Emerging from a life of loneliness

When I was 13, I started having digestive issues that caused me to withdraw socially. Even today, in my early 30's, on the rare occasions when someone invites me somewhere, my first thought is if I can make it through the entire event without embarrassing myself.

I don't really have friends, so whenever I have tried to let someone into my life, I depend on them far too much and come across as needy and desperate, which I suppose I am. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 21, and I broke up with her because I was convinced she was going to break up with me. I am easily offended by other people's actions and I feel betrayed by what most people seem to consider normal interpersonal behavior.

After my first girlfriend, I literally went another 12 years without dating. I lived in a state of numbness to cope. Then I had a severe panic attack and decided to give life another shot. I felt I needed a change of scenery so I decided to move out of state (which hasn't happened yet) and to start dating again. I met a nice girl, but she told me she loved me after six weeks and I didn't feel that way at all about her, so I broke up with her. We made the mistake of trying to be friends, and we were pretty good friends for about another six weeks after that. We both started dating other people, but she started to develop strong feelings for the new guy she was seeing. This made me jealous, and whether or not I really did love her (or was just jealous), I believed that I did and I told her. Long story short, she said she still loved me too, but that it was too late for us (it's complicated) and we haven't contacted each other in months.

The details of the love story aren't really important. The whole affair shocked me out of the numbness I had been living in for a decade and I went through a few weeks where I was barely able to sleep or eat and I wondered if I would ever be functional again. Having emerged from that state, I realize that almost everybody has a story like this. The reason I've come to this message board is that I want to explore the feelings of intense need and desire I had when I felt rejected by the woman I loved. I am such a needy person that I'm not sure whether I felt a desire for her (as an actual person) or a desire for a fantasy that if she loved me back I would never have to be alone again. And when I follow that feeling further down the road, I think the real feeling that I'm wrestling with is my fear of death.

I'm finally going to move out of state in another 2 months and I have something very preliminary started up with another woman there. I've done a decent job of reigning in my neediness with her so far, but I can already feel myself starting to become too emotionally dependent on her, like I've just kicked the neediness can down the road from the last woman to the new woman. I've resolved to devote myself to building a network of friends when I move, but I worry about how much of that is coming from a desire to never be alone again.

I guess what I'm really asking myself is, how do you build healthy relationships with others when you're coming from a place of such loneliness? As much as I try to "love myself" first, it feels like I'm always going to be lonely unless I have other people in my life.

Welcome to ALL You should stop by the chat room sometime.

Hi, howtobealone, no need to alone here. Welcome to the forum.

Hey there, welcome to the forum.

howtobealone said:

I guess what I'm really asking myself is, how do you build healthy relationships with others when you're coming from a place of such loneliness? As much as I try to "love myself" first, it feels like I'm always going to be lonely unless I have other people in my life.

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I think that the fact you are already aware of how you're feeling and what you're doing is already the first step in trying to keep healthy relationships with others. Once you are aware, you can try to stop yourself from making past mistakes and avoiding them. It's normal to feel lonely unless you have other people in your life. So all you can really do is try to keep these friendships and relationships going as best as you can. It's possible.

Welcome to you, howtobealone.

Welcome to ALL!

Hello and welcome to the forum howtobealone!

I remember myself back when i was 14 years old,i was a normal guy but i didn't want to catch up with the other guys or girls at my age,because i felt that it would not worth it.I became a lonely child with a few but well trusted friends who spent a lot of time home, less than hanging out with friends.All these led me about 3 years later to think that i was not happy with my life and immediately understand that i had to change the way i lived,so i started seeing the world in a different way and be more confident and relaxed.I also made new friends and started getting out of home having fun and flirting with girls,leaving the past behind and enjoying life at the highest.

Hi and welcome! Wishing you good luck on your upcoming move.
May I also just say that you sound quite normal and not particularly needy although it sounds like you see yourself that way.

-Teresa

Hey, welcome here