Inflated self-esteem

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

LiLeila

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2015
Messages
141
Reaction score
0
Location
Darnassus
If you think you have low self-esteem, that you're shy and you can't find friends because of this, then you may have inflated self-esteem in fact. I know that's cruel for many of you but think about it. I realized that lately and now everything is more clear. I know that I'm not the only one on this site with this problem. It's just hard to admit.

Are you interested in other people's lives as much as you think that they should be interested in yours?
Do you ask questions?
Do you think that you don't have common topics with most people?
Do you expect compliments and approval often?
Do you feel special?
Does other people's opinion bother you?
Do you think that everyone looking at you all the time? That you may be in center of attention? Do you really don't won't be?

These are helpful questions for rethink this.
 
Interesting, some of these questions came up in the past when I started analysing myself. Let's see...

Are you interested in other people's lives as much as you think that they should be interested in yours?
No, I am not terribly interested in other people's lives mostly...but I don't expect them to be interested in mine either. In fact, I prefer not speak about my daily life too much.

Do you ask questions?
Rarely. I'm more inclined to pick up on what other people say and reply to it. I shouldn't expect them to do the same though. I noticed many folks don't say anything unless you ask them specific questions.

Do you think that you don't have common topics with most people?
Yes...at least not many enjoyable topics. I can talk about many things, but the conversations tend to feel forced then.

Do you expect compliments and approval often?
No. I actively deflect them actually, because compliments come across as baseless brownnosing to me at times.

Do you feel special?
Nope. Maybe a bit different, but not special.

Does other people's opinion bother you?
Only if they are unreasonable and/or blatantly ignorant.

Do you think that everyone looking at you all the time? That you may be in center of attention? Do you really don't won't be?
I used to, but then I started telling myself that I'm not that fascinating since I prefer to stay under the radar...a wise decision. This can go as far as causing paranoid tendencies.

So...am I a covert egomaniac? I'm afraid wouldn't know. I suppose it's the same as with dementia - the person concerned does not notice.
 
Are you interested in other people's lives as much as you think that they should be interested in yours?

I don't think they should be interested in my life. Why is the question phrased like that?

Do you ask questions?

What kind of questions?

Do you think that you don't have common topics with most people?

I do, but the uncommon ones are much more.

Do you expect compliments and approval often?

No.

Do you feel special?

Not in the good way. I'll say different too.

Does other people's opinion bother you?

Ignorance bothers me as well.

Do you think that everyone looking at you all the time? That you may be in center of attention? Do you really don't won't be?

No.
 
Rodent said:
Do you feel special?
Nope. Maybe a bit different, but not special.
I mean that. Different may be synonymous to special in this question.

Xpendable said:
Are you interested in other people's lives as much as you think that they should be interested in yours?
I don't think they should be interested in my life. Why is the question phrased like that?
I had problems with create that sentence so maybe there are some misunderstandings. I mean that you may expect from others that they'll write to you first, check if you alive, will be curious how are you and maybe you have some problems or what did you create lately etc. Well, if we like someone we want to know about him some things.

Xpendable said:
Do you ask questions?
What kind of questions?
Like these above for example. Any questions to other people which can mean that you care.
 
LiLeila said:
I had problems with create that sentence so maybe there are some misunderstandings. I mean that you may expect from others that they'll write to you first, check if you alive, will be curious how are you and maybe you have some problems or what did you create lately etc. Well, if we like someone we want to know about him some things.

Oh. Ok, I thought someone got this questions from somewhere else. I guess sometimes I care but only because it never happens. I actually don't remember the last time someone asked me how I was just because they care.

LiLeila said:
Like these above for example. Any questions to other people which can mean that you care.

Weirdly enough, I sometimes ask. But part of me feels that I just do it out of courtesy. Just to stretch the conversation.
 
Xpendable said:
But part of me feels that I just do it out of courtesy. Just to stretch the conversation.
So it might be a one symptom. I do the same usually and it feels similiar. It means that we just don't care about others, so our loneliness has reasons in us. Make sense to me.
 
LiLeila said:
So it might be a one symptom. I do the same usually and it feels similiar. It means that we just don't care about others, so our loneliness has reasons in us. Make sense to me.

But isn't that a little extreme? There's a ton of people who don't care about others and they carry a fairly decent life. There's people who have literally said to me that they don't give a honeysuckle about X person (sometimes this person is a nice human being) and they have tons of friends, a wife and kids. They are mean and judgemental, but they get love anyway.
 
Xpendable said:
LiLeila said:
So it might be a one symptom. I do the same usually and it feels similiar. It means that we just don't care about others, so our loneliness has reasons in us. Make sense to me.

