Meetup: Why does this KEEP happening to me?

Not posted here much lately, I have had an awful lot going on and been suffering from SEVERE levels of anxiety of late, including extreme panic attacks, which I am battling hard to try to get control of.

I was feeling positive today, and had a meetup.com meetup planned from a while back. It wasn't really my thing, some amateur dramatics, but I thought it would be nice to go and mingle with some people as I have been very isolated lately, it's been remarkable that the main sources of support I've had have been people on forums like this, rather than people in real life who I have done a lot for over the years (and now it's my turn to need help, they all vanish!)

Anyway, on the meetup app a few people said they were going to a pub round the corner from the theatre for food, though some weren't and someone suggested meeting outside the theatre at 7.10pm for those who weren't going for food. I got the the theatre at 7.05 and stood outside, noting someone had just posted that they were still in the pub. So I replied that I was standing outside the theatre, with a description of myself, and said I looked forward to meeting them.

People kept filing past me, in dribs and drabs, but nothing that looked like a meetup group, and nobody spoke to me or responded on the app. So I posted that I was getting a bit anxious and wondered where everyone was. By the time it got to 7.25 (plays starting at 7.30) I just went inside and found a seat on my own, by this time my anxiety and frustration was already building as the entire point of going to a meetup thing had been so I wasn't sat on my own.

So I sat there feeling miserable while everyone around me was sat with people and I felt lonelier than ever, and so angry and frustrated that I'd actually made an effort to go along to meet people, and done everything I could to make my presence known, and people had clearly just walked past me and ignored me, like I am just totally invisible.

As the first play started there was this person behind me laughing extremely loudly and the mix of frustration and sadness in me started to build into a panic attack, I could feel my chest tightening and the adrenaline starting to flow, so I only lasted about half an hour and then had to get up and walk out.

What a pointless evening - but it's not the first Meetup I've been to where this has happened, people just don't seem capable of doing basic organisational things like making sure people can find the group in the first place and then informaition is posted which isn't right, I wonder how many other people suffer this kind of thing?

The last meetup I went to where I actually met someone, I wandered around a pub for about half an hour before the others all turned up together, and all seemed to already know each other, adding to my sense of complete loneliness.

I don't know what it is about me - I'm kind, honest, open, I treat others with respect, but it seems socially I am just completely and utterly invisible!

Meetup was really my last resort for meeting people out in the real world, I thing after this disaster I'm not sure if I'm ever going to bother again, why can't people just do basic organisation?!

I feel worn out now as the anxiety and other emotions are still trying to get hold of me and come out as some kind of attack and I've had to work hard to try to keep on top of them.

Seems other people on here have lots of success with meetup, I think I'm just doomed, if friends of years and years turn their backs on me, why should anyone new bother to get to know me? Seem people just don't see me at all.

TheWalkingDead said:

I don't know what it is about me - I'm kind, honest, open, I treat others with respect, but it seems socially I am just completely and utterly invisible!

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Not gonna lie, but many people don't like reading this sentences. They hate to hear someone complaining because in their minds you're responsible for everything that happens to you, and bad things can't never happen to a positive person.

I honestly don't know how to advise you. Something common that happens to "socially discordant" people is that we fail at social timing. You do things differently just in a way it collides with everyone else's. Arrive to late or to early, go when no one goes and misses when everyone else attends. If you are trying Meetup it should mean you had bad experiences with regular socializing. So I don't know what other alternatives can come after that. I can only hope you get a rest from this frustration soon. There's always going to be more chances, maybe your luck (I hate this word) gets a little better.

I dunno what to say about the situation but full credit to you for trying!

Don't give up, next time you'll have a much better time.

That sounds like an awful experience, both of them really, so sorry you had to go through this - actually the pub thing happened to me as well, at least twice, only I chickened out and when I saw them arriving all together I left (also I was pissed because they left a phone number and no one was answering).
One thing: are there maybe other meetups in the area, about doing something together (cooking, painting, etc) because maybe that works better for knowing people than these random meetings that don't leave a lot of space to talk to each other.
I think you are very, very, very brave to go to meetups when suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, and these things that would be otherwise small inconveniences weight a ton and a half, but maybe it was in fact just two accidents in a row. This said, I would look for a different meetup group, if I were you...

TheWalkingDead said:

I don't know what it is about me - I'm kind, honest, open, I treat others with respect, but it seems socially I am just completely and utterly invisible!

