Collapse/Rebuild. (long post)

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Niantiel

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After thinking about my life, in great detail over the last few weeks. I have had to take a full introspective analysis of myself. And what I found is that I need to collapse the life that I have built for myself, and rebuild it, and repair myself.

That means that I am giving up A LOT. and that a lot of things will be a challenge on the long road. This will hurt like Hell, it will sting like an electric shock.

But, I have come to the conclusion that, leaving my job because my boss is egotistical and abusive, and leaving my long-since ago broken relationship, and dropping the alcohol and drugs, are probably the best decisions I could make for myself.

Well, why does this hurt??

I am giving up my security, basically. My independence. At least, momentarily.

I'm doing this because I sort of got de-railed and lost in the comfort of things and sort of lost track of how to control myself, budgeting, in sobriety, in routine scheduling and planning. That and, the older I get, the more the nerve damage wears on me from doing physical labor most of my life.

Also, I have things that I need to actually take the time to deal with. Personal very traumatizing things that happened to me. I never took the time to REALLY deal with them, I only sort of bandaid fixed them, so that I could continue being a functioning adult.

My little sister is pregnant, and I am about to be an uncle coming in April. :)


Being an artistic and spiritual person, I was never MEANT to be as successful as my life had been at one point. The whole thing was an honest fluke and a series of coincidental happenings. I did it because I wanted the money, and because I was trying to help my roommate get her own life together for the last 3 years.

But, now I have to take the time to do for Myself.
I AM sort of naturally a self-destructive person.
So, in the words of my former guitarist, when I went to explain to him that I am going to finally move back home after 6 years of being where I'm at:

"....You spend so much time building and building and building a life....you're ripping the foundation apart..."

He understands though, he knows why. It's just, difficult for him as someone who genuinely loves and cares about me to see. Heh. I think that it's something, that only a few people would really understand.


My biggest musical influence in the last 9 years has been Selim Lemouchi. Who said something along the lines of:

SL: "In short: I had to put the rational thoughts that limit us aside. Instead of that I had to follow my instincts. For 25 years or longer, you think in a certain way. To break that down was the biggest challenge. It wasn't the voices around me asking me what I was doing, but the voice within...the angel on my shoulder, so to say."

Interviewer: "Is that angel still there?"

SL: "No, I completely destroyed it."


And I've watched that interview, oh I don't know how many times now, but it didn't really click, I didn't really understand that, until, rather recently.

So, this will be a healthy experience for me overall. Painful at first, because nothing worth having is acquired without pain and sacrifice in life, but finally getting "there" with it, will be extremely healthy and a good decision. So that I can again put my focuses back on my art.

A job is just a job, to anyone who is an artistic person or a creative person. Anything will do, really. To a large degree, they are all the same and relative, figuratively speaking. They have a functional purpose for demand of necessity, but no job I think, will ever really satisfy the id of someone who is an artist or defines or identifies themselves as being an artist. It is easy to chase success when the opportunity comes, but, as I have learned from my own experiences, it is also very dangerous to get lost in that chase.

Physically, I'm a bit roughed up, as a result of taking a demotion at my current job.
But mentally, I am feeling much, much better. I can handle my body getting the crap beat out of it, that's fine. I grew up kinda rough, so I'm sorta used to that. It's the psychological and emotional aspects of things though that I needed to have mellow down for me. And so this will I think be a positive experience, and a wonderful personal challenge. ;):D
 
Niantiel said:
After thinking about my life, in great detail over the last few weeks. I have had to take a full introspective analysis of myself. And what I found is that I need to collapse the life that I have built for myself, and rebuild it, and repair myself.

How did this go for you? I've been trying to do a similar thing with myself this year, trying to figure out why I've had this pattern of things not working out for me. I think I've made some breakthroughs, actually.

Niantiel said:
Well, why does this hurt??

I am giving up my security, basically. My independence. At least, momentarily.

I'm doing this because I sort of got de-railed and lost in the comfort of things and sort of lost track of how to control myself, budgeting, in sobriety, in routine scheduling and planning.

