Disconnected.

Disconnected...
If there were any single word that could sum everything up for me, it would be this one.

It's been years. But it feels like forever.
Time truly doesn't even seem to have any meaning to me anymore. It's not just a blur. It's not even in order.

I've never really fit in to society. Perhaps I lingered on the edge of death too long when I was younger, maybe it was watching everything I ever knew be destroyed, or maybe it's just who I am.
It wasn't always like it is now, though. I used to see things differently. I needed people, and I had hoped that they would need me. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have. I was shallow, but thought I had depth. But that was okay, because I wasn't the only one. They believed I was intelligent, and at some point I probably believed it too. I could convince others, just as well as myself, that I could fit into society. That I could conform, without conforming. That I could be necessary, but at the same time not necessary. How so very naive I was.

Looking back I don't know how that person could even have been me. Was he?
Maybe that life was nothing more than a dream. Or maybe that life was the only one ever real.

Fast forward to a few years ago. Probably more than a few now.
I think things finally caught up to me. Or maybe I caught up to them. The way that I think differently than everyone around me. The things I know, that no one else seems to know, or at least wants to know. The things I face that no one else seems to want to face. The attempts to connect with others like me, only to realize there were none. At least none I could find. It was just all too much. I finally gave in. The foundation collapsed. I couldn't be the same person I was anymore.

... But oddly, it's peaceful here in these ruins. It's all I've ever really known. Maybe this is just how things are meant to be?

Today I'm having some disassociative episodes... Everything I've been avoiding is catching up to me today.
What are you even supposed to do when absolutely nothing feels real anymore? When reality, dreams, and nightmares have absolutely no distinction anymore?

I don't know what you're supposed to do during such episodes. I know that what i would do is isolate myself for a day or two. Grab my bike and visit some secluded place surrounded by nature. Meditation. And what i want my reality to look like, so i can chase that. For me it can help to talk to a friend too, but usually only after those other steps are done.

I'm also now thinking that i think i would rather focus on getting myself together before doing anything with other people, maybe that's a better way of putting it. It just popped on in my head.

"Me" time that is what I do. No responsibility, no work, no obligation, just me until I'm charged enough to take on life once again

I've liked DespicableYou(me)' signature...

The key to get OUT is the same password you used to get in to disconnect.

I'll be back to learn about human souls

---

Rosebolt said:

I'm also now thinking that i think i would rather focus on getting myself together before doing anything with other people, maybe that's a better way of putting it. It just popped on in my head.

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Excellent!

I wish I found dozens like you. 

If i don't Love me, I can't love YOU more.