My Mother

I love my mother but it's like I don't like being around her if that makes sense. She's probably my only real relationship. She raised me by herself and I've come to suspect I'm codependent but I'm trying to break away.

Yesterday she was mad at me for no reason I've been on these steroids and I have been very hungry so I guess I tried eating more than I should have and her reaction was "I can't believe you did that you pig."

I also packed to things for lunch and she said "Oh that's healthy." I mean really. I feel like all she does is tell me to do something. If I say "Okay I'll take care of it." if like an hour or few minutes pass she'll get mad. Be all "Never mind." even if I try to do it she'll be "Never mind I'll do it."

Some days earlier she picked me up from work and when asked what I bought for lunch I said junk food (chex mix, skittles and M&M's) she then says I was going to become diabetic. This coming from a woman who had bought Pizza for dinner. Never mind she's left the Halloween candy out for me to eat.

Growing up it was always "I'm the adult your the child." my opinion never mattered. I sometimes think she just humors me. I'm a internet porn addict and when I confessed thinking it was a good idea she says "will power" and other honeysuckle like that. She is into "positive thinking" and likes only country music I play heavy metal or rock she's like "You call that music."

I remember once she said she didn't believe in mixed marriage but I don't think that's entirely the case(it was too long ago) the point is I felt angry at the idea that if I married a woman of a different race she wouldn't except it. I think later on she said "I was raised in a time when that wasn't acceptable." so I'm not sure if that's true or not.

I remember once I started to get curious about BDSM (watched the CSI Lady Heather episode) that got me curious. I've always been curious. One day I asked something about BDSM (I barely knew anything about it) and she yelled "That is sick honeysuckle and if you ever get into it I'll be very disappointed in you."

I remember another time when I was young I found out about the Howard Stern show. She found out I was watching it and got mad at me. Back then I never watched anything without her persmission(I was maybe in the six grade) well except the Man Show and South Park. Holy crap I just realized my obsession with hot women and other crap goes back further than I thought. Ultimately that's where doing things behind her back started and how I got addicted to porn and all she's ever done is judge me for it.

The point is I always felt compelled to hide things because my mom would not approve I think this evolved into insecurity issues that make me uncomfortable opening up to people. Which until now I use to blame my father for not being in my life more. Okay wow I'm just figuring all this stuff out now as I write.

So what I've been trying to bring up and have been getting side tracked is this she says "You should get your drivers license" if I say "Fine I'll get it lets go." She'll be all "The speedometer doesn't work and we have to go to the city. You also haven't studied the traffic laws and blah blah." It's not rocket science I know most of the symbols laws.

It's like I'm dammed if I do dammed if I don't. Now I have trolled online in the past made up stories just to get a reaction but also because it was a way for me to be anybody else. That's why being online appeals to me so much I can be anybody I want. Except I'm also a writer and I casted the main characters mother as the antagonist and at first I thought I was just being creative but now I think my subconscious has been trying to tell me something. Something I've never really admitted until now is I think my mother is the source of my insecurities.

Also I remember I suggested I took a day off work for Thanksgiving she got mad. I get my job is important but these last few years I feel like she excludes me from family gatherings. Like I had a day off and it was a relatives birthday she's like "No I don't feel like going."

Once I snapped and said "I know you don't think much of me." she started crying and no matter how hard I tried to apologize it never worked. That's how it works we fight I give her space she stays mad and we never really talk about it.

I feel like that's her go to because I have been thinking back a lot and we never talk it's either she gets mad I try to apologize she's all "I don't want to talk about it."

I'm probably no victim I have added fuel to the fire hell I can be the fire sometimes because I'm temperamental however if I try to difuse the situation it doesn't work. but I'm 25 and tired of being treated like a kid. For example she just came in and said she wanted me. Okay I can't even say if without laughing. She said "Clean your room or you wont get Christmas presents." All I can think is "Okay..." I mean I was already planning it and when something like this happens I'm tempted not to because then if I do she's just going to think I did it because she said so.

Is it possible she just doesn't recognize me as an adult or something?

I keep thinking maybe I should move out and get an apartment but then I remember I don't make nearly enough money and have no car. Am I over reacting or is there a clear problem? I mean she acts like I don't do anything around the house despite that I do a lot of what she tells me.

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a typical mother to me. Hell, I'd probably tell you some of the same honeysuckle whether I was your mother or not (mainly about the junk food).

Honestly, it doesn't sound like what she does is all that bad, well, most of it anyway. Yeah, she could lay off, but that's how she is. Sounds like that's how she's always been and 10 years from now, she will probably be the same. Learn to deal with it or move out. Those are your only real options.

Okay yeah your right I admit I guess I just had a lot of anger and frustration. Maybe I just needed to vent.

NobodySomebody said:

Okay yeah your right I admit I guess I just had a lot of anger and frustration. Maybe I just needed to vent.

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I totally get the need to vent about that stuff. Feel free to do that, but I just wanted you to know that a lot of mothers are that way (I'm kind of that way, only with everyone, not just my kids).

Hi. I sort of know what you mean, where it's like, you love your family but it can be hard to deal with them at times, especially when money is tight and things aren't working out so well in life.

I read what you wrote and while I don't have an answer to all of it, there are some things which caught my eye that I think you should cut out or change, so that you can have the energy to do better for yourself.

Like the lunches for instance. If you're eating candy and stuff like that because there's just nothing else, that's one thing. But if you could have a heartier, healthier lunch, I think you could give yourself more energy to get through the day and be more successful. I think it's okay to treat yourself to candy or junk/fast food every now and then, but the body can't really subsist on it. It's like you're putting low-grade fuel in a performance car - you might be able to limp it home, but it will cause problems eventually and you won't be able to get the high level of performance that you were built for.

