Out of Place

Does anyone else feel as though they are just in the wrong place? I've lived in California all my life but lately I just feel that I don't belong. As though I should have uprooted and landed in some other state or country. I feel out of place; people are moving and working in concentric circles around me, never to intersect. Like a nightmare where you scream out loud at the frustration of your life and no one hears you.

Then I quietly wonder to myself what would be the downfall of leaving? I'm lonely here, it would be the same there (where ever "there" is). But then again "here" is reality. Here is where I am a responsible adult with a career and two friends. Here is where the bills are mailed - my comfortable and mundane existence. Am I alone in this? Or, is my fantasy one of "the grass is always greener..." Just wondering.

I felt that way when I first went to college. I actually ended up going to therapy for it. While going through this, I found that, that college wasn't where I belonged. So I moved, and was much happier there.

Now I am in a small town doing a job I love, but I have no friends here. So I am moving closer to my family, because I feel like that is where I should be.

You should try it if you really think you would be happier. Difference parts of the world give you different types of people.

Michigan would be fine if it didn't have Michiganders and the worst ******* accent in America. Weather is generally nice and there aren't great natural disasters. Depending on where you live, housing and cost of living can be pretty cheap. Avoid dealing with state officials of any stripe, they're some of the most venal and corrupt pieces of honeysuckle imaginable.

I suppose I never thought of it as the "wrong" place for me. I live where my mother was stuck all of her life when she spawned me. When someone tells me I ought to be grateful I wasn't born in some Somalian refugee camp or whatever, I have to ask myself - is it really that much different? If you took the federal government out of here, Michigan would degenerate into a tinpot dictatorship (hell, the head nerd in charge is doing that already despite those pesky things called "laws" and "democracy").

blumar said:

Does anyone else feel as though they are just in the wrong place? I've lived in California all my life but lately I just feel that I don't belong. As though I should have uprooted and landed in some other state or country. I feel out of place; people are moving and working in concentric circles around me, never to intersect. Like a nightmare where you scream out loud at the frustration of your life and no one hears you.

Then I quietly wonder to myself what would be the downfall of leaving? I'm lonely here, it would be the same there (where ever "there" is). But then again "here" is reality. Here is where I am a responsible adult with a career and two friends. Here is where the bills are mailed - my comfortable and mundane existence. Am I alone in this? Or, is my fantasy one of "the grass is always greener..." Just wondering.

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You've considered the possibility of leaving and haven't mentioned any reasons why you can't. I'm going to assume you are financially and physically capable and stable in every other way and the only thing holding you back is not a sense of attachment, but a lack of motivation because 'why bother?'. Why not? No it's not just a fantasy to think things maybe different. If you've always experienced the same thing, it's easy to understand why you'd think things are still going to be the same elsewhere. Why settle for 'comfortable and mundane' if you can afford to strive to better that situation? Take a chance. Move. I've been moving all my life, houses, schools, cities, countries, continents. It's not been through my own choice, but I have definitely noticed how much more happy and satisfied I am at some places than at others. And some places it's just taken time to grow in to, like where I am now. Nicole is right too, people are definitely not the same everywhere. Circumstances will be different, your environment will be different, your life will be different. If you do move for the first time ever, watch out for adjustment disorder/situational disorder. Or rather watch out for it every time you move. Understand that it will pass. If you just don't feel comfortable even after you've moved a couple of times, hey, at least you tried. But it's better than staying where you are and wondering, but never finding out.
Good luck =)

there is no hope said:

Weather is generally nice and there aren't great natural disasters. Depending on where you live, housing and cost of living can be pretty cheap.

When someone tells me I ought to be grateful I wasn't born in some Somalian refugee camp or whatever, I have to ask myself - is it really that much different? If you took the federal government out of here, Michigan would degenerate into a tinpot dictatorship.

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I don't understand it when those who live in the first world and have known nothing but, ask this question. Yes. Yes, it really is that much different. You just compared a refugee camp to the world's most powerful first world nation. And you've not chosen just any refugee camp, but one in a country that is famously called 'the world's most failed state.' You can hypothesize all you like about your government degenerating into whatever. But Somalia, to use your own example again, has come at the bottom of Transparency International’s annual Corruptions Perceptions index for years. They were at the top of the failed states index for years. There was no central government for two decades, they were a stateless society for a quarter of a century. There is scarcely any comparison to be made there.

