Sitting on the beach, one flip of the coin away...

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boonieghoul

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Saint John, NB, Canada
Well, I came as close as I have ever come, in my entire life, to ending my life today. I walked down to the rocky coast of the Bay of Fundy, sat down upon a broken, abandoned brick wall, and stared out at the deep, inviting waters. The fog was rolling in, and it would not have taken much to just pick up a chunky length of building material, abandoned on the gravel and sand, and walk out until my chin was lapping water, then just fall forward and let the heavy piece of wall hold me down until I was done breathing.
I sat there for almost three hours, writing on the wall with a chalky rock, listening to the foghorn echo in the stillness, and deciding will I or won't I? Many things went through my mind: arguments for and against, thoughts about my situation, on and on. Finally, obviously (since these posts do not get posted by ghosts ), I dropped the rock, breathed deep of the cold Atlantic fog, turned away from the Bay, and came home. I decided to give this crappy life one more roll of the d20 dice, and see if there's a solution I haven't considered, a path I missed. I hope I can find it, because that beach is only a ten minute walk away, and now, I know the way.
 
I can feel your pain in that post. :( And there isn't much a total stranger could say that wouldn't be knee-jerk and cliche. But one constructive thing might be to talk out your problems here and see whether others can think of solutions for them that you've missed. I'm listening.
 
I second what Mickey has said.
And I am really glad that you have come back from the beach and have written to us here.
 
Welcome back from the beach :)
Like the others said, this forum is a great soundboard, if nothing else. There is always a way out of whatever problems you have found yourself in.
 
...fine. I'll just lay my problems down like blueprints, and we'll see if I've missed that small thermal exhaust port.
...first, I've been epileptic since the eighties, and have been on toxic levels of anti-convulsives since the multiple doctors simply gave up trying to figure out why all the other pills failed to work, and why despite multiple scans/tests/MRIs/etc.s, they could never find a physical scar or point of damage to explain it. The epilepsy makes me medically unable to work, so I haven't worked since roughly 1988, so my resume is laughable. I've been alone for many, many years, and utterly alone since 2009, when my last living relative, my mother, died in the bathroom of a stroke while I was banging on the locked door, trying to get in and help. Despite my efforts, I didn't suicide between 2009 and 2013. I finally had to sell my family home to pay the mortgage, and move up here to Saint John, where some of my friends are, just to be among friendly humans. They turned out to be less than friendly, and the move from province to province buried me in bureaucratic red tape and medical problems (specifically, no doctor and a labyrinth of provincial government bulldada to shovel). Despite two years of effort, I'm trapped in a house that is going to be abandoned by a "friend" who decided to just walk away and dump me, a financial situation that refuses to be fixed, a medical situation that gets less hopeful with every seizure, and a psychological situation that just sits on my soul like an elephant and waits for me to burst. I keep trying to find somewhere to go and something to do, and failing with both efforts. I've lost my secure home, my passion for anything good, and as each day passes, the point of staying on the stage and playing this game fades. I walk at night, a ruined insomniac, seeing nothing but an empty road and an inviting ocean, offering me a chance to take off this mask and this costume, and just walk away.
...so, where's the secret door I missed? Where's my happy? I don't see it.
 
All of this is bad, of course it is. There doesn't seem any point in trying to say otherwise. So, the only question is the one you've asked: Where's my happy?

I don't mean to be trite in making this answer. It's the one I'm betting my own life on. Purpose. From purpose you can get some happy. If you can find purpose then, there is one secret door that I believe in.
 
Sometimes said:
All of this is bad, of course it is. There doesn't seem any point in trying to say otherwise. So, the only question is the one you've asked: Where's my happy?

I don't mean to be trite in making this answer. It's the one I'm betting my own life on. Purpose. From purpose you can get some happy. If you can find purpose then, there is one secret door that I believe in.

While I agree that purpose is a good motivator, I feel acceptance is more important.
Accepting yourself and your situation and not letting it bother you quite so much. Only then, IMO, will you find your way out of the hole you have put yourself in. It will also help you find solutions to your problems.
 
boonieghoul said:
...so, where's the secret door I missed? Where's my happy? I don't see it.
They're your blueprints, don't you get to put that door anywhere you want? Where do you want it to be?
I don't think suicide is the logical answer to that question.
 
I'm glad to hear you turned away and came back from the sea.
I don't have any life-changing advice to offer. Hang in there. We're here to listen.

-Teresa
 
Sometimes said:
I don't mean to be trite in making this answer. It's the one I'm betting my own life on. Purpose. From purpose you can get some happy. If you can find purpose then, there is one secret door that I believe in.

