Life Wasted (Lost years)

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Jamc88

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How does one get into a relationship? Seriously? I am in my late twenties and have had only one proper girlfriend years ago. I never seem to be anything other than a stranger to people. In my mid teens I was picked on at school because I came from the countryside and they all lived in the town and knew each-other from primary school so I've always been the outsider and very shy but after I finished school I got more confident and my late teens and very early twenties looked good but the last few years I've regressed.
When I had a girlfriend I was out doing stuff so I met lots of people. Some of them were attractive women who flirted with me. I couldn't do anything really because I was supposedly in a "good" relationship and my girlfriend would be standing next to me frowning at me. As soon as we split up I became a bit depressed and didn't find anyone attractive unless they fit the model of my ex-girlfriend so in hindsight I probably wasted a lot of opportunities. I was living in a city at the time and if I'd been more positive I could have found another girlfriend but I kept putting things off and doing the easiest thing.
At the moment I live in a rural area and everyone is either a kid or middle aged. I would say I have been at times very socially awkward but now I know nothing is ever going to happen so I don't give a fresia anymore. Do you remember when you first went out to pubs when you were 17 or slightly older if you're reading in America?
And you thought "I could get laid. It could happen. Now that I'm not in the confines of the school social structure but in a pub with alcohol and people that don't know how unpopular I am at school, it could happen". But it never did.
I look almost exactly the same as I did when I was 20. Women are just not interested in me. Even if a girl starts to talk to me it doesn't take her long to figure out I'm not that happy with my life. I'm too self-deprecating. I have a skilled but manual labor type job which I'm not really suited to. I don't fit in with the other people who work as tradesmen. I would rather do something intelligent but I messed up my education by hating school so much.
I go out on my own occasionally, but its deppressing and there has to be some kind of thing to focus on like a band. I couldn't just go to a bar on my own. If there was ever a time when being the mysterious loner was cool then it certainly isn't now.
I don't want to approach women and start talking to them when I feel like my life's a bit of a mess. I haven't got it together so I'm not going to waste their time but if someone starts talking to ME then I always find some way to fresia that up as well. I think I am sexually paranoid. When I'm at home alone I want sex. When I'm out at night, I hate it and want to be on my own and can't imagine being charming enough to meet someone and remain in touch. GOd knows how people manage to drink a lot and then have sex with someone they've just met.
I didn't used to care about being single but its gone on so long and for the most part I haven't been having any sex or dating if you want to call it that. Aside from the fact that I hate my job, I am honeysuckle at keeping in touch with scattered friends I may have and I haven't had a girlfriend for years, I'm not actually that bad. I'm outdoorsy, quite funny, I have a lot to talk about and I care about other people. I just don't know how people end up together. I'm not faddy, not on Facebook or twitter. I don't dress like a popstar or a pick up artist. I just wear jeans that fit properly and shirts and I have a Jesse Eisenberg hairstyle that I've had for about 10 years. I'm less than six foot tall but only slightly. And despite the ranting nature of this post my attitude to women or just other people in general isn't terrible. I don't blame women for my trouble, I know deep down that things just haven't fallen into place for me. I'm just a slightly cynical, frustrated working class man under 30. At about my age everyone seems to be settling into relationships. I don't envy them for I wouldn't want their exact lives but at the same time life isn't really living when you do everything on your own.
I want to have memories of driving around the countryside laughing and enjoying weekends with a girlfriend or drinking at night with someone that I haven't just met. Listening to good music with someone. Having sex to the point where I am no longer paranoid because I haven't done it for ages but just really comfortable and confident.
How do some people just breeze through life and relationships and other people are messed up?
 
Personally, I think everyone is "messed up" in some way. We all have problems and issues and whatever, but it's about how you handle it. Whether you choose to let it stop your life or even postpone it.
You know what to do, you know how to have a girlfriend and friends, you are just standing in your own way because of the bad honeysuckle that's happened. Stop doing the self depreciation crap and focus on the good things about yourself. Go out and have fun, meet new people, be yourself and smile. You will find friends and/or a girlfriend, you just have to give yourself (and others) a chance.

