Lack of Emotional Intelligence

I guess I have no emotional intelligence. I recently have discovered this must be one of my weaknesses. I am not manipulative and I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to manipulate in a negative way (like an ******* who purposefully harms people), and I don't know how to manipulate in a positive way (to ensure that things work in my favour.)

Let me explain.

The lady above me makes noise all night. I have filed 2-3 complaints and the most that ever happens is that she stops for a while.

Recently I have filed another complaint but nothing has been done and I cannot sleep. The last time I filed, she came to my unit and tried to start a fight with me. She got so aggressive that the superintendent had to pull her away. She went psychotic. I'm pretty sure she is on drugs that keep her wired. This is a 57 year old woman we are talking about.

So as a result of the inaction I have begun doing it back to her and this is where i lack emotional intelligence, because the reality is that I'm sure the whole building can hear me yelling at her and banging on my walls. Ive found that she sleeps from 6 pm to 11 pm so I have been banging on the ceiling and yelling during this time.

The result of this will inevitably be someone complaining about me and thinking that I'm the one whos crazy and even though I'm aware of this, I'm still doing it.

It seems like when the powers that are supposed to help dont do so, I take things into my own hands. This will inevitably backfire because I dont know how to be manipulative. I dont know how to set people up, I dont know how to be sneaky, I dont know how to be underhanded... I just dont know how to get what I want. I dont know how to create ,manipulative scenarious, use maniulative wording etc...

Eventually I will start loosing my patience and direct my frustrations at my property management and then I will be the one who is targeted for being a pain in the ass.

And it could have been handled differently by me being manipulative and sneeky, smiling pretty and acting like I know nothing about it, all the while nailing this inconsiderate ***** to the wall.

Then, this woman down the hall has her kids running down the hall screaming all day from one apartment to the other and everybody on the floor is pissed off, but not a single person complains. But of course, I get the most frustrated and impulsively open my door and tell her kids to stop yelling. And then when they don't stop I start recording it on video and even tell the kids that they are being recorded so I can complain, then comes the mother and of course who argues with the mother but me.

My point is that a smart person would have recorded it, and then smiled at the kids and smiled at the mom and told the mom how cute the kids are and then wrote a nasty complaint letter to the property management so that she would never think it was me. And in regards to the lady above me...

I could have been manipulative by banging on her neibours walls late at night or something and getting her neibour to complain as well.

I could have lied to the superintendent and said that I hear a washing machine running up there and that my toilet overflows from it.

I could have even said I heard parties up there.

I could play nikki nikki 9 doors all night with her and drive her crazy...

But I dont think of these things, because I'm stupid that way.

However, I havn't a clue how to restrain myself at the time of telling her where to shove it and I dont have the logic to calulate how to be devious to get what i want, unlike much of the population who has such good skills at this.

I dont know how to gaslight, and yet some people are so good at it. After I argued with the mother, she walked past my apartment and purposefully bumped into my door as she walked by. What she wanted was to have me come out and get upset and then record me getting upset.

See what I mean? People know how to be sneaky and how to instigate and how to mould and gaslight others. They know how to set people up and get under peoples skin to get them upset... and I dont, I just dont.

Or thats not even it maybe. I just dont have the ability to think FAST and SNEEKY. I confront things head on and it gets me into trouble. I give my power away by being straightforward.

And the saddest thing, is that lately I find myself thinking about this more and more and more.

Its like what the soccer players do. A player sneekily pushes another player, he pushes him back and the first player falls to the ground holding his stomach and reeling... yet not a **** thing is wrong with his stomach. He just used the other players anger to use it in his favor to get the other player a penalty. He manipulated the situation.

Its like the person who hits someone and then when the other person hits back (after everyone is looking), the original pusher purposefully falls to the floor and cries omg he hit me.

Its like the movie mean girls. How does one learn to be devious like this? I'ts like more and more i see these nasty sneaky behaviors and im sadly becoming aware of them and wishing I was this smart. WTF when you are wishing to be devious in order to stop bad things from happening to you. WTF is wrong with this world.