...I've been keeping a hand written journal since a friend of mine, a lady with multiple personality disorder who went by the name of Maureen, gave me my first blank journal in 2000 and advised me to put everything, both the good and the bad, in there, for later perusal and consideration. Apart from all the trivia and day by day material, the one thing that keeps coming up, over and over again, for the last 15 years of journal, is lack of purpose. "Why bother? What's the point? Who benefits? Am I just following the program without thought?", and seemingly endless permutations of the same basic question fill the pages.
...Now, I'm here in Saint John, again at a dead end, without purpose, without a goal to work toward or a reason to continue. I don't want to just accept this, or shrug and just stop questioning all of this. I've needed a reason to do something, and I haven't had one. That's why I felt like just walking away from this situation. It can't be just some quasi-Zen almost Kurt Vonnegut "so it goes" bumper sticker idea.
...so I'm going to find one, and if I can't find a good reason to keep going, keep putting up with and fighting against this seemingly endless climb up a mountain of crap...well, then the emergency exit is always there.
 
In my experience, there are two ways to find purpose in your life.
One, discover who you really are and what you really want to do with your life. Live for yourself.
Two, live for others in order to make the world a better place, so that others may never go through what you have been through.

Maybe there are other means to find that way, but this is what I have seen for myself.
They are not mutually exclusive, either. You can pursue both if you choose to do so, living for yourself in certain moments but pursuing more long-term goals which are meant for others.

Discovery of yourself is quite easy, perhaps so easy it is often overlooked. You merely recognize what you like to do with your time, what you enjoy, and what your beliefs are. Sometimes those beliefs are not yet determined, so you discover and decide on them. It is an ongoing process, but many people seem to often put it aside in favor of being someone other people want them to be. These things will allow you to recognize your goals, your wishes, and your dreams. Your purpose. You cannot find yourself without finding purpose. Everyone has wishes and dreams, and each person is different in what they desire.
Once you have recognized yourself for who you really are, and given yourself purpose, it's then a matter of what steps to take first toward those goals.

Living for others is a harder path if you're not already attuned to it. You must learn to forgive people and put aside all the hate, anger, and disgust you have for others. You have to stop thinking only of yourself, which many people do not even realize they are doing, and to see things from other peoples' perspectives. You have to see things for what they really are and realize humanity's mortality and error, including your own mortality and your own error. By doing so you allow yourself to see the greater perspective of humanity, rather than the destructive path of those who are single-minded, of people who only think of themselves. A 'greater good' that can be attained. This drives forward a new purpose for yourself, because it is something greater than yourself and you become a part of that.

I apologize if that wasn't very helpful. It's just based on my own experience, and my own dealings with depression.
 
boonieghoul said:
...

Apart from all the trivia and day by day material, the one thing that keeps coming up, over and over again, for the last 15 years of journal, is lack of purpose. "Why bother? What's the point? Who benefits? Am I just following the program without thought?", and seemingly endless permutations of the same basic question fill the pages.
...

...so I'm going to find one, and if I can't find a good reason to keep going, keep putting up with and fighting against this seemingly endless climb up a mountain of crap...well, then the emergency exit is always there.

I struggle with so-what brain, which leads me to ask the same questions you've said here. Even though I am finally on a path of purpose, I still fall into these questions. I have to work hard to shut-up the so-what messages, but I can do it.

May I suggest as a starting point - if you can't find a way to make your own self feel good right now, make a purpose in making someone else's life just that little bit better, just one little bit. Commit to one each day. Random strangers even.

BTW, From my perspective, what DespicableMe says above is absolutely true. If I was any good at writing I'd have written that, too.
 
Although I know your questions are born of sadness, you raise some interesting existential questions. Sometimes makes some great points too.
"What the point? Am I just following the program?" I personally believe that there's not any special or meaningful point to my own life other than to maybe lighten the burdens of other people when I can (and to raise my kid to hopefully be a productive member of society). There's a lot of monotony, loneliness and boredom punctuated by moments of excitement, contentment, fear, etc. Since I don't believe in an afterlife, for me, this is all I have. But it is good enough. And good enough is just that - good enough.

-Teresa
 
Bonnie (because I'm guessing that's your name),

The things you describe yourself as lacking, such as good health, employability, human company, etc., are things we're Pavlov-trained from infancy to value so that we'll be motivated to perpetuate society and propagate the species. We all value those things because the brainwashing used on us is so effective, but they are OTHER people's things, not ours. And the fact is that we perpetuate society for the purpose of...well, perpetuating society! It's a totally self-serving hamster wheel with NO ultimate purpose. You've heard the cliche that the universe is vast and the earth is just a speck of dust? It's true. The things we're dog-trained to value are NOT any more valuable than anything else. Other things can be assigned value through mental reconditioning. I hope that can be a starting point for further thoughts on this issue.