Then there's this here:

NobodySomebody said:

I remember once I started to get curious about BDSM (watched the CSI Lady Heather episode) that got me curious. I've always been curious. One day I asked something about BDSM (I barely knew anything about it) and she yelled "That is sick honeysuckle and if you ever get into it I'll be very disappointed in you."

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Idk. This seems like a topic that I wouldn't want to bring up with parents (note: I am NOT into BDSM myself). I think this stuff should be best researched on your own. I just feel like most people, especially family, wouldn't really respond well to topics such as that.

NobodySomebody said:

I'm a internet porn addict and when I confessed thinking it was a good idea she says "will power" and other honeysuckle like that. She is into "positive thinking" and likes only country music I play heavy metal or rock she's like "You call that music."

I remember another time when I was young I found out about the Howard Stern show. She found out I was watching it and got mad at me. Back then I never watched anything without her persmission(I was maybe in the six grade) well except the Man Show and South Park. Holy crap I just realized my obsession with hot women and other crap goes back further than I thought. Ultimately that's where doing things behind her back started and how I got addicted to porn and all she's ever done is judge me for it.

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I'd say the same thing for the Internet porn. I'd be careful who I tell about this if I were you, it's considered a low-brow activity and will reduce your standing in a lot of people's eyes. Not only that, but you said it yourself - it's an addiction. There's lots of sites and people out there that say it's bad for you. Even if you don't look at the morality of it, it has been known to reduce one's ability to focus and keep people in a state of constant tiredness, irritability, and brain fog. They say that constant dopamine releases in your brain (from the porn) really messes with a person's brain.

I don't think quitting is entirely a matter of "will power" though. I once heard Tony Robbins talk about willpower and he said using willpower is a bad idea because it tends to run out. It's better to replace the bad habit with a good habit. Replace porn with something that you want even more, and then you might realize that it's not even fun really. I'd replace the Internet porn with a hobby, creative outlet, or working out of some kind. Going for a walk, meditation, reading, watching a documentary or even just-for-fun movies, even playing video games would be better than wasting time on porn. It's like junk food for your mind.

Not everybody responds the same way, and it's not a silver bullet that will solve all your problems. But if I were you I'd just try going without the porn for a little while - I've heard a lot of people start seeing positive changes after about a month - and see if you don't start feeling like you have more energy, more control over your mood, need less sleep, feel like you can focus more, and have more confidence. You might as well try it and see if it doesn't make you feel better. You can always go back if you want, but I'd say give it a fair try and enough time for the good effects to "reset" your mind. Just try going without porn for a while and see if you don't feel even a little better. Plus, it's one less thing to stress out with your mom so it may improve your standing with her.

I'm sorry if that comes off as preachy, but all I can say is that I've noticed that the majority of people who say they use porn are often lethargic and stuck in life, things are never really going right for them. Meanwhile most of the people who say they don't use it seem to have more energy and are operating at a higher level in life. I'd say it's worth a try.

I had a similar experience when I quit smoking marijuana. It didn't solve all my problems of course, but I definitely felt sharper in body and mind than I was before.

Making sure you get enough sleep is also helpful. I'm trying to get better at this myself.

I just think when you're stuck in life like we both seem to be, it's worth it to do all the little things to give ourselves as much energy as possible, cutting off the energy drainers and adding things to our life that make us better. Every little bit helps.

Maybe you could study your road signs for the driver's test, and show your mother that you are studying for it. Then you'd have a better chance of her taking you to the test if you show her that you're working on it. You might very well know it already, but the trick seems to be proving to her that you do.

Again, forgive me for being preachy, but it sounds to me like you want one thing, but are doing things that take you the other way because of habits. Just hang in there, do the little things, and maybe things will start to change for you. Good luck!

Kind of know what you're talking about, my mother is the same way. She can be a bit overbearing at times too. Sometimes when she says things I don't reply, she doesn't like that but there are things where you just want to say "yeah I know back off and let me worry about it don't need your reminder every single day" but you bite your tongue.

I think it's harder for most mothers, especially single parent ones, to let go sometimes I know it is for mine. Your mother will always be your mother no matter how old you get. Now there are some that don't and there are some kids who probably wish their mothers were a little more caring. They would envy those who complain about their mothers.

NobodySomebody said:

Is it possible she just doesn't recognize me as an adult or something?

I keep thinking maybe I should move out and get an apartment but then I remember I don't make nearly enough money and have no car. Am I over reacting or is there a clear problem? I mean she acts like I don't do anything around the house despite that I do a lot of what she tells me.

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Well I've been on both sides of the coin - a young adult with a mother and now I'm also a mother. Being an adult isn't only defined by your age.
Are you acting like an adult when you're around the house? Meaning, do you take care of household tasks without being told? Adults do that. Do you get the mail from the mail box, cook meals (or at least get takeout for you and mom), buy laundry soap, keep the bathroom tidy, change light bulbs - any of that without mom telling you first? Do you contribute anything towards bills or groceries? If so, then you should be treated like an adult, in my opinion.
If not, try doing a few things without waiting to be told and I'm betting your mom may start treating more like an adult.

-Teresa

It's time for you to move into a place of your own, NobodySomebody. Her identity is as a mother and she's still actuating a controlling influence that's inappropriate with a 25 year old son, in my opinion. If your family loyalty moves you to care for her welfare, find an apartment or someplace near enough to still help her. That would be an adult, responsible action, also in my opinion.

But I wouldn't bet on her attitude changing. Comes with the mother/grown son turf. I'm 62 and been living in the main house since dad died 14 years ago. It's bloody hard to manage. Every day I have to swallow a certain amount of aggravation as my mother still tries to exercise control. She tries to....and I defuse the potential friction by having to be the grownup. Although in our case, her borderline psychotic mood disorder does complicate things.