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TheRealCallie

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Okay, so I see a lot of people posting their positive traits here and wondering why they can't get what they want. But no one really looks at what might be the cause of their problems.
I do NOT mean this thread to be about focusing on negativity. What I feel people need is to recognize their unattractive aspects, because until you do that, you can't fix what's wrong and you can't change what needs to be changed.
So, here's a way for you to list off what you feel is wrong and maybe get some advice on how to change them into something positive.

Please don't be mean or disregard someone just because of what they say. We ALL have problems and we ALL could stand to work on self improvement.



Okay, I suppose I'll start with listing some of what I perceive are my problems....
-I have it in my head that I'm not as "pretty" as everyone else seems to think I am. I don't think I'm ugly, but I don't feel I'm pretty either.
-Sometimes, on rare occasions, I feel like I am not good enough (stemmed from past verbal abuse)
-I can be a worrier and get paranoid about some things.
-I have major trust issues.
-I feel as though I can't show "weakness." I don't cry in front of others and I don't show pain (physical or emotional). Like, if my knee is screwed up, I don't limp, I walk normally and suffer later in private.
There are others, but I don't feel comfortable writing them down.
 
Oh...where to begin.

Things that I would to improve :

1. I live too much in my head. I worry. I obsess. I wonder if people think about me when I'm gone. I wonder if people prefer when I am gone.

2. I can be too clingy. I am someone who can be all about one person, and never need anyone else when they are in my personal space. Super unhealthy.

3. I isolate, when I know that I don't have to go far to feel accepted by someone. When I moved in with my ex, I convinced myself I didn't need any other sort of relationships, because I was so close to him.

4. I don't respect my own personal space, by allowing others into it way too quickly.
 
Here are some I find that I really want to remove:
  • I assume the worst far often and really struggle to see the positive. As a result I find it very difficult to really enjoy something or focus on what I am doing at that moment. As a result I seem to find it difficult to have the energy to do much of anything
  • I am far to emotional. I was once told I wear my heart of my sleeve and I have to stop wanting to vanish, to this day I agree with that and see the persons point of saying that to me. I do not cry because I want sympathy but because I simply do not know what else to do, in fact I rarely cry in front of anyone but quite often my emotions will cloud my judgement or make assumptions for me which have made me not want to be with people.
  • I jump to conclusions way to often, especially in work, I assume people are talking about me and think the worse of me to the point where I will apologise for things that have not even happened. People at work used to mock me for saying "sorry" so much but I couldn't help it and found it hard to not.

One thing that makes me positive in all this is I recognise these faults, I want to fix them and I am trying very hard. As so many people have said the key to getting better is to understand what is wrong. I hope to do so.


AmytheTemperamental said:
4. I don't respect my own personal space, by allowing others into it way too quickly.

I have the opposite problem, it takes me a very long to trust people and honestly I am still unsure I trust anyone entirely aside from my mother.
 
- I'm too conscious about my physical appearance, in part because a got called names while growing up. I was called ugly many times and there's little I can do to fix that.

- I can't connect with people. 95% of the time I don't care what someone is saying. It all sound like numb, uninteresting ramblings and I can't make myself invested in what they have to say.

- I worry too much about how to interact with others. What words to use, what tone, what body posture, etc. I feel everyone is judging me subconsciously and making rationalizations to avoid me.

- It takes a lot to be able to say NO sometimes. I've learned to take a stand more now and do what I feel is better for me, but I still fear to drive people off by denying my help.

- I procrastinate a lot. Even right now :) It takes me extra effort to advance some projects. I can't simply find the motivation.

- I idiealize people too much. I imagine one day meeting this incredible person that will erase my feelings of loneliness. This person may exists or not, but I always feel I deserve a little more of what it's presented to me. Funny is they probably think the same when they look at me.
 
  • I put myself down at any given opportunity to keep me from becoming over-confident while everyone tells me I'm too level-headed to become arrogant and that I sell myself short all the time.
  • I got an aversion to people valuing me or caring about me which makes me push them away.
  • I make myself more ugly and repulsive than I actually am to keep people at a distance who'd only judge me positively for superficial reasons.
  • I emotionally suppress myself because I only trust that I make the right decisions when I'm absolutely rational.
  • I cannot forgive and I easily dismiss people ultimately, sometimes for rather mundane reasons.
 