But isn't that a little extreme? There's a ton of people who don't care about others and they carry a fairly decent life. There's people who have literally said to me that they don't give a honeysuckle about X person (sometimes this person is a nice human being) and they have tons of friends, a wife and kids. They are mean and judgemental, but they get love anyway.
Maybe. But for me having friends or family not always means that someone isn't lonely. Also people like jerks sometimes so... I think caring is a huge and important thing in any relation. So how to get some if we so ignorant?
 
LiLeila said:
Maybe. But for me having friends or family not always means that someone isn't lonely.

Totally, but the point was that what repels people isn't objective.

LiLeila said:
Also people like jerks sometimes so... I think caring is a huge and important thing in any relation. So how to get some if we so ignorant?

I feel that's how it should be too :), but ignorance rarely causes someone to be lonely; it's usually the other way around.
 
Xpendable said:
but ignorance rarely causes someone to be lonely; it's usually the other way around.
You think so? I have other experience, especially when it comes to close persons.
 
LiLeila said:
I mean that. Different may be synonymous to special in this question.

Hmm, I always assumed claiming you're special/unique assigns a higher value to you than to those around you. While being different means you are...well, just not the same. Not better or worse. And honestly speaking, we all are different to one another. Sometimes different enough to not connect on the usual level.

Xpendable said:
Weirdly enough, I sometimes ask. But part of me feels that I just do it out of courtesy. Just to stretch the conversation.

Goes for me as well. When I honestly ask people how they are doing I rarely feel it. I might be "interested" at best. In the end a lot of human interaction is based on mere courtesy. Yet we asked - others didn't. Maybe it made the other person feel as if we cared from the bottom of our heart which might just be good enough. *shrugs*
 
Are you interested in other people's lives as much as you think that they should be interested in yours?
No. but it depends whether it triggers curious side of my brain or not.

Do you ask questions?
Yes but that too is entirely circumstancial.

Do you think that you don't have common topics with most people?
No, Rarely I have come across when I have nothing to talk about.

Do you expect compliments and approval often?
No, not at all but from the people I'm very closely bonded with sometimes I do.

Do you feel special?
Yes but then again my thinking is everyone is special in their own way.

Does other people's opinion bother you?
No. Unless they are keep repeating it over and over again then it's really bothersome.

Do you think that everyone looking at you all the time? That you may be in center of attention? Do you really don't won't be?
Sometimes it feels like that. Don't like spotlight at all. Makes me uncomfortable.
 
LiLeila said:
Do you ask questions?

If I'm interested in speaking to someone, I'll ask many questions about them. I've found that people tend to be pretty restrictive, or not share much of what I ask about them. I'm not saying that I expect them to completely open up to me, but it kinda puts you off thinking how uninterested they seem. Also I sometimes don't ask as many questions as I'd like because it might come across as creepy, but if I have a genuine interest in someone, I'd like to know about them.

LiLeila said:
Do you think that you don't have common topics with most people?

I think I have virtually no common topics with most people, in fact I consider myself to have pretty boring interests because nobody seems to share them. It could be that the other person is thinking the same, but I'm sure something would arise eventually, but it never seems to. If I do have some sort of interest, it never seems to go far, or again, the other person seems uninterested.

LiLeila said:
Do you expect compliments and approval often?

I don't really think about these things when speaking to someone, I don't root for them, either. But that's not to say it's not nice to receive them :)

LiLeila said:
Do you feel special?

Not really, especially not today - not that it takes away the fact that I'm a unique individual with my own preferences and skills, I get that. But I do not feel that I'm of any benefit to anyone other than my mother, at the moment. And no, I'm not 'feeling sorry for myself' bullshit.

LiLeila said:
Does other people's opinion bother you?

That depends weather it makes sense or is ******* stupid, but whatever the case it's kinda their own thought. It's all down to perspective and the way you think about certain subject that lets you form your opinion.

LiLeila said:
Do you think that everyone looking at you all the time? That you may be in center of attention? Do you really don't won't be?

I don't think that many (if any) people are looking at me at all, I don't get many interactions much so I don't have any evidence to support that. Though I'm not really bothered about being the center of attention, but hopefully for good things.

I don't know why I answered them, lol.
 
Are you interested in other people's lives as much as you think that they should be interested in yours?
Only if someone wants me to be,I don't want to be pushy,I do find myelf on facebook trying to catch up with what's happening in people's lives and offering support,I don't feel I get the same back which is one of the reasons i've felt so isolated

Do you ask questions?
It depends on the situation,I try to ask more questions now than I used to,i'm still too quiet around people

Do you think that you don't have common topics with most people?
I think if you dig deep enough,everyone has something in common,it's just finding out what that is and how long you are willing to spend trying to find out what that is.

Do you expect compliments and approval often?
compliments?what are they?.I don't seek approval often,I don't need approval,however it feels more comforting to be liked than hated so I would settle for a middle ground.

