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aspalas

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Hi there, it's been a while since I've posted here but I really need to vent.

So, about a year ago I had a couple of panic attacks leading to social anxiety within my social life and especially within my studies. 2 years ago I decided to attend an art school, a year later I switched to another one because I didn't like the school I attended first. A couple of months after I started here the anxiety started too. I've been seeing a therapist until a month ago or so, I've pretty much eliminated the issues I've had in my social life but now the issues within my studies (extreme stress before class and presentations) have continued. Since I moved to the city my school is in 2 months back I'll have to find a new psychologist here, I'm working on that. Anyway, it's a real burden, and it partially lead to the following decision.

I'm quitting art school. I absolutely despise it. I hate almost every single student and teacher within my department. I never knew these kind of people existed, I'd best describe them as hugely condescending sociopaths, both my student councilor within the school aswell as my (ex-)psychologist, and the few friends I have within my department and school, agree on this according to my stories or in case of my fellow students their own experiences. Just to give an example, once I was told everybody within the department hated me and the 2 friends I have/had (1 dropped out) because "we didn't fit in". To be exact, I'm not a typical art school student, I have a broad interest and am a pretty normal guy in terms of lifestyle, interests, future plans, whereas most students in my department are enormously extravagant and, in my opinion, trying way too hard to be different. Besides that, filthy looks, no response when I greet people, this includes some teachers. A couple of days ago I've actually filed some official complaints against them for their behaviour, we'll see how that will work out.

Not only is this an absolutely awful social environment which probably is part of the cause of my social anxiety (not just that, also some other issues I won't discuss here), I also don't know why I've ever chosen for this, I don't like art that much, I don't want to be an artist, I'd rather be a normal person with a job and hopefully a family. I decided to only do things I like now, which kind of relieves the huge stress I feel every day before going to school (I'm always scared of having a panic attack or what not, every day I have to go to school, which is obviously taking it's toll). I decided to just finish the year doing whatever I want and not following courses, mandatory or not, I don't like. I'll probably apply for history at a university nearby. I know some other people who study there (not history though) and say it's a nice place to study.

Anyway, the thing that bothers me the most now is the social anxiety. I'm not sure if I'll overcome it, ever. I used to be outgoing and very comfortable in school (I've had a bit of a shitty home situation so school has always been my "safe place"), and now it's been the place I hate the most. I'm afraid I won't be able to cope with studying history either because of it. I'll try to see a psychologist ASAP but at the moment I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading, any comments are hugely appreciated.
 
aspalas said:
Hi there, it's been a while since I've posted here but I really need to vent.

So, about a year ago I had a couple of panic attacks leading to social anxiety within my social life and especially within my studies. 2 years ago I decided to attend an art school, a year later I switched to another one because I didn't like the school I attended first. A couple of months after I started here the anxiety started too. I've been seeing a therapist until a month ago or so, I've pretty much eliminated the issues I've had in my social life but now the issues within my studies (extreme stress before class and presentations) have continued. Since I moved to the city my school is in 2 months back I'll have to find a new psychologist here, I'm working on that. Anyway, it's a real burden, and it partially lead to the following decision.

I'm quitting art school. I absolutely despise it. I hate almost every single student and teacher within my department. I never knew these kind of people existed, I'd best describe them as hugely condescending sociopaths, both my student councilor within the school aswell as my (ex-)psychologist, and the few friends I have within my department and school, agree on this according to my stories or in case of my fellow students their own experiences. Just to give an example, once I was told everybody within the department hated me and the 2 friends I have/had (1 dropped out) because "we didn't fit in". To be exact, I'm not a typical art school student, I have a broad interest and am a pretty normal guy in terms of lifestyle, interests, future plans, whereas most students in my department are enormously extravagant and, in my opinion, trying way too hard to be different. Besides that, filthy looks, no response when I greet people, this includes some teachers. A couple of days ago I've actually filed some official complaints against them for their behaviour, we'll see how that will work out.

Not only is this an absolutely awful social environment which probably is part of the cause of my social anxiety (not just that, also some other issues I won't discuss here), I also don't know why I've ever chosen for this, I don't like art that much, I don't want to be an artist, I'd rather be a normal person with a job and hopefully a family. I decided to only do things I like now, which kind of relieves the huge stress I feel every day before going to school (I'm always scared of having a panic attack or what not, every day I have to go to school, which is obviously taking it's toll). I decided to just finish the year doing whatever I want and not following courses, mandatory or not, I don't like. I'll probably apply for history at a university nearby. I know some other people who study there (not history though) and say it's a nice place to study.

Anyway, the thing that bothers me the most now is the social anxiety. I'm not sure if I'll overcome it, ever. I used to be outgoing and very comfortable in school (I've had a bit of a shitty home situation so school has always been my "safe place"), and now it's been the place I hate the most. I'm afraid I won't be able to cope with studying history either because of it. I'll try to see a psychologist ASAP but at the moment I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading, any comments are hugely appreciated.

i understand the social anxiety and not fitting in, im having the same trouble currently in my new school, people dont speak to me they look at me as if im a freak and hell just like you i dont like the school or what i do. wish i could give you some advice but im in honeysuckle as well i wish you the best of luck.
 
Well, don't give up on school - if you're interested in history, I say apply to that program instead and don't talk yourself out of it because of your bad experience at art school. College is very challenging for sure (it's meant to be) but it is worth it to finish. It will open a lot of doors for you when you graduate.
Also, you're not the only one with severe anxiety about presentations. Just thinking about it right now is making me sweat. I remember giving a presentation in a philosophy class in college on phenomenology and I still have no idea what the hell I was talking about lol. But somehow I made it though the presentation.
Stick around and keep us updated on how you're doing! :)

-Teresa
 
Hello aspalas, good to see you around again.

