Mood Swing

I struggle against the expectation of inevitable misfortune. That no matter what I do, something bad will manifest itself. Been like that all my life.

The term self fulfilling prophecy occurs to me, also victim mentality. Fair enough, so I think ahead, learn from my mistakes, try to do better.....and with some success.

But.....there always to seem a "but".....I have not ever enjoyed my life.....maybe for a week or two, here and there.....but pleasure always leaves too early and the awkward, blundering mistakes happen and suffering ensues again.

All my life I've been the family servant, the youngest boy, the one who does the dirty work, who cleans up other peoples' messes, the sympathetic ear who listens to their complaints, the cook, the errand boy. And for what? Dad tolerated me, like the 'bad penny' that always turns up. Probably 'cause I was doing his job. Then there were two older brothers who arranged to leave home for grandma's house and boarding school....THEY escaped.

And me? I chose to accept the caregiver role, looking after my mood disordered mother, which I still do. And for 40 years, dad expressed contempt for me. Which I lived with.

Well nobody ever looked after me. And I have some mood swing issues too. To say nothing of getting sick and tired of this whole ******* mess.

Bit of a rant I'm doing here. So be it.

As someone who has been through a parallel life quite similar to yours. I understand completely what you are ranting about CS. I currently am the ear, the caregiver, the mum, the let me take your woes on to cause I don't seem to have enough of mine already person in the family. (For the record I suffer from clinical depression and take meds for my condition.)

I have learned through therapy and my own aha moments that saying NO while at first can be taken with disdain by the parties involved has managed to get me to a place where I can balance the needs of many but still keep my sanity.

Sure I have days where I am utterly defeated, fed up, tired etc. But through my tools that I have learned. I meditate,and do this quite often. I have a sanctuary in my home that no one is allowed into. I have found great joy in my gardening and crocheting or quilting. They are now times when I tell the world to piss off..

I can say no to family, for instance I see they have phoned but decided to not answer the call. Or one of my younger brothers bothers me to help with my parents I tell em to figure it out themselves. I quite frankly tell em that mum and dad are your mum and dad and I cannot and will not do everything anymore. Was it hard you bet it was, does it make for some touchy family discussions, you bet it does too.

However, I have managed to weather the " gawd you are such a b*tch" and let it slide off my shoulders. I have had to or I would not be writing this right now, cause frankly a few years back I attempted and wanted to pack it in.

My therapist said " you cannot help others, if you can't help yourself first."

CS its real hard to just say no, but for your own mental health you have to. Are you able to get a health care professional once a week or month to help with your mum. To give you, sometime off? It is just a thought to give you a rest.

I would also be blunt with your siblings, that you should not have to do this all yourself and they need to step up. Who knows they might help pay for a caregiver for your mum if they not close.

You need to take sometime to yourself, rant on the net, jog outside naked if you like. But you need to do it now, life's to short and it can and is over whelming the best of times. Time for CS to have his own mental health days..

Hope, I have made some sense and please if you need an ear or a writing buddy feel free to contact me. I am not the smartest woman in the world but I can offer my eyes and thoughts to you.. Brightest of Blessings to you sir..

It's jolly good of you to reach out and share this, A! Thank you!

And it's good advice too....I reckon I needed someone to say it to me. :club:

The home care thing is something I've considered....in order for it to work effectively, I'll need Mom's willing co-operation, so I'm working on influencing her toward thinking it's actually her idea. A weekly visit by a nurse to check, BP, meds, weight, diet, sleep and eating habits etc. should be the way to start.

I don't have any advice to offer but I'll say it's amazing how parents can have such a negative effect on one's life. My parents weren't particularly qualified for that role but they somehow wound up with me and 4 brothers. All of us live at least 1,000 miles away from my mom - probably not a coincidence. My dad moved to Asia.
My mom has mental issues and I wouldn't be too happy with being her caregiver. So kudos to you for taking that role. I'm sorry to hear that you've given so much of yourself with little in return.

-Teresa

You know the mood swing issue may be because of influence from your mom. It may not be organic to yourself but rather environmental. Something to keep in mind.

Thank you for sharing, SM!

Monk, I think you're probably right about the environmental thing. I'm still amazed to meet families that are actually functional without hurting each other somehow, even unintentionally.

When I get out of the house for public service tasks or beekeepers club meetings, it's actually pleasant to be me. Oh wow,that really sounds weird but that's how my experience of living is.

constant stranger said:

When I get out of the house for public service tasks or beekeepers club meetings, it's actually pleasant to be me. Oh wow,that really sounds weird but that's how my experience of living is.

Click to expand...

Why do you think that is weird?

I was one of those people who 'got away' myself, like your brothers in a way. Leaving the place I grew up was probably the best thing I ever did.
My parents were never abusive and I do miss them sometimes and don't see them too often, but there are just so many memories back there. Not really many good ones. I couldn't see myself still living there. I just don't think it is possible. If it were I'd probably have gotten into drugs or alcohol or something, or who knows what. I had a chance for a 'normal' life and took it. I may sometimes question why now... but looking back it was better than the alternative.

In your situation it seems you felt obligated to stay. You put up with things that no one should really ever have to endure. From my perspective, I can't see why you even go back home at the end of the day. Getting out to do stuff like that would be a blessing. I can't see how that is weird at all. Going back home afterward is the part that seems weird to me.

We all have our own burdens, though. We each carry them differently.

You make some good points DM! Why do I stay and keep on being Mom's nurse and so much else? I suppose it's to finish a journey that I started, to not leave a task unfinished that I accepted as mine, because it's actually part of my identity.

She's 91 (and BTW in the hospital right now for observation) and what am I going to do when she's gone?
I imagine I'll need somebody else to take care of.....

Think it's possible there's a single mother out there somewhere who could use a man to help? A guy who owns a farm and a 12 acre rural acreage with a small apple orchard, veggie garden and 4 honeybee hives?

I could maybe put an advert in the newspaper.....