I can understand what you're saying mickey, and I agree with a lot of what you've said, but at the same time, when it comes to education, it opens up a massive topic in itself, -_-.
1. The same year that I was diagnosed with ASD, when I was 14 years old, I experienced a breakdown following an incident that led to me getting interrogated by the P.E. teacher, who was coincidently also the head of year in my secondary school. It traumatised me so much for so many reasons. I was also betrayed by my only friend who turned his back on me and wouldn't help me when I needed his support. Not to mention, the other student involved in the incident, having largely caused it himself, never admitted his guilt and just asked if I was alright. How was I alright? I was facing the head of year, in the P.E. gym with two classes, alone. How did he expect me to feel? Whatever the case, in the process, I just broke down in tears, for at least a week. I couldn't go back to that prison called a 'school'.
2. Since that incident, I am beset with triggers, triggers that ensue every time I approach, or hear of the topic about an educational facility. It brings all that pain back tenfold. Not to mention, I explained this very feeling to someone on another forum, and I was told, in private messages, that I sounded like a 'child', -_-. I didn't need to hear that, I can't help that life has traumatised me so much that every time I encounter triggers I am reminded of my painful past, in whatever form. These triggers came about because of the people I met and the environment I was in, it just shows you how important these two key elements are, but are so poorly rectified.
3. Which reminds me, my breakdown at secondary school was the follow on from so many different bullying incidents, but there have been two experiences that have been extremely hurtful, and very much related to this forum. The change of emotional occurrences. What I mean by this is, that you have to understand how it would have impacted me at the time. Pains felt when we are young can sometimes be some of the most painful, and when you have social difficulties and feel like a misfit, well, it emphasises the encounters and tragedies. You have to understand, I was alone for the majority of my school life, especially in terms of feeling like I could open up to someone. Every time I walked around the playgrounds, I would notice how other children were finding it so easy mingling with others, playing their little games of running around, when I just wanted to have a conversation, -_-. Every day at school, whenever I was in the playground I would reflect on life, compare it to my cousin's, compare it to the other children, look towards my future, and every time I did I grew more and more familiar with the harshness of life. I grew up very quickly facing the hardships of school. By the time I was 10 years old, I was betrayed by my first 'friend', and this followed a particularly tragic encounter that scarred me so much that I bottled my pain up for many, many years. In fact, it was only several years ago I opened up about my feelings. I was tricked by a bully of mine to tell him my crush and he then told her. This crush then came up to me, after I froze, called me a 'creep', and needless to say, to a 10 year old boy on the spectrum who already felt alienated, well, it was like I was hit with a sledgehammer. It was so odd, it was like at that very instant all my reflections on life up until that point were concentrated, and I felt totally dead inside. I was lost, but I was so aware. It's strange, but I felt like I gained about as much knowledge as I was despairing. I was aware that my levels of cautiousness took over. I knew not to trust so readily after that, and I learnt that lesson well and truly.
That's not even half the story, it continues to secondary school. In the same year of my breakdown, just earlier that year, guess what took place? I found myself in yet another emotional encounter, this time totally different. It happened when I was 13 years old, earlier in the same year as my breakdown. This time three girls in my year, but in a higher class than me, came up to me, and told me of their friend's crush on me. This friend was standing in the middle, with a shy smile on her face. Can you imagine the thoughts spinning around my analytical mind? I was thinking so many different things. At first I was shocked, taken aback by this unexpected encounter, it even felt reminiscent for me, except for the friend over bully part. However; it was because of that reminiscence that I travelled deeper, and realised, "Hang on a minute, I was called a 'creep' by another girl over crushes, how do I know they aren't teasing me, and are only just waiting for my reaction?". In truth, I'd never seen them before, I had no idea where she came from. I wonder if she noticed me from afar and asked her friends to build the courage to talk to me. I didn't know, and to be honest, all these years later, I don't want to know. I do know, however; my response at the time. I just said, "Oh, okay...thanks", thinking it was all just a bully attempt. In truth, I guess it's not such a bad thing to say, but I could have at least asked her name! Anyway, long story short, half of me wonders whether it was emotional pain that weakened me the most before my breakdown since it was a feeling I felt for a long time, especially after I became so aware of life, and having no friends to talk to. In truth, I'm sure the severity of my breakdown was the follow on from all of my pains from 'school', -_-.