More and more I find myself saying to myself... how do I make sure that person gets messed and I dont.

Yet, still, I am always the one to be set off by gaslighting and always the one getting set up. Even when Im aware people do it, i still fall for it anyway.

At what point will i ever get the point and stop being so stupid and emotionally unintelligent.

Now I have to deal with 2 people in my building who are going to give me problems. And the reality is that at some point they will figure out that i have complained about both of them and they will get together and put it all on me. Not to mention the property management will wonder why I have complained about both of them. They will ask themselves... Are her ears too sensitive maybe? Maybe so because she must be a bit crazy if she's banging on the walls at night and yelling. Then guess who will become the blame.>Me

However, the reality is that they are both acting inconsiderately and affecting other peoples enjoyment of their units. So they will get warned, it will benefit everyone else and i will be the one who pays for it.

These are just two scenarios, I see it all around me in so many situations. It makes me want to withdraw from humanity or become a vile human.

Its awful what this is doing to me. Lately I have even been thinking about topics such as revenge and thinking maybe I should sleep with peoples husbands. Thats an indication of how detached from emotional logic I actually am at this point. Im just really tired of always being the one whos actually correct or in the right but gets screwed because I cant seem to get the blame where it actually needs to be. Maybe its my turn to screw people.

Im so tired of being a decent human. It just seems that evil people aways win and they always win by being evil.

I dont know what will become of me, but life is really doing its damage and teaching me some really unfortunate lessons.

What the F is going on when life is teaching you that you should be manipulative evil and sneeky to get what you want ?

Well what do you expect living in an apartment around all of those people? It comes with the territory. You don't need to gaslight or manipulate anyone. Move to a house and all of your problems are solved.

They aren't evil. They are just inconsiderate. And even if you did the things you mentioned, that would probably not change anything other than getting yourself in trouble.

Or you could go full frank underwood on them and quietly push them in front of the subway. I guess that works.

kamya said:

Well what do you expect living in an apartment around all of those people? It comes with the territory.

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I expect the woman above me to sleep at night and not operate machinery that bangs on the ceiling all night keeping me awake. And if she cant sleep at night i expect her to appreciate that others do sleep at night and that she needs to concern herself with her noisemaking because its not all about her.

I expect the woman down the hall to teach her children some manners and not to defend them when they are acting rudely or disrespectfully to other people. I also expect her not to be using her children as runway delivery agents for whatever corrupt business they have going on between the three units they inhabit.

I expect property management to do something about the woman above me and stop her from doing industrial labour in her unit all night and i expect property management to inform the woman down the hall to control her kids as she has been informed before due to other complaints.

If i had money to buy a house i would be gone in a heartbeat. And I do expect this, because most people are inconsiderate jackasses, but that doesnt mean i have to accept it.

Sorry, my sleep and desire to maintain the respectful living quarters that I have is more important than their self absorbed ignorance.

What i should do is knock on her door at 3 am, get her to chase me to my unit then beat the tar out of her, call the police and say she came to my unit and assaulted me. Thats what all awesome manipulative people would do isn't it?

And hey it would solve my problems because she would be in jail, and have a record of assault, and have a big x on her tenancy. See... sneaky manipulative people win.

And then she gets out and decides to make it even worse. Then it goes on and on until crazy does what crazy does and someone is dead. Then you've won. Congratulations on being able to sleep for a night.

Or, you could just deal with it for now and make it a goal to get out of there.

Well, there's certainly not a lack of it. You did think of things to do. Just because you didn't do any of it doesn't mean you lack the knowledge of being that way.

VanillaCreme said:

Well, there's certainly not a lack of it. You did think of things to do. Just because you didn't do any of it doesn't mean you lack the knowledge of being that way.

