Work nights out

Does anybody go on them ?
Do you make excuses and not go ?
Or do you not even get asked ?

We have quite a lot at work. I haven't been on one for several years now. People at work beg me to go on them. I have had loads of really bad experiences on nights out so I am always very reluctant to go on them.

The latest one is a few weeks away. This bloke (Tom) is leaving. He's a nice fella and we talk quite a bit mostly about football. There is a list in the canteen with around 10 people's name on it. I have no intention of going but the manager said something interesting today. He said Tom remarked to him if I was going he was going to 'take the piss' out of me all night. In other words make fun out of me, give me a hard time. I found this really odd. I have always got on with Tom and I have no idea why he would do this to me. I can take a joke but I think he had something different in mind. A non stop barrage of insults or jokes with the rest of the table (mostly women) laughing at me.

Funny thing is, all the way thru my life I have suffered treatment like this on nights out. People giving me honeysuckle. Either women laughing at me or blokes taking the piss. It's a major reason why I don't socialize anymore.

I wonder why people do this to me ?

Anybody ?

Do you have any idea why the manager said this to you? Was it a heads-up, so you would know what was on?

Sometimes said:

Do you have any idea why the manager said this to you? Was it a heads-up, so you would know what was on?

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oh I believe him, he isn't the type to lie.
It just came up in conversation.

Well, some people like targeting certain people for no reason. They think it's "fun". I honestly would confront Tom and ask him about it with the manager. At my first job a certain coworker would talk about me behind my back. He thought no one would tell me but a lot did. I confronted him later with some people that told me and he fessed up and stopped.

I also personally wouldn't go, but that's just because I'm introverted.

Most people actually seem to think that "teasing" is a way to show affection.
So maybe they do like you, they just don't quite understand you.

I don't know why this kind of gang-up happens, but I know it does. My own experience is not of being targeted, but of being ignored. Invisibility is my default state. I only went to the necessary work-do things because I had so much trouble being seen enough to converse with anyone.

I have a theory, partly tongue-in-cheek, which says that all human interactions are governed by sense of smell, from the automatic "I love you and I've got to have you", to basic indifference, down to "I hate you on sight". Like dogs except that for us it's largely subconscious.

Here on the forum, you are popular and known as very talented. Maybe it's best that we can't smell each other?

But it's up to us to govern our own actions, and your coworkers seem like pack monkeys in their behaviour, to me.

Triple Bogey said:

Does anybody go on them ?

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Yes, I go to most of them. But, I've bailed on a few, too.

Triple Bogey said:

This bloke (Tom) is leaving. He's a nice fella and we talk quite a bit mostly about football.

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Triple Bogey said:

He said Tom remarked to him if I was going he was going to 'take the piss' out of me all night. In other words make fun out of me, give me a hard time. I found this really odd. I have always got on with Tom and I have no idea why he would do this to me. I can take a joke but I think he had something different in mind.

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Clearly, he's enjoyed your football chats or else he wouldn't have continued them with you.

Do you both root for the same team or opposing ones? If the latter is the case, I bet he plans to engage in some friendly rivalry since he won't see you as frequently anymore.

I have some friends who are huge Yankees fans and I can't stand that team. So, we usually talk smack about each others' teams and their fans. It's all good-natured fun, though. No one gets hurt feelings.

I say, go and have a great time.

I wouldn't sign up for an evening of being mocked. We have a lot of group outings at my work - during lunches during the workday and also in the evenings and I can't stand going to them. I used to go to quite a lot of group outings but no more. I have a lot of practice with smiling and saying "I'd love to but I'm sorry, I can't (insert optional excuse)". I just find the group outings to be completely boring and also I've realized that my colleagues are just that - colleagues that I see 37.5 hours a week - not my friends. I'd rather keep my off-work time free for people and things that I love.

-Teresa

Despicable Me said:

Most people actually seem to think that "teasing" is a way to show affection.
So maybe they do like you, they just don't quite understand you.

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I think this is probably the case. Maybe where you live, your town or region, it is culturally the norm to "smack-talk" people that you know well, thinking that they know you are just messing around and don't mean it.