Meetup was really my last resort for meeting people out in the real world, I thing after this disaster I'm not sure if I'm ever going to bother again, why can't people just do basic organisation?!

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I'm sorry about your experience. I don't know you at all but I believe you deserved a lot better than what happened to you.

I really hope that when you got home you went to that meet-up page and let them know that you WERE there. Tell them what you were wearing and where you sat. Ask them what the hell happened. Don't blame yourself for these mix-ups. I hope you have better luck the next time. And when the next time comes point out right away that you will be there and you tell them exactly where they want you to be. I would bet that they did not avoid you on purpose.

Good luck.

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Xpendable said:

Not gonna lie, but many people don't like reading this sentences. They hate to hear someone complaining because in their minds you're responsible for everything that happens to you, and bad things can't never happen to a positive person.

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Why don't you give it up and go back where you came from and be miserable all by yourself? This guy really needs to hear this crap now? This guy is more positive then you will ever dream to be.

I agree with Peaches. You are extremely brave to givr meetup a try whilst suffering from anxiety. Eventhough it didnt go well, and I am sorry it didnt, I hope you can see that the fact that you pushed yourself to do this is the bigger achievement. Especially since it didnt go well the first time either.

I still think you should try again at least a few more times. I mean i know its going to be scary but the thing about meeting people is that you have to deal with a lot of failed attempts before you meet one good person or group. And in this particular situation maybe the others who walked past you were just as nervous about approaching another stranger or maybe some of them were a bit too buzzed up to check their phones etc?

Again, good on you for trying. Perhaps the next time you try out some other interest groups? And maybe contact one member and make plans to meet up with them first?

Meetup sucks.

There is a reasonable probability it isn't you that's the problem. Some of the people told me point blank that the groups were awful and a waste of time, and these are people who aren't social failures like me.

there is no hope said:

Meetup sucks.

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No, not really. It depends on the one you join. Even I went to a couple of meetups and I had a nice time.

Try getting together with people who aren't just looking to casually hang out? Join an activist group, or a voulunteer group, or any kind of group with some kind of organizational structure...

I don't do the whole meet at the pub bull honeysuckle... a lot of the groups i'm in have events like that, but... i don't go to those...

I'll go to events were there is going to be a speaker, some sort of topic, some sort of activity I can fall back on in case the socialization part doesn't really happen... that way if i don't do any significant socializing at least i still got something out of it... plus it's a great ice breaker to have some sort of shared activity... as opposed to just showing up somewhere to aimlessly shoot the honeysuckle...

Xpendable said:

TheWalkingDead said:

I don't know what it is about me - I'm kind, honest, open, I treat others with respect, but it seems socially I am just completely and utterly invisible!

Click to expand...

Not gonna lie, but many people don't like reading this sentences. They hate to hear someone complaining because in their minds you're responsible for everything that happens to you, and bad things can't never happen to a positive person.

Click to expand...

What? Why wouldn't anyone like reading that? That's just explaining how they are and how they feel. That doesn't even make sense that many people wouldn't like reading that. It's just a simple sentence.

BeyondShy said:

TheWalkingDead said:

I don't know what it is about me - I'm kind, honest, open, I treat others with respect, but it seems socially I am just completely and utterly invisible!

Meetup was really my last resort for meeting people out in the real world, I thing after this disaster I'm not sure if I'm ever going to bother again, why can't people just do basic organisation?!

Click to expand...

I'm sorry about your experience. I don't know you at all but I believe you deserved a lot better than what happened to you.

I really hope that when you got home you went to that meet-up page and let them know that you WERE there. Tell them what you were wearing and where you sat. Ask them what the hell happened. Don't blame yourself for these mix-ups. I hope you have better luck the next time. And when the next time comes point out right away that you will be there and you tell them exactly where they want you to be. I would bet that they did not avoid you on purpose.

Good luck.

Click to expand...

This.. You got to find out what happened, even if all it does it kick them into not making that mistake next time

Thanks for all the supportive replies!

I did make my feelings known - maybe a bit too vociferously! The response was basically that they waited outside at 7.10 and everyone else managed to find each other so it was my problem! So I still don't understand what happened maybe they need to learn to use the app to coordinate!

Some good ideas on future ones - I guess part of the appeal was there wouldn't be too much pressure to talk! But the whole thing backfired spectacularly!

