Uncomfortable single situations

So I had one around a large dinner table with some strangers. It went like this; one girl shows another a picture of her boyfriend then another starts 'show me!' Soon the whole table is pulling out pictures on their phones of their respective partners. It inevitably leads to the explanation that you don't have a partner. All the while the teasing of each other's respective partners was going on, I had a horrific sense of emptiness that most people have normal lives and partners seem magnetised to them like its fate or something. I hate the feeling of inadequacy that in that particular moment I was caught in weakness and the first feeling was that of failure.

Have you ever had a crappy feeling such as this in a similar situation? I want to mope if there was way to prevent feeling this way?

The grass is always greener. Having a partner is stressful because of the potential conflict, the compromise required, the vulnerability and the loss of freedom. Some people with partners envy single people for having more peace and quiet, being able to do their own thing, being less exposed to mistreatment and having greater freedom to shape our own lives. We're dog-trained in childhood to think of having a partner as some kind of ideal, but it's a long way from being ideal. People with partners have their share of problems too and often don't appreciate the good things they get from having a partner, because sometimes they take those things for granted.

If you think about things the way I just said them, you could hurt less about loneliness and be more confident. But there are no guarantees.

I think that although relationships can sometimes be problematic, for most people the desire for a close relationship is a very strong and also very natural desire. I don't think that many people in relationships would chose to be forever single, even if they may be unhappy in their present relationship.
OP-I feel the emptiness you mention most of the time. Am not sure if there is a way to prevent feeling this way. Maybe it would be better to accept the feelings and maybe use them to propel you into looking for a relationship or for something else which you may find fulfilling.

It's true what you're saying Mickey and I think it comes down to the fact that us humans most times want what we don't have. Like when you're single you want a relationship, and when you're in one you want to be single.
But I get where Wanderer145 is coming from. Especially if it's been a while that you've been single, or even worse, been single forever. You really can't help but feel like life is passing you by. You can't help but wish for those feelings that those who are in relationships are feeling.
Though, Wanderer145, those feelings shouldn't be of failure. Failure of what?

To answer your question, for the longest time i've been in such situations that it isn't a situation anymore, it's a norm. How sad.
How to prevent feeling this way? "One day. patience is what most of it takes". This helps only on occasion.

You're both right that it can hurt like hell to be alone and that it can feel like you're losing the best years of your life and missing out on something you can't replace. But by the time you're 50 years old like me, you get pretty comfortable in your own skin and it has stopped hurting and you start thinking that maybe you were lucky that things turned out the way they did. I'm not smart enough to figure out whether my 25-year-old self was right or my 50-year-old self is right about this. I just know that my current attitude makes me feel much better and I have less distress and feel like I have fewer problems because of being single.

In the group of friends I'm a part of every person is either married, engaged, or in a long-term relationship. It's kind of weird sometimes but they never are pushy with me about it. They were really supportive of me when a really promising romantic situation completely fell apart and like I said they don't seem to treat me like a lesser person for it at all. That said there is definitely a disconnect at times through no fault of anyone's own. The only time I feel weird is that there have been times where someone has just casually brought up the idea of me dating someone and there's this weird little awkward silence, like maybe they're just worried I'll feel bad(which I won't), or what my subconscious fears which is that everyone just kind of 'knows' that it's not going to happen.

I wouldn't mind being single if it wasn't for decades at a time. Even if I do find someone soon I've missed most of that opportunity for a passionate youthful romance, and will never be able to look back on it or really relate to it. Oh well.

This happens to me in work, mostly colleagues sharing stories about their kids, or holidays with friends/partners or something along those lines. I'm often just stood there silent with no such stories, if the attention does shift to me I'd just make some crappy jokes about it all, but I don't find it funny, really.

Wanderer145 said:

So I had one around a large dinner table with some strangers. It went like this; one girl shows another a picture of her boyfriend then another starts 'show me!' Soon the whole table is pulling out pictures on their phones of their respective partners....

Have you ever had a crappy feeling such as this in a similar situation? I want to mope if there was way to prevent feeling this way?

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Yeah, it's as if their partners are ******* accessories or something. Tell me something about yourself, not the guy you've broken up with and gotten back together with 7 times in the past three weeks.

It's too bad people aren't able to relate to others they don't know very well. Whatever happened to talking about sports or the weather or light topics instead of who everyone's partner is?

Sorry, you hit a nerve with that one

-Teresa

This happened all the time when I had friends. I was always the one in the group who didn't have a girlfriend. I remember the last time I had to deal with it. It was a few months before I ended my friendship with my best friends of almist 20 years. I wen to dinner with them and their girlfriends, it was a dinner to meet one of my friends new girlfriend. 5 of us there so naturally I was the odd man out. One of my friends raised his glass and mad a toast. For some reason it made me snap and I declined to raise my glass. After that night I got sick of being in that situation and decided to end the friendship and go on with the rest of my life without friends. Best decision ever, no more situations like the one you described.

To most of these people though dating and who they're with is just a part of life. And a pretty major one at that, especially if you're long-term dating or married/engaged. If you wound up with a partner, wouldn't you talk about it and share it with your friends? I know I would.

I don't have a problem being single. But occasionally when I see posts like this, or see couples I know getting married or engaged, or when people point out that I *should* want to be in a relationship, I do foolishly wonder if perhaps I am lacking something- if insecurity about my single state is something I need to feel. Relationships brought with them their own troubles, and while it's sometimes wonderful having a someone, it's nice to not feel vulnerable and open to being hurt by trusting implicitly in someone else. Having said that, in situations like the one you described it can be a little difficult when someone not just asks you about your lack of a partner, but insists on prolonging the questioning long enough to make things uncomfortable. Those relations of pinocchio just don't know when to quit.
Don't feel inadequate. You are not a failure, you are completely normal. You can't measure your worth through someone else. You're your own person and not having a partner doesn't lessen that in anyway.

