Does it turn people off when you are slow to reply

msbxa · Dec 5, 2015

When it comes to online dating or just trying to make friends in general,
do people get put off when you have not messaged them in a few days?

It sometimes seems that if I don't respond frequently & quickly they will quickly turn away and not reply back to me.

The thing is that I feel shy, even talking over the internet, and it often takes a me 2-3 days or longer to reply to people. And also I am just busy with working 2 jobs.

I prefer emails because you and the other person can take their time and can reply when you are ready. But in this time where a lot of people use texts, where replies are more immediate, I don't quite feel comfortable with that and so maybe I am left in the dark.

Peaches · Dec 5, 2015

intersting question, I have a similar issue, although it's rather because of health - looking forward to hear some replies, because I have no clue. When someone is slow to respond, I tend to imagine that I am not very important to them, and in general that's why I prefer chat (and also that way I won't forget to reply).

user 115627 · Dec 5, 2015

Some get sour pretty fast, others don't mind you being slow as long as you have a reasonable explanation - but shyness ain't a good enough explanation to everyone. It also depends on whether we're talking about serious/personal talk or just casual banter. And how well you're connected to the person concerned.

I even had someone tell me it was important not to reply too quickly at all times and to make yourself scarce, otherwise people think you're desperate for interaction or too focused on the other person. Not sure if that's limited to romantic interests. Suffice to say that was told to me by a girl...with suspected borderline disorder. So I'm not talking that too seriously and regard it as a piece of deluded mind game nonsense. As if social interaction wasn't fickle enough as it already is...

Triple Bogey · Dec 5, 2015

Peaches said:
intersting question, I have a similar issue, although it's rather because of health - looking forward to hear some replies, because I have no clue. When someone is slow to respond, I tend to imagine that I am not very important to them, and in general that's why I prefer chat (and also that way I won't forget to reply).

similar with me. If somebody doesn't answer me straight away I tend to think they aren't much bothered so I stop sending messages.

I hate to think I am getting on somebodies nerves or I mean nothing to them. I even look at any replies I get. A few words or a few lines - I tend to think the person is just been polite.

And also if it's me sending the message first all the time then after awhile I stop because I think it's clear the other person isn't interested.

lonelypanda · Dec 5, 2015

If its someone I'm interested in romantically I expect quicker replies. If they were slow to reply I'd think they weren't that interested or too busy..if they're too busy to take 5 mins to reply then they're too busy for a gf.

If it's a friend and they are slow to reply I'm a little more understanding, a friendship is less demanding than a relationship, or relationship prospect. As long as the messages were thought out and carried an overall tone of being into the conversation I'd just assume the person was busy and needed time to reply.

from my end of things if I'm slow to respond I'm busy, but will eventually respond. It just means I don't have time to write the thought out reply that I want to and don't want to send a dinky message just to keep the convo going. If i don't respond back to people at all, that's means I'm not interested in the conversation, they didn't reply enough for me to continue the conversation or they weirded me out.

BeyondShy · Dec 5, 2015

Rodent said:
As if social interaction wasn't fickle enough as it already is...

You got that right.

Triple Bogey said:
similar with me. If somebody doesn't answer me straight away I tend to think they aren't much bothered so I stop sending messages.

That is exactly what I would do also unless I know the situation of the other person. If I know they are way more busier than I am I keep that in mind and that makes it ok. It's not that hard to tell the people who could care less about responding.

Triple Bogey · Dec 5, 2015

BeyondShy said:
Rodent said:

As if social interaction wasn't fickle enough as it already is...

Click to expand...

You got that right.

Triple Bogey said:

similar with me. If somebody doesn't answer me straight away I tend to think they aren't much bothered so I stop sending messages.

Click to expand...

That is exactly what I would do also unless I know the situation of the other person. If I know they are way more busier than I am I keep that in mind and that makes it ok. It's not that hard to tell the people who could care less about responding.

I just don't buy the 'too busy' line. When it takes a few seconds to type a reply. It's just not an excuse. A few years back I would send this woman a text and it would take her days to reply and sometimes she didn't bother. I was interested in her so it did hurt getting ignored. Now I am not that bothered about her and I think she senses that so when I do send a text she answers straight away, within 5 minutes.

I always think if you are wondering if somebody wants to be a friend then they don't care about you. With friends, you just know they are friends and you don't question it.

Arachne · Dec 5, 2015

Now this is my own point of view, experience etc. I use to always reply to a pm right away. However, sometimes it was received like I was stalking or too enthusiastic. Why, I know of one person here, that I believe stopped pming me because I would pm them, trying to make conversation etc.. I was so excited to finally connect with someone, that I would want to chat. But they did not feel the same. I suppose I was giving the wrong impression, this in return made, them not comfortable with it cause, they would flee or just stop.