This is another example of where time is my most vicious enemy. I was cursed to see that same girl two more times years after my breakdown. The first time I saw her after my breakdown, she was serving at a booth in a building society. I didn't recognise her at first, until I focused on her shy smile. I was frozen, totally stunned. My mum was there at the time, and she was talking to her, but mum had no idea what significance this girl was to me, -_-. When this girl told us her name, I was so frozen, it never sunk in, >.<. I clearly shocked her as well since she made a mistake with the money, but even then I couldn't say a word to her. There were too many people around, my anxiety was very high, and to be honest, after all that time, the chances of her being single was an extremely slim prospect. I am glad I didn't say anything since I don't think I could have coped with another bout of emotional pain. I then saw her again at my local park, but again, she was surrounded by too many people and my anxiety was too high. In some senses, I'm glad again I didn't approach her, I know I couldn't have coped hearing the harsh truth. I will never forget the pain that those evil bullies at school caused me, being punched is a pain that can be painful, but a pain involving your emotions can carry much further, especially when you have social difficulties. I will always look back to my school life with utter contempt, and that will never change. The trick is finding the other lost souls like myself, aware of what life can throw at you, trying to find genuine people themselves.
In the end, I don't want to look back to those damaging times, but I do know that I have to learn from them. At the same time, I cannot avoid those triggers, an educational facility in any form and seeing people in relationships around me, well, it would not only bring it all back, but it would also widen the pain to a greater extent.
4. Following my breakdown at secondary school, through my statement of special educational needs, I shut the door physically and mentally to all authority figures following that interrogation at school. I didn't trust the powers they had and how they could easily abuse it. I had to be taught from behind my bedroom door for 5 and a half years with the help of two home and hospital tutors, that were like hot and cold with their teaching styles (one was more structured in teaching than the other). However you may view the concept of being taught from behind my bedroom door, it was extremely helpful. I could concentrate on my work with no distractions, and I could ask questions to the two tutors directly without having to worry about their eyes on me. My Speech and Language Therapist (SALT) trained as an invigilator so that I could complete my exams at home, in my living room. She had to have her back to me (as I couldn't face her (I couldn't face professional figures following my breakdown)) and I was allowed to have my mother in the living room as well. Anyway, through all this, I was able to pass my exams, and I achieved a distinction in photography and a merit in web designing. It helped me so much, and if I didn't have that teaching, I would have never been able to write the way I am now. In fact, I've seen the old planner that I wrote in at secondary school, and my spelling and grammar were atrocious. I've come a long way, and it was all thanks to one of my tutors, the one that was organised.
Anyway, on top of all this when you go onto one of these dating or pen pal websites, -_-, they generally have a drop down menu for 'Education', there is no room to say that I was taught at home, >.<. Talk about stereotyping people and secluding you if you don't fit into the typical,
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5. In all those 5 and a half years, not one 'professional' was willing to help me. I couldn't attend the meetings myself, but whenever my mother attended these meetings, they never came to a single decision on anything. I was left with nothing. I can remember one of these so called 'professionals' coming to talk to me from behind my bedroom door once, but for one he was so quiet, he was barely audible since it sounded like he spoke in whispers, -_-. When he did speak louder, he suggested a possibility of communicating over the computer, but he left soon after, and absolutely nothing came of it, so what was that all about I wonder, >.<.
6. When I reached 19 years of age, my statement of special educational needs ended, I was left with nothing. Nothing at all. My home and hospital tutor left me to finish the web designing course, which wasn't completed. I was lost, particularly since the distance learning course tutor couldn't see my website. It took me so many emails backwards and forwards trying to find a solution to the problem that it exhausted me. As it exhausted me so much I had to drop the C++ coding since I couldn't focus. In response to this I received a merit grade, and the answer that came back from the distance learning course tutor, the same tutor that exhausted me, was that I should have included C++ coding. Really, then I wish he could have seen what it was like having been left to pick up the pieces without my home and hospital tutor to help me to resolve the error I was facing.
Needless to say, the statement of special educational needs ending so suddenly and abruptly, leaving me with nothing, and no following help, completely obliterated my chance to learn in the way I felt most comfortable. On top of being able to learn without distraction from my surroundings, from both people and triggers. I was left, and no one came to help me in any way.