Stop focusing on what has already happened and live in the present.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Personally, I think everyone is "messed up" in some way. We all have problems and issues and whatever, but it's about how you handle it. Whether you choose to let it stop your life or even postpone it.
You know what to do, you know how to have a girlfriend and friends, you are just standing in your own way because of the bad honeysuckle that's happened. Stop doing the self depreciation crap and focus on the good things about yourself. Go out and have fun, meet new people, be yourself and smile. You will find friends and/or a girlfriend, you just have to give yourself (and others) a chance.

Stop focusing on what has already happened and live in the present.

Yeah, you're so right.
It does feel better to type it all out though. Nearly everyone has something about their life that they are either embarrassed about or not happy with or worried about. At least at this stage its something fairly fixable and not an incurable disease or something. But it's not as easy as that to simply go out and be yourself and have fun. I want to but it's difficult. I don't always think about the past, but when you're used to reacting to things in a certain way they become a habit so things that I would have done when I was a kid at school are similar in adult situations because I am basically the same person but with more layers built up. Thanks for telling it like it is though
 
TheRealCallie said:
Personally, I think everyone is "messed up" in some way. We all have problems and issues and whatever, but it's about how you handle it. Whether you choose to let it stop your life or even postpone it.
You know what to do, you know how to have a girlfriend and friends, you are just standing in your own way because of the bad honeysuckle that's happened. Stop doing the self depreciation crap and focus on the good things about yourself. Go out and have fun, meet new people, be yourself and smile. You will find friends and/or a girlfriend, you just have to give yourself (and others) a chance.

Stop focusing on what has already happened and live in the present.

I think very few people are 'messed up'.
Most people are normal.
 
Triple Bogey said:
TheRealCallie said:
Personally, I think everyone is "messed up" in some way. We all have problems and issues and whatever, but it's about how you handle it. Whether you choose to let it stop your life or even postpone it.
You know what to do, you know how to have a girlfriend and friends, you are just standing in your own way because of the bad honeysuckle that's happened. Stop doing the self depreciation crap and focus on the good things about yourself. Go out and have fun, meet new people, be yourself and smile. You will find friends and/or a girlfriend, you just have to give yourself (and others) a chance.

Stop focusing on what has already happened and live in the present.

I think very few people are 'messed up'.
Most people are normal.

I think what she was meaning was that everyone is different and had some sort of burden to bare.

I can relate. After college where there were people everywhere, I messed up and dated a guy older than me and missed out on lots of socializing opportunities. When we broke it off it was too late, I was done with college and move to a rural town with old people and kids. It was a fluke I met my boyfriend.

I did what Callie posted, I just went with the flow, focused on myself and my personal goals, and then my boyfriend happened.

I think people become more attractive if they have everything together, so it's nice to take some time to focus on yourself.
 
Nicolelt said:
I did what Callie posted, I just went with the flow, focused on myself and my personal goals, and then my boyfriend happened.


And I still don't understand how the hell that happens. I need her to explain that to me.

I focus on myself and still not a **** thing happens.
 
Sorry to say but your chances of meeting someone while living in a rural area is lower versus living in an area with a large population. I've lived in both. Part of the reason I'm glad I don't live anymore in a small town with a population of about 15,000 is that I get to meet new people all the time - who aren't all either retired or kids.
I don't think you're "messed up" - you're discontented. Your discontent maybe is a good thing - listen to it and think about what you can do about it.

-Teresa
 
SofiasMami said:
Sorry to say but your chances of meeting someone while living in a rural area is lower versus living in an area with a large population. I've lived in both. Part of the reason I'm glad I don't live anymore in a small town with a population of about 15,000 is that I get to meet new people all the time - who aren't all either retired or kids.
I don't think you're "messed up" - you're discontented. Your discontent maybe is a good thing - listen to it and think about what you can do about it.

-Teresa

Yeah, you're right. I need to figure out a way to move to a decent city again where I'm around people more. That's most of the problem, that I'm isolated so think that there's me and everyone else. And everyone else is happy and I'm discontented. If I was around people more I would be myself more and be involved in other people's lives and realize that they have the similar insecurities.
But I do live in a fairly nice rural area with interesting places. There are plenty of towns nearby but they are all seperate entities which in a way I prefer to being in a huge metropolis. I mean, if I do get settled into a happier lifestyle here it would beat being in a large landscape of concrete and tarmac.


