How to like me?

Hi, I'm new, and low self esteem is something I've dealt with for alot of years. I'm now in my 40's and realizing that feeling good about myself is entirely in my hands. All this time I was waiting on something else to make me feel better. Meeting the right man so I would feel worthwhile, valuable & loved, having a friend who would fill the emptiness I felt, etc. Always looking for the approval of others. Now I realize I need to be able to love myself without that approval. I'm having a difficult time getting to that point. I'm trying to stop my negative internal dialogue and attempting to replace it with more positive self talk. But I'm still struggling with liking who I am & what I do unless others like it. I would appreciate any advice on how to work on loving myself .

Hi Solo! Welcome. My advice to you is that ACTION precedes feelings. That in too many cases, we wait to have good or happy feelings before doing things. Instead, I would advise you to get engaged in life. Deep down, what do YOU enjoy? Do you like cooking? Helping at the animal shelter? Volunteering at an old folks home? Staying at home and knitting or painting? Gardening? Etc. What do you enjoy? What things bring you enjoyment? What kinds of things would make you feel good about yourself? If you volunteered, do you think you would find some satisfaction in that? Please step and give new things a try and really try to engage yourself.

I think delledonne has some nice advice
For me, the only way to catch some of that elusive self-esteem is by doing things. What strikes your fancy? Go with that.
A few years ago, my lonely self saw a movie that showed a brief scene of a little kid playing a violin. I thought "I can do that". I signed up for violin lessons, rented a violin (that I now own) and now have a fulfilling hobby - to fill the empty hole inside.
Pay attention to what you like, dive in and pretty soon you'll fill that emptiness too.

-Teresa

Thanks delledonne & Teresa, I know you are right. My "shyness" has often held me back from trying different things especially when it involves meeting new people. I also feel like I'm not taking care of my responsibilities at home & with my kids etc if I focus on myself. But I know I deserve to do things I enjoy just as much as anyone else. I used to enjoy writing & reading but those fell by the wayside as time has gone by. Might be something to get back into.

Soloyoucanthearme said:

Hi, I'm new, and low self esteem is something I've dealt with for alot of years. I'm now in my 40's and realizing that feeling good about myself is entirely in my hands. All this time I was waiting on something else to make me feel better. Meeting the right man so I would feel worthwhile, valuable & loved, having a friend who would fill the emptiness I felt, etc. Always looking for the approval of others. Now I realize I need to be able to love myself without that approval. I'm having a difficult time getting to that point. I'm trying to stop my negative internal dialogue and attempting to replace it with more positive self talk. But I'm still struggling with liking who I am & what I do unless others like it. I would appreciate any advice on how to work on loving myself .

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More than 20 years I didn't like myself. Because my personal evaluation depended on the opinion of others. I had a good job, was able to take care about myself in foreign country but I considered it as "nothing" because others (specially women) didn't think about me as valuable person.

But the reality is totally opposite.
Nobody will like you if you don't like yourself.

Find anything you can be proud of yourself. Job, sense of humor, singing in shower, planting flowers,... Anything!
Praise yourself for it. If you will not do it nobody else will.

Stop to take care what others are thinking. It's your life.
Split people around you to 2 different groups:
- they like you
- they ignore you

Don't worry if in the second group will be few billions of people.
Important is the first group. Believe there is somebody somewhere who will accept you.
But only you will accept yourself. Even you don;t want to spend evening in the pub with somebody
who is just crying over her/his miserable life. You want to talk with interesting people.

Be interesting. And others will find you!

Tip: smile. As much as possible. Even if you don't feel for smile. People are attracted by smiles.

That's a good point but not everyone is a smiler. A forced smile is unnatural and can be off putting. However Allow yourself to enjoy life and you will smile.

I comuted by car about 20 minutes. And I forced myself to smile during these 20 minutes.
It looked pretty stupid - fortunatelly I was alone in the car. Sometimes I seen myself in the mirror - pretty scarry.

But - proven by science - if you shape your face muscles to smile it will impact your brain.
You will start to feel more happy. Just due to stupid face muscle movement. Try it.

After such forced smile in the car I feel much more happy. My colleagues stopped my and asked whether
I won a lottery. No - I answered - I'm just happy.