I remember back then when you were really excited getting into this school. I'm sorry that it didn't work out as smoothly as you would've wanted it. It makes me wonder though, if it's really social anxiety, what difference would it make if you change your program or change your school? Other schools will still have presentations and will still have a variety type of people.

It's a good idea to talk to a therapist about your current issues. In the meantime, try not to worry about it too much. I know this doesn't sound like much, but when I had work anxiety for years, the only thing that I did that would help me get through such a difficult day was distractions and activities to keep myself occupied. Things that would take my mind off work and the anxiety.

Best of luck, hope you'll find some appropriate resolutions in time.
 
Thanks for the response.

Yeah I'm not sure how this happened ladyforsaken, it just didn't turn out how I expected. Also for practical reasons it seems like a bad idea to finish this studies, because it basically means a "worthless" diploma (at least to me, because I have no ambition to become an artist (anymore)). Setting aside all the social issues, I still don't want to complete it and rather do something else. Last week it kind of hit me, I guess it's the same feeling as when you push a joke too far or something like that, it suddenly hits you that it's not funny anymore. I've kind of had a "we'll see what happens" attitude and just made myself believe I had all the time in the world to do something I like, but I just realised that I'm growing older and this is not the path I want to take.

I actually wonder how much the social situation at school has affected me and has "caused" my problems (so like you said, how much difference would changing programs make). The fact is that I've never felt so unaccepted in my life, I might not be the most normal person around but I've never had to put up with things like this, throughout high school and the art school I attended before, I felt accepted. My therapist also said, according to what I've told, that the "not feeling part of the group" is the leading cause of the anxiety I'm experiencing. I've experienced it before but not to this extent.

Anyway, first thing in the morning I'll call my GP and hopefully I'll find a good new therapist in the near future. Until then I'm taking things easy. I'll have a chat with the student councilor and the coordinator of my department to give them an update about my situation, and basically if I don't feel like taking a class for whatever reason, I just won't. Although "exposure" is probably the best cure for the anxiety, I absolutely feel depleted at the moment, so I'm not going to force myself to do it or feel bad about it. I'll probably just focus on whatever I want to do. I can work in the workshops whenever I want and make something nice for the presentation at the end of the semester, working on my own was the thing I liked most last year, so I guess I'll focus on that this year, too.

I've looked into where I want to study history, by the way, and I think I've found a nice university. One of my friends studies history there and my uncle has been a lecturer there for a while (he's a historian), and I've informed with them and it seems like a good choice, plus it's regarded as one of the best history programs in Europe. The friend said I'd fit right in and it would suit me well, which was nice to hear because I really value his opinion (we've been in high school together). In the first year you'll always follow the smaller classes (everything besides lectures) with the same group of people (about 15), since in the first year you'll have to follow mandatory courses only. Plenty of opportunity to become comfortable and form a tight bond with a fixed group of people, that kind of eases my mind.

Thanks again for responding by the way :)
 
I see. Now I understand better what your situation is like. If your interest isn't there, it's not easy to stick with it. I should know that .. I stuck with a program and career I didn't want in the first place, for 9 years.. and that's only partly what caused me major work anxiety. I felt worlds better after I switched jobs. In your case, exploring change could do wonders.

It sounds like you know what you will do with regards to your situation. That's a good start, being aware of what you can or cannot take and what you will do about it. At the same time, making sure that you're not forcing yourself just cos it might seem like the right thing to do or something. I always believe that when it comes to studies or career, you gotta do something you like or you are just wasting your time and effort. Unless you're someone who doesn't mind doing that and can put up with it. I personally can't. I excel better at doing things that interest me.

Seems like you've done your research on this history program and the university too. As long as you know what you're getting into, have done your research and feel that it's a better option, then I'd say go for it and make the best out of it. Plus, like you said, you have your uncle and friend to vouch for the program and university, so that's a bonus.

Keep us updated about how it goes and what you end up doing. Whatever it is, I certainly hope that your decisions made will be worthwhile and for the best. Good luck, aspalas.
 
For now I've decided to stop following 2 courses that are going on right now. They're pretty short and I don't feel like following them (they're both not very interesting and I don't feel comfortable in either of them). In my free time I'll just work on "my own" stuff, for now that's making some music and reading some history books my uncle gave me. I've sent the student councilor an e-mail, he knows some good psychologists, my GP wrote me a referral to a psychologist last monday so it's covered by my insurance.

I feel pretty good at the moment, I'm a lot less stressed out about everything, although I feel kind of "bad" for not following those 2 courses anymore. They make up about half of my hours at school at the moment. I haven't yet told anyone of the staff I'm quitting yet, I guess I'll do that soon. I still think it's a good choice to quit, but I'm still a bit in doubt of where to study. There's basically 2 choices for me, either the university I told about or the one in my "hometown", where I grew up and have a pretty solid social life. In terms of quality I'd rather choose for the first, and if I didn't have these social problems right now I'd be thrilled to start a new adventure in a new city, make friends, etc., but that seems to be a bit of a problem at the moment, I'm not sure if I'm capable of doing that right now, but I still have a year so I guess I shouldn't worry about that at this point.

Again, thanks for the response.
 
Glad to hear that you got some of those things done, at least you're doing something about this. I hope it all goes well for you. Best of luck.
 

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