I keep trying, and I keep failing, and I'm just weary.

I've been morose and depressed for most of my life, without much of a bright side or a period of happiness (or even lessened gloom ), and while I was in Nova Scotia, I kept trying to find some kind of happiness, either through relationships, hobbies, or friendships...and each and every one would fail, through abandonment by the others, collapse of the connection the hobby would give, or just silence from the ones I thought had become a friend. I finally gave up and went hermit for almost a decade in the boonies of northern N.S., and found myself going more than a little mad. Finally, I just gave up, packed up, and moved up here to Saint John, to be near the few old friends I still had. Now, my finances have collapsed into welfare (despite my ability to work, my severe epilepsy and the toxic amount of meds have made me medically unable to hold a job ) and most of the friends I had have either gone silent or simply moved away. I'm trapped again...and I'm weary of slogging along and falling behind, further and further. I am tired. Nothing works any longer, and my earlier attempts at suicide seem like first drafts of a good idea. To sum up...this entire life seems like a bad joke without a punchline, and I just want to take off the clown costume and leave the stage to silence.

Have you thought about an epilepsy support group or something like that? You could be around people who understand it and not have to worry about anything concerning that.

As for the job, have you considered work at home jobs?

I hope you can find what you need here, feel free to PM me if you ever need to get anything off your chest.

I've been in epilepsy support groups. They didn't help much. I'll check around for work from home jobs. I've never had one; it might help.

Fatigue takes a big toll as does your medical issues. Be kind to yourself.

delledonne11 said:

Fatigue takes a big toll as does your medical issues. Be kind to yourself.

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Fatigue is taking a bigger bite out of me than I thought possible, both physical and emotional. The epilepsy is just a sniper waiting for the kill shot; fatigue is the constant bombardment from artillery. I need about 3 weeks off from being me, preferably with someone who gives a ****. Being kind to myself hasn't helped (I've been told that before ,delledonne11 , and I did try. ).

I know. There is no "advice" that I can give you that you don't already know. But, there are nice people here and hopefully at least talking to us will help.

Things are failing again. I need to move with almost no money (my landlord is abandoning the building ), I can't fix my welfare screw ups without my previous doctor's records and I can't get in touch with her (her phone number in Nova Scotia is dead), and I'm sinking further and further into hopelessness. I may end up homeless on the street, and from there, just walking into the Bay of Fundy until I'm gone seems like such an attractive solution, I'm almost sorry that I started this discussion. My life is sinking quickly, and I'm feeling like just giving up, and letting it sink.

Do they not have homeless shelters up there? I know it's not the most appealing choice in the world, but it's better than being on the street, if it comes to that.
As for the doc records, I'm not sure how it works up there, but there must be something you can do to find her or someone else who has the records. Is there a general health department you can call for advice or even some kind of legal aid?

Please don't give up, there's always something you haven't thought up.

I agree with Callie, do not give up, there's always a way....somehow. Don't let the darkness win!

Small bit of good news: I got in touch with Dr. Kaiprath's teachers/superiors at the NS College of Physicians and Surgeons, and they confirmed that she was still in practice. They kicked her ass, then I called back. The twat and her hubby were all nicey-nice, and agreed to photocopy my records and forward them to my Social Assistance drone (for a fee, of course). Now, I'm just waiting for the SA drone to call me, so we can organize this game of ridiculous hackey-sack. Doesn't mean that there isn't a ton of honeysuckle left to shovel out of the way, or that something isn't about to collapse under the weight of its own stupidity, but there's an illusion of progress.

An illusion of progress is better than no progress. I'm glad you got some improvement and thank you for sharing it, boonieghoul.

Yeah, certainly was an illusion. New Brunswick social assistance doesn't recognize doctor's records from outside NB, so every record I have is useless. If I don't have a doctor, or that doctor isn't from NB, SA doesn't want to know about it. " It's provincial, not federal.", they whined. So, moving to New Brunswick basically negated my entire medical history, all 51 years of it. My case worker said that if we get this Gordian knot untangled, there will be a truckload of back pay deposited, but that doesn't help me now. I'm back in limbo, where apparently, I belong. I think, this weekend, I'll just go get so drunk, the alcohol (all by itself) will kill me.

boonieghoul said:

Yeah, certainly was an illusion. New Brunswick social assistance doesn't recognize doctor's records from outside NB, so every record I have is useless. If I don't have a doctor, or that doctor isn't from NB, SA doesn't want to know about it. " It's provincial, not federal.", they whined. So, moving to New Brunswick basically negated my entire medical history, all 51 years of it. My case worker said that if we get this Gordian knot untangled, there will be a truckload of back pay deposited, but that doesn't help me now. I'm back in limbo, where apparently, I belong.

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Wow, that doesn't even make sense. Medical history is medical history, I don't understand how it matters whether you got it in NB or if you got it from Mars. Sounds like your case worker is trying to help though.

boonieghoul said:

I think, this weekend, I'll just go get so drunk, the alcohol (all by itself) will kill me.

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I really hope you're kidding with this. But even if you are, it's not funny.

No, Callie, it doesn't make sense. It's as if everyone is speaking English, but no one is speaking the same language. Yes, I'm kidding about the alcohol poisoning. If I tried to drink that much, I'd pass out before I got anywhere near the toxic limit; the anti-epileptic meds intensify alcohol's effect. I literally can't drink myself to death.

(hugs)

I'm sorry for your pain.

Since I'm not from canada I can't think of resources that may help you.

I thought I had a success today, but it blew up in my face, just like everything else. A friend of mine was utterly convinced that her family doctor was taking new patients, and convinced me that it was a certain and sure thing: just call, and you'll have the doctor you need, and from there, it'll all lock into place. I took her at her word, and called ... and the doctor not only wasn't taking new patients, but didn't even recognize the friend AS a patient. Turns out that my "friend" is an idiot, and got my hopes up, and then just shrugged when that land mine went off. I just felt like picking that "friend" up and throwing her into afternoon traffic, but realized that it would be better to just accept the truth: no matter what I try to do, I'm going to fail. I'm cursed. Just wanted to lay that here, and then just crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep. Hopefully, I won't even wake up.

While this is just a idea it is by no means to make light of your dire situation. The thing the government hates more than anything is negative publicity. I am not sure what or if you have a reporter for the local news that investigates ill treatment of people whether by businesses or government. We have a couple here in Vancouver and I am always amazed at the things they get done for people. When its out in the open, including bills, needing doctors etc. Now I realize you might not want to publicly show what the government aka Medical association has done. But it is worth a try no? You have nothing to lose and who knows it might work. Just a thought. Bright Blessings

Thank you, Arachne. I'll see if there's a way your suggestion can be implemented. You're right; I have nothing to lose, and it might actually work. If nothing else, I'll have the pleasant feeling of knowing that I've given someone who screwed with me a miserable day or two. Spread the honeysuckle, and something might actually grow.

I tried, Arachne. It was an utter failure, mostly because the reporters I consulted have heard the tale far, far too many times, and have tried before, with zero results. I found myself sitting in the park, alone, feeling lower than I've felt for months. Again, I keep trying, and I keep failing, and I'm weary.