Ok, here is mine.

I do not give myself a fair opportunity to deal with and interact with other people. I have a high combination of a lack of self-esteem, no confidence and I am extremely self-conscious. Strike one, strike two and strike three. My screen name is not BeyondShy just because I thought it would be a catchy name.

If people do not talk to me I feel that I have done something wrong. I always feel like I am the one who is to blame.

I tend to mistrust first and accept people second.

I have a very, very good memory and that is something that I would also include as something that is positive about me. But having a good memory allows me to remember everything that happened to me no matter how long ago it was. Something negative that happened to me ten years ago is still fresh in my memory.

Because of this good memory I hold grudges. You get on my bad side you are going to be there for a long time.

I over think things and I can even convince myself not to approach a blind girl to talk to her because I'll think she will suddenly regain her sight and tell me to move along.

I get mad when people assume things about me. When I have my head down in your presence I am not telling you to go away and leave me alone. I am telling you I am shy and it is bugging the hell out of me and I so much want to talk to you but I hold myself back. And when I hear from others that I am stuck up, or mean, or uninterested or whatever I get really upset with the other person.

I am sure this is an incomplete list.
 
- I tend to take on too much, when I should say, 'no'.
- Patience has never been one of my virtues.
 
I found this difficult as I've spent years in personal development and therapy and people I know just have no answer when I asked them this - on paper I'm doing pretty well. (apart from my recent stressed state). That's not to sound arrogant, it's taken me a long time and a lot of hard work.

But I guess what I need to improve on is the fact I invest far too much in far too few people. When those few people pull the rug from me as has recently happened, I tend to freefall into unpleasant feelings. Maybe I need to learn to invest a little in a lot of people, and let things grow from there, I thrive so much on deeper connections with other people, that I can find the initial stages of friendship or even relationships when they happen, a little shallow or not fulfilling my deeper needs and so have a tendency to give up.

I'm sure most people here can relate to struggling in groups, that's my own eternal struggle, I can easily connect with anyone 1 to 1, and I mean really almost anyone - but 2 or more people I struggle with as I guess I've never really learned how to be comfortable relating on that level - so if I do go a to a large group situation there will probably be lots of interesting people but I usually choose one I feel comfortable with and then stick with them for the whole thing, so reflecting what I initially said about investing too much in a few. Also if I go to a group and struggle I end up giving it up as a bad job because I haven't made any deeper connection but I guess I have to persist and wait for people to come to my level, I can't force them to come to mine straightaway but maybe they would in time if I could develop some patience.

Also I've developed a very successful shell, much of it is the real me, not a facade - but I have to acknowledge there is a small part of me whose self esteem was crushed for years by pretty much constant rejection and that is always going to be a thread that runs through me to some extent - and that I rejected myself for a very long time. I guess some of the time I pretend that thread isn't there, maybe acknowledging it more needs to happen.

And I suppose whatever it is I do on dating sites, that mean nobody ever replies. Maybe I come across in my messages as scary or a dick, people here could tell me if my posts come across that way without me realising, and I could learn what I'm doing wrong! Actually I know that's not true from what some people have said - so I don't know! I guess that's another thing, I try to look for things that are wrong that maybe aren't there, so I experience pure bad luck and then make up things to blame it on!

Thanks for this interesting thread it's really made me think!
 
I decided to condense my points. I think typing it all out like that was actually doing me more harm than good.

Anyway:

- I have always felt like I'm just not good enough for what I wanted. I have never been confident in my abilities or myself in any way. I have always been very conservative and risk-averse. I didn't try to stand out growing up because I didn't want to get picked on, when I should have expressed myself and if there was a problem I should have stood up for myself. I should have been more aggressive about going after what I wanted. I thought I didn't have good looks (though that has changed somewhat), I thought I wasn't very smart, not very creative, not very interesting, not gifted at all but just an average person at best and that I could never get good at anything including my interests. And of course, I've always felt like I'm not good enough for any girls, including the ones I've liked.

- I've always had a deeply pessimistic world view. I tend to dwell on what's wrong instead of focus on what's right, like I should be doing.

- I tend to not commit to things, again for the aforementioned points. I have been very lazy because I've felt that nothing I do will be good enough anyway, and because of that I've always felt low motivation and energy levels.