RodMark said:

To most of these people though dating and who they're with is just a part of life. And a pretty major one at that, especially if you're long-term dating or married/engaged. If you wound up with a partner, wouldn't you talk about it and share it with your friends? I know I would.

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I wouldn't if I knew it would make people uncomfortable. I don't talk about them anyway to anyone when I'm in a relationship. It's nobody else's business.

Wanderer145 said:

So I had one around a large dinner table with some strangers. It went like this; one girl shows another a picture of her boyfriend then another starts 'show me!' Soon the whole table is pulling out pictures on their phones of their respective partners. It inevitably leads to the explanation that you don't have a partner. All the while the teasing of each other's respective partners was going on, I had a horrific sense of emptiness that most people have normal lives and partners seem magnetised to them like its fate or something. I hate the feeling of inadequacy that in that particular moment I was caught in weakness and the first feeling was that of failure.

Have you ever had a crappy feeling such as this in a similar situation? I want to mope if there was way to prevent feeling this way?

Click to expand...

Loads of times something like that has happened to me. Please remember you haven't failed at anything, just not met the right person yet.

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mickey said:

The grass is always greener. Having a partner is stressful because of the potential conflict, the compromise required, the vulnerability and the loss of freedom. Some people with partners envy single people for having more peace and quiet, being able to do their own thing, being less exposed to mistreatment and having greater freedom to shape our own lives. We're dog-trained in childhood to think of having a partner as some kind of ideal, but it's a long way from being ideal. People with partners have their share of problems too and often don't appreciate the good things they get from having a partner, because sometimes they take those things for granted.

If you think about things the way I just said them, you could hurt less about loneliness and be more confident. But there are no guarantees.

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very good post.

I regret every feeble time I tried to find a girlfriend. I hate my old self for all those really miserable times and what I went thru. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to bother.

I used to have this issue on cruises. Now I only cruise on ships that have open seating for dinner. I can sit alone and eat in peace, although I inevitably get stares from others in the dining room since I'm usually the only solo diner. Too bad you can't eat at the bar. That's what I do when I'm out of town on business.

Triple Bogey said:

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mickey said:

The grass is always greener. Having a partner is stressful because of the potential conflict, the compromise required, the vulnerability and the loss of freedom. Some people with partners envy single people for having more peace and quiet, being able to do their own thing, being less exposed to mistreatment and having greater freedom to shape our own lives. We're dog-trained in childhood to think of having a partner as some kind of ideal, but it's a long way from being ideal. People with partners have their share of problems too and often don't appreciate the good things they get from having a partner, because sometimes they take those things for granted.

If you think about things the way I just said them, you could hurt less about loneliness and be more confident. But there are no guarantees.

Click to expand...

very good post.

I regret every feeble time I tried to find a girlfriend. I hate my old self for all those really miserable times and what I went thru. I wish I could go back and tell myself not to bother.

Click to expand...

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I agree with mickey too. Most times when I went out to meet someone when I tried online dating I would get a sinking, trapped feeling. Not sure why. Other than seeing people who seem to be happy with their partners, I'm doing all right being single. I can run my household the way I please and don't have to answer to anyone (except for my child but that's not quite the same). I think a lot of women look for partners for financial security. I'm fortunate that hasn't been an issue for me.

-Teresa

I've been in more awkward situations being with someone than I ever did being single.

A few years ago, I went to a friend's wedding alone. I was placed in a table full of people I didn't know (except her cousin and his wife who graciously let me carpool). They were all married. It was a very alienating experience. But I find it even more alienating to try to enjoy my time with single friends who constantly complain about being single. It feels personal, like they can't enjoy my company even though I was looking forward to seeing them. Then there are the family gatherings I'm sure most people are familiar with...

I think married people might envy single people for their freedom from time to time, but I doubt many of them would want to be single again.

9006 said:

This happens to me in work, mostly colleagues sharing stories about their kids, or holidays with friends/partners or something along those lines. I'm often just stood there silent with no such stories, if the attention does shift to me I'd just make some crappy jokes about it all, but I don't find it funny, really.

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Same. It's just like please don't turn my way or ask personal questions because you'll discover I don't have any stories to share and I'll feel completely useless.

Been there, done that.

"Hey we're doing a couples dinner night, do you want to...ohhhhhh, sorry..."
*Awkward cricket noises*

Having just emerged from a hellish ten year relationship - I wish I could hug every last one of you singletons who are desperate to find someone and say "it's ok"

Like most people say, the grass is always greener. I bet every single couple around that table envy the OP for his freedom - the fact that he can go anywhere and do anything, and talk to whoever he wants without having to consider someone else.

I genuinely believe you have to make the best of every situation - if you are in a relationship and envy singles, then arrange some time apart from each other so that you can have some "me time" and do what you want to do. If you are single then get on and enjoy the activities that will be harder to do once in a relationship. Take a course, a new hobby, travel somewhere interesting, the possibilities are endless. And when you are out and about, doing something you love with a big smile on your face, you'll be much more likely to bump into someone doing the same thing...you get talking and that's how friendships start, and maybe turn into something more.

Shiloh253 said:

Been there, done that.

"Hey we're doing a couples dinner night, do you want to...ohhhhhh, sorry..."
*Awkward cricket noises*

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I'm the opposite of that. Went out with friends who are also a couple without my guy. Never even thought about it. I just went without him.