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Which I guess is somewhat my point. Why the hell am I thinking this honeysuckle just because other people have hurt me with this kind of honeysuckle. I dont want to be like this honeysuckle but dealing with this honeysuckle and suffering from it has got me thinking I would rather not be the one suffering from this honeysuckle, maybe I should be the one doing this honeysuckle.

Because how do you actually avoid this honeysuckle unless you are the one doing the honeysuckle.

Selfish inconsiderate people, shall I go sleepless and get sick or maybe they deserve some honeysuckle. Maybe that ignorant ***** upstairs needs some itching powder on her door so she can stay up and scratch rather than make noise playing nightime factory honeysuckle.

And further to this, it takes me days and hours and countless movies to try to think of this honeysuckle. It doesnt come natural like it does to some people who clearly have a reptoire of evil in thier heads that they can spew out a given notice and situation. Why does it come natural to some people? Why is this kind of behavior a natural part of some people?

Does this just happen to people when they get messed over one too many times and start thinking evil honeysuckle like I am doing?. Are all people actually this evil and maybe I was the only one who wasnt an evil honeysuckle all this time and thats why this is all bloody horrific to me?

Its 1:40 and I am awake listening to her banging. She is an evil selfish honeysuckle.

There's definitely a level of vengeance felt, from just reading your posts alone. Whether it comes natural or not is beside the point. There's still a lot of hateful thoughts. I don't know about you, but most people aren't worthy enough for me to hate like that. Because the only person that even affects is myself. And I'm just not going to bother with it. Okay, sure, you've got pain in the ass neighbors. Lots of people deal with that on a daily basis. I'm not saying this is the easiest choice or it may not even be possible for you to do in the moment, but you could move. Being hateful to neighbors - through thought or actions - doesn't really solve any issues. It might make you feel better for a minute, but it doesn't fix any issues.

I really don't know what to tell you because you seem to be really comfortable with being in that hateful mindset towards those neighbors. I really don't think they're "evil" people. Sure, they're not perfect neighbors, but I wouldn't up and call someone evil for making noise. The term evil to me is retained for more vile people who do disgusting and disturbing things; Not noisy neighbors.

The world is full of inconsiderate arseholes. But you are the one paying the price when you engage in the way you are engaging. Jerks dont stop being jerks when told they sre jerks. But by engaging and giving them power you are the one that is left with the knkt in the stomach. Dont play. Dont give away your piece.
Your options are: 1. Report to management. Which you did.
2. Ask neighbors to stop the behaviors which you did.
Ok now what? You can choose to accept this noise as part of apt living and continue filing complaints to mgmt and go about your own life. Or, you can consider that it is time to move.

Trying to "outdo" them isnt going to work. It will only make you feel more miserable and wont bother them one whit. Dont play.

Reminds me of the young family living two floors above me in my old apartment. Their kids were always loud, running around in the stairwell and sometimes they rang my doorbell for fun. The mother had no way to control them except for yelling. The only tolerable one was the guy who actually took my trashbags out since everyone's were piled up in the backyard. He had little control over anything either, but he was being nice at least. Yet I thought about multiple ways to express my annoyance but in the end I did nothing.

Instead I casually brought it up in a chat with my landlady and of course she didn't think they were too pleasant either, but I understood she needed the money and was willing to tolerate their disturbances. Now replace a landlady who actually lives in the building with some distant management and you realize it's all about the money, sadly. You can only come to terms with this, don't try to play psycho games with the other tenants. Nothing good will come out of it and that's not a question of emotional intelligence. You're not in a position to leverage anybody cause you pay rent and so do they.

I can tell it's already unbearable but if you lack the option of moving out, collect solid evidence and keep filing complaints. One last option I have on my mind is talking to other sensible tenants (if there are any) and ask them about the noises. If they are also bothered, get them on board and see if you can get a whole group of people to put pressure on management. That would be the diplomatic approach.