Do you have life's basic necessities? Food, water, shelter? Are you constantly in danger of dying through an epidemic or through violence? Are you in immediate danger of your body being violated through rape like many women and men in developing nations are and have been? Ask yourself that question as much as you like. Sure, terrible things happen the world over, including in the first world. But in a general sense, life is far better than you can possibly imagine if you don't know or haven't experienced the difference. Some of my earliest childhood memories was of being in the south of India with members of my family for the birth of my brother. Animals-cows, goats, dogs etc- and animal filth was everywhere, heaps of garbage littered main roads, children picked among them to get scraps of rotting fruit and other food just so they could satiate their hunger. I remember seeing a girl come out of a tiny collapsed tin shelter to go and bathe in the extremely polluted, sewage filled river, because there was no running water in her slum. I haven't been to that city or even to India in years, but I imagine life in a refugee camp can't be much different, and may in all probability be much worse even than that.

Yes, you should be grateful. We should all be grateful. You and I, and everyone else have our own personal issues, wherever we live and to every person their issues and problems will obviously be the most pressing and of the most concern. But we shouldn't go so far into self-pity as to trivialize the problems of others, particularly those who are born into nothing, and will most likely die with nothing. We can still have gratitude for what we have, however little it may be. Empathy is one of the best human traits and it wouldn't hurt to practice it occasionally.

And yet you miss the fundamental point; wealth and standards of living don't make people fundamentally different (aside from being dead of course), even less so pieces of paper that purportedly represent wealth. Most of the problem isn't a lack of resources but distribution of resources, that is the same everywhere - it's more apparent in the worst parts of the world.

there is no hope said:

And yet you miss the fundamental point; wealth and standards of living don't make people fundamentally different (aside from being dead of course), even less so pieces of paper that purportedly represent wealth.

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Yes, wealth and standards of living can and often do make people fundamentally different. You still really can see no difference in how you may have turned out had you not been born where you were?

there is no hope said:

Most of the problem isn't a lack of resources but distribution of resources, that is the same everywhere - it's more apparent in the worst parts of the world.

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This much at least, I can agree with.

Good day, sir. I am too tired to continue to try to reason with you since you have proven in this thread and others that you are unwilling to see or understand any perspective other than your own. Have a pleasant day or night, whichever the case may be. =)

You show that you consider me invalid and subhuman and that you probably wish I were starving in honeysuckle.
Soon enough you will get your wish.
There is no perspective, only what is correct.
Just remember that you got out because you stepped on others in your home country. You may forget that, those on the bottom won't.

There is no reason whatsoever for anyone in the world to live in that kind of poverty, and you're part of the problem because of your belief system. I know I can't solve it and I'm fighting against a beast that can't be slain - but the beast isn't ignorance, nature, or fate, it's the willful desire and the need to see others are lesser by those with power. I am still guilty because I am apathetic. Honestly, I don't see why you have the compulsive need to look down on those who live in filth or are lesser than you, because even after all I've been through, I don't have this instinct. Perhaps that is why I'm going to lose what I have soon, or worse. All for eugenics. All for eugenics.

there is no hope said:

You show that you consider me invalid and subhuman and that you probably wish I were starving in honeysuckle.
Soon enough you will get your wish.
There is no perspective, only what is correct.
Just remember that you got out because you stepped on others in your home country. You may forget that, those on the bottom won't.

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I think you are making assumptions...

And these comments are not nice.

