up today feeling down and hurt. The kind of hurt where you almost need to throw up. That was until I read all of your posts! Thank you everyone! I never expected to feel so good by just reading a few responses.
This is my story,
6 years ago I became very depressed. I lost a lot of weight and slept pretty much all the time. I didn't have any motivation to do anything. I never really got out of bed. Eventually i was forced to go back to school. Once I actually started going back; I met new people and started talking to old friends. It took some time, but I felt like my depression dissipated without me even knowing.
Presently I’m suffering from the same symptoms, but they can be more chaotic. Some days I can’t get out of bed and other days I can’t fall asleep for the life of me. I find myself having a new epiphany ever other day. Each one giving me a new outlook on life. Though it never lasts long. When darkness falls I just end up curling up in my bed and trying not to think of every reason why I destroyed my own life.
Up until 3 months ago my life was great... well, in retrospect.
I was in love with a beautiful girl and she was in love with me. I had never met a girl like her. We shared so many romantic moments together. I would go out of my way to surprise her with something lovely and she would do the same. Our personalities just worked with each other. She became the closes friend I had ever had. When it came to sex, I was experience more sexually, but we were still able to share so many new experiences together. All that came to an end after 3 years...
During our relationship I was also going to school finishing up my transfer studies and I had no financial burdens. I felt like my world had a plan and I was moving in the right direction, though like a poorly constructed house, everything started to fall apart. My car broke down and I had let some of the wrong people borrow too much money. I didn’t have enough money for my next semester of school, so I took the semester off to get a job and get things back on track. I started cheating on my girlfriend with my ex girlfriends because I started feeling insecure sexually. I know that is a poor excuse, but it’s the truth. It took me a while to understand and figure it out, but I know now that was the reason. I was use to a girl being expressive when we would make love, but my girlfriend had a problem showing a lot of her emotions during the times we got intimate. Over time it made me feel like I was doing something wrong or I wasn't good enough. She had told me I had nothing to worry about and that I was everything she ever wanted, but she was a shy person at times. I had a hard time believing her never the less. I eventually broke up with her because I couldn't stand the guilt. I told her everything that had happened.
After some heartache and brutal times she said she forgave me and wanted to be with me. After that, I never cheated on her again, but it was always on her mind. She hadn't really forgave me no matter what she said. I never won her trust back and honestly I never tried. That was another one of my big mistakes. I didn't put the effort in the relationship like I should have. I guess I felt like everything would get back to normal eventually. Of course things didn't... Our fights progressively became worse. She would accuse me of cheating and I would get mad and ignore her until I would snap and start yelling to the point I was out of breath. I eventually broke up with her again after one of the worst fights we ever had... I guess at the time I thought breaking up with her would make her want to stop accusing me of cheating so much. I never broke up with her because I didn't love her, in fact it was the opposite... I did it because I loved her and I thought it would be for the better in the long run. Now that I think about it, I did it because it was the only thing I knew how to do in a situation like that. I reacted the same way my parents would have. My parents have a really messed up marriage, so mimicking their reactions wasn't the best of ideas.
A few days later I went to her house looking to work things out, but she wanted nothing to do with me. She told me she loved me, but couldn't be with me. I told her, "that didn't make sense" but deep inside I understood her completely. That made me relies how precious she was to me. I realized I wasn’t putting any effort into really fixing anything during the time we were going out. Like many regrets... I realized to late, but my heart was telling me not to give up. I spent the next three months dedicating my life to her and trying to work things out no matter how depressed and lonely I felt. There were times I really thought we were going to get back together, but it never happened. She would always start a fight with me over something trivial. It felt like she was trying to find reasons to hate me. Maybe it just felt easier to hate than to love. About week ago I saw her with another guy... I didn't know a broken heart could be broken again... I was at a concert and I went up to her to say hi, but she completely blew me off and said "What are you doing, don’t come up to me, there is no hope here for you". He put his arm around her... I lost my cool and started a fight with him. A couple of my friends pulled me out of that situation and calmed me down. I haven’t talked to her since... She calls still, but I can never answer... I don’t know what to say. I feel embarrassed and immature. I also feel angry and sad. She left a message the night of the incident explaining it was just a friend and wanted to know if I was alright. She also said one of her new friends had told her something that wasn't true about me and she barley found out she was lying the whole time. To be honest I knew he was just a friend, but I just reacted badly. I feel stupid and bitter. I feel like all the effort I put into it was in vain. Yesterday she called again and I finally decided to answer... but it was silence and she hung up.
A lot of my friends have left to the military and the ones left I have a really hard time talking to. I talk to my sister a lot now... but I still feel alone and lost. I'm going back to school, but I feel like it’s pointless... I feel like it has nothing to offer me. I write stories and music, but I can’t even do that anymore... The only thing on my mind is her, but it’s all mixed up and I can’t get my head straight. I have rent due, and I was just let go from my job... I wasn’t happy working there anyways. If anything good has come from all this. It has to my own realization of who I was. In a way I’m thankful that. I had the opportunity to look at all my faults and now I truly feel like a better… me.