I would say be careful with any revenge tactics. I have seen around where I live and lived it get out of control when neighbours disagree about behaviour. I have seen neighbours hospitalised from it. I am sure it is an awful situation, I would say use the fire you have over this situation and put it into a positive action, like finding ways to raise the money to move either into your own house, or whatever might be feasible. I remember when I wanted to buy my first house I worked full time Monday to Friday in my main job and then worked Friday Evenings, All day Saturday and Sunday in 6 months I had made a ton of money and enough for the deposit.

I also lack this ability. And I think because I am single everyone just realizes they don't have to pay attention to me. I don't have power so manipulation only works when people are going to get something from going along with it.

I do think there is a need for people to stop being so "oh they don't mean it." When behavior has been pointed out to people and they continue to do it.. you have the right to presume they are intentionally doing it and just don't care.

I have dealt with noise from neighbors and the first thing that shocked me was just how quickly people claimed not to notice. I found that impossible because if I couldn't sleep they couldn't but they all claimed they didn't notice.

When I had my noisy neighbor (who was below me if you can believe that) at first I was kind and just went down there and told him he was too noisy. And despite his earnest seeming promises to stop... he would bring his friends over at 2 AM and they would be drunk. Finally one night his friends came over in the middle of summer so the windows were open. They blasted the tv (they were drunk) and I obviously could hear it out the windows. I called the cops and it was great because the cops just silently drove up and observed the blasting music coming out of this place (as opposed to the gas-lighting that the neighbor always claimed I was "too sensitive") and they were all so drunk and wasted they didn't notice. They got cited for "disturbing the peace" and then I submitted the police report to the condo who fined him. The owner got the message that this wasn't a frat house and left on his own.

That is what you have to do... make it so the noise person wants to leave.

Most landlords only care about a few things. Getting the rent check on time and people destroying their property. Beyond that many dont care. If u can show that their actions are damaging then they may take notice.
Case in point. There was a rental house a few doors down. One day i noticed a pitbull in the yard. I found out who owned the home and called the landlord. I assured him that if that dog was ever off the leash and bit a kid (it was right across from the playground) that i would certainly testify to that. Turns out they were not allowed to have pets and the renters were gone the next day.

stork_error said:

My point is that a smart person would have recorded it, and then smiled at the kids and smiled at the mom and told the mom how cute the kids are and then wrote a nasty complaint letter to the property management so that she would never think it was me.

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What you describe here isn't emotional intelligence, it's passive aggression.
From what I understand about "emotional intelligence", it doesn't involve manipulation, it is more a positive way of behaving.
Why do you want to be passive aggressive or manipulative? We have enough of those types in the world.

I've lived with crappy neighbors and moving is a pain but that might be your best option with neighbors who are driving you insane.

-Teresa

VanillaCreme said:

There's definitely a level of vengeance felt, from just reading your posts alone. Whether it comes natural or not is beside the point.

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I would call it acquired, much like a disease. I'm not ok with it, but I cant say it isnt warranted either.

There's still a lot of hateful thoughts. I don't know about you, but most people aren't worthy enough for me to hate like that. Because the only person that even affects is myself. And I'm just not going to bother with it.

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It was never like this. This is the best apartment in the city for the price and comfort and cleanliness and location. These parents should not be allowing this building to turn into a zoo. I know its not just me who feels this way, its the whole floor. Except everyone is afraid of these families because they really are the problem families of the building. My neibour becide me is really sick, she just has a serious operation and everytime the kids run by screaming and yelling, her dog starts barking and wont stop. Its really awful for her and its really awful for me and its awful for the lady across the hall from her and the lady across from me who is in a wheelchair. This used to be a run well building that was quiet and respectful.

I'm not saying this is the easiest choice or it may not even be possible for you to do in the moment, but you could move.

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not an option right now, not even close.

Being hateful to neighbors - through thought or actions - doesn't really solve any issues. It might make you feel better for a minute, but it doesn't fix any issues.

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It doesnt make me feel better at all, but ignoring it isnt going to help either. I feel so incredibly really sad that my wonderful living quarters for 6 years is being destroyed by these idiots. When all is said and done, this is the only peace and security and comfort I have, nobody is taking that away from me.

