Deal with b**** aunt

Maybe you have some advice to give me, I am at a point of non-return... this is going to be a long post, apologies.

I used to have a favorite aunt, well, my childhood was really very bleak, terrible relations with mother and father, I was left completely alone in a very unhealthy situation, and this aunt was young pretty funny and she would take me along on her trips, where I was mostly forced to stay with adults and scolded constantly because I wouldn't behave. But at least I would see some people, and to tell the truth I was not great company, I was completely shy and I would barely talk.
Later on we kept being "best friends", for years we would call each other almost daily (she lives in another city), and we knew everything about each other, although regularly every few years there would be a scene because she wasn't really paying attention to my feelings, so the problem was maybe always there.
Then in 2003 her mother died, and in 2004 I became very ill of an illness she didn't think was real (!), I don't know the cause but she started pulling away and not telling me about her feelings anymore.

She sometimes would drop that she was very depressed, but she refused to talk about it. For some years she was clearly drunk almost every evening, but wouldn't talk, then she stopped drinking. She admitted that she didn't call me much because I was talking too much about being ill (I was in a wheelchair for a long time, and struggled to find a way to keep living, being ill was all my life).
I noticed that the best way NOT to hear from her for a while was to say over the phone how much I appreciated her calling and if she could call more often.

I saw her once in four years, she didn't show any interest in my troubles, then I got better (a bit), I told her and THEN she decided to have her holidays at my place for three weeks. She was really upset that I still couldn't walk much and was not well, and she yelled at me for three weeks. After that we spoke less over the phone, and I had the impression that she wouldn't tell me things anymore like she used to, when I called her on that she, more than once, stated that "she was a superficial person and just enjoyed chit chat" (!). She has a phobia against illness of any kind, and can't even talk about it, tough luck for me.

In 2013 she came for christmas, again I offered her some days and she came for 10, and they were the worst days of my life, she was in a terrible mood all the time, angry at me all the time, scary angry so that I couldn't just set a boundary and tell her to stop. Also, she was still contributing to my living expenses (I was paying a really high rent then), so I owned her. Also she used to be my best friend, it was so painful.
After she left, I noticed that in months, maybe years, she never showed any interest in how I was, and that I was always volunteering information when she clearly didn't want to know. I decided to stop telling her anything meaningful about my life, unless she asked me. She asked me, after 14 months (!!). After I told her what happened in that period (lots), she was extremely angry that I hadn't told her, and refused to admit that she never asked me.

Now my life has changed completely, and she still has no idea of who I am and what I will do, but now she did ask very briefly by email to explain better what happened, and what I will do now.
She is planning trips all around the world, she has her acquaintances, she works, she doesn't seem so bad off, she just doesn't seem to care about me anymore even if she swears that "she lives just for me" (! just... wow). She said that she didn't call when she heard that I was having so many problems because "she was afraid that I would get angry".

Now I don't need her money anymore, and I just would like to tell her to f;&% off and get out of my life, because she still makes me so angry and sad (for years after each phone call or email I was crying and/or swearing for hours), but my mother says that I have no other relatives and that before there was so much love, so I shouldn't write her off completely.

She strongly refuses to admit that she is doing anything wrong, I even offered her to move to her city for some weeks to see a family therapist together, guess her answer. In parallel to all this, she makes phone calls to my mother to ask why I don't love her anymore, and how am I doing, but she never asked *me*. My mother told her to ask me directly, but she wouldn't do it.

I don't know what to do with this woman... honestly somewhere in the last two years I really stopped having feelings for her. She writes letters that are meant to a different person, I changed and she doesn't know me anymore, and she doesn't want to spend time knowing me.

What can I do? This is a huge sadness in my life, I miss how she used to be and I feel sad that I could be here to love her and she would have none of that. And I feel a LOT of resentment. I don't know if I should just keep distance, because now she asked me to tell her everything that happened last year, and I just don't know how to do that without blaming her for not being there for me.
And she WILL feel blamed and get angry. But if I don't tell her, she will get angry. No way out. I don't understand how to deal with her. Now she writes that she feels I am sad, but I am sad only when I think of her.

She decided to have her holidays at your place? Is it co-owned by her? Because last time I checked, if someone wanted to use something of mine and I didn't want them to, they'd get a no from me. And if you really feel as though you don't need whatever negativity you get from her in your life, do yourself a favor and tell her that you'd appreciate it if she didn't bother with you anymore. You have the choice to make those decisions. What you don't have any authority over is changing her. She has to do that on her own.

Exactly what Vanilla Creme said. This woman is making you miserable. Why, I don't know. But here is one guess from the grandstand. You've been sick for a long time and you've worked like hell to get better and she seems to be emotionally spiraling out of control and she sees you in a better place than she is. You don't need this treatment. It's time for her to move away and as fast as possible.

I don't know, she was so supportive for many years and I think she is suffering, otherwise I don't understand her total closure and lack of interest beyond "how is it". But still, she is fighting to keep that going, but it's like she wants our relationship on her own terms and refuses to acknowledge that these terms hurt me. I do have a debt of gratitude, also for financially supporting me (ok, helping out, a bit) all the years I was ill, so it's more complicated.