Nicolelt said:
Triple Bogey said:
TheRealCallie said:
Personally, I think everyone is "messed up" in some way. We all have problems and issues and whatever, but it's about how you handle it. Whether you choose to let it stop your life or even postpone it.
You know what to do, you know how to have a girlfriend and friends, you are just standing in your own way because of the bad honeysuckle that's happened. Stop doing the self depreciation crap and focus on the good things about yourself. Go out and have fun, meet new people, be yourself and smile. You will find friends and/or a girlfriend, you just have to give yourself (and others) a chance.

Stop focusing on what has already happened and live in the present.

I think very few people are 'messed up'.
Most people are normal.

I think what she was meaning was that everyone is different and had some sort of burden to bare.

I can relate. After college where there were people everywhere, I messed up and dated a guy older than me and missed out on lots of socializing opportunities. When we broke it off it was too late, I was done with college and move to a rural town with old people and kids. It was a fluke I met my boyfriend.

I did what Callie posted, I just went with the flow, focused on myself and my personal goals, and then my boyfriend happened.

I think people become more attractive if they have everything together, so it's nice to take some time to focus on yourself.

So in a roundabout way, moving away from all the your college town worked out for you. I'm sure it wasn't a fluke that you met your boyfriend. You're right about getting everything together. It just takes a bit of disciple and direction.
I don't want to sound all Ted Moseby in these posts. Searching for the one. I haven't thought about it all that much until recently when I sort of realised suddenly what's missing from my life. Its just I realise that I'm getting older and I have wasted a lot of time where I could have been interacting, being single and lonely and bored and sometimes depressed. I may have subconsciously done it on purpose because of some dark part of my brain.
 
Jamc88 said:
TheRealCallie said:
Personally, I think everyone is "messed up" in some way. We all have problems and issues and whatever, but it's about how you handle it. Whether you choose to let it stop your life or even postpone it.
You know what to do, you know how to have a girlfriend and friends, you are just standing in your own way because of the bad honeysuckle that's happened. Stop doing the self depreciation crap and focus on the good things about yourself. Go out and have fun, meet new people, be yourself and smile. You will find friends and/or a girlfriend, you just have to give yourself (and others) a chance.

Stop focusing on what has already happened and live in the present.

Yeah, you're so right.
It does feel better to type it all out though. Nearly everyone has something about their life that they are either embarrassed about or not happy with or worried about. At least at this stage its something fairly fixable and not an incurable disease or something. But it's not as easy as that to simply go out and be yourself and have fun. I want to but it's difficult. I don't always think about the past, but when you're used to reacting to things in a certain way they become a habit so things that I would have done when I was a kid at school are similar in adult situations because I am basically the same person but with more layers built up. Thanks for telling it like it is though

Well, naturally it's not easy to do, but most worthwhile things aren't easy. You should still at least try, even though it's hard. Perhaps the hardest thing you've done in a long time, but that will make your victory even sweeter because you defied your own odds, the odds your put on yourself.

Nicolelt said:
Triple Bogey said:
TheRealCallie said:
Personally, I think everyone is "messed up" in some way. We all have problems and issues and whatever, but it's about how you handle it. Whether you choose to let it stop your life or even postpone it.
You know what to do, you know how to have a girlfriend and friends, you are just standing in your own way because of the bad honeysuckle that's happened. Stop doing the self depreciation crap and focus on the good things about yourself. Go out and have fun, meet new people, be yourself and smile. You will find friends and/or a girlfriend, you just have to give yourself (and others) a chance.

Stop focusing on what has already happened and live in the present.

I think very few people are 'messed up'.
Most people are normal.

I think what she was meaning was that everyone is different and had some sort of burden to bare.

Indeed. That's why I put messed up in quotes. There are different levels and even something small to others might be huge to the person. Each person feels they are "messed up" in some way, even if it's just something minor like a bad haircut.
Everyone has problems, even if you can't see them.
 

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