Lost some years myself.

I'm 62 years old and haven't been in a man/woman relationship for 3 decades. There were lots of reasons but the only one that really matters is I didn't enjoy being around any women.....it wasn't a gender identity thing, I was just a straight guy who didn't like women. Any women. It was a blanket judgment on half the human race.

All these years later my feelings are changed, not because I decided to change......I just noticed myself enjoying the company of a lady I met in culinary school and noticed further that we were in the friendship zone.

I liked it. A year or so later it happened again, now it was a lady who volunteers with me in a public service organization.....we were in the friendship zone too. Wow! This was a big deal for me! And I liked it.

She and I partnered on more than one team. Then this summer we partnered at a vendors table in the farmers market every Saturday and started confiding personal matters to one another. OK, to state the obvious, a repressed guy like me? Of course the thing became sexualized in my head......what else would one expect?

And the lady from culinary school? She's a vendor at the same farmers market and is encouraging me to hit on my market partner....."Go for it man! What are you waiting for? She's probably eager to see what you've got!"

We're about the same age. She's been divorced twice and she's disengaging from a boyfriend of 8 years who lives in the next state. So at lunch in our favorite Italian restaurant...."our" restaurant? I'm thinking in terms of "us", "we", "our restaurant".....? OK at lunch, she's talking about how she wants a man who lives nearby, how this boyfriend of 160 miles away is a no-future relationship, how it's been 8 years with him now and she's not getting any younger......

Again, to state the obvious, I've wasted a few years myself......I don't want to get old alone so I suggest, reasonably enough, "We're friends, we're comfortable together and good partners already.....maybe we should be a couple......"

Jeez! After all these years, how's a guy meant to know how to make these kinds of moves? I'm just a little out of practice here.....But she starts grinning: "Well it took you long enough".

Well actually, by now there's been some rational and methodical discussion of this new tangent our relationship is taking, but we're in our mid 60's and going on dates like a couple of teenagers, however I'm very aware that she's markedly more accustomed to handling men than I am at handling a woman.

I post this to check in with the group and especially with the few members I've enjoyed some personal messages with. Intuitively, I'm guessing that I might be looking for some advice in the future.

Congrats! It sounds like you're enjoying yourself, nice to hear it and it's something we can all hope for - even us oldsters (ok, the 40+ group )

-Teresa

CS, better late than never. Apparently, you are having a great time, so just let it flow. Personally, the first few weeks of a relationship are the best, especially when the two of you start sharing secrets... of when you started to notice each other, how she tried to get your attention, things that you noticed about her that made you smile and think she's adorable, remembering what she wore the first time you saw her, when you did an act that really stood out and touched her, etc. Sorry for getting nostalgic, but I've always enjoyed those moments.

Love this story I'm glad you are able to emotionally & mentally connect with someone after so many years. Really connecting with someone & knowing they feel the same is really wonderful.

Is it okay that I ask why you didn't like women? Was it the types of women you were meeting or a judgemental view on the whole gender?
I only ask because I think my current boyfriend is the same. I can't read him. I don't know if he just thinks all women are the same (nagging & emotional, feminists) or if he's just an a**hole to me only haha. Just wanna know what you had thought about women to see if he is the same way. He's a lone wolf type of guy.

Such great news! Hope it all goes well CS!

BreakingtheGirl said:

Love this story I'm glad you are able to emotionally & mentally connect with someone after so many years. Really connecting with someone & knowing they feel the same is really wonderful.

Is it okay that I ask why you didn't like women? Was it the types of women you were meeting or a judgemental view on the whole gender?
I only ask because I think my current boyfriend is the same. I can't read him. I don't know if he just thinks all women are the same (nagging & emotional, feminists) or if he's just an a**hole to me only haha. Just wanna know what you had thought about women to see if he is the same way. He's a lone wolf type of guy.

Click to expand...

Don't have a short answer, BreakingtheGirl. My family was borderline dysfunctional with a lot of unspoken-of and unresolved issues....sexuality being totally taboo and unmentionable....typical puritan. Want to get Freudian? Mom was mood disordered, borderline bipolar, Dad was aloof and out of his depth with her depression. Enter me, the youngest son, Mom's caretaker and depression manager, doing Dad's job. Factor in Dad punishing me in so many, many ways. Women started out being a problem for me.

Factor in my older brothers bringing their girlfriends home and my parents hating the girls always, and punishing the boys in so many, many ways for daring to act out.

Factor in the voice of the socially disenfranchised minorities hating white straight men for being rapists, bullies, economic slave masters smug in their entitlement and privileges. Privileges that I did not inherit.

There's plenty more but there's no real point blaming anyone but myself for my dislike of women. I had choices and I chose to not resolve my issues. On the more positive side, rather than act out any hostilities by blaming my problems on someone else and becoming one of the hurters, instead I just withdrew and lived almost like a monk.

This answer your question BtG? Dunno if any of this applies to you BF.

I am so very happy for you CS.. It warms my heart to learn of someones success.. Words of advice.. its like riding a bike, you never forget how. You might fall off on occasion, but you get back on and try again.. Bright Blessings my friend..

constant stranger said:

BreakingtheGirl said:

Love this story I'm glad you are able to emotionally & mentally connect with someone after so many years. Really connecting with someone & knowing they feel the same is really wonderful.