It's okay to feel the way you do, Peaches. She was good to you in the past with money and the like, so I can understand your desire to repay that debt but she's probably so damaged by her own experiences that she's incapable of giving you any kind of emotional support. This is probably why she's been so generous with money, she believes it's a substitute for love. I hope this doesn't upset you but you will most likely never have the relationship with her that you want because of her damage. I would suggest that you keep things as light and casual as possible with her if you're not willing to sever all ties with her. I say this because I have a favourite aunt too.

Peaches said:

I don't know, she was so supportive for many years and I think she is suffering, otherwise I don't understand her total closure and lack of interest beyond "how is it". But still, she is fighting to keep that going, but it's like she wants our relationship on her own terms and refuses to acknowledge that these terms hurt me. I do have a debt of gratitude, also for financially supporting me (ok, helping out, a bit) all the years I was ill, so it's more complicated.

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You may have a debt of gratitude, but just because someone helps you doesn't mean you need to kiss their ass. If she's not willing to understand or care about the fact that you're telling her that you just don't agree with how she treats you now, then she's obviously not listening to you. And, in my opinion, making it quite clear she's not going to listen. But it's your choice to deal with it or not. You have the option to leave it be and not bother with her anymore. If you feel like you owe her enough to throw yourself under the bus with a one-sided relationship, that's on you. But you either accept it or do something about it.

It sounds as though you've just grown apart- you've changed and she hasn't. She doesn't seem to want to be completely honest with you, nor does she want to acknowledge your troubles or support you in any way other than through financial means, which to be sure, is significant, but doesn't mean she has a hold over you. You were close in the past, but perhaps it is time to realize that such distance and differences cannot be bridged by someone who refuses to see them. You've only seen her a few times in the past few years and every time her presence had a negative impact on you. For the sake of family bonds and how your relationship used to be, I don't think it would be wise to cut ties altogether. Leave the door open for her to come back and perhaps someday she may understand what you felt through her own attempts to change. Don't give up on someone entirely. There is always room for growth and change. But take a few steps back for now. The effect that she is having on your life and emotional health isn't going to help you. Let her reach out to you if and when she finally decides she wants to understand.

thank you... the reason I feel bad is that not only she behaved the way she did, but that, now that I am clearly pulling back, in every single email or phone call (I told her clearly two months ago that I had a depression and I would not take any more phone calls to talk about the weather, like I did in the previous year, so she is not calling at all, god forbid that she had to listen to my stuff!), in every message she asks why I don't like her anymore and blames me for not wanting me to tell her things (!! can you understand why I am going crazy? she wants me to tell her things so that she can ignore them).
So the problem is ignore these attacks and just keep it casual. My goal is to communicate less and less to reach the same level of communication there is with other relatives, two phone calls per year, birthday and christmas, a little chat and it will be over, but now she is getting increasingly resentful because I don't tell her everything as before, and she is playing the victim. She drives me crazy.

You're denying her a source of emotional supply and moving beyond her control at the same time. It's no wonder she's angry. Keep pulling away, she'll get the message eventually.

I don't want to resuscitate this thread with my boring problems but this is an update:
I tried again to speak really clearly, sent two emails saying all the ways in which she hurts me, and again she replied that it was all my fault and my imagination. Then she disappeared for more than a month, and also didn't contact anyone, I just knew that she was doing this really expensive trip around China, so I worried and I wrote her a line. I suspect that I have been manipulated into contacting her, because she replied right away, and again like nothing has happened, and she wants to see me, but I don't want to see her!!! Ever again I think, I am seriously contemplating changing my family name, now THAT will make her understand my feelings. Every time I read one of her messages it feels like I was beaten up, it hurts so much, I used to love her so much.
I don't know how to tell her that I don't want to see her, do I speak bluntly (which she won't understand) or do I just keep making excuses?

Manipulated into contacting her? Sounds like you did that on your own accord. If you don't want to see her, then don't. And I don't think changing your name will make her understand anything if speaking very blunt and honest doesn't even work. You're still choosing to keep in contact with her when you could ignore her. By reading about it, it sounds to me as though you do want to keep in contact, but maybe you wish she were more open to talk to.

Well, she keeps writing, and I am not still 100% sure if cutting all communication is the best thing, because you get only one favourite aunt/best friend in your life, and we are still family, she "just" refuses to acknowledge my feelings, I don't know how to act skilfully in this.

I don't think we get just one best friend, but I get what you mean. She keeps writing, but you're the one deciding to read and respond. Just remember that. I completely understand you don't want the total cut off, but don't just think she'll change because you're upset over how she acts. She's not supposed to change just because. She is who she is, and you have to accept that. If you find that you can't, then your only other option is to leave it be. You can't make her acknowledge your feelings. She'll have to do that on her own.

I'm sorry for what you're going through Peaches. It doesn't seem like she wants to change or will change since she refuses to acknowledge your perspective or even act as if she cares.