Ironically I had been to a cinema meetup with this group where they did wait outside but the one person I knew had pulled out so I didn't know anyone. But in general it does seem group of random people with only connection being location so maybe not right group for me!

Obviously with my anxiety levels as they are the whole situation got magnified out of all proportion. I am heading off for some planned solitude by the sea to try to get my head and heart together so will look at options when I return, although I have a big battle with my health to try to deal with first!

Thanks again your replies mean a lot to me!

Its so great that you're looking at it all as a learning experience . Hope you have a relaxing time by the sea and that your health is better!

Ah, actually they said they waited INSIDE the doorway, this was quite a small entrance with dozens of people trailing in - so how did they expect someone who didn't know anyone to know which the meetup people were?!

Also it'd help if people in their 60s didn't use pictures of when they were 20 as their meetup pics as it makes it kinda hard to recognise people!

OP, you're absolutely right that some MeetUp organizers are fuckups and should be better organized. You can't help that, and you've had a string of bad luck. I've heard that from many people who've used MeetUp (I haven't).

However, from your description of events, it also sounds like you never spoke up and asked anyone IN PERSON if they were part of the MeetUp group (you mentioned people walking past you, and that no one spoke to you -- apologies if I missed anything). I understand that these things can make one anxious, but perhaps you could try reaching out a bit more if you feel like you're possibly missing out on the event because you can't find the group? I think once people start conversing in person, not many people will be checking the app (though the organizer should be doing this to find any stragglers).

Good points, but there were so many people, I did ask one person who stood near me on his own but he looked at me funny and said no he was one of the actors, so I felt more anxious asking anyone after that, and did post on the app 30 minutes before the event.

I think maybe I'll go back to my running group if I can stop my anxiety convincing me that every run is going to be my last!! I did make some friends in that group but then my work took over but now I can't work due to the anxiety maybe I can find more time!

Is there a social anxiety group in your area? If not - why not create one? I bet there are loads of people with bad experiences of meeting people (via meetup or generally) - you can use your experiences to create the group that YOU want to create - ie, well run, understanding, non cliquey (sp?) and fully inclusive, with a well thought out meeting point and a contact that will answer their phone or respond to text messages.

I'm a member of a social anxiety group and we have a great time, always consious that when new members sign up to events we give them plenty of time to arrive, choose a non-ambiguous meetup (like there's no point saying "meet outside WH Smiths" when there are two of them!) I'm lucky in that I'm pretty tall, dress alternatively and have blue hair - I stand out a mile so nobody can say I was never there

I now have the confidence to try other events, such as a general social group - they are lovely people too, but it took that initial springboard of the social anxiety group to get myself out there. That's all you need - just one decent meetup that works and gives you a boost.

Don't listen to the naysayers - keep going and you will find what you are looking for

I have had more disasters than successes with meetup but I still attend as I'm used to being the social misfit and I'm glad to just get out of the house, even if people don't talk to me. I usually act like I don't care when things go wrong as most people in the groups seem to just look out for number one.

To be honest I do find that most of the groups are badly organised and I have endured a lot of stress because of this. No one seems to look out for each other and as we are all adults I guess we are expected to act like adults and just cope. I know that quiet, sensitive members are often overlooked which isn't fair but it's survival of the fittest wherever you go.

I actually emailed a group organiser this morning to give her a piece of my mind as she keeps changing the dates of her events and then i end up not being able to go. I'm still waiting for a reply.

Nowadays I only attend events if I am familiar with the venue or I people that are going.

If you have the ap, then you should be able to see people's profile pics. I know some of them aren't very clear and some people have pics of animals which I don't understand but some should be identifiable.

I hope you stick with meetup and have better luck soon.

Good to see it was just a misunderstanding

I went to a different meetup last week, it's generally made up of professional middle aged and upwards (though not exclusively) like myself, it was just a group walk but found this much better as I had been to this group before so saw some familiar faces and talked to some new people too. It's a lot easier when you can move around and if talking gets too much can just hang back and look around at things.

They also have other activities such as meals, discussion groups and whatnot so it looks like it could be the group for me to focus on.

However, I am possibly planning to move to an area with a much lower population, and there are virtually no meetups, but one of the appeals is it is far from any city. Still, that may be the chance to start my own small meetup, or I could even commute to meetups as I will only be 2 hours away, and would need to commute for music and other gigs anyway, as well as possibly work!

Feeling in a much more positive place than when I wrote this thread, the replies at the time meant so much to me so thank you all at ALL!