....

Also, I have things that I need to actually take the time to deal with. Personal very traumatizing things that happened to me. I never took the time to REALLY deal with them, I only sort of bandaid fixed them, so that I could continue being a functioning adult.

I felt the same way about some things. I found that even feeling like crap can be a comfort zone, feeling like I can't do the things I want, can't be successful, can't change the course I'm on no matter what. I used to feel like this, and then to take the edge off, I'd smoke weed, sleep in until the afternoon, watch re-runs, surf the net mindlessly and other bad habits to take the edge off of not going for anything and pushing through the fear that I couldn't.

My low self-image, though toxic for my self-esteem, was also comfortable. I'm not trying to say I had it worse than what you're alluding to, but I feel like part of why I got stuck on this pattern of feeling like I can't do or have anything is because I was bullied and treated like I was weak, uncool, "less than" by my peers in school, and I got used to feeling like there was something wrong with me, like I was a weirdo, a runt, inferior. I realized that I hadn't questioned that until recently in life. What helped with me is to accept that I was bullied, but that it was not a reflection on me. Rather it was a reflection on them - there was nothing wrong with me, it was just them choosing to be ******** and not at all my fault. I didn't deal with it, I wasn't confident, because I lacked the experience to know better. It's helped me let go of that, but I still have to be on guard not to fall into the trap of feeling inferior. It's been that way for so long it's become my default programming.

I'll find myself resisting change because with the low self-image, at least I could define myself. I thought that way for so long, that it feels weird to let go, because there isn't anything formed yet to take its place. It's like, what am I? I'm still not sure yet.

Niantiel said:
A job is just a job, to anyone who is an artistic person or a creative person. Anything will do, really. To a large degree, they are all the same and relative, figuratively speaking. They have a functional purpose for demand of necessity, but no job I think, will ever really satisfy the id of someone who is an artist or defines or identifies themselves as being an artist. It is easy to chase success when the opportunity comes, but, as I have learned from my own experiences, it is also very dangerous to get lost in that chase.

I couldn't agree more and this has been a big reason why it's been so hard for me to get a job - because I know that it is only a paycheck and has nothing to do with anything I care about, won't take me any closer to anywhere I want to go or the person I actually want to be.

Niantiel said:
And so this will I think be a positive experience, and a wonderful personal challenge. ;):D

Well, I hope it's been positive and would like to hear any insights you may have discovered on your introspective journey. Keep us posted if you feel like it.
 
Niantiel said:
A job is just a job, to anyone who is an artistic person or a creative person. Anything will do, really. To a large degree, they are all the same and relative, figuratively speaking. They have a functional purpose for demand of necessity, but no job I think, will ever really satisfy the id of someone who is an artist or defines or identifies themselves as being an artist. It is easy to chase success when the opportunity comes, but, as I have learned from my own experiences, it is also very dangerous to get lost in that chase.

A job may be just a job, but we need money to survive. I'd rather work somewhere I didn't particularly care for to have what I needed. Rent, food, utilities... I'd like to do what I creatively want to do as a job, but for now, I'd be happy with just a job that paid. At least I could get my own little place and support myself. I've sacrificed before. I know I don't need fancy things or a whole lot of money.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Niantiel said:
A job is just a job, to anyone who is an artistic person or a creative person. Anything will do, really. To a large degree, they are all the same and relative, figuratively speaking. They have a functional purpose for demand of necessity, but no job I think, will ever really satisfy the id of someone who is an artist or defines or identifies themselves as being an artist. It is easy to chase success when the opportunity comes, but, as I have learned from my own experiences, it is also very dangerous to get lost in that chase.

A job may be just a job, but we need money to survive. I'd rather work somewhere I didn't particularly care for to have what I needed. Rent, food, utilities... I'd like to do what I creatively want to do as a job, but for now, I'd be happy with just a job that paid. At least I could get my own little place and support myself. I've sacrificed before. I know I don't need fancy things or a whole lot of money.


