Niantiel
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- Joined
- Dec 6, 2014
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After thinking about my life, in great detail over the last few weeks. I have had to take a full introspective analysis of myself. And what I found is that I need to collapse the life that I have built for myself, and rebuild it, and repair myself.
That means that I am giving up A LOT. and that a lot of things will be a challenge on the long road. This will hurt like Hell, it will sting like an electric shock.
But, I have come to the conclusion that, leaving my job because my boss is egotistical and abusive, and leaving my long-since ago broken relationship, and dropping the alcohol and drugs, are probably the best decisions I could make for myself.
Well, why does this hurt??
I am giving up my security, basically. My independence. At least, momentarily.
I'm doing this because I sort of got de-railed and lost in the comfort of things and sort of lost track of how to control myself, budgeting, in sobriety, in routine scheduling and planning. That and, the older I get, the more the nerve damage wears on me from doing physical labor most of my life.
Also, I have things that I need to actually take the time to deal with. Personal very traumatizing things that happened to me. I never took the time to REALLY deal with them, I only sort of bandaid fixed them, so that I could continue being a functioning adult.
My little sister is pregnant, and I am about to be an uncle coming in April.
Being an artistic and spiritual person, I was never MEANT to be as successful as my life had been at one point. The whole thing was an honest fluke and a series of coincidental happenings. I did it because I wanted the money, and because I was trying to help my roommate get her own life together for the last 3 years.
But, now I have to take the time to do for Myself.
I AM sort of naturally a self-destructive person.
So, in the words of my former guitarist, when I went to explain to him that I am going to finally move back home after 6 years of being where I'm at:
"....You spend so much time building and building and building a life....you're ripping the foundation apart..."
He understands though, he knows why. It's just, difficult for him as someone who genuinely loves and cares about me to see. Heh. I think that it's something, that only a few people would really understand.
My biggest musical influence in the last 9 years has been Selim Lemouchi. Who said something along the lines of:
SL: "In short: I had to put the rational thoughts that limit us aside. Instead of that I had to follow my instincts. For 25 years or longer, you think in a certain way. To break that down was the biggest challenge. It wasn't the voices around me asking me what I was doing, but the voice within...the angel on my shoulder, so to say."
Interviewer: "Is that angel still there?"
SL: "No, I completely destroyed it."
And I've watched that interview, oh I don't know how many times now, but it didn't really click, I didn't really understand that, until, rather recently.
So, this will be a healthy experience for me overall. Painful at first, because nothing worth having is acquired without pain and sacrifice in life, but finally getting "there" with it, will be extremely healthy and a good decision. So that I can again put my focuses back on my art.
A job is just a job, to anyone who is an artistic person or a creative person. Anything will do, really. To a large degree, they are all the same and relative, figuratively speaking. They have a functional purpose for demand of necessity, but no job I think, will ever really satisfy the id of someone who is an artist or defines or identifies themselves as being an artist. It is easy to chase success when the opportunity comes, but, as I have learned from my own experiences, it is also very dangerous to get lost in that chase.
Physically, I'm a bit roughed up, as a result of taking a demotion at my current job.
But mentally, I am feeling much, much better. I can handle my body getting the crap beat out of it, that's fine. I grew up kinda rough, so I'm sorta used to that. It's the psychological and emotional aspects of things though that I needed to have mellow down for me. And so this will I think be a positive experience, and a wonderful personal challenge.
That means that I am giving up A LOT. and that a lot of things will be a challenge on the long road. This will hurt like Hell, it will sting like an electric shock.
But, I have come to the conclusion that, leaving my job because my boss is egotistical and abusive, and leaving my long-since ago broken relationship, and dropping the alcohol and drugs, are probably the best decisions I could make for myself.
Well, why does this hurt??
I am giving up my security, basically. My independence. At least, momentarily.
I'm doing this because I sort of got de-railed and lost in the comfort of things and sort of lost track of how to control myself, budgeting, in sobriety, in routine scheduling and planning. That and, the older I get, the more the nerve damage wears on me from doing physical labor most of my life.
Also, I have things that I need to actually take the time to deal with. Personal very traumatizing things that happened to me. I never took the time to REALLY deal with them, I only sort of bandaid fixed them, so that I could continue being a functioning adult.
My little sister is pregnant, and I am about to be an uncle coming in April.
Being an artistic and spiritual person, I was never MEANT to be as successful as my life had been at one point. The whole thing was an honest fluke and a series of coincidental happenings. I did it because I wanted the money, and because I was trying to help my roommate get her own life together for the last 3 years.
But, now I have to take the time to do for Myself.
I AM sort of naturally a self-destructive person.
So, in the words of my former guitarist, when I went to explain to him that I am going to finally move back home after 6 years of being where I'm at:
"....You spend so much time building and building and building a life....you're ripping the foundation apart..."
He understands though, he knows why. It's just, difficult for him as someone who genuinely loves and cares about me to see. Heh. I think that it's something, that only a few people would really understand.
My biggest musical influence in the last 9 years has been Selim Lemouchi. Who said something along the lines of:
SL: "In short: I had to put the rational thoughts that limit us aside. Instead of that I had to follow my instincts. For 25 years or longer, you think in a certain way. To break that down was the biggest challenge. It wasn't the voices around me asking me what I was doing, but the voice within...the angel on my shoulder, so to say."
Interviewer: "Is that angel still there?"
SL: "No, I completely destroyed it."
And I've watched that interview, oh I don't know how many times now, but it didn't really click, I didn't really understand that, until, rather recently.
So, this will be a healthy experience for me overall. Painful at first, because nothing worth having is acquired without pain and sacrifice in life, but finally getting "there" with it, will be extremely healthy and a good decision. So that I can again put my focuses back on my art.
A job is just a job, to anyone who is an artistic person or a creative person. Anything will do, really. To a large degree, they are all the same and relative, figuratively speaking. They have a functional purpose for demand of necessity, but no job I think, will ever really satisfy the id of someone who is an artist or defines or identifies themselves as being an artist. It is easy to chase success when the opportunity comes, but, as I have learned from my own experiences, it is also very dangerous to get lost in that chase.
Physically, I'm a bit roughed up, as a result of taking a demotion at my current job.
But mentally, I am feeling much, much better. I can handle my body getting the crap beat out of it, that's fine. I grew up kinda rough, so I'm sorta used to that. It's the psychological and emotional aspects of things though that I needed to have mellow down for me. And so this will I think be a positive experience, and a wonderful personal challenge.