Is it okay that I ask why you didn't like women? Was it the types of women you were meeting or a judgemental view on the whole gender?
I only ask because I think my current boyfriend is the same. I can't read him. I don't know if he just thinks all women are the same (nagging & emotional, feminists) or if he's just an a**hole to me only haha. Just wanna know what you had thought about women to see if he is the same way. He's a lone wolf type of guy.

Click to expand...

Don't have a short answer, BreakingtheGirl. My family was borderline dysfunctional with a lot of unspoken-of and unresolved issues....sexuality being totally taboo and unmentionable....typical puritan. Want to get Freudian? Mom was mood disordered, borderline bipolar, Dad was aloof and out of his depth with her depression. Enter me, the youngest son, Mom's caretaker and depression manager, doing Dad's job. Factor in Dad punishing me in so many, many ways. Women started out being a problem for me.

Factor in my older brothers bringing their girlfriends home and my parents hating the girls always, and punishing the boys in so many, many ways for daring to act out.

Factor in the voice of the socially disenfranchised minorities hating white straight men for being rapists, bullies, economic slave masters smug in their entitlement and privileges. Privileges that I did not inherit.

There's plenty more but there's no real point blaming anyone but myself for my dislike of women. I had choices and I chose to not resolve my issues. On the more positive side, rather than act out any hostilities by blaming my problems on someone else and becoming one of the hurters, instead I just withdrew and lived almost like a monk.

This answer your question BtG? Dunno if any of this applies to you BF.

Click to expand...

WOW, extremely similar. He is the youngest of 4, all boys, but he is about 15-20 yrs younger than his older half brothers. Extremely disfunctional family, never taught to express/show emotions, comes from a generational military family. Mom has emotional issues/mood disorder (I've thought he is used to this behavior from his mom, so he got with me who has the same issues). Dad distant, never taught him how to be a man & treat women since he mistreated my bf's mom. He also was caretaker & "Man of the house" to his mom & his late grandfather who was ill for years.

He was also raised in a trailer park with black neighbors who he befriended, but in school the Caucasian kids would be called stereotypical names & vice versa. Doesn't help that I'm mixed race & he takes out those racial experiences/tensions out on me, especially with the riots of Ferguson & Baltimore, MD where he is from. He's also in the Marine Corps, so I can't tell if his aggression is from that, his past, or possibly a mixture.
Thank you so much for opening up, this info really opened my eyes to believing his childhood & other factors shaped who he is right now. Very much appreciated!

What a lovely heart warming story. I wish you both the best of luck, and just go with the flow, follow what feels right . Keep us updated .

Aww cs, I was smiling reading your post. Congratulations and I'm happy for you. Hope it all works out well and good.

This is great man. I don't know why reading your post made me so happy. I'm probably just glad to see things working out for once. Congratulations.

hey I am really happy to hear this - it's so nice to act like two teenagers

Well it's been a month or since we took our relationship to the next level and we're still an 'item'.

Here's something I've noticed that's different about my state of mind, different from the several years she and I were in the friendship zone and certainly different from all those years and years when I was emphatically single: I'm actually worrying a little about saying the wrong thing, not listening carefully enough to her end of the conversation, wondering if I'm dressing appropriately, do I need my hair or beard trimmed......

OK, none of that is traumatic I'll grant, and also the positives of being in the relationship far outweigh these trivial concerns, but still....I'm taking the time to consider which is the right shirt with the right trousers? Trim my beard? Big effing deal!!! Really, is it worth it to be thinking I may have misspoke some little thing a few nights previously when I'm actually going about my daily activities?

And another thing, I'll check my email and FB chat just to see if she's sent something. It's ridiculous. It's like I'm some needy 16 year old.

However, the pleasantries do make up for it and so far I've been keeping these little manifestations to myself. I think. I'm not straying into the OCD zone.....I think. I wonder if she's guessing I'm doing any of this stuff?

Easier said than done but I say don't worry. No point.

constant stranger said:

I wonder if she's guessing I'm doing any of this stuff?

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I'd bet she is doing all of those things, too. It's only natural to start caring a little more about those sort of things when in a new relationship.
But don't worry about it too much. Stressing out over minor things will only cause problems. It will never fix any. So try not to get carried away.
And if something really is bothering her then just let her know and talk about it. Don't hide everything if it really is something that is bothering you a lot.

It is great you feel like a needy 16 year old!!
I think it is awesome you worry about what to wear. But don't let that discard what life thought you.
I guess I could have said: "what constant stranger said"

Good luck in you relationship.

Despicable Me said:

constant stranger said:

I wonder if she's guessing I'm doing any of this stuff?

Click to expand...

I'd bet she is doing all of those things, too. It's only natural to start caring a little more about those sort of things when in a new relationship.
But don't worry about it too much. Stressing out over minor things will only cause problems. It will never fix any. So try not to get carried away.
And if something really is bothering her then just let her know and talk about it. Don't hide everything if it really is something that is bothering you a lot.

Click to expand...

I'm thinking along these lines as well. We tend to worry about the nitty gritty when things matter too much to us. Sometimes we're just overthinking things though. Try to take it easy, I think it happens to a lot of people where they go through that stage of being obsessed about something in particular... I think these phases fade after some time (or not, who knows?). As long as you don't turn it into something more than what it is. Good luck, cs!

Thank you for the feedback, P, DM, rg and ladyf. I guess I just needed someone to tell me that I'm going sane and acting normal....