This is very disheartening to a shy, insecure person. Being shy, I am first to admit it and for me personally to write or rather get up the courage to write. Now takes a lot of planning, no wrong word. Over analyzing perhaps more suited.

I would love to log on here as an example and read a pm it just makes my day. But I am so afraid if I reply too fast they might flee. Once bitten twice shy.

So now I play it on the safe side and wait a few days. Does not mean I am not interested, it is merely this insecure woman working up the nerve. Truthfully I have a crush ( not sure right word) on someone on this forum. But I cannot tell them for fear of being hurt. Oh and not in a stalking way either. They make me smile, someone I would give anything to meet in real life if possible. To call friend, something I need and learn the trust that comes with it.

As to emails I do the same thing takes me time. Again I just am so afraid to give off the wrong impression. Only my family sends me texts so that does not count.

So I guess for this woman's experience, it turns folks off.

Bright Blessings to all..

Triple Bogey · Dec 5, 2015

Arachne said:
Now this is my own point of view, experience etc. I use to always reply to a pm right away. However, sometimes it was received like I was stalking or too enthusiastic. Why, I know of one person here, that I believe stopped pming me because I would pm them, trying to make conversation etc.. I was so excited to finally connect with someone, that I would want to chat. But they did not feel the same. I suppose I was giving the wrong impression, this in return made, them not comfortable with it cause, they would flee or just stop.

This is very disheartening to a shy, insecure person. Being shy, I am first to admit it and for me personally to write or rather get up the courage to write. Now takes a lot of planning, no wrong word. Over analyzing perhaps more suited.

I would love to log on here as an example and read a pm it just makes my day. But I am so afraid if I reply too fast they might flee. Once bitten twice shy.

So now I play it on the safe side and wait a few days. Does not mean I am not interested, it is merely this insecure woman working up the nerve. Truthfully I have a crush ( not sure right word) on someone on this forum. But I cannot tell them for fear of being hurt. Oh and not in a stalking way either. They make me smile, someone I would give anything to meet in real life if possible. To call friend, something I need and learn the trust that comes with it.

As to emails I do the same thing takes me time. Again I just am so afraid to give off the wrong impression. Only my family sends me texts so that does not count.

So I guess for this woman's experience, it turns folks off.

Bright Blessings to all..

it's an interesting point of view, something to think about.
But I tend to go by my gut instinct. A feeling I get. I have friends on here but also there are people who I want to be friends with but I can sense they don't give a honeysuckle about me.

SofiasMami · Dec 5, 2015

Arachne said:
I would love to log on here as an example and read a pm it just makes my day. But I am so afraid if I reply too fast they might flee. Once bitten twice shy.

Oh, that makes me sad

I always get excited when I get a PM, even just short ones. I almost always respond right away when I see a PM unless it's part of a conversation that's reached it's course.

Most of the time, if someone doesn't respond within a day or so to a message out in the real world, I do wonder what is going on. Almost every one I know has a smartphone and not only do they have smartphones but they are also on those smartphones from the time they wake up to the time they go to sleep. If someone can't be bothered to press a few buttons to respond yet they can play Candy Crush all day - that says it all right there.

I have a friend who is like a sister and a few years ago she stopped responding to my texts. We had plans to go somewhere but she didn't answer any of my messages. I was very upset and thought our friendship might be over. She later emailed me and told me about the place we were going to and how much fun it was - she went anyway without me. I told her somewhat sarcastically that her phone must be broken because I texted her with no answers. Turns out her iPhone messages were messed up and she wasn't getting some texts during the time I was trying to text her. (Side note - her husband went to an Apple store and ripped them a new one

)
So that was a lesson that if someone doesn't respond - yes, they probably aren't interested but there could be another reason in the background.

I have some friends and family (like my elderly parents for instance) who I know aren't that interested in messaging or even email for that matter. So I don't take it personally when they take a few days or weeks to respond to a message

-Teresa

9006 · Dec 5, 2015

msbxa said:
It sometimes seems that if I don't respond frequently & quickly they will quickly turn away and not reply back to me.

The people who do this are just not worth it anyway so you're not missing much.

It's actually difficult to get this "right" depending on the person.

Modern society with fast technology and resulting none-existing patience expect nothing more than an instant response... unless they're playing games of some sort. Obviously if you take a long time a lot of people will tend to get the wrong idea, especially if it's just something casual.

Personally I don't care about whats "normal" or not and I respond when I feel like/have time, if people get the wrong idea about that then that's their problem really.

lonelypanda · Dec 5, 2015

SofiasMami said:
Arachne said:

I would love to log on here as an example and read a pm it just makes my day. But I am so afraid if I reply too fast they might flee. Once bitten twice shy.

Click to expand...