I really don't know what to tell you because you seem to be really comfortable with being in that hateful mindset towards those neighbors.
I DO NOT SLEEP.

I really don't think they're "evil" people. Sure, they're not perfect neighbors, but I wouldn't up and call someone evil for making noise. The term evil to me is retained for more vile people who do disgusting and disturbing things; Not noisy neighbours.

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The mother was a rude disrespectful *****, called me names and even knowing it was bothering everyone on the floor, encouraged her children to be defiant ********, and now the children are doing things like bouncing their basketball at my door, giving me the finger as the walk by, and the mother purposefully banged on my door as she walked by... sorry that is evil. So I disagree. People who don't give a fresia about anybody and go out of thier way to create defiant rude ******* children but themselves are evil.
I love music but I don't play it loud ever because I don't want to disturb anyones peace. I guess I will have to change that and blend in with the selfishness and blast music all day loud enough that I cant hear them anymore. I guess I will just have to adapt my own environment to a place where my noise drowns thiers out.

I will buy an air cleaner to make white noise. Studdies show that white noise inhibits deep sleep.. lucky me.

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stork_error said:

My point is that a smart person would have recorded it, and then smiled at the kids and smiled at the mom and told the mom how cute the kids are and then wrote a nasty complaint letter to the property management so that she would never think it was me.

What you describe here isn't emotional intelligence, it's passive aggression
Why do you want to be passive aggressive or manipulative? We have enough of those types in the world.

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Because it would have gotten me what I wanted. For her to shut up, for the landlord to shut her up and for her to never know it was me. I would still feel safe, I wouldn't be a target and I would be living in peace like I was before and the rest my neibours would be happy.

My illogical actions and inactions messed this up, I was looking for empathy from psychos by confronting them, and instead I made myself a target. I handled it wrong and that is my fault. It should have been handled in a sly, quiet, wise, and protective manner.

I made myself vulnerable by letting them know I was their enemy.

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I also lack this ability. And I think because I am single everyone just realizes they don't have to pay attention to me.

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yes, this is why I feel vulnerable and why most of the ppl on my floor are afraid to do anything. We are all single quiet woman vs these 3 annoying psychopathic drama causing problematic families.
.

I do think there is a need for people to stop being so "oh they don't mean it."

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agreed, I think its what people maybe want to believe based on thier own biases

When behavior has been pointed out to people and they continue to do it.. you have the right to presume they are intentionally doing it and just don't care.

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exactly, and it cant get anymore obvious and ignorant then that

I have dealt with noise from neighbors and the first thing that shocked me was just how quickly people claimed not to notice.

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The entire hall notices and is upset and disturbed by it, but nobody does a thing about it because they are all afraid of the wrath of these families. its obvious in the kids and how they think that they are future criminals. Guaranteed 100%. But then I think the entire family is involved in drug trafficking so it doesnt surprise me.

When I had my noisy neighbor (who was below me if you can believe that) at first I was kind and just went down there and told him he was too noisy. And despite his earnest seeming promises to stop... he would bring his friends over at 2 AM and they would be drunk.

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These people dont even promise to stop, they just do it worse because they want to show who has the power. I know tonight I'ts going to be hell with the one above me because its been quiet all day. That means she will be up all night.

Maybe i should give them both itching powder.

Finally one night his friends came over in the middle of summer so the windows were open. They blasted the tv (they were drunk) and I obviously could hear it out the windows. I called the cops and it was great because the cops just silently drove up and observed the blasting music coming out of this place (as opposed to the gas-lighting that the neighbor always claimed I was "too sensitive") and they were all so drunk and wasted they didn't notice. They got cited for "disturbing the peace" and then I submitted the police report to the condo who fined him. The owner got the message that this wasn't a frat house and left on his own.

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Sutton, Just thankyou for understanding. I can always count on you to actually get it.

That is what you have to do... make it so the noise person wants to leave.

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yeah, I cant be afraid of them.