And - of course - some percentage of my colleagues was women.
Was much easier to invite them to lunch after short "smaltalk" about my happy feelings at morning.

What do you like about yourself? Your eyes, your smile?Any accomplishments you have made. Just anything positive you like about yourself. Write it down everyday. Every morning look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud to yourself. Smile to yourself and say I love you too. And before you got to sleep think off all the good things that you posses and that happen to you.

You will realize how strong you are and how much you have accomplish in your life.

After you learn how to love yourself, you will start working on your "not so good" side in a positive and caring manner, cause you will love yourself so much that you won't treat yourself bad in the process.

Love yourself as much as you can, you are the only person who will be with you for your entire life. Good luck... And let me know how it goes.

I agree with the comments about doing things that bring you joy and most importantly, a sense of meaning.

What helped me the most was volunteering. Its easier to interact with people, despite differences when you have a common goal. Also, when you start helping others, it feels like your existence has meaning.

The other thing is to put aside some time for yourself everyday. For me its two hours everyday, just for me. Yoga and meditation helps a lot with self love, I find. I spend the other hour cooking and preparing healthy food. It makes me feel good to take care of myself and while it may have been a slow process, I feel like I love myself more now than I ever did before.

Apart from that, its really important to be aware of how we self sabotage. Feeling guilty over prioritizing yourself over those you love is a misplaced emotion...I still struggle with this but I think its important to find balance. After all, we want to instill in children the value of self love and if we dont show it ourselves then they're not likely to learn either.

I wish you luck in this journey to self love...its very achievable so dont give up. Just keep getting back on that wagon !

Really good advice here. I have almost managed to stop my "negative internal dialogue " myself and things do improve. I especially agree with what delledonne and SofiasMami said.

SofiasMami said:

...and now have a fulfilling hobby - to fill the empty hole inside.

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...hearing a long, slow, melancholic violin solo

A good idea is to write down everything you like about yourself, for example you may be good listener, or always willing to help others. Forget bad any weaker points as you don't want to focus on the negative. And of course you can always work on areas of your personality you don't like.

Our thoughts are made up of energy, so once you raise your energy to a more positive one, you'll start attracting the right man, friends, and other positive things in your life.

Soloyoucanthearme said:

Hi, I'm new, and low self esteem is something I've dealt with for alot of years. I'm now in my 40's and realizing that feeling good about myself is entirely in my hands. All this time I was waiting on something else to make me feel better. Meeting the right man so I would feel worthwhile, valuable & loved, having a friend who would fill the emptiness I felt, etc. Always looking for the approval of others. Now I realize I need to be able to love myself without that approval. I'm having a difficult time getting to that point. I'm trying to stop my negative internal dialogue and attempting to replace it with more positive self talk. But I'm still struggling with liking who I am & what I do unless others like it. I would appreciate any advice on how to work on loving myself .

Click to expand...

Hello there! I think we all worry about what others think at one time or another. What we are doing is giving our energy away to them that we could be using for a better purpose. I, recently watched a video by a woman named Marisa Peer which is one of the biggest hypnotherapist in the UK and this video is called "I'm not Enough". It is really worth it to watch it, because most of us really don't think were enough or good enough. Let me know what you think!....Danielle

Write down on a paper your qualities, and read them out loud, lots of times... memorize them.
Also, do things you like, things you enjoy doing. This is really important! It's YOUR life, so do what you love most.
If you don't love yourself, no one will. You need to be confident, to be happy by your own, to know how to enjoy your time.

Thats all I can think right now. I have pretty much the same problem as you, and I'm still struggling to love myself. These things worked for me, so I guess they will work for you too.

There's some great advice here!

I've learned to smile a bit more over the years - I think I used to go about with a permanent frown!

Now I can smile gently at a stranger and if I receive one back the world seems all the better for it.

Most of all I agree with the advice to find a hobby you enjoy doing, as this in itself will help your self-esteem as you get better at it.

I will suggest you to read good law of attraction and power of autosugestion and reprogram your emotions .I you wait for aprove of others you will never be happy .You must find a way to love the person you are and having trust in you .Make important steps in your life ,be organized think positively and you will gain confidence