- I tend to over-share my problems. I've always been a big complainer. I tend to forget that people don't want to hear this because they don't want to be brought down.

- I've been too nice and too clingy to love interests. I had been afraid to disagree with them and I made myself too available to talk. I should have been doing things with my life so that I would have new things to share. Also, I have been unsure how to express sexual attraction like a gentleman instead of a creep, so I just don't express it at all.

- I have had a temper in the past and have let myself get dragged into arguments easily. Most of these arguments were unnecessary and I should have avoided them.

- I don't have much of an identity. I haven't built up much of a personality over the years, except that of a complainer like I mentioned. I don't have a lot of cool stories and I'm not particularly good at anything. Sometimes I feel like a blank, like I have no interests. When it came to the girls I liked, there was a lot I liked about them more than just their looks. I liked that they were interesting, exciting, fun to talk to and they had all kinds of stories. They were intelligent and had all this knowledge. They were creative and passionate and both deep and playful, and had a special liveliness to them. But I had not cultivated any of these traits in me.

That's about all I can think of for the time being, I'm sure there's more.
 
Nice thread, Callie. :) Guess this is my turn...

- I have massive issues around trust. Growing up I was let down in the worst possible ways by the people around me and I've come to expect being thrown under the bus again at any given time by any given person in my life.

- I'm extremely pragmatic, I tend to approach even the most emotionally volatile things from a place of cold logic.

- I invest too much of my time and energy in others, and end up feeling hurt when I (inevitably) don't get the same in return.

- I suppress a lot of anger and discontent. Sometimes I feel I like I have a thunderhead trapped inside me.

- I often feel I have to equivocate with the people in my life, even when they ask for honesty I hold back.

That's all I can think of for now.
 
EDIT: as Aisha pointed out, we should write also how we think we can improve, as this was the original purpose of the thread. So now I'll add it.

Ok.. here goes:

- I think I'm a ugly and a bad person, full of bad traits and with very few good ones;
-> maybe if I improve the rest I'd feel I'm a better person. No idea. I can improve my body by excersing: that might just boost my self esteem a bit.

- I am extremely lazy, tend to procrastinate, and consequently almost never do what I have to;
-> advice welcome here. I have tried many things. I guess with a lot of time and effort I could fix this.

- I am a worrier and often paranoid: I tend to assume the worst;
-> hm learning to trust myself and people more might solve this.

- Most of the time I "play" situations in my head, rather than in the real world. (This includes talking to people, at times)
-> ?

- I often think about death. Mine more often, but also that of relatives (which in some cases is bound to happen not so far in the future).
-> ?

- I have been a bad brother and a bad son. I can't talk with family and relatives... or rather I can talk to them, but not really communicate. At times I feel a stranger even when I'm in my family. But I do care (a lot) about them.
-> I need to find a way to open up to them, bit by bit, and probably I should also keep in touch more often.

- my so called "emotions" are either completely absent, or a jumbled mess. Thus I tend to rely on logic, but can (and did) ignore it at random.
-> ?

- I tend to isolate (in real life). People tire me and I can't seem to find a person who understands me more then a bit. I have a few friends and, I'm ashamed to tell this, I don't really like them, but they are the only ones I have and I can't afford to lose them.
-> ?

- I'm a realist in my opinion, but the truth is I'm actually a pessimist but an optimist in front of other people.
-> ?

- I tend to hide it when I suffer. I rarely allow people "near" me, meaning I tend to just "disappear" and then "coming back" when I'm ok;
-> ?

- I can't say no if people ask for a favour, even if I'm struggling with something else or I don't have the time. For this reason, many times people take advantage of me and my efforts go unrewarded (but alas! most of the time I don't even mind this, as I take pleasure in helping people. And this is bad too, because I don't want to help people just to feel better, as that would make me a selfish person)
-> I need to learn to say NO when I have to. Helping people must never be at my own expense and if done, must be done out out of altruism.

- I can't get angry when I have to. This is bad too because not only people exploit this trait of mine, but also when I get angry for real I release all the pent up anger (I'm told I'm pretty scary) and usually people would think I'm batshit crazy. My patience is my downfall..
-> I shouldn't let anger build up. I should learn to deal with it.

