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cryingcloud

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I just want to give a thanks in advance to whomever reads this entire story and gives their input, because I truly and sincerely appreciate everyone thoughts and opinions.

If anyone reading now has seen previous post of mine, you already know that I have terrible troubles with building relationships with anyone; friends, boyfriends, co-workers, employers, and sometimes even family. I'm very reserved and my voice is pretty soft. Although, I do enjoy company. I like to go out and I like being social, but I have to work at it. I'm constantly told by my peers that I'm..."awkward".

Anyways, about a year ago, I met a guy that I cliqued with pretty fast. Just up until a few months ago, we were nothing but...(and please don't judge me) friends with benefits. I wanted to be more, but he didn't. A few months ago, he had a change of heart, and we decided to give this relationship a go. Since I have been for this idea since I met him, it wasn't a big shift for me, but it was (and still is) for him. He had always told me he has fears of commitment.

Since we've been dating, I feel like I have been struggling to understand his actions. His comfort level is extremely shallow. I had to persuade him into letting me meet his parents. (He insists that it was his personal problem, and it wasn't about me) Then it took him a while to finally let me come to his house instead of mine all the time. I just wanted it to be equal and frankly, my place isn't the best place. ( a lot of issues) Now I'm having trouble when it comes to involving other people. When we hang out, he has to have it just be us two, and no one else.

He's reluctantly hung out with me and my long term friend a few times, but I have this employee party coming up from my work, and everyone is going to be there with their significant others. He absolutely refuses to go and says he doesn't want to be pressured into doing so.

I backed off because he did give in when it came to bringing me to his house and meeting his parents...but I always had a certain image of what a relationship should be like, and I always thought couples did things like this for and with each other. I really want him to be there with me.

I don't understand why so many things are so complicated and dire to him.

I don't want to pressure him anymore. I feel bad, and kind of hypocritical because people don't always understand me either. I don't want to cross any lines with him. I know for a fact that he will draw the line if I ever hint to him, to introduce me to his friends. I already know not to get into that.

Am I wrong to try and change him? I don't know if age means anything, but he's 23, and I'm 20. Does that matter? Our personalities are a lot a like, except when it comes to being social. I don't want to mess this up and drive him away though.....but I just want a relationship where the both of us can have fun with each other, even when mixed with other people.

What should I do?
 
For now I'm gonna say this. The more you try to change him, the more he's going to go the other direction. People don't like to be forced or persuaded in doing things they don't feel comfortable in doing. He might end up doing these things in the end after much persuasion, but you and him both know that he's not comfortable... which might lead to resentment building within him over time.

I think that when you have an ideal image of how the relationship should be, you're not exactly giving the both of you a chance to build your own relationship. No two persons are the same, and so you can't make your relationship be like how you idealise it to be, simply because of that.

Personally I feel you should accept him the way he is and when he's comfortable with you in knowing that you accept him no matter how he is? He might actually start opening up and do things that you would like to do as well, willingly, on his own. If not, then the best thing to do is to talk it out with him and try to understand where each other is coming from and each other's needs and wants. You should try to understand him, and so should he with how you feel about stuff going on in the relationship.

You said you don't understand why so many things are so complicated and dire to him? Well, start there. Talk to him, if he doesn't wanna open up - again, like I said, make him feel comfortable enough with you by letting him feel comfortable enough around you.

Also, I do hear you in wanting to just have a nice relationship where you can have fun with each other and with other people too. But before you get into this relationship, you knew he wasn't up for this initially and you knew he had issues with commitment. So, I guess you thought you could change his mind? That doesn't usually happen, in my experience and knowledge. You just can't make people change if they don't want to. :\

What should you do?

Well, I think you should take a step back and try to see if you can accept him for how he is. And talk to him.
 
ladyforsaken said:
But before you get into this relationship, you knew he wasn't up for this initially and you knew he had issues with commitment. So, I guess you thought you could change his mind? That doesn't usually happen, in my experience and knowledge. You just can't make people change if they don't want to. :\
She mentioned that he was the one who changed his mind about being in a relationship. So she's not just trying to 'change him'. He seems to want that change, at least some of it anyway.

Anyway, I think it's obvious all of his problems are coming from that fear of commitment.
I think you should probably just sit down and have a talk and be honest with him. Let him know that you understand that he has commitment issues and that you don't want to make him unhappy, but let him know that he's the one who changed his mind about the relationship and that if he really wants that then he should try to continue making advances to conquer those fears. Ask him where they are really coming from and why he is so afraid. Let him know you'll be supportive and that you're not trying to force him to change or make him unhappy.

And if he refuses to change and you're not happy with the way things are, then there's really only one thing to do then, and you already know what that is. There's no point in a relationship that has no direction and doesn't make you happy.

But LadyForsaken is right that you shouldn't try to expect too much or idealize the relationship in a way that isn't realistic. That will only end in heartache.
So I'm sure you already know this, but try to be realistic with your expectations and just not push too hard. Again, like LadyForsaken said, pushing it too hard will only make him go the other way. What you want to do is just try to be supportive. Aim for that attitude and just try to get him to open up more about what he's feeling so that you can understand him better. You can't force him to open up though. But if he's already told you he's got a fear of commitment then that sounds to me like he's already opened up to you. So just explore the relationship further.
 
ladyforsaken said:
Well, I think you should take a step back and try to see if you can accept him for how he is. And talk to him.