Really though, the point I was making was a personal one.
I've been told by others where I belong all my life.
I fight them and insist I belong elsewhere, that I deserve to be a person. Others disagree, and clearly see me as subhuman and worthy of mockery.
My life circumstances and that of my family are likely to change in the near future, because I failed to play the game required to advance in this society. And yes, I was explicitly told by someone with the power to impose something on me where I "belong" in their eyes - in an institution. That I got out of that is sheer luck and can be revoked at any time.
Why would I impose on myself a sense of belonging anywhere? I am where I am, and in that regard, if I were somewhere else all I can do is adapt. If that means being in some impoverished part of the world, in one of the worst parts of town, on the street, in a concentration camp awaiting extermination, or trapped in a mental hospital with no rights whatsoever - after thinking about where I can be, I have no desire to think about where I "belong". All I can think about is that there are some things in the world which just shouldn't happen, not just to me but just shouldn't happen at all. Getting browbeaten by an ignorant social worker looking for a bonus and forced into a hazardous situation is one of those things that should not happen, and the only reason I got out for now is luck.

I have been threatened with worse fates all my life, and the last one I mentioned is a very real and dire fate I may face, one against which I have no defense should someone really want to push for it. When you think about that, such a silly concept of belonging anywhere becomes quite irrelevant.

Yes, I'd probably think differently if I lived my entire life in abject poverty and had to bathe in polluted water. What I think isn't really relevant here.

Nicolelt said:

there is no hope said:

You show that you consider me invalid and subhuman and that you probably wish I were starving in honeysuckle.
Soon enough you will get your wish.
There is no perspective, only what is correct.
Just remember that you got out because you stepped on others in your home country. You may forget that, those on the bottom won't.

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I think you are making assumptions...

And these comments are not nice.

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Oh grief.. this is what I was hoping to avoid when I tried to end it before a mod stepped in or someone got hurt somehow..
I have never thought anyone to be subhuman and invalid, I would never wish that sort of thing on anyone. I'm a student from a working class background. My family now live in my home country, we are no longer migrants, and when we were, no one stepped on anyone to get anywhere- I have been one of 'those on the bottom'.
And sorry, but humans don't have a hive mentality; everyone will have their own individual perspective. What's correct is often subjective.

there is no hope said:

There is no reason whatsoever for anyone in the world to live in that kind of poverty, and you're part of the problem because of your belief system. I know I can't solve it and I'm fighting against a beast that can't be slain - but the beast isn't ignorance, nature, or fate, it's the willful desire and the need to see others are lesser by those with power. I am still guilty because I am apathetic. Honestly, I don't see why you have the compulsive need to look down on those who live in filth or are lesser than you, because even after all I've been through, I don't have this instinct. Perhaps that is why I'm going to lose what I have soon, or worse. All for eugenics. All for eugenics.

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I don't look down on anyone and I don't believe anyone is 'lesser' than me. As for the rest of it.. :/

there is no hope said:

Really though, the point I was making was a personal one.
I've been told by others where I belong all my life.
I fight them and insist I belong elsewhere, that I deserve to be a person. Others disagree, and clearly see me as subhuman and worthy of mockery.
My life circumstances and that of my family are likely to change in the near future, because I failed to play the game required to advance in this society. And yes, I was explicitly told by someone with the power to impose something on me where I "belong" in their eyes - in an institution. That I got out of that is sheer luck and can be revoked at any time.
Why would I impose on myself a sense of belonging anywhere? I am where I am, and in that regard, if I were somewhere else all I can do is adapt. If that means being in some impoverished part of the world, in one of the worst parts of town, on the street, in a concentration camp awaiting extermination, or trapped in a mental hospital with no rights whatsoever - after thinking about where I can be, I have no desire to think about where I "belong". All I can think about is that there are some things in the world which just shouldn't happen, not just to me but just shouldn't happen at all. Getting browbeaten by an ignorant social worker looking for a bonus and forced into a hazardous situation is one of those things that should not happen, and the only reason I got out for now is luck.

I have been threatened with worse fates all my life, and the last one I mentioned is a very real and dire fate I may face, one against which I have no defense should someone really want to push for it. When you think about that, such a silly concept of belonging anywhere becomes quite irrelevant.

Yes, I'd probably think differently if I lived my entire life in abject poverty and had to bathe in polluted water. What I think isn't really relevant here.

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Your personal point was fine. Everyone here are fighting battles that the others don't know about, or sometimes understand. All I was saying is that you are making assumptions about Aisha.

