Death & Feeling Numb

I know people grieve in different ways and so there's no wrong way to grieve really but I do sort of worry about myself sometimes.

There have been way too many deaths in my family in the last several years...4 of which have been pretty recent. It started with my grandfather, then one of my uncles died horribly of lung cancer, then my grandmother died in June and my dog died in July.

I'm in therapy and have mentioned the fact that I feel odd for not having any emotion. I've always had a defense mechanism where if I get too stressed I'll just shut off and dissociate. We discussed that it was a good thing because it helps to prevent a total mental breakdown but that it's not a good thing to always be there in order to avoid things...etc.

So anyway, while I was talking about this and my grandma it was the only time I have ever cried really during this whole stretch of deaths. It was very loud, sudden and uncontrollable but only lasted maybe a minute or two and then I was back to neutral. My therapist seemed to be very surprised and mentioned the fact that she had never seen me in that state before and I just went from such an extreme back to calm like nothing had happened.

Being mostly seemingly emotionless about the whole thing makes me feel cold and like maybe people see it and think I don't care at all or something which isn't the truth. I'm actually a really emotional person generally...way more emotional than I'd like. So why do I cry about other things and then suddenly there's nothing when it comes to stuff like this? I really hope I'm not holding it inside too much or something. I know that's not the way to deal with it and could cause more upset later.

The atmosphere in my family really isn't good right now. My grandmother dying has severely affected my dad because it was his mother and my dog dying a few weeks after that was made worse because it just brought my grandmothers death more into mind again when there wasn't any healing yet anyway. It's painful enough with the death of a pet.

I know death happens. It's a part of life and will happen more to those around me as I'm getting older. I just worry about how I'm coping and I'm also not really able to comfort other people through it both because I've always been awkward in situations like that anyway but now it's affecting me in an odd way.

I don't feel depressed but I've been told before by a therapist that depression isn't always outward crying...etc.

I think the state of my health isn't so good right now either which doesn't help. I've dealt with periods of pretty bad tiredness over the years but I've had extreme fatigue the last month or so that has brought any life I did have to a complete stop. This fatigue is nothing like any tiredness I've ever felt in my life. All I have energy for is to just sit here maybe watching tv and not really watching at that.

I wake up and I'm already tired and my eyes are dry, bloodshot and hurt as if I've never been asleep. I'm hoping it's just untreated sleep apnea. I know sleep apnea is a serious issue and I will go to the doctor as soon as I can get myself to but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it would be a better outcome than finding out I had cancer again or something, especially at this time with everything already not going well. I guess finding out I had critically low vitamin D didn't help the fatigue either but I thought if anything I'd be feeling better by now as it's being treated.

So I guess this was more of a ramble to get some stuff out than anything else. Maybe I should start journaling again.

Nothing is ever just coincidental, Alana. All of these issues have meaning. The outburst of crying, the fatigue....your unconscious is giving you some messages here and although I don't know you, I'd expect that you have a lot of closure issues that are not resolved.

If it was me, I'd explore how I felt about these people when they were alive, how they and I fit in to the mosaic of the whole clan and what I wished it had been instead of what it really was. Perhaps your therapist knows some structured exercises to give voice to, to get out any unexpressed sentiments toward......everyone who's in the picture. Living or dead.

Just because someone has died doesn't mean that our relationship with them has ended.

Alana said:

I think the state of my health isn't so good right now either which doesn't help. I've dealt with periods of pretty bad tiredness over the years but I've had extreme fatigue the last month or so that has brought any life I did have to a complete stop. This fatigue is nothing like any tiredness I've ever felt in my life. All I have energy for is to just sit here maybe watching tv and not really watching at that.

I wake up and I'm already tired and my eyes are dry, bloodshot and hurt as if I've never been asleep. I'm hoping it's just untreated sleep apnea. I know sleep apnea is a serious issue and I will go to the doctor as soon as I can get myself to but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it would be a better outcome than finding out I had cancer again or something, especially at this time with everything already not going well. I guess finding out I had critically low vitamin D didn't help the fatigue either but I thought if anything I'd be feeling better by now as it's being treated.

So I guess this was more of a ramble to get some stuff out than anything else. Maybe I should start journaling again.

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Hey Alana, I'm so sorry to read about your experiences and for your losses. My heart goes out to you.

I think it's very important to get your health checked out before anything... I do know for a fact that anything in your body that isn't at its best state can cause mood changes and all sorts of crazy emotions or cause you to feel nothing at all.. and could even cause depression. I've been through this and as soon as the doctors get my stores stabilised, Vitamin D, calcium, thyroxine, blood counts and all that jazz... I think a lot clearer and better and less negatively. It helps some if not much.

I know that feeling of fatigue all too well when everything inside of me was crashing and I know how different it feels once they start fixing even just one thing.

Plus, say, in the worst case scenario if you do happen to have something to worry about with your health in that manner, early detection is always better and sometimes, a minute late can make a whole lifetime of a difference. So I urge you to please go see a doctor and get a full body check or something to make sure that they can help you.