I agree with Nilla. You do what you have to do to get your closer to where you want to be. Get a job, any job....there is always other jobs and opportunities/room for advancement, but first you have to get your foot in the door.

Also, Nilla, come live with me, dammit :club:
 
The point isn't about needing a job though. The fact that most people need jobs, or more accurately need money, doesn't invalidate how they feel about it, how they feel about being made to do something just to exist to keep doing that thing that has nothing to do with becoming the person you really want to be, with achieving your dreams.
 
TheSkaFish said:
The point isn't about needing a job though. The fact that most people need jobs, or more accurately need money, doesn't invalidate how they feel about it, how they feel about being made to do something just to exist to keep doing that thing that has nothing to do with becoming the person you really want to be, with achieving your dreams.

No, it doesn't invalidate it, but choosing not to get a job because it's not what you want could be deemed as entitlement, could it not?
 
TheRealCallie said:
No, it doesn't invalidate it, but choosing not to get a job because it's not what you want could be deemed as entitlement, could it not?

I really don't think so either. Should only already-rich people get to be artists? How can you get good enough to make money at your craft if you can't practice enough? But even that is also not the point.

I feel like the point OP was making was that he wants to be a creative person, and that a job is just a job to someone who wants to be artistic because it doesn't grow any of your creative skill, regardless of how much money you're making. So the job is just a paycheck, and while you may need it to live, it doesn't satisfy the needs of your soul if it is important to you to have an identity as a creative, artistic person.

All I was saying was that as someone who wants to be more creative myself, I understand where the OP is coming from, at least in this regard.
 
Congrats on the lifestyle change. I've recently had to do something similar myself. I can also attest to the fact that some jobs are just to tedious and actually leave you too drained to he creative. My passion is writing, but I played in bands when I was younger. May I offer some advice?

The best networking I ever did was working jobs where artists frequented. Have you thought about bartending, working at a cafe, or maybe a music store? There's also a market for lessons. A guy I know also quit a 90k a year job to start an entry level position at Fender.

Sometimes, though, you have to bite the bullet just to stay in the scene. Gear costs money. Guitar strings, cleaner, drum heads, cords, etc. Few things are more embarrassing that being in the middle of a set and busting a bass drum and having no spare. You would also be surprised at how many "stand up citizens" at those jobs just might be your ticket to better connections in the scene.

Best of luck
 
TheSkaFish said:
I really don't think so either. Should only already-rich people get to be artists? How can you get good enough to make money at your craft if you can't practice enough? But even that is also not the point.

No, that shouldn't be limited to rich people but if you choose not to get a job for that reason then you'd better already have a talent you've identified that you can work on and have the ability to succeed with. Not getting a job for that reason without having that is just shooting yourself in the foot.
 
Essentially what I'm doing is gearing my life to be in music in profession for production/live sound, rigging, promotion, audio engineering, and mixing later on. I'm not saying totally quit the job, I'm saying put less of an emphasis on it than I have to, so that I can take what I like doing, and combine it with what I've learned about business. The goal is to not hate the job you're doing and still make a decent but not crazy amount of money.

One thing I've learned is that if you stretch ANY job out to make a large amount of money instead of you being in control of the situation, the money is in control of the situation, and you are just it's circumstantial host.

There are smarter ways to do things. Not all of them require swindling off of your other musical brothers and sisters, either. You just have to know what you're doing, how you're doing it, and what you're investing into.



More importantly, why's a thread I made a year ago still going?? I'm not sure if I should feel loved, hated, or admired. Hahaha.
 
Niantiel said:
More importantly, why's a thread I made a year ago still going?? I'm not sure if I should feel loved, hated, or admired. Hahaha.

I'm sorry if I derailed your thread. I just felt like some of the ideas in your thread jumped out at me.

Sounds like you have a plan though, so that's good.
 
I am glad because you take control over your life and have courage to take actions .Tony Robins sayd if you don like your job change it ,if you dont like your body change it ,if you dont like your life change it .Congratulation for taking initiative to change your life
 

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