7. Not only that, but the understanding of the autistic spectrum in the UK is practically non-existent, particularly for someone in my situation. You see, I'm not in mainstream school or attended a special school, I was left with nothing following the ending of my statement of special educational needs. My triggers following the treatment I received from my peer group is debilitating, and I cannot trust 'professionals' on so many levels, not to mention it was the system itself that split my family and affected all of us in our own ways. Due to all of this, I end up falling through the net. I can't help that I ended up having a breakdown that caused me to leave school, and I can't help that causes triggers. I can't help that I couldn't cope with attending a special school either since I felt that a group of people collectively so soon after my breakdown was too much for me to take. I class 'professionals' as those with authority, as they have too much power at their disposal, and from witnessing the interrogation from the P.E teacher/head of year (who knew I had difficulties, especially after the letters my mother sent in to explain my difficulties with P.E. due to my OCD, should have also known what an impact an interrogation would have had on me), to so called 'professionals' that attend meetings after meetings, coming to no helpful, and undamaging decisions, that would actually help, and even then, following the suggestion of a digital way, completely left, leaving me with nothing, -_-.
8. Like it or not, I know people say that asperger's syndrome isn't a disability, but it really depends on what you mean by the word 'disability'. I have my own share of difficulties that, if they are not accustomed to, I will be unable to cope in an environment that is out of my comfort zone. I couldn't concentrate, and I would be unable to learn, take everything in, and I would experience so many meltdowns that it would lead to further breakdowns. This is not simply due to the mass of people around me, it is also because of the triggers I've mentioned relating to emotional pain, and authority figures. Basically, I am 'disabled' because this country is creating an environment that is anti-my coping levels. If I was surrounded by an environment that was more suited to my asperger's syndrome, and didn't spark triggers, then I may have a chance, but until then, I wouldn't be able to cope. I've read a saying somewhere, it goes something like, 'You shouldn't learn the way they teach, they should teach you in a way you can learn', emphasising the word '
can'. However; they don't, at least not since my statement of special educational needs ended. I could concentrate so effectively since one of my home and hospital tutors was able to structure my lessons so well.
Anyway, considering I cannot cope in a built teaching environment, and the fact that I can't cope with communication with strangers over the phone, well, it does in some senses mean I am 'disabled' in the way I need to be taught, and that needs to be recognised and to find a way I can cope with learning. I have thought about Open University, however; there is another important point. The government in this country has cut higher education for those with learning difficulties, well, I have a certain way I can cope with learning, so technically, I do have my own set of difficulties that needs to be worked around. If that funding is cut, how am I expected to just cope like that!? Not only that, I've heard that in some countries you don't even have to pay to take a course in a university, not that I would even be able to cope, but that is most certainly not the case in Britain, -_-. On top of that, they've also increase student fees. Yes, increased student fees. That means many, many students will find themselves in debt by the time they are finished with their courses! If you are lucky enough to even get to university on the spectrum, those students begin to notice the help they thought would be there, isn't, and they are forced to leave. I can see, without a shadow of a doubt, that this country is based purely and simply on class system. Those with enough money and ability are allowed to progress, but those that are poor and struggling to survive in a world with massive propaganda and prejudice are left with nothing. I'm sorry, but it just makes me so angry, this country makes me sick. I'm finding it one of the biggest challenges of my life just to find members of my peer group who are open-minded enough towards my asperger's syndrome, I also have to equally find people that are aware of the outright corruption spreading like a plague over, not just this country, but the world. I haven't found one person in my generation yet that has understood that, and it's disheartening,
. You see, I need to find people that 'do not judge a book by its cover', not just about my issues, but about what is really going on out there as well. I could go on and on about corruption, but it's because of so much propaganda and prejudice that I am having so much difficulty.