I had issues with my Vitamin D stores too and to get it to work and boost my stores, they gave me a pretty high and potent type so I'm sure if the one they prescribe you isn't helping, there would be another type that might. I had the same issue with calcium too... there were certain types of calcium that does not even get absorbed in my body (**** what a waste of time being given those through IV for hours on end but only made my calcium drop even lower) and they had to do a lot of trial and error to see which works.

I know that this whole thing seems very tedious and something that is the last thing on your mind you'd want to deal with and that if it's not something good it's just another one pile of honeysuckle life throws at you, but you can do this, and I personally feel it's the first thing you need to work on. I do hope you keep going, no matter how tiring and difficult it seems.

As for emotions towards death, I always thought that it's perfectly normal not to react to something like this. Often times I feel that it's due to shock or your subconscious not catching up to reality just as yet and when it does, that's when you burst out and breakdown. Dealing with deaths differ from one person to another and I wouldn't compare because I feel that one should grieve at their own pace and their own way... just as long as they don't let that consume them in the end.

I'm glad you have got your therapist to talk to as well and I hope that it will continue to help you as time goes by. It's a lot to deal with, Alana, I'm sure of it.. but I always tell myself, if I don't look out for my well-being, no one else would. Please take care and please hang in there. I hope things will look up for you soon. *hugs*

Thank you both for your great responses. I really appreciate what you had to say and it gives me a lot to think about.

constant stranger: I'd say there are issues with closure for sure and your suggestion of seeing if my therapist can help me explore that is a good one. I'll bring it up in my next session and see how it goes. Thank you.

LadyF: I've been off and on with the forum for a while now...more off than on but when I came back I read about your struggles, so first of all I want to say that I hope you are getting better and better everyday. You are irreplaceable on this forum and easily one of the most helpful and caring people I've ever had the pleasure of talking to.

As for the health stuff I'm going through right now...I guess I feel a bit silly about it all. I haven't really had good experiences with doctors. I've also had to go in several times lately for other things before this happened so I feel like if I went in for something as vague as fatigue she might not think anything of it or think it's depression and send me home. Also, the fatigue puts me off of going out. Having anxiety normally is bad enough but even the thought of having to get ready and go out makes me even more tired. I would be pretty upset if I made the effort in my state and nothing came of it.

However, having said all of that I do think it's very important, especially because I have had serious health issues in the past. I know that only I can and will be an advocate for my health. I will definitely go. I've just been putting it off and I don't really have a good excuse for it. I guess I also hoped that it would just get better on its own. A lot of times doctors send you home to wait it out anyway.

I'm currently seeing a specialist for other issues and she's the one that prescribed the high dose vitamin D for 2 months. She said she would retest to see how it went so I imagine if it's still not at a good level she'll keep me on it longer or up the dose or something. Maybe I'll mention the fatigue to her too and see what she has to say about it.

I'm normally pretty motivated and proactive. I feel a bit disappointed in myself for not pushing through it and just doing what I need to do.

Thank you for urging me to go to the doctor. Even if it's nothing...in the back of my mind it is worrying me because it's so far from my normal. If anything it will take away some mental strain and I do need that right now. It does help having someone else to say hey, go anyway just in case. It also helps to have another person say that my reaction to death is normal. Reinforcement is good.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. *hug* Again, I hope your own health continues to improve and that you're able to do whatever you want in life.

I can totally understand your putting it off and waiting it out to see if it'll go away. I made that mistake before and it was almost too late. While you're aware of the changes that has taken place in your body, it's good to keep your doctors alerted. Maybe if you tell them that this fatigue has been consistent for some time they might try to do something about it.

Hey, it's okay to feel down and out every now and then. You don't have to feel disappointed about it, we all need a break at times in life and we can't always be motivated and proactive. We're all human beings and we have our off days too so don't feel badly or beat yourself up over it. Cut yourself some slack and just like everything else, we should try to find a balance in anything we do so while being unmotivated and all that is okay sometimes, just try not to let any of it consume you over time. Everything needs to have limits.

Take it at your own pace, Alana. There's nothing wrong with that because I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders, you know what's good and bad and you know what you should do for yourself and your well-being, so I do believe that you will make the right choices for yourself in the end.

Thank you too for your kind words and well wishes. I'm still coping and fighting every step of the way. Like everyone else in life. We just fight different battles in our courtyard.

Take care please and I hope you'll feel better soon as well. *hugs*

First, let me say, HELLO!!!! WELCOME BACK!!! I MISSED YOU!!!

And second, I am really sorry to hear about all of this. Sometimes when we get hit with so much at once it numbs us. I am overly emotional about everything in my life, but when it comes to death, I show no emotion to people. It makes me feel cold as well, but everyone is different when it comes to dealing with pain.

I know you can get through this, keep your head up, and know there are several people on here that support you.