Fear of being a burden

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ChocolateMoose

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I'm not sure exactly what caused my shyness and panic attacks, but sometimes it grows to a point where I'm afraid of talking to a convenience store cashier or a waitress. I think it stems from my fear of pestering someone by asking a question. People have gotten annoyed from my stuttering and panic attacks at school. Its either "learn how to speak properly" or "you're overreacting[/i]". I just need to find someone that I can relate to or won't judge my problems. I need some advice.
 
I still have this same issue of fearing that I'm a burden to people. I'm 26 and have lived with it all my life. Some days are harder and I go out to put myself down before anyone even says anything. I grew up having my dad tell me that it wasn't worth it having me and my brother. That we were a burden and that we just made life hard for him. I never saw him as a bad man, he had his good qualities, but that was something that really put me down my entire life.

He also did the same thing, how he told me I had to speak up, speak properly, open my mouth when I talk and not mumble, when any of that happens he'd ask me to repeat myself over and over again. He'd tell me that if I wasn't a certain way or living up to his expectations, then it means I'm a defiant child or purposely wanting to go against him or being outright selfish. If I speak up about how I feel, he would've made me feel like it was wrong to feel anything.

I could not show negative facial reactions to whatever he said or whenever I was around him. He picked on them and told me how rude it was. Sometimes he made fun of me for stupid things that I felt was embarrassing, even more so when it happened in public amongst people.. strangers. It made me really really quiet and shy, not really helping since I was like that to begin with.

I grew up knowing that if I spoke up about anything, I would be shot down straight and there was never any winning with my dad, even if I was right and he was wrong. I felt like I was a burden, a lot and he was the biggest influence in my life, both in a good way and in a bad way. This burdensome feeling and feeling like I was never good enough, has been the bane of my previous relationships and I realised now that half the reason why they never worked out was because of me and this feeling.

At least I got a confirmation from a therapist about this. I still can't "fix it" or get rid of it. How I work around it sometimes, whenever I hear these voices in my head telling me "you don't want to be a burden to them so don't ask for help" or "you're not good enough" or "you're such a burden, stop it".... I will try to divert my focus and thoughts to other things like, how I can help the other person in return or an exchange and even if they don't want it, then I will put myself out there for when they need something. Tell myself that I will help when I can, where I can.

Other than that, distractions. You get those thoughts in your head, shun them by finding something to do and focus on. I don't know if this will ever go away in my case, cos it still goes on even after my dad has passed on for quite some time now, but I certainly hope you will get through this or find a way to work around it and deal with it better. Good luck, ChocolateMoose.
 
ChocolateMoose said:
I'm not sure exactly what caused my shyness and panic attacks, but sometimes it grows to a point where I'm afraid of talking to a convenience store cashier or a waitress. I think it stems from my fear of pestering someone by asking a question. People have gotten annoyed from my stuttering and panic attacks at school. Its either "learn how to speak properly" or "you're overreacting[/i]". I just need to find someone that I can relate to or won't judge my problems. I need some advice.

Those people who think you are a burden are ********. If they can't take the time to be patient so that they can understand, then they don't deserve to have you in their lives. There should be many people that won't judge you, just keep looking until you find them. I know how daunting that sounds, don't give up on it.
As for cashiers or waitresses, it's their job to understand you, so you just take your time and make them understand, don't worry about pestering them, they are getting paid to be pestered and I'm sure they deal with far worse than stuttering or anxiety, so don't even worry about that and do what you need to do.
Does your stuttering stem from the anxiety or is it something you've always had? Basically what I'm asking is, if you overcome the panic attacks and anxiety, does the stuttering go away?
 
You are allowed to exist in the world. You are allowed to have a presence. You are allowed to express yourself and have opinions and like what you like and so forth. You are no more "burdensome" than anyone else on the planet. Claim your right to exist in your space. Obviously, I am not talking about being belligerent or anything like that. But, if you are know you are acting in good faith to those around you, then stop worrying about what they think or don't think about you. Honestly, most people spend very little time thinking about anyone except for themselves so they aren't keeping some catalogue of you or your comments or mannerisms.
 
TheRealCallie said:
ChocolateMoose said:
I'm not sure exactly what caused my shyness and panic attacks, but sometimes it grows to a point where I'm afraid of talking to a convenience store cashier or a waitress. I think it stems from my fear of pestering someone by asking a question. People have gotten annoyed from my stuttering and panic attacks at school. Its either "learn how to speak properly" or "you're overreacting[/i]". I just need to find someone that I can relate to or won't judge my problems. I need some advice.

Those people who think you are a burden are ********. If they can't take the time to be patient so that they can understand, then they don't deserve to have you in their lives. There should be many people that won't judge you, just keep looking until you find them. I know how daunting that sounds, don't give up on it.
As for cashiers or waitresses, it's their job to understand you, so you just take your time and make them understand, don't worry about pestering them, they are getting paid to be pestered and I'm sure they deal with far worse than stuttering or anxiety, so don't even worry about that and do what you need to do.
Does your stuttering stem from the anxiety or is it something you've always had? Basically what I'm asking is, if you overcome the panic attacks and anxiety, does the stuttering go away?

My stuttering does stem from my anxiety. I have the words in my head, but then I start becoming nervous and my mouth can't say the words properly. I can talk fine when I'm with family or friends. The words just refuse to come out properly when my anxiety appears.
 
That's really hopeful that your stuttering comes from your anxiety, because if you can lessen your anxiety this will largely go away, right?

