Feel I'm missing out on all things non-committal

This is a complaining post.. bear with me.

You hear these kind of stories all the time. People cheating on their partners. People having sex with at least one new person every weekend. People counting weeks or days since the last time they "did it". Stories that tell how human affection is easily accessible.

Though it seems like something going on in a parallel world. For me, getting an opportunity to simply touch someone is something that might happen once for every few years. Getting that comfortable with someone takes so much time, time that I don't have, and time that others don't have for me.

How can it be so quick and easy for some, and so difficult and time consuming for me/others?

Sometimes I feel quite depressed about not experiencing "closeness" with anyone, and how that's the normal state of life for me. At this point, I'm alienated from all of it.

And if I do get into a committed relationship of sorts down the line, I'd go insane if I was cheated on or in any way betrayed. Cause some people might not assign much value or meaning to sex and closeness in general, while I would see it as a scarcity I fought and suffered for. Something you can only get by being trustworthy, honest and more or less self sacrificing.

I wish I had the ability and skills to get the sex or whatever I'd want, in a sufficient quantity, at any time. Then I'd not feel like I'm missing out on some joys in life, and I'd be less afraid of betrayal.

I used to have a couple friends who'd hug me in high school. It's hard to remember what that felt like now, and it definitely affects the state of mind. When I was younger I'd always tell myself that as soon as I had social anxiety under control, or depression, or felt comfortable approaching people, etc, then I'd be one of those people with plenty of company.

Why is it this way? Who knows. Sometimes I don't know if it's healthier to keep telling oneself that you have to "earn" normalcy through a series of changes and view yourself as just another person, or to give in and view yourself as separate from the rest of the world and unable to follow the usual paths, play by the usual rules, etc. Maybe there's a middle ground I can't see.

I've always had trouble understanding the promiscuous attitude, though. A vagina is a vagina and a penis is a penis. They're all pretty much the same beyond minor aesthetic differences. It's not like one person's is strawberry-scented and another creates chocolate.

I completely get what you're saying. I believe in honestly, faithfulness and if I were in a relationship with someone I loved I would never even think of cheating. Why would I want to? But I realize that's not the way most people think and that's why I feel like an alien sometimes and find it hard to trust others. A friend of mine says I should be more spontaneous about life. I've thought about it. I've never had a one-night stand and sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out. Then I realize I don't have the right mental attitude for it. It's one thing to do it to relieve stress or a physical need, but I'd probably still be looking for an emotional connection and then I'd feel cheap and even lonelier than I am now. Sex can't replace emotional closeness.
Basically you're saying you wish you were more superficial so you'd enjoy the good things in life (like sex) more. Right there with you, my friend, but unfortunately I feel things deeply and that can be a curse sometimes. Nothing I can change though.

Oldyoung said:

This is a complaining post.. bear with me.

You hear these kind of stories all the time. People cheating on their partners. People having sex with at least one new person every weekend. People counting weeks or days since the last time they "did it". Stories that tell how human affection is easily accessible.

Click to expand...

Who cares what these other people do, that's not healthy anyway and isn't even close to what you described you want. Let those other people risk getting an STD or worse, let them have their emotionless random sexual encounters. If they are so obsessed with how long it has been since they've been laid they certainly don't have much of a life. You are comparing apples to oranges here, unless you want a random sex partner every week but if that was the case you'd probably be able to find it. Since its not what you want its something you are not going out seeking. Just make sure when you are around these people you wipe down the toilet seat after they use it. That's just a joke by the way, before anyone goes on about how you can't catch this or that from a toilet seat.

I sometimes have contemplated it and wondered if I will regret not pursuing such relationships. I see myself as highly sexual person and because of that I wonder should I be experiencing things with many different people to fulfill my desires. But I don't think my heart would be up for the task and it is against my personal moral code. Still I think it is natural to wonder what it would be like.

I'm very familiar with the feeling of being isolated from all kinds of closeness and it is something that can eat anyone alive. Sadly I can't really give advice on it, since I have found no way to ease the pain of it. That being said I see no reason why some lovely lady wouldn't want to be close with you. What I think you should focus on right now is to just try to be happy in your own skin and find ways being content being alone in your life. Follow your passions, dreams and if you have none then create some. Love is important if not the most important thing in life, but it is not the only thing. It won't be easy because the yearning is still going to be there, but having some focus in your life will bring you happiness.

And about being cheated on, the sad and harsh reality of life is that when it comes to people there is no guarantee that we won't be disappointed by them. It doesn't mean we should be afraid to open our heart with someone, because with the right person there is nothing that can compare to it. Build a strong foundation with yourself and if the worst comes to worst you will be able to survive the bitterness of heartbreak. Also there are still many and I would even dare to say vast majority of people who honor their commitments. Even if some people fail to do so.

It's strange that I would cite such bland motivational advice, but they say "You get in life what you have the courage to ask for". Truth be told, I never believed the random pick-ups etc. required much skill or aptitude since so many pursue them successfully who are neither the brightest nor the most attractive folks. It does take confidence though...but that's what a whole lot of us lack. But the right environment tilts the odds in your favor.

Now I can't say I ever felt like missing out on this more spontaneous way of life, but I can comprehend why you do since this closeness clearly holds value to you. But you should ask yourself if this is really what you want. If you long for intimacy these short-termed moments of affection could only be emotional aspirin. They might eliminate the pain, but not its source. And in case you value this small moment of intimacy more than the other person, it can prove to be rather disappointing and crushing on top. So if the mere desire contradicts your own morality on the matter, you'd be better off sorting out this dissonance first...cause I don't know if those who engage in this behavior so habitually are likely to be the faithful companion you are looking for.

Get a pet. Solves everything.

But really OY, I completely sympathize. And empathize to a certain degree. But it's not really about ability and skill is it? If sex was all you were looking for, then you'd have to be entirely at ease with the person you were being intimate with abruptly leaving or being in other physical relationships. I don't think that's the sort of thing you'd be comfortable with. You seem like someone who feels deeply and would want monogamy and a steady relationship, not an unpredictable arrangement just to address physical wants. So even if you had 'the ability and skills to get the sex or whatever, in a sufficient quantity, at any time' I don't think you'd experience any joy from it.
What have you been doing to address the issue in any case? When was the last time you approached a girl with the intent of dating or a relationship? Forgive me for asking, but are you simply feeling sorry for yourself without having taken measures to get what you want? Approach someone you like, get to know them, ask them out. You may know from their history, friends, values and character if they are someone who is not likely to be trustworthy. If they've done cheated in the past, they may do it again. But in any case, your fear of betrayal doesn't seem to have got you very far right now. Why don't you take a chance? There are still good people in the world. You will find someone who is right for you. I completely agree with rodent's point of view, and he's phrased it far more eloquently than I ever could.