Btw, if you ever met any evil piece of filth that were maliciously spiteful enough to allege that you've "put yourself in this situation," I would ignore them if I were you. It's obvious to anyone except Satan on earth that you are NOT to blame for your problems.
 
Your decision boonieghoul, as I understand it, is that you're postponing for now the final exit and are looking for a reason to continue struggling in this world.

How about inducing the medical community to take proper care of you? And just not giving up on it......shovel the bureaucratic crap and just make enough of a nuisance of yourself that you get the care that you need.....

Housing? I don't have answers for that or even the right questions to ask. Maybe some institution? A provincial or national entity? Undesirable and unenviable yes, but it has to be better than a sleeping bag in an alley.....

I'm sensing that looking after somebody else is a bit unrealistic for you, or finding some 'higher purpose' in the world....I'd say that just keeping your sights on forming a logistical living situation is plenty to have on your plate right now.

And yeah, the final exit is an option.....but not until there's no other alternative.
 
mickey said:
Bonnie (because I'm guessing that's your name),
...No, mickey, my name isn't Bonnie. "Boonie" is a reference to my spending a lot of my life living in the outskirts of a rural town in Nova Scotia, the "boonies", as it were.
The things you describe yourself as lacking, such as good health, employability, human company, etc., are things we're Pavlov-trained from infancy to value so that we'll be motivated to perpetuate society and propagate the species. We all value those things because the brainwashing used on us is so effective, but they are OTHER people's things, not ours. And the fact is that we perpetuate society for the purpose of...well, perpetuating society! It's a totally self-serving hamster wheel with NO ultimate purpose. You've heard the cliche that the universe is vast and the earth is just a speck of dust? It's true. The things we're dog-trained to value are NOT any more valuable than anything else. Other things can be assigned value through mental reconditioning. I hope that can be a starting point for further thoughts on this issue.
...all the points you make are well known to me. I've been studying these points ever since I first started reading Robert Anton Wilson's Illuminatus novels, and the novels and essays that these works point to. When I get obsessive, I get powerfully obsessive.
Btw, if you ever met any evil piece of filth that were maliciously spiteful enough to allege that you've "put yourself in this situation," I would ignore them if I were you. It's obvious to anyone except Satan on earth that you are NOT to blame for your problems.
Well, no, I'm not to blame for the medical problems. I grant you that.


constant stranger said:
Your decision boonieghoul, as I understand it, is that you're postponing for now the final exit and are looking for a reason to continue struggling in this world.

How about inducing the medical community to take proper care of you? And just not giving up on it......shovel the bureaucratic crap and just make enough of a nuisance of yourself that you get the care that you need.....
...being a pain in the ass used to be something I was very, very good at, constant stranger. I've been advised to just get a phone book and start calling doctors in Saint John from "A", and keep going until I find one that will accept me as a patient. That's something to do, at the very least.
Housing? I don't have answers for that or even the right questions to ask. Maybe some institution? A provincial or national entity? Undesirable and unenviable yes, but it has to be better than a sleeping bag in an alley.....
...I'm still digging. If I have to, I'll just abandon my geeky collection, pack up a backpack, and go on a walkabout, hitchhiking until I find a place that fits me better than Saint John does.
I'm sensing that looking after somebody else is a bit unrealistic for you, or finding some 'higher purpose' in the world....I'd say that just keeping your sights on forming a logistical living situation is plenty to have on your plate right now.

And yeah, the final exit is an option.....but not until there's no other alternative.
...True. Just finding a room, a bed, and a place to store some stuff; that will be tough enough. First, though...this weekend, I've got some personal stuff to deal with. That's an immediate must-be-done.
 
Took care of the personal problem. Now, after the long weekend, I'm going to put my full attention upon fixing the problems, instead of venting here about them. You all probably won't hear from me for a while, maybe until sometime in the fall. Time to let Gordon Lightfoot's superb inspirational song, "Canadian Railroad Trilogy", drive my hand and help me swing the hammer, building my railroad to a better day.
 
Still here. Financially, still uncertain, but no worse. Medically, I've had a couple of epileptic moments, nothing horrifying, but something less than jolly. Still no personal doctor, but given the backlog and the lack of doctors at hand, not awful. I had some bad times over November, but they didn't drive me back to the beach. I did give some thought to it, though. I'm just adding an update here, to let anyone that wanted to know: I had some good times over my birthday, over Hallowe'en, and a few moments with a friendly (but somewhat screwed up :) ) lady who loves weed and friendly talk. I'm hoping that Xmess isn't going to suck quite as powerfully as it has for the last while, and I'm generally holding up a Wile E. Coyote style sign that says " I'm not dead. See you in 2016".
 

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