Lonely even in a marriage

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almosthitbottom

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Hi all....this is my first ever post to this forum, and there is a lot of background here so please forgive me if this post does get long-winded.

I am in my 40s and have had terrible experiences with relationships, much like many of you. Like others on this board, I was bullied throughout most of my school years and never had a girlfriend in high school. I had girls hit on me, strangely enough, in what might be called middle school but I did not pick up on it and was too shy to respond to them. I was painfully shy through my 20s and went through a 10-year period - yes, that's right - where I did not date any girl, not once. The reasons for this were many; I was painfully shy/bashful (as some called it); I had no self-confidence; I was living in small towns for a few years where the population was considerably older; and even when I was in college (I did not go until I was 24), all the girls I met (and I did meet many) were ALL in relationships with boyfriends or married. In my college years people suspected I was gay (at my nursing graduation dinner/dance, I spent the occasion chatting with a classmate's boyfriend who was a firefighter - I was an EMT at that time and we were swapping war stories; he later asked me if I was gay as I had not come with a date, and after 2 rejections from single classmates I did not ask anyone else to dance). Even after I finished nursing school & started working I did not meet anyone who was interested in me. Most of them did not even talk to me except on a professional basis which of course is necessary. As a result I threw myself into my work - as both an EMT and RN - and ignored my social life for a few years. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I began trying to date seriously and even that resulted in a number of failed attempts at something long-term. When I was 34 I moved away from British Columbia for work reasons and was introduced by a co-worker to the woman I am now married to. Sounds like a happily-ever-after story? Wrong!

Which brings me to the original point. I am in a marriage that feels very lonely, because my wife does not want to do much in the way of fun things with me. She cares more about her elderly parents, particularly her father, who is 92 & lives in his own home so she & her mother can use his $ to help look after her bankrupt, divorced brother and his 2 boys (her dad has given his permission to use his $). She has bought her brother a house so he will not be homeless and refuses to get a home with me (we live with her mother, at her insistence), unless I were to pay all the bills & look after the property myself (she said she would be too busy looking after her father & mother to help me). My wife will not have date nights with me, go to a nice restaurant, or even the movies - she actually has said that would be 'mean' to her mother. Complicating this whole thing is the fact there is her 12 yr old daughter in the picture (the biological father lives in Calif., and is not in contact) and I have treated this child as my own. When my wife & I are out together all we do is go shopping, mostly for her but very often for her father. If I want to do something such as taking her ice skating or to a movie, she always blows me off and says she 'doesn't have time because [she] has so much to do', almost ALL of which revolves around her family, and I am expected to help them too. My wife does not approve of my working out or my involvement in sports (she knew about this when we got married); she seems to feel it takes away time from her family. Even though I am married to her I don't feel connected anymore; it's like I am expected to be married to her family. She complains that I am in my 'own little world', but resents it if I point out that that is preferable to being around her mother and father on a daily basis (they are both bitter, unpleasant, self-righteous people). I didn't marry for this. I feel almost as horrible as I did when I was single & wanting to connect with a woman. Now I wonder if this is the life I am stuck with.

I know that this is somewhat different than a lot of the threads on this board, because I am married and the overwhelming majority of you have been unsuccessful in meeting women (or men) to have a relationship with. But, as I have found out, a relationship - even a marriage - does not guarantee an escape from loneliness. It feels like my wife is cheating on me but not with another man. Instead, it's with her birth family.
 
I don't really understand how she taking care of her family is so bad? I love my family, and if someone needed me, I would jump in and help them out.

For a little background on me before I go into a different point of view here, I am not married, but my boyfriend and I live together in a home we bought together. We're pretty much in it for the long haul, without the marriage. His father is 65, with only 10% of his lungs working, and he has AIDS. Talk about a needy parent. I might talk to my parents once a week, if that, he talks to his dad everyday. He runs errands everyday, and does chores for him. Only having 10% of his lugs working, his dad can't even go to the mailbox to check his mail without passing out.

Do I get frustrated with it, yea. I hate it. His father is the biggest pain in the ass, but it's his family, and he only has so much time left with him.

Have you talked to your wife? Can you two set a certain day of the week to be with each other? With my bf and I, Friday night is our night no matter what.
 
Nicolelt said:
I don't really understand how she taking care of her family is so bad? I love my family, and if someone needed me, I would jump in and help them out.

For a little background on me before I go into a different point of view here, I am not married, but my boyfriend and I live together in a home we bought together. We're pretty much in it for the long haul, without the marriage. His father is 65, with only 10% of his lungs working, and he has AIDS. Talk about a needy parent. I might talk to my parents once a week, if that, he talks to his dad everyday. He runs errands everyday, and does chores for him. Only having 10% of his lugs working, his dad can't even go to the mailbox to check his mail without passing out.

Do I get frustrated with it, yea. I hate it. His father is the biggest pain in the ass, but it's his family, and he only has so much time left with him.

Have you talked to your wife? Can you two set a certain day of the week to be with each other? With my bf and I, Friday night is our night no matter what.
Click to expand...
Nicolett, the problem is not that she takes care of 1 family member, but ALL of them, and they have consumed my life as well as hers, in that I am expected to help in every way but finances.

I should have clarified, this situation has been going on for years with no apparent end in sight. My wife's brother - the one she bought the house for - is only able to work alternating weeks d/t custody arrangements (he lives in a different province than us), so there seems no end to the mortgage & bill payments my wife makes on his behalf.

As good as your idea is, my wife will not hear of it. Also, our schedules do not always match (I work shifts and so does she) so that makes things more difficult. She is always saying how she has 'so much to do' - most of it surrounding her family - and expects me to help her constantly. She has no car (she spent the $$ she had saved for one to buy the house for her brother) so I am expected to drive her everywhere, and the implied expectations are that I will help look after her father. He has become a daily presence in our lives and the visits we make to him are not for pleasure or even to check on him; my wife can and often does spend up to 4 hrs/day working at that house.