It sounds like people like to walk all over you and tell you like it is, and force you to just accept it. Sorry to hear that.

Going back to the OP, I think maybe blumar should maybe travel a little bit. And not vacation, but become apart of the culture in some place and see if she fits in.

there is no hope said:

Really though, the point I was making was a personal one.
I've been told by others where I belong all my life.
I fight them and insist I belong elsewhere, that I deserve to be a person. Others disagree, and clearly see me as subhuman and worthy of mockery.
My life circumstances and that of my family are likely to change in the near future, because I failed to play the game required to advance in this society. And yes, I was explicitly told by someone with the power to impose something on me where I "belong" in their eyes - in an institution. That I got out of that is sheer luck and can be revoked at any time.
Why would I impose on myself a sense of belonging anywhere? I am where I am, and in that regard, if I were somewhere else all I can do is adapt. If that means being in some impoverished part of the world, in one of the worst parts of town, on the street, in a concentration camp awaiting extermination, or trapped in a mental hospital with no rights whatsoever - after thinking about where I can be, I have no desire to think about where I "belong". All I can think about is that there are some things in the world which just shouldn't happen, not just to me but just shouldn't happen at all. Getting browbeaten by an ignorant social worker looking for a bonus and forced into a hazardous situation is one of those things that should not happen, and the only reason I got out for now is luck.

I have been threatened with worse fates all my life, and the last one I mentioned is a very real and dire fate I may face, one against which I have no defense should someone really want to push for it. When you think about that, such a silly concept of belonging anywhere becomes quite irrelevant.

Yes, I'd probably think differently if I lived my entire life in abject poverty and had to bathe in polluted water. What I think isn't really relevant here.

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I understand why you feel defensive, and I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you've faced in your life, I did not mean to make any personal presumptions about you, what I said was directed towards highlighting the contrast that exists in the world even today. It's something I feel strongly about and something I think people should be aware of.
I hope things improve for you and you find yourself in a better situation soon.

blumar said:

Does anyone else feel as though they are just in the wrong place? I've lived in California all my life but lately I just feel that I don't belong. As though I should have uprooted and landed in some other state or country. I feel out of place; people are moving and working in concentric circles around me, never to intersect. Like a nightmare where you scream out loud at the frustration of your life and no one hears you.

Then I quietly wonder to myself what would be the downfall of leaving? I'm lonely here, it would be the same there (where ever "there" is). But then again "here" is reality. Here is where I am a responsible adult with a career and two friends. Here is where the bills are mailed - my comfortable and mundane existence. Am I alone in this? Or, is my fantasy one of "the grass is always greener..." Just wondering.

Click to expand...

Hmm this is a bit difficult to answer. I can't talk for your case, but I felt that way in the past (and I feel that way now too... but that's a story for another time). In my case I too thought I was feeling out of place and, since I had the possibility at the time, I moved to another hmm region. It did help me actually, but I realized it was never about the "state" (or "country") in the first place, it always was (and still is) about people.
I still feel bitter at times at the lack of people I can feel comfortable being with.

---The following is based on the impression I got from reading the post and as my intent is not to offend, but just to understand your case better, feel free to ignore it ---
However I may be wrong but what I feel from the "tone" of your post is that you actually feel weary of the quotidianity of your life and wish for things to be different, and which way could be better than moving? So you think about moving and all the possibilities, but then you stop when you realize what you have now, and ask to yourself "would it be worth it?"
If this is the case I bet almost everyone has felt this way at least once, if it makes you feel better. Let me know if I'm wrong.

Location can make a difference but the biggest difference comes from within yourself. First change yourself and if that doesn't work then change your location.

blumar said:

Does anyone else feel as though they are just in the wrong place? I've lived in California all my life but lately I just feel that I don't belong. As though I should have uprooted and landed in some other state or country. I feel out of place; people are moving and working in concentric circles around me, never to intersect. Like a nightmare where you scream out loud at the frustration of your life and no one hears you.

