I have decided to burn the bridge that connects me to the closest friend I have ever had.
At some point, I will tell her, because I know there is nothing more painful than knowing you’re not worth an explanation. I suppose I am just waiting for my courage to make an appearance.
You, my dear, deserve an explanation.
After making multiple mistakes and being too stubborn to own up to them (im a Taurus, you see), I have had time to put us into perspective.
You didn’t speak to me for what seemed like an awfully long time. You were angry with me, which is understandable. However, as each day passed without a word, I became more adamant that you would never speak to me again. By the time you replied to my messages, I was willing to accept that.
We knew, years ago, when more miles were put between us, that our friendship was at war with life. We knew extra effort was required to keep the connection going with such strength.
Most people would agree, we had a great run considering.
But I struggled to make new friends in a new city whilst you became more comfortable with people around you. I knew I had no grounds for my thoughts, but I felt jealousy, and at times, betrayal.
The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.
You began to let go and proceeded to build a life for yourself where I couldn’t have been. I still , selfishly, yearned for your full attention.
I have struggled with that for a while now.
Due to more recent events, our friendship has been buried under the weight of misunderstanding and miscommunication. You are hurt because of said events. I am hurt because of how you dealt with your hurt. As a result, we have lost tolerance and trust.
Unfortunately, trust resembles a clean sheet of paper; once crumpled, it will never be the same again.
I read somewhere ‘No matter how far you take it with your friends, you really need them, because they’re the ones that teach you most about yourself.’ And suddenly it hit me.
I was scared, because until recently, you had never seen me the way I see myself. You had never hated me.
You know that over the last 6 months or so, I have been seemingly falling apart. You got hurt trying to stitch my broken pieces back together.
I believe we are better off apart, though it kills me. Im not sure which pain is worse, the shock from what has happened, or the ache from what never will, but I wish you happiness regardless though you require my absence to achieve such a thing.
I am dreading telling you my decision. I am afraid of losing the part of me that is so full of you. I am afraid that you will watch me walk away, and think that I never cared. Of course, I still do.
Already, I am finding pieces of you in every song I listen to. But I am having trouble forgiving, and even when I do, I will struggle to lose the bitter taste that sits on my tongue when we speak.
So it is best that we don’t.
I’m sorry.
MT
More at maisietruman.wordpress.com
At some point, I will tell her, because I know there is nothing more painful than knowing you’re not worth an explanation. I suppose I am just waiting for my courage to make an appearance.
You, my dear, deserve an explanation.
After making multiple mistakes and being too stubborn to own up to them (im a Taurus, you see), I have had time to put us into perspective.
You didn’t speak to me for what seemed like an awfully long time. You were angry with me, which is understandable. However, as each day passed without a word, I became more adamant that you would never speak to me again. By the time you replied to my messages, I was willing to accept that.
We knew, years ago, when more miles were put between us, that our friendship was at war with life. We knew extra effort was required to keep the connection going with such strength.
Most people would agree, we had a great run considering.
But I struggled to make new friends in a new city whilst you became more comfortable with people around you. I knew I had no grounds for my thoughts, but I felt jealousy, and at times, betrayal.
The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.
You began to let go and proceeded to build a life for yourself where I couldn’t have been. I still , selfishly, yearned for your full attention.
I have struggled with that for a while now.
Due to more recent events, our friendship has been buried under the weight of misunderstanding and miscommunication. You are hurt because of said events. I am hurt because of how you dealt with your hurt. As a result, we have lost tolerance and trust.
Unfortunately, trust resembles a clean sheet of paper; once crumpled, it will never be the same again.
I read somewhere ‘No matter how far you take it with your friends, you really need them, because they’re the ones that teach you most about yourself.’ And suddenly it hit me.
I was scared, because until recently, you had never seen me the way I see myself. You had never hated me.
You know that over the last 6 months or so, I have been seemingly falling apart. You got hurt trying to stitch my broken pieces back together.
I believe we are better off apart, though it kills me. Im not sure which pain is worse, the shock from what has happened, or the ache from what never will, but I wish you happiness regardless though you require my absence to achieve such a thing.
I am dreading telling you my decision. I am afraid of losing the part of me that is so full of you. I am afraid that you will watch me walk away, and think that I never cared. Of course, I still do.
Already, I am finding pieces of you in every song I listen to. But I am having trouble forgiving, and even when I do, I will struggle to lose the bitter taste that sits on my tongue when we speak.
So it is best that we don’t.
I’m sorry.
MT
More at maisietruman.wordpress.com
