Difficulty of making true friends

I'm sure many people on here also find it so difficult to find true friends these days. I don't know why things are changing so much, but I have noticed that friendships seem to be becoming more and more casual. I don't seem to have a problem in making friends, but keeping them is the problem. I'm always the one making the effort, yet after a while it seems like the other person just couldn't be bothered to make the effort anymore and things just become stale. How difficult is it to make true friends now?

I would concur with the OP on this one. People just don't seem to care about each other any more. Even little things like being generally inconsiderate to others, uncaring even. I find it's common place and even accepted that people don't think about the convenience of others. Irritating to say the least.

Still, back to topic. I have a few 'true' friends, but I've known them for years. Others though, well, I regard them as colleagues and 'some people I know'. I always seem to be the one to make the effort to stay friendly, whereas everyone else just doesn't seem to care. Certainly bothers me, and I'm one of those people who people seem to find 'likeable' for some reason. I wouldn't profess it myself, but it just seems to be a thing people say about me.

Afraid I don't have any advice for you. You're not alone though. Heh.

Social media may possibly be changing some of the ways that relationships are formed and behave, but I doubt anything has actually changed anywhere. Society never truly changes. There are too many factors which try to stabilize the status quo to allow for change to happen.

I think more likely what you're experiencing is a personal growth. Relationships in our past always seem to be easier at times when we were less mature, less identified with our true selves, at least for everyone I know. As we approach adulthood and beyond we mature in more ways than just physical ones. We identify who we really are and let less things get past us than we ever did in the past. We hold stronger beliefs and convictions and we even learn to fight for them because we've grown tired of a world which, as I said above, does not ever really change. And we notice more things, too. Things that never used to bother us, like if someone said 'Thank You', or if someone returned your question when asking how their day was. We see more detail in things because we learn to look for it.

Social media seems to just be a part in revealing who is who and what is what. How people like us grow tired of the superficial games that people play in their relationships. How some of us just don't have time or patience for the ridiculousness of those kinds of relationships anymore. That we want something more, something deeper, and they want something that simply quick to fill the void, immediate gratification.

Is this not true for you? I'd bet you push for more info about people when trying to make friends and that is why they stop making an effort on their end. They have nothing underneath to show you.

Maybe it's not true, though. This is all just from my experience. And I'm really rather cynical about people in general, especially when it comes to the idea of 'friendship'.

I think it can be very difficult to make true friends these days.

In social media, I find it difficult to know who is after expanding their social circle and who is looking for real friendship. The tweets don't seem to go anywhere - they just stay at the casual level.

Through social media I've made many casual acquaintances with those who share a passion for art. As for making new friends over the past few years, I have no experience of that. I have several hundred followers on Twitter, none of which are real friends unfortunately, although I have tried, but (so far) no-one has reciprocated.

Those with more popular Twitter accounts appear to be making real off-line friendships with some of their followers. Having thousands of followers and being immensely popular, they are able to cherry-pick who they choose to become real-life friends with.

If I were in the fortunate position of transitioning from acquaintance to friend, I would be very aware that the relationship would have to pass through a period of uncertainty, on a basis of being completely honest with each other to see if there is a long-term interest for caring, supporting and all the other things that comprise a meaningful friendship. The keeping of friends that you speak of, and that the other person can't be bothered to make the effort anymore - could it be that (as far as the other person goes) it just wasn't meant to be a true friendship of the kind you seek?

As for losing friends - I know how much that hurts: friendship should be joyful, never a burden or to feel that you're a burden to your friend.

yes i share ll of your sentients on friendships. i think often it can be a matter of personal growth, i think perhaps 10 or 15 year ago , i would have been open to making friend with many different types of people, but i think that experience has changed that and now its more a case of meeting like mindd people.

mermaid11 said:

I don't seem to have a problem in making friends, but keeping them is the problem. I'm always the one making the effort, yet after a while it seems like the other person just couldn't be bothered to make the effort anymore and things just become stale. How difficult is it to make true friends now?

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I hear ya on this one.

People seem to change their minds at some point and I've pretty much gotten used to that. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or that it's not a bummer when a friend decides that hey, you're just not worth their time after all that you've been through with each other.

I'm not sure why or what but I think the lasting friendships are the ones made with people who are loyal and want to keep the friendship going just as much as you do and it's hard to find these people I guess. How do we find such people? I don't know. Just keep making new friends and see if you'd be lucky enough, I suppose.

I do know that the more I talk to people around here and in real life, the more I learn that there are still good people around. Whether they end up being long lasting friends, I think it doesn't matter anymore. At some point we all gotta face the end, so might as well just treasure the current friendships you have in the best way you can and enjoy them while they last. I tell myself, people come and go and that's just one of the things that just happens in life. Sucks, bummer, hurtful.. but inevitable.

Something is different but I am not sure what it is. I happen to find social media has improved my "friendships." In person I guess I come off stand off ish and people don't think I am fun. In a way I want that because being gregarious can lead to crud friends. But when I friend people on facebook and am my funny gregarious self... it seems to make people more sure of me and like me better, but, that said, they still don't want to do things with me.

My biggest problem seems to be location and availability. Most people my age are married with kids and most people live 20 miles or more from me. None of us want to meet up because of the time and effort involved.

There is also something I have noticed and I am not sure how to fix... a bit of paranoia. People have had such bad relationships that even if they meet someone who looks to be a good friend they are weary of them. I have a neighbor who always wants to say hello to me but I am weary of her because though she insists on saying hi and waving...and once invited me for tequila, which I turned down, she doesn't seem to want to do anything else. I am wear of her and she me.