My prescription is, validation. You need Validation! You need evidence that you can accept, that you are a person of value, that you can value yourself. When you can allow yourself to take up space and have a presence it is much better.

I don't know much about how other people get validated. I do it for myself by having successes, big and small, and then admitting to myself that I am a success. I'm just starting out with gaining validation from other people, so I'm pretty new to it.
 
Ladyforsaken, you could have been talking about my father! A few different details, but basically the same story.

He's been dead 14 years and I can still hear his voice in my head....every single day.

It doesn't really matter that I stopped believing his put-downs when I was 11 or 12....he's still embedded in my head.
 
constant stranger said:
He's been dead 14 years and I can still hear his voice in my head....every single day.

It doesn't really matter that I stopped believing his put-downs when I was 11 or 12....he's still embedded in my head.

That is so true. I still do too, myself. It's funny how just their voices can live in our heads and still do what they used to do.
 
A practical piece of advice for anyone who stammers or, like me, struggles to get their words out (I have a had a stroke that means I struggle to form a sentence sometimes)

I carry a card that I can hand over to a cashier or anyone in public that says "I have suffered ____ and cannot form my sentences quickly. Please speak clearly, and give me time to respond, Thank you"

It works so well - most people in customer facing roles are happy to help.
 
get selfish...

Think to yourself, who cares if i am pestering someone, how is that so bad?

Even though its not pestering, you feel it is, so tell yourself that it doesnt matter if you are pestering anyone. let them be pestered.... so what?

Nobody dies from being pestered, and as long as you get what you need out of the interaction then mission accomplished.

Stop thinking about other people and what they will think or do think. Who cares what they think, most of them are idiots anyway.

This may seem self centered but remember that your concern for what other people think is the enemy. Battle it by doing the opposite.

Go pester, get what you need when you need it because other people dont care what you think, so stop caring what they think.

A way of looking at it that might put it into perspective is that caring what the world thinks about you is actually very egocentric. To think that others concern themselves with you and what you are doing/thinking/feeling is an element of narcissism.

And I know thats totally not the case with you, you are smart kind and full of empathy, but just think about the perspective as a way to see the dysfunction in your thinking.

I used to have social anxiety back in my teens, so I'm not pulling this honeysuckle out of a hat. I cured myself by getting selfish about my needs

I remember someone said to me.. Why do you care if people are looking at you or judging you, are you so special that random strangers are staring at you and concerning themselves with you?

Made sense.

I know all this sounds ridiculous for an answer to a problem that has been life altering and longstanding, but in my case, perspective was the solution, and coming to realize or at least convince myself that i was being egocentric thinking strangers actually concerned themselves with me and my thoughts feelings issues or behaviors. And realizing that they are thinking of thier own selves and what they are doing at the moment or what they need to do later, they are thinking about what to make for dinner.... not about me and whether or not I'm normal or annoying.

And if they think I'm annoying, big honeysuckle. I got my car fixed because john the mechanic fixed it, I got my homework done because kerri my collegue helped me with an answer, I feel better because jesse talked to me about my day, i got information about a course i want to take because the lady at the desk explained the program to me. Did I annoy anyone... I doubt it, people like to be helpful and if I did annoy them by going about my day, nobody died and nobody is thinking about me stressfully at night loosing sleep, wrestling with the days events in their minds.

Just some thoughts...
 
I completely agree with "stock_error"

I wouldn't worry about pestering anyone ever!
If its a family member or loved one... it isn't pestering its you being you! :)

The only reason why things may be construed as pestering... they just don't know or understand you that's all.

Especially in a consumer setting... I don't give a rats as ass what they think!
If I am giving you my money for goods and/or service, I expect a certain level decorum and professionalism.
You don't have to like me or even respect me.
But you will "fake" it and make me think you are a professional.

I am not saying go and be mean to people, continue to be your good and respectful self
let them know of your needs and care not of how annoyed they may be because you interrupting there day.

A Lot of times in the service industry, people only feel "pestered" when they trying to be lazy and not do
no work, and you come along trying to be assisted.

You are entitled to be treated with respect and dignity, especially in a consumer environment!
 
I also used to be very shy, but try and remember that other people such as cashiers, or shop assistants may be equally shy and lack confidence. One tip which will take you out of your comfort zone, but boost your confidence is to try and talk to one new person every day.
 
ChocolateMoose said:
I'm not sure exactly what caused my shyness and panic attacks, but sometimes it grows to a point where I'm afraid of talking to a convenience store cashier or a waitress. I think it stems from my fear of pestering someone by asking a question. People have gotten annoyed from my stuttering and panic attacks at school. Its either "learn how to speak properly" or "you're overreacting[/i]". I just need to find someone that I can relate to or won't judge my problems. I need some advice.

I work in a convenience store as a cashier. We are told to talk to the customers. It's part of the job.
 
ChocolateMoose said:
I'm not sure exactly what caused my shyness and panic attacks, but sometimes it grows to a point where I'm afraid of talking to a convenience store cashier or a waitress. I think it stems from my fear of pestering someone by asking a question. People have gotten annoyed from my stuttering and panic attacks at school. Its either "learn how to speak properly" or "you're overreacting[/i]". I just need to find someone that I can relate to or won't judge my problems. I need some advice.

Hi there! Please watch a video called "I'm not Enough" by Marisa Peer on youtube, it is amazing and if you also google: EFT Tapping, this technique may help you with your panic attacks. I use to suffer from anxiety in my teens, and I found this technique really helps to calm the energy system right down. You might want to look into these two things..I hope I have been of help! Please let me know...thanks...Danielle
 

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