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Revengineer

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Yes this is an online dating thread. You have been warned.

So I made a profile on OKCupid a while ago just to try it out. I'd sent out a bunch of greetings and until yesterday had nothing to show for it (curse you, male/female ratio!). Then last night out of the blue, someone actually responded! A super intelligent engineering student and really attractive to boot. She had just landed a job in my state and was planning on moving right after graduating. Couldn't believe my luck.

We had a really nice conversation and it seemed like we had a lot in common. I allowed myself to think maybe there could be a chance I'd get to meet her. All of a sudden she stopped responding... I thought, "well, probably something came up" and went to bed. The next day I check back and it turns out she'd deleted her profile. :(

Kind of makes me not want to do this anymore, if this is the sort of thing that happens all the time on sites like these. My expectations of finding a relationship online were low to begin with, but this stung pretty bad regardless. Maybe I should just get a pet.
 
Online dating sites are fail, straight out of Failblog (if you remember that website). I wouldn't waste time on them.

If you want to meet someone online, join an interest group of some sort. There's tons of interest-related websites where there are regulars discussing various issues all the time. It takes months and maybe even years to be accepted as a regular and earn people's trust, and of course you have to behave well during that time and make a good impression, but that's just a matter of being yourself. Once that's done you can perhaps hook up with someone else who shares that interest--which gives you something in common with them to begin with and increases the chance of a good match. The disadvantage is that people you meet on shared-interest websites tend to be scattered all over the world and it can be time-consuming and expensive to meet them in person if things get to that stage.
 
In my case i found a nice girl on omegle, we chat a lot and ended up being a facebook friends. After that, i found it hard to make a conversation with her, we live in a different world after all.
 
Revengineer said:
Yes this is an online dating thread. You have been warned.

So I made a profile on OKCupid a while ago just to try it out. I'd sent out a bunch of greetings and until yesterday had nothing to show for it (curse you, male/female ratio!). Then last night out of the blue, someone actually responded! A super intelligent engineering student and really attractive to boot. She had just landed a job in my state and was planning on moving right after graduating. Couldn't believe my luck.

We had a really nice conversation and it seemed like we had a lot in common. I allowed myself to think maybe there could be a chance I'd get to meet her. All of a sudden she stopped responding... I thought, "well, probably something came up" and went to bed. The next day I check back and it turns out she'd deleted her profile. :(

Kind of makes me not want to do this anymore, if this is the sort of thing that happens all the time on sites like these. My expectations of finding a relationship online were low to begin with, but this stung pretty bad regardless. Maybe I should just get a pet.

From a young lady who used to online date. It probably wasn't you that did it. We get more messages from guys first, than the other way around. And you should see some of the sick stuff guys have sent me. My sister was on the other side of your situation. She was talking to a guy on there, and was kinda building something, then another guy sent her something so crude that it turned her off of online dating and she deleted her profile. If the rude people would stay off there, I think it could work.
 
Nicolelt said:
From a young lady who used to online date. It probably wasn't you that did it. We get more messages from guys first, than the other way around. And you should see some of the sick stuff guys have sent me. My sister was on the other side of your situation. She was talking to a guy on there, and was kinda building something, then another guy sent her something so crude that it turned her off of online dating and she deleted her profile. If the rude people would stay off there, I think it could work.

I can sympathize with your sister because I don't think any girls should receive messages like that and the people that send those kind of messages have no class at all. I really don't know what they are trying to accomplish.

But if I read it correctly she was getting to know someone on there and this guy was being nice to her and because of someone else she deletes her profile and this guy probably feels like he did something wrong.

Believe it or not I tried a site like this too. It was called okcupid and I didn't last a month on there. Nobody responded to me. I sent some very nice and respectful messages to introduce myself. I would read their profile and comment on something from that. That way I let them know I paid attention to them instead of just messaging them because of what they looked like. Not a thing was sent back. Like I said I didn't last a month and I am gone now and I will never return. I took it personal.
 
Seconding alternatives to meeting people. I'm female and it still doesn't work for me. Responses on dating profiles when I have pictures are incredibly rare, and still most of them are bizarre, fizzle out because we share nothing, or are copy-pasted greetings.

Even dumb luck is luckier, and a far happier path.

Knowing how to handle failed connections is important either way, though. If you don't know someone beyond brief chatting (online or off), it's important to manage your expectations of what they're going to be to you or how long they're going to stick around. Maybe you're soulmates... or maybe you're just two people talking.

Maybe they're a bot. Who knows.
 
Tealeaf said:
If you don't know someone beyond brief chatting (online or off), it's important to manage your expectations of what they're going to be to you or how long they're going to stick around.

What do you consider to be the difference between brief chatting and a real conversation?
 
TheSkaFish said:
Tealeaf said:
If you don't know someone beyond brief chatting (online or off), it's important to manage your expectations of what they're going to be to you or how long they're going to stick around.

What do you consider to be the difference between brief chatting and a real conversation?