On a personal level, my extended family are prime examples of taking their 'thoughts' and 'opinions' from the stereotype. You see, none of them have seen me 24/7, and not one of them has the right to say one word about what I can and cannot cope with. I wish, with all my heart, that every single person I've ever met in my life could, not just spend a day, week, month, or decade witnessing my experiences in life, but a lifetime. I wonder what their thoughts would be then, -_-. I know that will never happen, but I know, since they do not know what it is like living on the spectrum or living with someone that does, I can almost certainly be sure that it will be no different with other people either, unless they have a mind open enough. Life isn't the same for everyone, what might be easy for one person, may not be for another. I mean, this forum itself is about loneliness and emotional pain, we find it difficult to find our significant others, but again, this may be something that another may not understand. This is what I'm talking about, in order to have a mind open enough is to realise that it's not always the same for others. No one is perfect in this world, I've known that for many, many years of my life. I learnt that the hard way, as I learnt difference. Personally, I find difference to be something special, but at the same time, in this chaotic world, difference is mostly shunned upon by the repetitive clones of, what I like to call the zombie race, those following obediently without questioning what's around them, -_-. I really wish, with all my heart, that more people would wake up to what's around them, especially in my generation. I'm sure there are, but they are too few and far between, especially for my social difficulties, >.<;.
All of this opens a can of worms, and I've tried explaining this so many times. It tires me out, but it is all important, and all relevant.
What drives me forwards is the pain I feel in my loneliness, it's a pain I've felt for so many years of my life. I've faced bullies, backstabbing 'friends', alienation, and the merciless pendulum swings of time. Through all that, I am torn between ultimate depression and an unbreakable resolve. I am moved by both, my mind and my heart, depression and resolve, machine and human. My analytic mind over the conviction to find true genuine people that I can feel comfortable talking to. There are times I can't stand it anymore, and times when I want to try to find at least one thread of light in this chaotic world.
On the subject of toilets, it's a bit disconnected from my original topic, but in some senses, I suppose it can be vaguely related to social disconnection, as in misunderstandings, or general etiquette. Personally, I could never cope in public toilets to begin with, I have to go to disabled toilets because I can't cope with being surrounded by other people, it both increases my anxiety, and makes me uncomfortable. Disabled toilets aren't brilliant, and some can be a bit unclean, >.<;, some disabled toilets can be a nightmare, -_-. However; over anxiety and privacy, I know which I would opt for. The only other issue is whether someone with a physical disability, such as in a wheelchair may find it odd for someone that looks able-bodied is going into a disabled toilet. To that I say, but I can't literally with my anxiety, -_-, is that there are difficulties we experience that you can't see with your eyes, you'd have to understand the person to realise how their anxiety affects them. Not only that, there may also be people that have certain other health problems, or difficulties that you can't see with your eyes either, doesn't mean you are any less entitled than someone with a visible disability.
HoodedMonk, I'm glad you're interested in gardening, what kind of garden do you like? As I am largely interested in Japan and China, I love the oriental plants. I have three acers, one red, green, and the other has leaves that are more intricate in shape. I have this Pierus Mountain Fire which I hope later this summer will display lily of the valley like flowers:
http://www.greenerearthnursery.com/...6e5fb8d27136e95/p/i/pieris_mountian_fires.jpg. These are just a couple of examples of the plants I have in the garden, and both are Japanese,
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Not only that, but I've also grown an interest in wildflowers, I've been collecting some and putting them in pots around the garden, and covering the base to stop the roots from invading, lol. The flowers, or general foliage can be really interesting with some plants, the wildflower called Herb Robert is a good example of what I mean, here is link to some pictures so you can see for yourself:
http://www.michwildflowers.com/geraniaceae/herbrobert.html. I love this plant since it can remind me of various other plants, the acer/maple for example with the variety from red and green stalks, leaves, the buds look almost alien-like, and the flowers have almost a raspberry ripple effect.
Getting away from the subject of toilets, xD. The general stereotypical etiquette in terms of emotion would be that as a male you're generally expected to have bucket loads of confidence which a lot of young women would prefer, -_-. From what I've gathered over time, social etiquette when it comes to talking to young women, and dates in general is where a lot of people on the spectrum would struggle greatly. I am aware of the obvious social etiquette, I don't speak bluntly, >.<, after all, I'm sensitive myself. However; the worst etiquette of all is the stereotypical kind. The man is usually seen as the person to perform all the usual tasks like buying drinks, food, or anything related. What happens if the man has anxiety? Well, we are dropped over those who are more able to work under such pressures. Yet, what they don't understand is that the more anxieties we have, the more human we are, and are less likely to betray, backstab and treat them badly; I certainly know I wouldn't. See, this is another reason, a little further down the road, maybe, but nevertheless, this is another issue I can see I'm going to face, -_-.