Then I quietly wonder to myself what would be the downfall of leaving? I'm lonely here, it would be the same there (where ever "there" is). But then again "here" is reality. Here is where I am a responsible adult with a career and two friends. Here is where the bills are mailed - my comfortable and mundane existence. Am I alone in this? Or, is my fantasy one of "the grass is always greener..." Just wondering.

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YES YES YES!!! And YES AGAIN! I felt like I was in the wrong place, and I always felt strongly that it wasn't just me, that I was in the wrong place and I wanted to go and find the right place! I had a career that other people would have thought standardly good, I had family, etc., but it was all wrong for me! And my partner said you just don't know how to be happy, you can't be happy, it's just how you are. He really didn't believe in me.

I had to move to a different state for about a year, and my experience was better enough that I knew I was right. I had to go back to California, but I swore I'd leave again for good, and I did. I'm still lonely, I only have 1 friend now, but I'm so much better off here. Of course Stonely is right that what matters is what is within yourself. But I couldn't even get to that because it was so overshadowed by my ill-fitting life.

I am a strong believer in environment as a large factor in happiness, both physical environment and cultural. This is really an issue I feel close to. If you want to talk more about it, feel free to PM me.

I'm very responsive to the notion of being 'out of place'....it's even a regular thematic element in my dreams.

I was born and grew up an ex-pat, a USA citizen living in the UK colony of Hong Kong. Those were the best years of my life and every other place I've lived: Hawaii, California, New York and now Nebraska, are just "places I've lived"....not my home.

But I'm not a Hong Konger anymore and the place is changed from the colonial backwater I used to know, anyway.

So what's left? I know that wherever I go, I'm still going to be me so I may as well make the best of what I've got to work with
where I am now.

Having said that, the previous comments on this thread apply: life in a failed state or a country at war or some other extremity do make a huge difference....I'm going to be grateful my loneliness and out-of-place problems are comparatively trivial.

Wayfarer said:

blumar said:

Does anyone else feel as though they are just in the wrong place? I've lived in California all my life but lately I just feel that I don't belong. As though I should have uprooted and landed in some other state or country. I feel out of place; people are moving and working in concentric circles around me, never to intersect. Like a nightmare where you scream out loud at the frustration of your life and no one hears you.

Then I quietly wonder to myself what would be the downfall of leaving? I'm lonely here, it would be the same there (where ever "there" is). But then again "here" is reality. Here is where I am a responsible adult with a career and two friends. Here is where the bills are mailed - my comfortable and mundane existence. Am I alone in this? Or, is my fantasy one of "the grass is always greener..." Just wondering.

Click to expand...

Hmm this is a bit difficult to answer. I can't talk for your case, but I felt that way in the past (and I feel that way now too... but that's a story for another time). In my case I too thought I was feeling out of place and, since I had the possibility at the time, I moved to another hmm region. It did help me actually, but I realized it was never about the "state" (or "country") in the first place, it always was (and still is) about people.
I still feel bitter at times at the lack of people I can feel comfortable being with.

---The following is based on the impression I got from reading the post and as my intent is not to offend, but just to understand your case better, feel free to ignore it ---
However I may be wrong but what I feel from the "tone" of your post is that you actually feel weary of the quotidianity of your life and wish for things to be different, and which way could be better than moving? So you think about moving and all the possibilities, but then you stop when you realize what you have now, and ask to yourself "would it be worth it?"
If this is the case I bet almost everyone has felt this way at least once, if it makes you feel better. Let me know if I'm wrong.

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You're right. The fantasy of packing up and shipping off to a new place of adventure is an easy thought endeavor. It's the reality of knowing that if it were to happen, what would I be striving for at this point in my life? The answer being what I have now (minus the loneliness, of course). And that's the rub - I'm right back where I started. Maybe I won't ever move, maybe that will change later in my life. Either way, thanks for the input!

I feel like I'm on the wrong planet.

The only thing that feels right about where I live is that I can accidentally leave my wallet on a public table and come back to find it untouched. Never had a dropped item not turn up in a lost and found, either. For all their faults, at least people are honest with possessions.

Agreed with Nicolelelt, though--people have done stranger to get away from a place that isn't making them happy. A change of scenery is no more immature or extreme than a career change.