Do you feel special?
No

Does other people's opinion bother you?
It depends on the person,if it's a total stranger that I see down the street,no. If it's someone I care about then yes.

Do you think that everyone looking at you all the time? That you may be in center of attention? Do you really don't won't be?
I used to,I just wanted to fade in to the background and not be noticed at all,I used to be too critical of myself,now I think everyone is too busy getting on with their own lives.
 
You'd be amazed at how inflated self esteem and low self esteem can actually coexist.

When I was younger I had a huge inflated self esteem.
Then certain experiences caused me to have low self esteem. Now I have both.

The inflated self esteem part keeps people away because sometimes I deem them as not good enough.
However that applies to me too, so I expect a lot from myself. Moreover it isolates me, makes me think like I'm better than other people, when that is not true.
The low self esteem part is the one that brings me down, makes me depressed, unable to talk to people at times, for various reasons.
Since I often don't keep up to my expectations about myself, I tend to get sad a lot.
It makes me feel like I'm not even a person, not even myself.

Yeah it's a vicious combo XD
 
Reason #63737295 shot down.

Are you interested in other people's lives as much as you think that they should be interested in yours?

Yes. I'm actually significantly more interested in some cases when I'm trying to get to know someone new, and happy to hear. If I really like someone I might try to draw them out of their shell if they're shy.

Do you ask questions?

Yes.

Do you think that you don't have common topics with most people?

I know that for a fact.

Do you expect compliments and approval often?

No. I give a lot of things without expecting anything back other than basic respect. The few online people I can call friends I share game items with often if it's something they need and they just thank me, which is fine. I just want to make sure everything's fine in our little group and people have what they need, since I have a lot, anyway.

Do you feel special?

I feel like a different species.

Does other people's opinion bother you?

Not unless it's cruel or manipulative. That's more about actions and negative treatment.

I don't think refusing people who start things off by lying to me or who have cruel opinions about how to treat other people (whether it's orientation or just a new person at work) means I have an inflated self-esteem.

Do you think that everyone looking at you all the time? That you may be in center of attention? Do you really don't won't be?

No. No. What?
 
Rodent said:
LiLeila said:
I mean that. Different may be synonymous to special in this question.
Hmm, I always assumed claiming you're special/unique assigns a higher value to you than to those around you. While being different means you are...well, just not the same. Not better or worse. And honestly speaking, we all are different to one another. Sometimes different enough to not connect on the usual level.

I know there is a difference between these terms but I try to thought about this as one feeling. What I mean is that I sometimes feel better than others, however I think we're equal. Anyway I also feel worse sometimes but it seems to have one roots. Wayfarer mentioned something what I also consider:

Wayfarer said:
You'd be amazed at how inflated self esteem and low self esteem can actually coexist.

When I was younger I had a huge inflated self esteem.
Then certain experiences caused me to have low self esteem. Now I have both.

The inflated self esteem part keeps people away because sometimes I deem them as not good enough.
However that applies to me too, so I expect a lot from myself. Moreover it isolates me, makes me think like I'm better than other people, when that is not true.
The low self esteem part is the one that brings me down, makes me depressed, unable to talk to people at times, for various reasons.
Since I often don't keep up to my expectations about myself, I tend to get sad a lot.
It makes me feel like I'm not even a person, not even myself.

I think about it and I came to the conclusion that these can't coexist. Maybe I'm wrong and it's more complicated than I thought but every low self-esteem thing which I can specify is just comfort-illusion, because I don't want to feel like this. So if I found an argument for "low" I also find an explanation for it which have nothing to do with self-esteem. Like it's just fear or kindness. I really don't know what to think, but your opinion have sense too me as well, couse even word "better" is not the best for that "special" or "different" feeling. I just feel like someone who understand more, who feels more, who don't care about things which everyone love (like fashion, sport, celebs, tv etc) and it's makes me I don't know, proud? I also judge people too soon. Anyway I feel worse too. That I'm not open enough, I have no skills, that everyone are so productive and brave, that I always look silly and childish etc.

As I can see you guys mostly answered for these questions different that I could. I start to feel like a bad person which doesn't care about anything. Narcissistic, egoistic. But maybe it just comes from depression?
 
LiLeila said:
I know there is a difference between these terms but I try to thought about this as one feeling. What I mean is that I sometimes feel better than others, however I think we're equal. Anyway I also feel worse sometimes but it seems to have one roots.

Maybe so. But then acknowledging the variations of this one feeling was really important for me. To shift from a superiority complex to a mere state of reluctant acceptance...or confusion. For instance about what other people regard as important in their lives. Even confusion is better than hatred or feelings of superiority. Like the things you mentioned here...