- I have some problems in socializing with people. Both in real life and online. This is mitigated a bit by the fact that I like people on instinct. This is a problem too, on the other hand, because I might get personal too soon and seem creepy. But well, if I don't like a person, I keep them as far from me as possible. I never am the first to talk to a new person in real life. I do answer if I'm asked things though. I can't flirt with girls, and actually I've never actively tried as I'm too shy and introverted and just thinking about it gets me panic attacks. I hate physical contact with strangers or people who are not friends (or family). I talk about personal things only to people I don't know irl. I always think about what people think about me.
-> Only time (and effort) will tell.

- At first, if I get to know a person I like by instinct, I idealize them too much, and it takes month (by experience) to stop this. Also, I become extremely clingy, and even jealous at times. Envy is possible too, but usually unlikely in this case.
-> I just need to rely less on empotions and more on observation.

- My memory is really bad, but for some reason I can remember mostly all bad things that happened to me and all insults, etc.. Because of this I hold many (lifetime) grudges with quite a lot of people. I am touchy and cranky.
-> I need to let bygones be bygones. I could try some excercises to improve my memory; might work.

- I tend to lose contact with people if I stop seeing them irl.
-> ?

- For some unknown reason, I tend to be "invisible" when in a group.
-> ?

- Apparently I'm a big complainer too. According to some I can criticize any thing in existence. And noone likes a person who complains most of the time, so I try to suppress this.
-> I need to avoid complaining if it's not strictly necessary or meaningful

- I have some issues with my "identity". I'm always redefining myself, or more in particular, testing my opinions, or getting new ones, if I realize some are missing for a particular topic.
-> ?

- I doubt myself. I doubt my thoughts. I doubt what I think are my thoughts. I think I doubt my thoughts XD You can see where this is going lol
-> ?

- at times I just hate myself
-> ?

- I am too direct and confrontational, but only with the people I care about. This however backfires quite some times.
-> this may be a bad trait on some occasions, but I don't want to get rid of it.

this is very far from being a full list... if other bad traits come to mind, I'll add them here. Oh and I actually improved a lot lately and so I didn't include some "old" ones.
 
I constantly feel like I'm ugly and sometimes I can overlook it if I try to shut the voices inside my head.

Often times I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone or any particular situation. A therapist once told me this is due to the verbal abuse and conditioning from my father from young. She also said that this is the core of all my issues in friendships and relationships and until I can work through it and get rid of it, there will always be some friction present.

I am mostly awkward/odd all my life and it has made people not able to connect/relate with me, and I've had those who did not want to be friends with me or disliked me due to this very reason. Though, I'm not sure how to improve something like this or if it even needs improvement. Is it wrong to be awkward/odd?

Sometimes my curiosity in people and things out of interest comes across as nosy. I'm just genuinely intrigued sometimes, even with the simplest of things. This sometimes causes annoyance in people and sometimes they give me a dirty look.

I have major trust issues and because of this, I do my best at not allowing for new and close friendships to form anymore. I feel like this would keep me safe.

I can't help but try to notice everything around in a new place or environment... sometimes this might annoy people with me at the time if I talk about it too much. Need to learn to keep it to myself. :\

Also, I can be quite indecisive.
 
I have big ambitions but a small brain. And add being lazy to that.

Also I like talking about things I don't know honeysuckle about, which is annoying for others, and makes me look like a fool. Just because I find something interesting does not give me the right to speak about it. In short, I'm the "advice" guy.

I'm rather self critical, but I don't listen to myself, and don't stop whatever I'm doing even if it's pointless.

I spend most of my time, just wasting time. Not doing anything productive or worthwhile.

I do things half-ways. Leave things half-finished.
 
I'm currently in a like/dislike relationship with this thread. I'm an acknowledge the worst, hope for the best kind of person. This thread is a little depressing.

TheRealCallie said:
I do NOT mean this thread to be about focusing on negativity. What I feel people need is to recognize their unattractive aspects, because until you do that, you can't fix what's wrong and you can't change what needs to be changed.
So, here's a way for you to list off what you feel is wrong and maybe get some advice on how to change them into something positive.

How about everyone starts posting how they think they can improve or how they're trying to change or fix those things they deem to be negative along with each point? This thread is called 'Self Improvement' after all, not 'What I think are my negative traits'.
 
Aisha said:
How about everyone starts posting how they think they can improve or how they're trying to change or fix those things they deem to be negative along with each point? This thread is called 'Self Improvement' after all, not 'What I think are my negative traits'.