Maybe Tom knows you didn't go to these things before and was just joking about it, kinda like, it's his way of saying he would be surprised if you showed up.

Just from what you wrote here, I don't think he really means he is going to try and hurt your feelings. I think he means to have one last hurrah of sorts with all the people he knows and is planning to joke around a little more than usual because you are outside of the workplace setting. Idk. I think he is just messing around and wouldn't take it too seriously. Then again if you are upset by it you could always just leave early.

I think that many quiet people (I am assuming you are on the quiet side) seem remote, odd and mysterious to more outgoing people and they want to make us react, like a child poking a sleeping dog with a stick. I have elicited such a reaction in people before as well. From what you have written I can't tell if Tom intends just to joke around in a non offensive manner with you or whether he intends to be nastier. Maybe not going along would be easier.

We tend to have these around Christmas, and no I normally don't go them. The production manager at my place arranged a day at the Chester Races this year but I never went that, either. He asked me why I didn't want to go and I told him because generally I don't really like anyone in that place that much, lol.

Thanks everybody for your replies and advice.
Me and Tom support different football teams so maybe he was going to mock me about that ?

I remember last xmas this black guy went to the night out and the manager ripped him to honeysuckle. Wouldn't let go and a lot of it was racial abuse.
We have a different manager now but usually something happens on the nights out. I have always been a target. From when I started going out to now.

Hmm, then it doesn't seem to be friendly teasing then?
I'd say stay away from them. Maybe even let them know you don't approve of their behavior. If the insults/behavior starts taking place at work because of that then you can sue them and change their attitude a bit. Not that you'd want to have to do something like that, but just saying if it did happen then you'd be entitled to legal compensation.

Triple Bogey said:

Thanks everybody for your replies and advice.
Me and Tom support different football teams so maybe he was going to mock me about that ?

I remember last xmas this black guy went to the night out and the manager ripped him to honeysuckle. Wouldn't let go and a lot of it was racial abuse.
We have a different manager now but usually something happens on the nights out. I have always been a target. From when I started going out to now.

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I definitely would not go. Why put yourself through it when you don't have to?
You mentioned that you have a new manager. I hope that the last one was sacked for racially abusing your colleague.

Tiina63 said:

Triple Bogey said:

Thanks everybody for your replies and advice.
Me and Tom support different football teams so maybe he was going to mock me about that ?

I remember last xmas this black guy went to the night out and the manager ripped him to honeysuckle. Wouldn't let go and a lot of it was racial abuse.
We have a different manager now but usually something happens on the nights out. I have always been a target. From when I started going out to now.

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I definitely would not go. Why put yourself through it when you don't have to?
You mentioned that you have a new manager. I hope that the last one was sacked for racially abusing your colleague.

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No, nothing happened to the old manager. I know a lot of the staff weren't happy with that happened. I think the black guy just shrugged it off as banter.

The staff today were talking about it today saying I should go. They said they would take a photo of me and put it up in the canteen. I know they don't mean anything by it and it's considered 'fun' but I'm definitely not going.

Triple Bogey said:

I remember last xmas this black guy went to the night out and the manager ripped him to honeysuckle. Wouldn't let go and a lot of it was racial abuse.
We have a different manager now but usually something happens on the nights out. I have always been a target. From when I started going out to now.

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Maybe he's one of those people who thinks he's just being funny when really he's being an idiot?

9006 said:

Triple Bogey said:

I remember last xmas this black guy went to the night out and the manager ripped him to honeysuckle. Wouldn't let go and a lot of it was racial abuse.
We have a different manager now but usually something happens on the nights out. I have always been a target. From when I started going out to now.

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Maybe he's one of those people who thinks he's just being funny when really he's being an idiot?

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yes I think you are right.
The new manager is a nice guy and I like him.
Some of the women though ? Not sure I want to socialize with them.

Triple Bogey said:

yes I think you are right.
The new manager is a nice guy and I like him.
Some of the women though ? Not sure I want to socialize with them.

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I suppose it depends weather the good people outweigh the bad. Otherwise it will spoil the night.