LiLeila said:
I just feel like someone who understand more, who feels more, who don't care about things which everyone love (like fashion, sport, celebs, tv etc) and it's makes me I don't know, proud? I also judge people too soon. Anyway I feel worse too. That I'm not open enough, I have no skills, that everyone are so productive and brave, that I always look silly and childish etc.

As I can see you guys mostly answered for these questions different that I could. I start to feel like a bad person which doesn't care about anything. Narcissistic, egoistic. But maybe it just comes from depression?

When I went through depression years ago, I bounced back and forth between feeling useless because of my lack of professional goals - yet I still felt special/unique because of random interests in philosophy, literature, art...even higher morals. Like it would mean something on the grand scale or humanity. But it doesn't. Totally subjective. It was the most unhealthy mindset I ever had in my whole life.

You can be proud of your own interests and your personality, but that pride should not come from comparing yourself to others, but from recognizing how much these things mean to yourself. After all, there is no absolute standard to measure the "value" of a person. The things you care about and others don't (and vice versa) have arbitrary value. It's no use trying to impose subjective standards onto others.

I still find it incredibly hard to follow this rule myself. I judge just as quickly because I know what I value in myself and within others. When I don't find these values in someone, I discard them. Maybe it's because I realized life is too short to surround yourself with incompatible people. Yet I have to repeat for myself that this is not an expression of my "higher human value". It's personal taste, plain and simple. There is no self-validation to be gained from it and it does not make you bad either. But it helps you to find like-minded people which you can care about because they care about the same things as you. Not more and not less.

If your standards are as rigid as mine you could end up discarding a whole lot of people though...you might just have to live with that.
 
Rodent said:
When I went through depression years ago, I bounced back and forth between feeling useless because of my lack of professional goals - yet I still felt special/unique because of random interests in philosophy, literature, art...even higher morals. Like it would mean something on the grand scale or humanity. But it doesn't. Totally subjective. It was the most unhealthy mindset I ever had in my whole life.
Maybe I'm on that road with this mindset just now. I think you understand my situation so it's good to hear that I'm not that bad ;p I wish to understand myself more. I think I have too much time to think about it ironically now.
 
As some have implied, I think they are indeed sometimes the same thing (As some might put it, they 'co-exist').
Inflated self-esteem comes from having insecurities. People use arrogance as a means to cover up for the things they perceive as weaknesses.
Ever meet a 'blockhead' type macho-guy? He's probably covering up what he has perceived as an intellectual weakness with physical strength, or maybe an insecurity over his body or physical appearance.
Ever meet a ditzy girl who is preoccupied with vanity and her own reflection? Same thing.
Sometimes covering up intellectual insecurity with "beauty". Other times covering up insecurity over physical-appearance with make-up and revealing clothes and etc.
Other times these people are even covering up true intellectual abilities due to how they are perceived by others in society as a 'weakness' and targeted, therefore only feigning stupidity and vanity to 'fit in'.
The well-to-do businessman or politician likely covering up perceived loneliness, failure, etc.
There are many different types of people using inflated egos or pushing their esteem in order to cover up the things they have always seen in themselves as failures or flaws.

When you meet someone who is very arrogant or vain, it's often due to insecurity. There are some people who have been spoiled to the point of true ignorance of their own abilities and ignorance of the world around them, but generally these people are from wealthy families and such. Not always, though. Just watch a show like American Idol and you can see lots of those kind of people in the 'Auditions', and I'm sure not all of them are wealthy. Just totally spoiled by mommy/daddy, I guess.

In any case, if you find yourself bouncing back and forth between arrogance/insecurity then there is a solution. You need to understand yourself better. This means to identify the things you perceive as flaws, your weaknesses, and address them realistically.
Sometimes this may mean to simply accept the reality, that you're not really great at some thing or maybe you're not the best singer (because American Idol...) or maybe have a disability, but simply to realize that these things do not stop you from achieving something and are merely a part of what makes you different and unique (because everyone is unique), and even things which make you great.
Other times this means to simply conquer those weaknesses.
Not the best painter, but want to paint? Not a problem. You just need lots and lots of practice.
Want to get good greats in school, but aren't doing very well right now? No problem, you just need a lot of study. You might even need tutors. Asking for help takes courage, there is nothing wrong with it. Believing there is something wrong with asking for help is when there is actually something wrong.
Stuck in a wheelchair but want to climb Mt. Everest? No problem! People have already done stuff like this before, and some do succeed. They thought outside of the box, disregarded their fears, and just persevered to accomplish things that were previously thought to be impossible.

I don't know what your fears and insecurities may be. I don't know what hopes and dreams you have. But I don't think it matters, because whatever these things are you can conquer them with enough strength, enough conviction, and enough humility to ask for help when you need it.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top