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Is it society that makes older men loners?
#1
Around where I live, go to any bar or pub on any given night and you see men in their 40's to 60's, sitting alone at the bar, nursing a beer....

These men used to be someone's father, someone's husband. The marriage ended, the kids grew up, and society threw these men out on the curb.

I know because I have become one of these men.

My bio is posted elsewhere on this site. http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=30209 for anyone who cares to read it.

Overcoming obstacles and adversity I wouldn't wish on anyone, I made it into the family zone, something I did not have growing up.

I was a good dad, a good husband, the envy of our peers due to the happy lifestyle I provided my ex wife and my two boys.

Yet today, almost 57, no friends, no family, pretty much all alone.

Since I wrote the bio, I became the bigger man, sought treatment for PTSD, reconciled with a nerdy girl I had been dating, and became engaged. We await her divorce..........and wait......and wait....

We live over an hour apart, text throughout the day, video chat at night, spend weekends together.

But 5 nights a week, I still eat dinner alone, sleep alone, watch TV alone.

The friends I had have forgotten me, and when I do make contact, there is that nervous brush off. I can take a hint. It's over.

So, to alleviate the loneliness, I go for a walk at night, and sometimes, end up at the local pub, having a beer, with all these other men who used to be daddies and husbands, and like me, have been thrown out of mainstream society.

We are the unwanted, rejected, discarded. We tried our best, given our own values and programming and childhood incidents we were not allowed to bring out into the open.

Time spent with princess mentality self entitled vindictive partners and their equally bitter friends who labelled and accused us, making us afraid to confront, lies that turned our children against us, made it easier to slither away into the darkness of isolation and loneliness, sitting at a bar at night, quietly drinking our beer, remembering birthdays and Christmas mornings and turkey dinners from years past.

Remembering, remembering the love we felt, the joy of holding our wives in our arms, walking through a park holding our childrens hands, teaching them how to ride a bike or fish or make a peanut butter sandwich for the first time.

Ghostly memories fading into oblivion.

I look at the blank faces of my peers at the bar and think, how many of us had any idea that when we were 8 or 12 or 16, playing with the other kids at the park or street or family function, that one day we would become loners sitting at a bar nursing a drink wondering where it all went wrong.

I blame no one. None of us started out with this in mind. Society and attitudes and expectations and other peoples mean behaviour gradually pushed me, as well as some of my silent beer drinking peers into where we are today.

"Join a club, a gym, volunteer your time, take classes" people say. Sure. Sounds like fun!!! Smile

But it doesn't make my bed warmer at night, or sit across from me at dinner each night.

I did not ever ever ever think I would end up this way....
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#2
Dont know what to say to you other than that the worst places for you to be right now must be those bars. There are so many other things you could do instead, other places to be at, amongst which the things you named yourself i.e. volunteering/classes/gym etc.

I'm 45 currently and I also had much to overcome, from being raised by an alcoholic childmolesting mother to being uneducated because of it, growing up with the minimum amount of friends, and going through some very depressing first years of adulthood. But while I still havent got to 'gather' much friends I'm totally relaxed with it now, the few things I have going for me are things I value greatly, from my relative health to the minimum of social contacts to the walks in the park and anything keeping me alive and as well as it does. Have to say exercise helps me a lot, makes me feel satisfied and conscious about myself and works as an anti-depressant generally.

Life doesnt have to be this depressing, you can choose another path if you want. Perhaps the main thing to consider is the quality of the time spent; do you really want to be this dependant of the external world and live in further agony because it doesnt meet your current expectation(s) or are you willing to give up on it all together and just start enjoying everything you actually do have, ranging from the taste of the food you eat to the cup of coffee you drink while going through the news(paper) or while sitting on a bench in the park near your house etc. In effect it leaves us with the simple choice to either enjoy the happiness from all the little things we actually do have versus getting old(er) being negative about ourselves (and our lives) because of the things we dont have and poisoning ourselves with the frustration such a mindset accumulates.
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#3
I read your post and your bio and I couldn't believe it. You've been through so much, now I feel a bit guilty about coming here and complaining about my life. You are my father's age so it makes me sad to know that a father is out there alone. I've had issues with my father, however I would never leave him alone. Parents are humans after all. My father has made a lot of mistakes with me and with my mother. He is the type of man that never accepts that he is wrong and sometimes hurts us because of this attitude of his. Being Latin American, he is also misogynist. However, he is still my father and he has feelings. It is so sad how some "young people" like me become insensitive with this matter. We don't realise that someday we might end up alone too. Very few people actually forgive and love since it is so easy to judge. While you wait for your fiancée, just try to hang in there. I can't give much advise because I am new here and I am really f*cked up Sad . However I do wish you the best.
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#4
Agree with the person above. Your post is one sad post. Loners come in all ages.
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#5
Honestly, I think it's a society that makes also older women loners, and younger men, younger women, it's a bloody f&%$d up society. But I agree that for older men it's worse...
There should be clubs just for them, not just pubs for drinking, but places to smoke pipes and discuss the newspaper together, engage in chess and strategy games, plan fishing trips and other manly activities (maybe I read too much Sherlock Holmes). Not being an older man I am not sure if I would like it, probably yes.
But yeah, with regards of lack of places to socialise and share, I suspect we are all in the same boat. Sad times we live in...
“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”


“I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine - I'm here."
"Is there something wrong with that?"
"Absolutely.”

<a href=
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-D2d4joqp8cA/Tq...29alt2.png </a>
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#6
(05-11-2015, 01:07 PM)Peaches Wrote: Honestly, I think it's a society that makes also older women loners, and younger men, younger women, it's a bloody f&%$d up society. But I agree that for older men it's worse...
There should be clubs just for them, not just pubs for drinking, but places to smoke pipes and discuss the newspaper together, engage in chess and strategy games, plan fishing trips and other manly activities (maybe I read too much Sherlock Holmes). Not being an older man I am not sure if I would like it, probably yes.
But yeah, with regards of lack of places to socialise and share, I suspect we are all in the same boat. Sad times we live in...

Those kinds of clubs used to exist. They are slowly dying out now. Sexism and feminism and all.
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#7
Be a sugar daddy and get a nice young lady to give you attention.
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#8
What if it's just guys wanting to sit in a pub, drinking a beer? Not being sarcastic about it, and I'm sure some of these fellows are lonely. But an older guy can't go have a drink without someone labeling him for it?
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#9
(05-13-2015, 09:16 AM)Stonely Wrote: Be a sugar daddy and get a nice young lady to give you attention.

How about doing the same thing, without giving away money? It's possible.
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#10
I'm...probably on the fast track to the same place. I have not yet posted all of the drama, but it's not terribly relevant for my commentary here.

Why assume that it has ever been different? Why assume that it's society today that's making it happen?

Best that I can tell by history, women largely stayed with men because they didn't have very many options. I certainly don't advocate returning to the days where women were barred from earning an honest wage.

I think that the big problem is that we are/were raised to believe that "family + working hard to support them = success in life"...and woe betide those of us crazy enough to believe that, because once the kids are raised and you are forced to confront the mess that you've been ignoring for 20 years what you're left with are love handles, a shining pate, erectile dysfunction, and a family that doesn't want to talk to you.

Men sit alone in bars because they think that they are "done" living. You're not done until you stop moving.

My old man gave up when he drove his family away. While I'm on the verge of a similar emotional catastrophe, I have every intention of taking ANY outcome as an opportunity to improve myself and truly appreciate life.

Nothing sucks more than being an optimist with habitual patterns of depression :p (that's not accurate, of course, there are a LOT of things that suck more)
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