I think our culture has changed. Everything is fast and in small, easy to digest bytes. I think a lot of people approach friendships that way now. I don't find that people really want to know others down to their core anymore. It all seems very superficial. More 'friends of the moment" than something deep and long lasting.

I think with experience comes a certain level of being jaded and trust issues

You burn your hand once on the stove .... you tend to be more careful in the future

It's very hard to make friends when you can't even be your own friend. That's my problem, I see no self worth so why would I encourage anyone else to find it in me?

I also don't like badgering people which is how I feel if I contact someone, so I just don't bother.

I feel the same way as you do. Same for romantic relationships. People just want casual.
When making a friend, people think "What can i get from this guy?" instead of "What can i give to this guy?"
Friendship is about sharing, and thats the problem. People dont like to share - they want to get. There is a huge lack of kindness in the world.
Nothing seems to last nowdays, like if everyone is easily replaceable. Love is dying
I may have colleagues, but no friends, no one I can count with, no one who will stand for me when I need.

lonelynurse said:

I feel the same way as you do. Same for romantic relationships. People just want casual.
When making a friend, people think "What can i get from this guy?" instead of "What can i give to this guy?"
Friendship is about sharing, and thats the problem. People dont like to share - they want to get. There is a huge lack of kindness in the world.
Nothing seems to last nowdays, like if everyone is easily replaceable. Love is dying
I may have colleagues, but no friends, no one I can count with, no one who will stand for me when I need.

Click to expand...

get out of my head
are "we" a dying breed ?
I say we because I suspect most of us here are givers not takers

BadGuy said:

lonelynurse said:

I feel the same way as you do. Same for romantic relationships. People just want casual.
When making a friend, people think "What can i get from this guy?" instead of "What can i give to this guy?"
Friendship is about sharing, and thats the problem. People dont like to share - they want to get. There is a huge lack of kindness in the world.
Nothing seems to last nowdays, like if everyone is easily replaceable. Love is dying
I may have colleagues, but no friends, no one I can count with, no one who will stand for me when I need.

Click to expand...

get out of my head
are "we" a dying breed ?
I say we because I suspect most of us here are givers not takers

Click to expand...

Yes, I guess we are a dying breed...

lonelynurse said:

BadGuy said:

lonelynurse said:

I feel the same way as you do. Same for romantic relationships. People just want casual.
When making a friend, people think "What can i get from this guy?" instead of "What can i give to this guy?"
Friendship is about sharing, and thats the problem. People dont like to share - they want to get. There is a huge lack of kindness in the world.
Nothing seems to last nowdays, like if everyone is easily replaceable. Love is dying
I may have colleagues, but no friends, no one I can count with, no one who will stand for me when I need.

Click to expand...

get out of my head
are "we" a dying breed ?
I say we because I suspect most of us here are givers not takers

Click to expand...

Yes, I guess we are a dying breed...

Click to expand...

Sure, it's a bummer that there seems to be lacking kindness in people but it's not all over yet. There are still so many good people out there doing good things, spreading it out and allowing others to learn to behave kindly.

Why let it die then? Why not teach the younger ones what good qualities they can develop so that it won't die? That's what I'd want to do.

Something that I find a little odd is that there is no social media way to connect with real friends. There is a social media app for almost anything else but not to connect real true deep friends. I suppose it might not be profitable because extroverts are more likely to use them but, I wish there was a way to find good people where i live.

Also, I do know several very good people who, I would adore as friends. But, the thing is, they are all extroverts. I get a little scared to think that possibly 50% of introverts are sucky people and that is why I keep getting bad friends. Because I gravitate toward introverts and ... mostly, they might not be good friends / people.

I think true friends have always been rare but there are many reasons it's gotten harder to find them. With age people are busier with other relationships, or are frantically trying to get busy with them. People are also used to instant gratification. Instant friendships. Instant sympathy. Instant connection. To really know and grow with people takes time, and often a bit of trouble along the way.

One thing that comes to mind is how many people I see who are looking for friendships now that they've broken up, now that they've been cheated on, etc.

I think a more difficult aspect of finding and keeping true friends around is the fact that so many people tend to get upset and too emotional over every little thing. In my experience, you say one honestly thought out thing to them in the easiest way you can word it, and they want to act like you were out to get them, when that wasn't the case at all. To me, if I can't be honest with someone and tell them exactly what's on my mind - without them getting offended - then I can't truly consider them a true friend. And the same goes for me as well. I fully expect anyone who calls me a friend or a friend of mine to be honest with me, even if it means they say not-so-nice things. I'd rather a friend make their point and tell me what they really think than to pretend and sugarcoat. I don't think true friends sugarcoat, and that's pretty hard to find in today's world where so many people are artificially sweet and only care about what others think.

I don't need artificial. I need honest. I appreciate someone who says what I know I should be hearing.

There are plenty of 'fairweather friends' on social media.

*thinks* do they still use that term nowadays?

LonesomeDay said:

There are plenty of 'fairweather friends' on social media.

*thinks* do they still use that term nowadays?

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Depends on who "they" is.

Tealeaf said:

LonesomeDay said:

There are plenty of 'fairweather friends' on social media.

*thinks* do they still use that term nowadays?

Click to expand...

Depends on who "they" is.

Click to expand...

Those under the age of 30 I guess.