Brief chatting:
Surface topics
Short-term (< 2-3 weeks)
Inconsistent

Real conversation:
More personal topics
Long-term (> 2-3 weeks)
Consistent

No clear and easy divide.
 
Tealeaf said:
Brief chatting:
Surface topics
Short-term (< 2-3 weeks)
Inconsistent

Real conversation:
More personal topics
Long-term (> 2-3 weeks)
Consistent

No clear and easy divide.

What about the time length of the conversation(s)?

A couple times I think I've broken through the surface, but I haven't been sure.
 
TheSkaFish said:
Tealeaf said:
Brief chatting:
Surface topics
Short-term (< 2-3 weeks)
Inconsistent

Real conversation:
More personal topics
Long-term (> 2-3 weeks)
Consistent

No clear and easy divide.

What about the time length of the conversation(s)?

A couple times I think I've broken through the surface, but I haven't been sure.

I don't personally think that matters, as two evenings aren't enough to get a very good grasp on someone's personality even if you talk the whole time. I suppose it's all relative, though.
 
Tealeaf said:
TheSkaFish said:
Tealeaf said:
Brief chatting:
Surface topics
Short-term (< 2-3 weeks)
Inconsistent

Real conversation:
More personal topics
Long-term (> 2-3 weeks)
Consistent

No clear and easy divide.

What about the time length of the conversation(s)?

A couple times I think I've broken through the surface, but I haven't been sure.

I don't personally think that matters, as two evenings aren't enough to get a very good grasp on someone's personality even if you talk the whole time. I suppose it's all relative, though.

It can certainly be enough to know whether to get the hell out of dodge or not.
 
Tealeaf said:
I don't personally think that matters, as two evenings aren't enough to get a very good grasp on someone's personality even if you talk the whole time. I suppose it's all relative, though.

No, it definitely wasn't two evenings. Thanks for your perspective though.
 
Nicolelt said:
From a young lady who used to online date. It probably wasn't you that did it. We get more messages from guys first, than the other way around. And you should see some of the sick stuff guys have sent me. My sister was on the other side of your situation. She was talking to a guy on there, and was kinda building something, then another guy sent her something so crude that it turned her off of online dating and she deleted her profile. If the rude people would stay off there, I think it could work.
So true. The nasty inconsiderate guys ruin things for the rest of us.

For most men being on a dating site is like trying to find a job in a shitty economy. You send out tons of applications, but if your resume is less than perfect you might as well be invisible. To put it bluntly, there's simply too much competition for too few spots. It's profoundly discouraging and for the "losers" it can make them feel worthless and undesirable.

I imagine that for women, it's more like getting swamped constantly by sleazy telemarketers. Sure technically there's plenty of options, but if 90% of them are so awful that it turns you off from trying to find the good 10%, it's not exactly a pleasant experience either. Admittedly I would still kill for those odds...
 
I still don't get it. How and why do nice guys who just want to try to get to know you get lumped into with these idiots? The way I understand it is a woman is going to get a lot of messages. The sleazy and rude ones should just be deleted and if possible block that user. But why penalize the nice ones? I'm not saying that everyone should have chosen me. If I had saved every message I posted on that dating website and posted them here I would not have been embarrassed at what I wrote and I don't think none of you would have found fault with it. But ****, to be included in that group of people is something I don't like and now I am really glad I am not there anymore.

I'll find someone. Really. Honest to God. I will. Consider this absurd fact:

You've all heard of Charles Manson, right? If not, google him. There's nothing nice about him. He's a murderer and a manipulative cult leader and to this day he still has followers. The SOB is 80 years old and a 26-year-old girl loves him and wants to marry him.

WHAT THE GOD **** HELL AM I DOING WRONG? EVEN CHARLES MANSON HAS SOMEONE WHO LOVES HIM!

I'm sorry, but this drives me nuts.
 
Tealeaf said:
Even dumb luck is luckier, and a far happier path.

I agree with this, lol.

I tried out 8 different dating sites over a couple of years, and it was a crappy experience from all angles. I got messages that were horribly disgusting and crude, and I got messages that insulted my profile and appearance. I only received one decent message ("What are you doing up so late?"), which I responded to. We conversed for the rest of the night, he asked for my email address so we could talk more, and I never heard from him again. That was the "best" experience I had on a dating site. The last message I randomly received before deciding to shut everything down was, "You have beautiful eyebrows... and that's about all. Have a nice life!"

Also I never once received a response from anyone I messaged first, so it doesn't just happen to men.
 
Solivagant said:
Also I never once received a response from anyone I messaged first, so it doesn't just happen to men.

All I know is that if I sent you a message you would not have been upset when you got it. You never would have answered me but you still would not have a reason to be upset.
 
Solivagant said:
The last message I randomly received before deciding to shut everything down was, "You have beautiful eyebrows... and that's about all. Have a nice life!"

Just wanted to say, wow, that's terrible. I don't know why people have to go out of their way to insult others like that, for no reason. It's not like you did something to that guy. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. (hugs)
 

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