lost

ive written a couple of threads this week and its brought me to the conclusion im lost.........

im 32 lots to be thankful for, i.e. good house, good job, family close by. But i lack companionship and love and fun and friendship in my life.

I tried filling this gap with a woman, but ive realised im getting nowhere, every woman i pursue fails.

the most recent was last sat. I put soo much effort into the experience, i get cast aside after the first date.

Whilst i was chasing this woman, my problems sort of disappeared, because i had high hopes, things would work out with her and the rest of my life which is almost ok would just fall into place.

Now its over, ive realised how lonely and empty my life is.

I had a day off yesterday and all i did was sit around the house, apart from 1 hour when i went to the gym. THe rest of the time i spent it flicking thru social media website to online dating all day.

im a christian so i thought about going back to church, but i feel i would be going back for the wrong reasons, i.e. find a woman. And i know as soon as i went back, if i didnt see one in the crowd etc. i would stop going, which i have done in the past and dont expect it to have changed much since.

i have a passion for fitness, and go everyday, partly again for the wrong reasons i guess. i want to try make myself look better, ive always had body confidence and felt ugly. My body now is good condition but yet i still feel ugly.

But the gym provides no outlet to my problems too, occassionally ill meet someone i know and it will be a brief chat, but thats it.

i know i sound horribly depressed and i am. but there is fun side to me, it just doesnt get the chance

i dont know what to do... i feel totally lost..

I think you are putting too much emphasis on trying to find a girl, thus trying to force things and having them go..well, no the way you want them to go.
You do have good things in your life, but are you HAPPY? Don't tell me that you aren't happy because you don't have a girl in your life, because that's a copout, IMO. If you honestly believe that to be the case, a girl is the last thing you need right now. (Not saying this is true, just saying in general)

As for friends, meetups, malls, clubs, library, whoever there are people, there is an opportunity to make a friend. Just start saying hi to people and go from there.

And lastly, girls. You said about going to church because you are Christian. Have you tried Christian Mingle?

TheRealCallie said:

I think you are putting too much emphasis on trying to find a girl, thus trying to force things and having them go..well, no the way you want them to go.
You do have good things in your life, but are you HAPPY? Don't tell me that you aren't happy because you don't have a girl in your life, because that's a copout, IMO. If you honestly believe that to be the case, a girl is the last thing you need right now. (Not saying this is true, just saying in general)

As for friends, meetups, malls, clubs, library, whoever there are people, there is an opportunity to make a friend. Just start saying hi to people and go from there.

And lastly, girls. You said about going to church because you are Christian. Have you tried Christian Mingle?

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Another very good post with very good advice.

Many people who have problems think that finding a girlfriend (or boyfriend) would solve all of those problems. In fact, having a girlfriend creates more problems than you had before you found one. Relationships are a matter of constant compromise and significantly reduce privacy and independence. To avoid having things go all to hell you have to sort out your other issues BEFORE getting into a relationship. It's possible that you're failing to find a relationship partly because your other issues are not yet sorted out.

The other thing is that, the more desperate you are for a relationship, the less likely you are to find one. Two hundred thousand years of experience tells us that, because things have never been different between people. Your best chance to find a relationship is not to care whether you have one or not, but just live your life and let things happen if they decide to. This doesn't guarantee you'll find someone, but looking for someone makes it less likely that you will.

(Another reply in this thread says the same things I just did and more, but in a characteristically abrasive and abusive way that has always bothered me. I guess it's just that some people are like oil and water and should stay away from each other.)

I think you're in a good place to find friends and companionship with a women, you have a house and job so you're stable. You go the gym so I'm assuming you're in shape. Chin up man, It'll come. I think when we get lonely sometimes that desperation comes across and that can be off putting. The gym seems like a good starting point to find friends or even a woman, especially if you see regulars there you can start up conversations and suggest a hike or soemthing fitness related and move that interaction outside of a gym setting.

You can't let the negative drag you down, nothing in life is easy. Even if it looks easy for some people, you dont know their internal struggles. If you want companionship you have to accept the rejection and move on from it. You can't have a pity party every time you don't get a 2nd date. On to the next one....

I'm 20 years older than hitch1983.
I do not have my own home, do not have a good, stable job (meaning one where I can save extra money and spend it on things I'd like to do, rather than just squeak on by) and have no family close by.
I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing a regular exercise program.
And i lack the closeness and intimacy most people experience.
I'm not trying to out-do or one up the co-misery stakes, but I think he should relax and enjoy life as it unfolds - he has a lot going for him.

I'm with RealCallie and Mickey, their advice is spot on and I concur with it.

Don't see any abrasive or abusive ways in them though....

ABrokenMan said:

I'm 20 years older than hitch1983.
I do not have my own home, do not have a good, stable job (meaning one where I can save extra money and spend it on things I'd like to do, rather than just squeak on by) and have no family close by.
I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing a regular exercise program.
And i lack the closeness and intimacy most people experience.
I'm not trying to out-do or one up the co-misery stakes, but I think he should relax and enjoy life as it unfolds - he has a lot going for him.

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Good post, ABM. I completely agree with you about how he should just let life unfold. Sometimes, you have to step back and stop trying so hard for something to come to fruition.

I believe that meeting people should be all about flow. You can not force it but just put yourself out there and see where the current takes you.

Now a relationship is where all your effort and thought will pay off...

Just dont panic, relax, and be willing to be hurt..

mickey said:

the more desperate you are for a relationship, the less likely you are to find one.

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Maybe it’s true, but it seems unfair to me. If you’ve been lonely for your whole life, and you’re around thirty, it says that you’ll never ever find anyone… Because, believe me, in that case all that you could think about would be “I want to have a boyfriend\girlfriend” ))) You just can't be not desperate if you’ve been alone for a very long time or always.