Oh, that makes me sad
I always get excited when I get a PM, even just short ones. I almost always respond right away when I see a PM unless it's part of a conversation that's reached it's course.

Most of the time, if someone doesn't respond within a day or so to a message out in the real world, I do wonder what is going on. Almost every one I know has a smartphone and not only do they have smartphones but they are also on those smartphones from the time they wake up to the time they go to sleep. If someone can't be bothered to press a few buttons to respond yet they can play Candy Crush all day - that says it all right there.

I have a friend who is like a sister and a few years ago she stopped responding to my texts. We had plans to go somewhere but she didn't answer any of my messages. I was very upset and thought our friendship might be over. She later emailed me and told me about the place we were going to and how much fun it was - she went anyway without me. I told her somewhat sarcastically that her phone must be broken because I texted her with no answers. Turns out her iPhone messages were messed up and she wasn't getting some texts during the time I was trying to text her. (Side note - her husband went to an Apple store and ripped them a new one )
So that was a lesson that if someone doesn't respond - yes, they probably aren't interested but there could be another reason in the background.

I have some friends and family (like my elderly parents for instance) who I know aren't that interested in messaging or even email for that matter. So I don't take it personally when they take a few days or weeks to respond to a message

-Teresa

You know now that you bring up texting, I think different types of communication have different expectations. For instance, on here the replies would be slower if someone doesn't log in everyday, but for texting since it goes directly to your hand there really isn't much reason to ignore for days.

All these could be boiled down to better communication, like someone who's got a busy schedule letting the person their communicating with know.

Triple Bogey · Dec 6, 2015

SofiasMami said:
Arachne said:

I would love to log on here as an example and read a pm it just makes my day. But I am so afraid if I reply too fast they might flee. Once bitten twice shy.

Click to expand...

Oh, that makes me sad
I always get excited when I get a PM, even just short ones. I almost always respond right away when I see a PM unless it's part of a conversation that's reached it's course.

Most of the time, if someone doesn't respond within a day or so to a message out in the real world, I do wonder what is going on. Almost every one I know has a smartphone and not only do they have smartphones but they are also on those smartphones from the time they wake up to the time they go to sleep. If someone can't be bothered to press a few buttons to respond yet they can play Candy Crush all day - that says it all right there.

I have a friend who is like a sister and a few years ago she stopped responding to my texts. We had plans to go somewhere but she didn't answer any of my messages. I was very upset and thought our friendship might be over. She later emailed me and told me about the place we were going to and how much fun it was - she went anyway without me. I told her somewhat sarcastically that her phone must be broken because I texted her with no answers. Turns out her iPhone messages were messed up and she wasn't getting some texts during the time I was trying to text her. (Side note - her husband went to an Apple store and ripped them a new one )
So that was a lesson that if someone doesn't respond - yes, they probably aren't interested but there could be another reason in the background.

I have some friends and family (like my elderly parents for instance) who I know aren't that interested in messaging or even email for that matter. So I don't take it personally when they take a few days or weeks to respond to a message

-Teresa

Yes good points.

My Brother takes ages to reply to my texts but I accept it because he's family.

lonelypanda said:
SofiasMami said:

Arachne said:

I would love to log on here as an example and read a pm it just makes my day. But I am so afraid if I reply too fast they might flee. Once bitten twice shy.

Click to expand...

Oh, that makes me sad
I always get excited when I get a PM, even just short ones. I almost always respond right away when I see a PM unless it's part of a conversation that's reached it's course.

Most of the time, if someone doesn't respond within a day or so to a message out in the real world, I do wonder what is going on. Almost every one I know has a smartphone and not only do they have smartphones but they are also on those smartphones from the time they wake up to the time they go to sleep. If someone can't be bothered to press a few buttons to respond yet they can play Candy Crush all day - that says it all right there.

I have a friend who is like a sister and a few years ago she stopped responding to my texts. We had plans to go somewhere but she didn't answer any of my messages. I was very upset and thought our friendship might be over. She later emailed me and told me about the place we were going to and how much fun it was - she went anyway without me. I told her somewhat sarcastically that her phone must be broken because I texted her with no answers. Turns out her iPhone messages were messed up and she wasn't getting some texts during the time I was trying to text her. (Side note - her husband went to an Apple store and ripped them a new one )
So that was a lesson that if someone doesn't respond - yes, they probably aren't interested but there could be another reason in the background.

I have some friends and family (like my elderly parents for instance) who I know aren't that interested in messaging or even email for that matter. So I don't take it personally when they take a few days or weeks to respond to a message

-Teresa

Click to expand...

You know now that you bring up texting, I think different types of communication have different expectations. For instance, on here the replies would be slower if someone doesn't log in everyday, but for texting since it goes directly to your hand there really isn't much reason to ignore for days.

