Learning To Feel Again

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Sometimes

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I really spent alot of effort as I was growing up, learning how not to feel anything. After so many years, I got really good at it. Total blank. Except that Anger would come out every now and then.

Why is it that anger builds up and explodes, but Joy never builds up and explodes? I'd like an answer for that one.

Anyhow, I've been learning to feel again, and gee, guess what, that means being willing to feel pain. Huh. Gotta take it slow.

Any one else doing this or has done this, learning to feel again? If so, what was it like for you?
 
Sometimes said:
Why is it that anger builds up and explodes, but Joy never builds up and explodes? I'd like an answer for that one. Any one else doing this or has done this, learning to feel again? If so, what was it like for you?

LOL!!

Yes, for the past 10 years I have been under the thumb of an abusive boss. I learned not to feel because it would be too painful to be insulted. I learned to suspect everyone of trying to "get me" and never seeing how they were being kind (or thought they were being kind). Every time I felt joy in my workplace it was ruined by my boss... when he would do something to ruin it. I am learning how to feel, how not to be suspicious, how to be calm when a compliment comes my way.

It is tough, I am considering therapy.
 
Could you find a new job as well? Being in such an environment is clearly bad for you and for your self esteem. Therapy may help, but leaving an abusive workplace would be even more helpful.
 
Sometimes said:
I really spent alot of effort as I was growing up, learning how not to feel anything. After so many years, I got really good at it. Total blank. Except that Anger would come out every now and then.

Why is it that anger builds up and explodes, but Joy never builds up and explodes? I'd like an answer for that one.

Anyhow, I've been learning to feel again, and gee, guess what, that means being willing to feel pain. Huh. Gotta take it slow.

Any one else doing this or has done this, learning to feel again? If so, what was it like for you?


For some reason, I've always thought it was a good thing not to feel pain, especially recently. But, when I come across people like that I think I'm better off when I do infact feel. Emotions can be exhausting but it's one of the little things I appreciate, I don't know why though.


LonelySutton said:
Sometimes said:
Why is it that anger builds up and explodes, but Joy never builds up and explodes? I'd like an answer for that one. Any one else doing this or has done this, learning to feel again? If so, what was it like for you?

LOL!!

Yes, for the past 10 years I have been under the thumb of an abusive boss. I learned not to feel because it would be too painful to be insulted. I learned to suspect everyone of trying to "get me" and never seeing how they were being kind (or thought they were being kind). Every time I felt joy in my workplace it was ruined by my boss... when he would do something to ruin it. I am learning how to feel, how not to be suspicious, how to be calm when a compliment comes my way.

It is tough, I am considering therapy.

I fully agree with Tiina63, your work enviroment is unhealthy. Go for the therapy, it'll do you good. And I think if it weren't for unknown circumstances you probably would change jobs, I assume? All the best with your outcome.
 
Tiina63 said:
Could you find a new job as well? Being in such an environment is clearly bad for you and for your self esteem. Therapy may help, but leaving an abusive workplace would be even more helpful.

Sorry, not to make this all about me but in January I did get a great new boss. He is kind, normal, and sane. Unfortunately for him, I am spastic, overwrought, semi nut. It is hard to let go of learned behaviors that have been in place for 10 years. I suspect in about 5 years I might be back to who I was, but it is extremely tough at the moment.

I feel like only now I see how it affected me. For instance I feel a little bit more like dating and flirting now. Before the pall of him -- even at work -- if the people was outside of work, was enough to make me not want to pursue things. I knew I would just end up complaining or subjecting them to him either indirectly though complaining or otherwise. I didn't want to be too friendly at work because eventually my boss would ruin relationships with them. One time I went out with a guy I work with - with other work friends and the next day my boss got him in major trouble. Clearly there was a pall of distrust after that from my boss that leaked off on me. We are friendly now but I feel like we are rebuilding our relationship because we both feel safe in reaching out (and before you all get excited this guy is married and about 20 years older than me) but, I still value good friends.
 
Good onya, LonelySutton, getting away from your lunatic boss. Here's to feeling again, and feeling good.
 
Joy definitely explodes. Mostly it's me gibbering stupid honeysuckle in chats and using too many emotes.

:3:3:3:33333asfl

I'm still getting used to being able to feel that, though. The pain was always there, but there were things blocking my sense of joy and ability to connect to others beyond simply being an outsider.
 

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