Thanks sutton

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SofiasMami said:

stork_error said:

My point is that a smart person would have recorded it, and then smiled at the kids and smiled at the mom and told the mom how cute the kids are and then wrote a nasty complaint letter to the property management so that she would never think it was me.

Click to expand...

What you describe here isn't emotional intelligence, it's passive aggression.
From what I understand about "emotional intelligence", it doesn't involve manipulation, it is more a positive way of behaving.
Why do you want to be passive aggressive or manipulative? We have enough of those types in the world.

I've lived with crappy neighbors and moving is a pain but that might be your best option with neighbors who are driving you insane.

-Teresa

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That's actually exactly what I was thinking. It's just being passive aggressive. Because clearly, there can be a nastiness. But it's just not utilized.

And for the record, doing something in retaliation, in the hopes to get what you want is being manipulative. So you are manipulative (in the sense of thinking); You've just placed another term with it because you've not done anything yet.

That's actually exactly what I was thinking. It's just being passive aggressive. Because clearly, there can be a nastiness. But it's just not utilized.

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Well I guess we have some education then because i learned it from the annimals in my workplace and my from X. Clearly it seems, the idea of manipulation can in fact be aquired.

And for the record, doing something in retaliation, in the hopes to get what you want is being manipulative.

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Never said it wasnt. However I think the idea of retailiation is misused here. Im not out for revenge to hurt somebody who doesnt deserve it, I'm out to stop somebody who is purposefully hurting both myself and other people from continuing to do it and if one has to be manipulative cunning and sneaky to do so, then that just might be a sad fact of life. And maybe it isnt cunning or sneaky at all, maybe it is just simply wize and intelligent

So you are manipulative (in the sense of thinking); You've just placed another term with it because you've not done anything yet.

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This could be the case but Im only semi convinced that this is a bad thing . I have to think some more on it, I do think that it clearly illustrates how life events can change ones thinking. Interesting fact to me as well.

stork_error said:

And for the record, doing something in retaliation, in the hopes to get what you want is being manipulative.

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Never said it wasnt. However I think the idea of retailiation is misused here. Im not out for revenge to hurt somebody who doesnt deserve it, I'm out to stop somebody who is purposefully hurting both myself and other people from continuing to do it and if one has to be manipulative cunning and sneaky to do so, then that just might be a sad fact of life. And maybe it isnt cunning or sneaky at all, maybe it is just simply wize and intelligent

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You did say that you didn't know how to manipulate. You clearly do. You just don't know what you want to do. And retaliation doesn't always mean you're out to hurt someone. A neighbor's making noise? Then the retaliation would be to bang on the wall or make loud noise of your own. That would be retaliation. Doesn't mean it's hurtful. You seem to be changing definitions to things to suit what you mean.

On a practical note, I've used foam rubber earplugs that are expressly made for blocking out noise. They work great - I've lived in apartments with neighbors who are noisy at night and also lived in an apartment that was on a main street so I slept with earplugs during the summer when my windows were open. If you're in the US, a package costs under $5 and are at any drugstore like Rite-Aid or Walgreens.
I also use them at work as I sit right next to an obnoxious woman who shouts her way through the work day like she's in a war zone. But that's another thread.

Earplugs are more of a temporary solution but they would allow you to get some precious sleep so you can at least think straight about what to do about your situation.

May I also suggest that your noisy neighbors are the cause of your frustration, not some personality defect of yours or inability to manipulate others on your part.

-Teresa

SofiasMami said:

May I also suggest that your noisy neighbors are the cause of your frustration, not some personality defect of yours or inability to manipulate others on your part.

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I was thinking this too, because believe me, I have neighbours above me who can drag the honeysuckle out of anything all day long and make those draggy screechy sounds on floors. It has lessened lately but previously, they could go on all the **** day and it gets on my nerves to the point that I think of very hostile and evil acts towards them in my head. I was close to barging up a few times but someone in my family always holds me back.

Could this be perhaps the root of the problem?