All these could be boiled down to better communication, like someone who's got a busy schedule letting the person their communicating with know.

yes but here you can see if somebody has seen your message. And on facebook you can. You can see if somebody reads your message and instead of replying just ignores it and leaves it a few days.

I have even had people on here not even read my message. I leave it a few days, I can tell they have logged on a few times and they don't even read it. Can't be bothered, busy typing messages to people they are bothered about.

BreakingtheGirl · Dec 6, 2015

I'm the type that Millenials hate. I don't text back quick enough & will just call instead of texting a whole novel back & forth. I also read a text, answer mentally, tell myself I'll text back in a few mins, then forget, haha. If it's important, we'll communicate through a call. I think emails are okay to take a day or so with. Texts are harder because people will say "she's ignoring my text...don't tell me she hadn't checked her texts all day!" Most people I know treat texts like a phone convo or an online messenger. I definitely don't, so I don't take it personally if others do since I take a bit to text or email back. Plus, I understand people are busy with life & not waiting around to answer my texts/emails. If I'm having a good day, I'll text & email back all day.

TheRealCallie · Dec 6, 2015

Yeah, if someone doesn't reply within a day or so, I generally tend to think they aren't really interested.

Triple Bogey said:
I have even had people on here not even read my message. I leave it a few days, I can tell they have logged on a few times and they don't even read it. Can't be bothered, busy typing messages to people they are bothered about.

I'm not saying they aren't doing what you're saying, but there is a chance they don't realize they have a message. If they don't have the notification banner thing on, it's very easy to miss the messages. I used to do that all the time before I remembered to turn it back on.

msbxa · Dec 6, 2015

If they take a few days to respond, but then they eventually DO, wouldn't that show that they ARE interested?

I don't see why it should be a big deal to respond / not respond within a certain time. Not too early, but not too late.
Because then it really becomes like you are just following the social rules. If you don't do things how you would naturally do them then it is not real.
- If you respond too early you may appear desperate. (Which may not necessarily be a bad thing in my opinion, but it turns a lot of people off apparently)
- If you respond too late, they may not think you are interested, or interested ENOUGH. So in this case I guess I'm screwed because I take time to reply not because I'm not interested, I take time because I got to work myself up for it and then feel like I need time to recover from the stress of it.

Sci-Fi · Dec 6, 2015

My only problem is when the other person has a different set of standards but doesn't follow their own. Like if they expect you to message back right away but they don't and get mad or sends more messages because you haven't replied in their set amount of time.

Triple Bogey · Dec 6, 2015

msbxa said:
If they take a few days to respond, but then they eventually DO, wouldn't that show that they ARE interested?

I don't see why it should be a big deal to respond / not respond within a certain time. Not too early, but not too late.
Because then it really becomes like you are just following the social rules. If you don't do things how you would naturally do them then it is not real.
- If you respond too early you may appear desperate. (Which may not necessarily be a bad thing in my opinion, but it turns a lot of people off apparently)
- If you respond too late, they may not think you are interested, or interested ENOUGH. So in this case I guess I'm screwed because I take time to reply not because I'm not interested, I take time because I got to work myself up for it and then feel like I need time to recover from the stress of it.

No, I find if somebody takes a while to reply then when they do it's only a few words or lines. It's out of politeness more than anything. I've never made a friend like this. I get a vibe from a person. I am not usually wrong.

user 108508 · Dec 6, 2015

msbxa said:
When it comes to online dating or just trying to make friends in general,
do people get put off when you have not messaged them in a few days?

It doesn't bother me, I do not keep score of how long it takes someone to respond to me.

I stay pretty busy and do my best to return emails/texts/calls as soon as I can/when it's convenient. Most of my friends and family know that I am also very ditzy and have a bad habit of leaving the phone on vibrate or not checking email for several days at a time. I rarely, if ever, ignore someone's communication. If I don't want to talk to them, I have no problem telling him/her flat out.

Be patient. Those that are worth your time, will respond.

Triple Bogey · Dec 6, 2015

MissGuided said:
msbxa said:

When it comes to online dating or just trying to make friends in general,
do people get put off when you have not messaged them in a few days?

Click to expand...

It doesn't bother me, I do not keep score of how long it takes someone to respond to me.

I stay pretty busy and do my best to return emails/texts/calls as soon as I can/when it's convenient. Most of my friends and family know that I am also very ditzy and have a bad habit of leaving the phone on vibrate or not checking email for several days at a time. I rarely, if ever, ignore someone's communication. If I don't want to talk to them, I have no problem telling him/her flat out.

Be patient. Those that are worth your time, will respond.

I'm not saying it's the right thing to do but it's how I feel. Someone taking a few days to write half a dozen lines that takes a minute ?

Established friends I treat differently.

Does it turn people off when you are slow to reply

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