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Volt

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Hello. Every now and then something happens to me in social settings in which i didn't really know how to act. I would like some advice on those situations. So in this thread i'll post some of those, maybe you got some advice or insight for me to help me improve my social skills. Or anything else you think i need some insight on that i am unable to see. Thanks alot in advance!

Situation 1: This was a couple of days ago at work. I get along well with a lady working at another department. I think she's around 50 years old. We don't have much contact with other departments, we pass through every now and then. If that makes sense. Anyway, i noticed she was more quiet than usual, so i said "you're quiet today." She took me apart a couple of meters away and said her dad just passed away, and that that's why she was quiet. It was kind of nowhere, i was a little .. overwhelmed, i think, can't think of the right word, and responded with "Oh, my condolences." (Not in an i don't care way, mind you)I felt somewhat dumb afterwards. I wanted to do or say more after that but i had not the slightest idea what to do. What would you guys advice?

Situation 2: I was on the train today. After leaving a random station some man came into the train compartment (compartment according to google translate..). Telling his story of being homeless and if anyone had something to spare. I wasn't sure what to do, i get anxious when things like that happen (things i did not predict). I had some food with me, i could've given him that, but i did not. The guy across me said he had some food for him, which he gave. Afterwards i felt happy to have witnessed the guy giving that to him, but i was pondering on what i'd want to do. The food i had with me wasn't healthy, but i figured that was an excuse i made for myself. Basicly i felt bad for not helping the man out, but also didn't really have clear for myself what i'd really want to do, wether it was a simple issue of growing balls and just giving him something while there are plenty of people listening, or something else. What do you think? And what would you do in this situation?

Thank you kindly for reading.
 
In both cases I think you did what you wanted to do, and I think that is what you should be doing.
In #1 there's never really much to say in such circumstances if you don't know her that well. Many people in her situation don't even want to talk about things and just need time to process the events with their families and close friends.
In #2, did you feel pressured to give food or to not give food? Where was this pressure coming from, yourself or others? I think you should just do what you want to here. If you want to give then give. If you don't want to give then don't. You should never do anything you don't want to do just because other people might think you should. Giving should always come directly from the heart, not through feeling obligated or for seeking other people's respect.

Don't pressure yourself, and also don't let others pressure you either. Just do what you think is right.
 
With situation 1, don't feel stupid, you offered condolences. I find socializing and talking extremely easy and when someone brings up death it makes me so uncomfortable, i never know what to say. If she's a friend I'd offer an ear to listen. When I first started hanging out with my bf he opened up about his mother's death and I felt so awkward and nervous because I didn't want to say something stupid. I just sat there and listened to him and said small things here and there. I think sometimes it's healing for people to just be able to talk about it, and all you really need to do is listen.

On the train, don't beat yourself up. We all replay situations in our mind we could have done better, just do better next time if that's what feels right to you. Even if it's junk food, I'm sure they appreciate it anyways. One time I went to 711 and bought a ton of junk food for myself and when i left there was a homeless person sitting out front bundled up in the cold. I felt so bad for her, i walked over and handed her the bag. She was so grateful and had a huge smile on her face. Sometimes what seems like a small gesture is a big gesture to someone else.
 
Situation one you did fine. If you wanted you could give her a card or something very small. When I was in an office we'd pass around cards. I specifically remember we did that for when someone's grandma died.

Situation two it depends on if I feel like they are bsing or not. I probably wouldn't have given him anything. I used to give money and was even stupid enough to give someone a ride once. I used to be way too naive and gullible. Always they are full of it in the end. Waste of time and money bothering with beggars.
 
Thanks for the responses. Sorry it took a while to get back to you. I get that alot when making threads.

I agree with you that listening in such circumstances goes a very long way, more than you'd think. I just felt a bit awkward with my reaction.

For the second situation, i'm not entirely sure where the pressure is coming from. I just know that i feel pressured. I think part of it is me pressuring myself to make my mind up on what i'd really want to do. I also think of wether they're bullshitting or not, but i don't think i can accurately guage that in the timespan i come in contact with them. I almost always give them the benefit of the doubt. As it was for this person. I thought he was genuine. I think next time i'll give them food if i have any, it's what i'm leaning to most. Not sure why i find it so hard to just make up my mind.
 
Alrighty, I hope this isn't too late but I wonder if I might offer my own opinion on the matters.

With situation number one, everything you did there was perfectly acceptable. No reason to feel a bit dumb about it. You did the right thing in offering condolences in a caring manner, that's all you can really do. After all, you don't know them all that well. If they were a friend, it might be better to add that if they needed anything then you'd be there to support them and, well, do whatever they ask (well, not everything but within reason). Ultimately, if they're a relative stranger then you did everything right. If they choose to hold that against you or something then that's their problem, you did everything expected.

Situation two is a bit strange. Giving food or drink is perhaps the best option, certainly never give anyone like that money. Honestly, my question would be 'okay, he says's he's broke but he can afford a train ticket?' Something fishy about that. Ultimately you should always be wary of anyone who asks for something for nothing. Don't feel bad.
 
Sounds like you did fine. And, you live and learn as you are exposed to new situations you can reflect and as you move through life you are more equipped to deal with them. For the grief stricken, a simple , I am very sorry for your loss" is all that is necessary. There are no words you need to say to make a bereaved person feel better. It is something they have to work through and all you can is express condolences and sympathy.
 
Situation 1: There really isn't much more to say other than that. When I went through losing a parent, I couldn't hear what people were saying to me. All I could hear were my own thoughts and my own emotions and feelings. They could say a whole bunch in a message but it wouldn't change the fact that my dad was gone. So keeping it short and simple like you did I think was the best that you could do.

Situation 2: It really depends if you would have had enough to spare for the man or not and it's really up to how you feel about it. I don't think there is any right or wrong here, people are entitled to feel and believe what they want in this situation, and not giving the man the food you had doesn't make you a bad person or a selfish person. The fact that you even pondered about it just goes to show that it mattered to you. I would probably give the man what I have with me at the time or if I'm not comfortable with it and think it's not right, I would probably give him some money to get himself some food.
 
Super late, but thanks everyone for the responses, i appreciate them. I feel a bit empty on what to respond, but didn't want to wait any longer. I'll take these things with me for the next time.
 
Hi Volt!
Maybe it was guilty you felt at sensing a real situation that "needed" your help, and you miss that chance to grow up (don't feel discouraged)

They wiil give you a 2nd chance to help yourself.

There have been chances I recoiled like you and, by helping others, I'll be helped when my time came.
 

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