That was my original intention when I started the thread. I guess I forgot to add that part in. Lol
 
This thread makes me feel angry - because a lot of what people list is very human - and also there are clearly some wonderful people here who have been hurt one way or another (I think) - whether that's by parents or society at large or other people. Yet they have turned that hurt in on themselves rather than push their hurt out into the world as many people do.

I really hope everyone can find ways to change these things listed, or at least feel better. You're all beautiful, you really are!
 
TheWalkingDead said:
This thread makes me feel angry - because a lot of what people list is very human - and also there are clearly some wonderful people here who have been hurt one way or another.

Sadly, is other people who decide if your humanity fits or not.
I also think that naming your shortcomings is a good start to evaluate what to do next. Saying it outloud (figuratively) makes us more aware of what we should do.
 
Xpendable said:
TheWalkingDead said:
This thread makes me feel angry - because a lot of what people list is very human - and also there are clearly some wonderful people here who have been hurt one way or another.

Sadly, is other people who decide if your humanity fits or not.
I also think that naming your shortcomings is a good start to evaluate what to do next. Saying it outloud (figuratively) makes us more aware of what we should do.

That isn't what I meant. It makes me angry at society and its ignorance, prejudice and oppression of difference, not the people in the thread or the thread itself.

Only each person can decide on their own humanity. The exteme of other people deciding if your humanity fits is ISIS, Hitler, and on a smaller scale the oppression of each individual in a conformist world. That status quo can never be challenged too much!
 
  1. I'm about 80lbs overweight with a face only a mother can love
  2. I'm completely socially inept at trying to talk to women
  3. I have a preconceived notion that no woman would want to date me, so why bother since it will certainly lead to rejection
 
ladyforsaken said:
I constantly feel like I'm ugly and sometimes I can overlook it if I try to shut the voices inside my head.

I'll have to try tell myself I look "okay" at the very least and not "ugly" whenever I see myself in the mirror or pictures. If I catch myself saying stuff like that, I will ... smack myself?

ladyforsaken said:
Often times I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone or any particular situation. A therapist once told me this is due to the verbal abuse and conditioning from my father from young. She also said that this is the core of all my issues in friendships and relationships and until I can work through it and get rid of it, there will always be some friction present.

This one's hard. The only way I can think about fixing this is to ignore these voices in my head telling me that I'm not good enough. Either that or combat those voices with saying that I'm as good as I can be and that's enough.

ladyforsaken said:
I am mostly awkward/odd all my life and it has made people not able to connect/relate with me, and I've had those who did not want to be friends with me or disliked me due to this very reason. Though, I'm not sure how to improve something like this or if it even needs improvement. Is it wrong to be awkward/odd?

I've mostly come to accept the fact that I am an oddball and that most people can't seem to be able to relate to me. What I do need to fix here, I guess, is feeling negatively about it. I should feel proud that I'm... different, I guess. No, not guess, I'm different and I'm proud of that. So people either take it or leave it, I'm cool about it.

ladyforsaken said:
Sometimes my curiosity in people and things out of interest comes across as nosy. I'm just genuinely intrigued sometimes, even with the simplest of things. This sometimes causes annoyance in people and sometimes they give me a dirty look.

I always tell people to just be themselves and if others can accept them for who they are, they'll accept even your quirky sides and not shun you for these things. So I will be myself, and keep myself in check with this. I suppose I will warn the other person to tell me to stop if I'm asking too many questions or observing too many things and if it annoys them, so I will know when to stop.

ladyforsaken said:
I have major trust issues and because of this, I do my best at not allowing for new and close friendships to form anymore. I feel like this would keep me safe.

Should this be fixed? Maybe part of it. I suppose I can allow for new friendships to form, but it will take a lot and quite some time for me to let them in. I think this sounds rather reasonable.

ladyforsaken said:
I can't help but try to notice everything around in a new place or environment... sometimes this might annoy people with me at the time if I talk about it too much. Need to learn to keep it to myself. :\

I think this ties in with the same solution I've come up about being myself but keeping me in check. Same thing here, keep people warned about my inquisitive and curious nature sometimes and to let me know if it's bothersome or annoying.

ladyforsaken said:
Also, I can be quite indecisive.

Ugh, this has been a problem all my life. I suppose the only way to deal with this is to just make a decision. Brrr.
 

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