I agree with much of what you said, Lady, but I just wanted to focus on this point. And that is accepting someone for who they are. We can't change people. Even the times we do, it's temporary, or they're putting on a facade to placate someone. It's not them truly changing as much as it is trying to appease and satisfy someone. If not accepting him is not something you can see yourself doing, then I really suggest talking about it. If he's a certain way, that's not something that will just change simply because there's a relationship at hand now.
 
^Yeah, you're right on that, Nilla.

Despicable Me said:
ladyforsaken said:
But before you get into this relationship, you knew he wasn't up for this initially and you knew he had issues with commitment. So, I guess you thought you could change his mind? That doesn't usually happen, in my experience and knowledge. You just can't make people change if they don't want to. :\
She mentioned that he was the one who changed his mind about being in a relationship. So she's not just trying to 'change him'. He seems to want that change, at least some of it anyway.

Well, I don't know if I misinterpreted the original post but I gathered she was trying to change him to be how she wants him to be from her post. Perhaps yes, he made his own choice in being involved in a relationship with cryingcloud but after that.... it seems like she isn't happy with the way he is, despite knowing that he's like that and wasn't really into the idea of being in relationship in the first place.

I always believe that the first honest reaction that comes out of people are usually the raw forms of how they think or feel and if one already has the seed of doubt within them, it's always best not to go ahead with whatever that they're thinking of doing until they're really sure about it.

cryingcloud also admitted to it here:
cryingcloud said:
Am I wrong to try and change him?

Anyway, I also agree with what Nilla and Despicable Me has said here. It's mainly all about accepting someone, supporting them in any way possible and communicating with each other about each other in a peaceful and civilised manner.

Despicable Me said:
And if he refuses to change and you're not happy with the way things are, then there's really only one thing to do then, and you already know what that is. There's no point in a relationship that has no direction and doesn't make you happy.

Also, this. If he refuses to try and make things work, and you can't be happy with that... I don't see the point in the relationship going ahead.

Unless the both of you have discussed and are aware of what's going on and are also willing to put out the effort to make it work, the relationship won't go anywhere and might likely eventually develop more issues.

Let us know how it goes, good luck, cryingcloud.
 
I agree with most that has been said. Just that it seems to me that he's very afraid. Is it possible that he's ashamed of you? I'm reading that through your story. If that's not it, then i agree with Despicable Me. Personally i don't think the focus on you "trying to change him" his necessary or justified. You're doing what you feel is normal, and to me it seems pretty normal too. I wouldn't want a relationship where i'd have to hide from anything and everything.

So yes, talk to him about it, and see where it goes.

Good luck!
 
I agree with what's already been said. I also want to say something else.

I have been in a long term relationship in which the other person wanted to change me. A person can tell when someone they're with wants them to change, and it feels lonely, knowing that you aren't accepted for who you are.
 
Rosebolt said:
I agree with most that has been said. Just that it seems to me that he's very afraid. Is it possible that he's ashamed of you? I'm reading that through your story. If that's not it, then i agree with Despicable Me. Personally i don't think the focus on you "trying to change him" his necessary or justified. You're doing what you feel is normal, and to me it seems pretty normal too. I wouldn't want a relationship where i'd have to hide from anything and everything.

So yes, talk to him about it, and see where it goes.

Good luck!

Thank you! I've read a lot of good advice so far, but I really don't want to change him as a person, he's a a great person. I just thought that as boyfriend/girlfriend that he shouldn't feel obligated to introduce me to his parents or friends, or to be around my parents or friends. I don't think he has a problem with me though, it's probably just his weird quirks. It isn't exactly how I pictured our relationship, and it's just hard to get used to. I only want to experience fun things with him, and I feel like I don't get to a lot because of all his self restrictions.
 
May I gently suggest that he still views you as a friend with benefits. Your descriptions of the ways he treats you doesn't say "committed relationship".
If I could go back and say anything to my 20-something self, I would say to take what people say and do at face value and when someone says something or behaves in a certain way, believe it the first time. Don't try to read into or interpret what people say or do. Somewhere out there, there is someone who will treat you special, who you won't have to coax to be fully involved with you and who will be proud to be seen in public with you. If you decide to stay with this fellow, proceed with caution.

-Teresa
 
I think the source of the problem is that you're in a relationship with someone who:

a) Has admitted commitment problems
and
b) Was initially reluctant to enter into a relationship

I'm not going to tell you what the relationship (or your boyfriend) is or isn't here, but those things aren't going to change quickly and it's not unknown for people to stay with someone just because they don't want to be alone. One of you entered the relationship ready for a fairly conventional romantic relationship, while the other one entered it still holding onto an aversion to anything more than friends-with-benefits. It's a recipe for a hard time.

Past a point (because your feelings matter, too), it would be a good idea to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about the romance, social, and intimacy aspects.
 
cryingcloud said:
Thank you! I've read a lot of good advice so far, but I really don't want to change him as a person, he's a a great person. I just thought that as boyfriend/girlfriend that he shouldn't feel obligated to introduce me to his parents or friends, or to be around my parents or friends. I don't think he has a problem with me though, it's probably just his weird quirks. It isn't exactly how I pictured our relationship, and it's just hard to get used to. I only want to experience fun things with him, and I feel like I don't get to a lot because of all his self restrictions.

I see. It'd be interesting and good to find out what these self restrictions are and why he chooses to impose them upon himself. Let us know when things progress!
 

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