Sorry, these are details I should have included. This man should not be in his home anymore; he has started to fall at his home and is now at risk of injury. My wife wants to wait until spring to put him in a home.
 
next time you have to drive her some place ...tell her you need to leave 15 minutes early for a stop along the way ...it very important
make something up to throw her off if needed
Take that 15 minutes to stop for a coffee or something like that ...get out of the car and open her door and take her hand ..if only 15 minutes it something

When my Dad was dying I moved back home to help out and also take care of Mom
My girlfriend went along ...we had always taken care of the property for them leading up until then ..acres of lawn
I had made an apartment in the basement to maintain some privacy
After my Dad passed we stayed for several years until we set a wedding date
Mom moved into a condo for several years and now a nursing home

It sucks to be pulled in two different directions like your wife but can understand your needs as well
 
How often are you saying no to her when she expects you to drive her around and drop all your interests for her all the time? Maybe you aren't saying it enough. She sounds really disrespectful to me. If she loves you then she should be happy to give you time to preserve your own interests. It honestly sounds like a one way relationship to me and why should you put up with it?
 
almosthitbottom said:
But, as I have found out, a relationship - even a marriage - does not guarantee an escape from loneliness. It feels like my wife is cheating on me but not with another man. Instead, it's with her birth family.
Click to expand...

Many many many of my female friends are just miserable in their marriages. I often do feel lucky that I didn't get married. You can be lonely even in a marriage but, with all due respect, you are the reason that all my female friends are miserable. Their husbands seem to think that they should be special and not have to deal with unpleasant things or support their wives and just get the affection (and sex) that was "promised" in their choice to marry. The wives run around exhausted all day (kids, work, elders, pets) tending to the reality that the husband doesn't help with much of anything and then hubbie is mad and upset they aren't in the mood for sex or date night.

I didn't marry for this. I feel almost as horrible as I did when I was single & wanting to connect with a woman. Now I wonder if this is the life I am stuck with.
Click to expand...

Exhibit A. You did marry for this. That is why your wife's parents refer to you as their "SON-IN-LAW" - your their son now. Your supposed to be there in good times and in bad for your wife and them. You are family.

She is always saying how she has 'so much to do' - most of it surrounding her family - and expects me to help her constantly.
Click to expand...

Exhibit B. That is why women get married... for assistance. By and large they can live pretty well on their own otherwise.

His father is the biggest pain in the ass, but it's his family, and he only has so much time left with him.
Click to expand...

See, this is the right response. You need an attitude adjustment or a divorce. It is downright shocking and annoying to me to have you say she is willing to put him in a home in the spring and you apparently can't wait that long.
 
LonelySutton said:
almosthitbottom said:
Exhibit A. You did marry for this. That is why your wife's parents refer to you as their "SON-IN-LAW" - your their son now. Your supposed to be there in good times and in bad for your wife and them. You are family.
Click to expand...

But isn't it just as easy to reverse that and say that she married for the good and bad in him as well? It sounds like what his wife is pushing for is a one way relationship where he is expected to give everything and gets nothing back. Helping the father is one thing but why should he have to put up with so much being invested in his brother in law as well? The latter is a adult and it isn't the job of the OP and his wife to provide for him (unless there are extreme circumstances which I don't recall him mentioning in the OP). She also complains about his interests and yet he had them before they married. Why did she marry him if she had a problem with this? Did she expect him just to give all of that up? Sorry, doesn't work that way.

She isn't fulfilling her end of the deal as a wife so why should he as a husband? I also think your comment that the OP thinks he is special and should not have to deal with her family is way out of line when he's already made it clear that he has and does provide for them. What he seems unhappy about is the fact that it's all a one way street. Maybe the reason your married female friends are unhappy is not the fault of their husbands at all but due to them having an inflated sense of entitlement.
Click to expand...
 
LonelySutton said:
almosthitbottom said:
But, as I have found out, a relationship - even a marriage - does not guarantee an escape from loneliness. It feels like my wife is cheating on me but not with another man. Instead, it's with her birth family.
Click to expand...

Many many many of my female friends are just miserable in their marriages. I often do feel lucky that I didn't get married. You can be lonely even in a marriage but, with all due respect, you are the reason that all my female friends are miserable. Their husbands seem to think that they should be special and not have to deal with unpleasant things or support their wives and just get the affection (and sex) that was "promised" in their choice to marry. The wives run around exhausted all day (kids, work, elders, pets) tending to the reality that the husband doesn't help with much of anything and then hubbie is mad and upset they aren't in the mood for sex or date night.

I didn't marry for this. I feel almost as horrible as I did when I was single & wanting to connect with a woman. Now I wonder if this is the life I am stuck with.
Click to expand...

Exhibit A. You did marry for this. That is why your wife's parents refer to you as their "SON-IN-LAW" - your their son now. Your supposed to be there in good times and in bad for your wife and them. You are family.

She is always saying how she has 'so much to do' - most of it surrounding her family - and expects me to help her constantly.
Click to expand...

Exhibit B. That is why women get married... for assistance. By and large they can live pretty well on their own otherwise.

His father is the biggest pain in the ass, but it's his family, and he only has so much time left with him.
Click to expand...

See, this is the right response. You need an attitude adjustment or a divorce. It is downright shocking and annoying to me to have you say she is willing to put him in a home in the spring and you apparently can't wait that long.
Click to expand...


LonelySutton, with all due respect to you & your views, I find it annoying and shocking that her family (and, it appears, you as well) think that I should sacrifice myself for the benefit of her family. I have been doing nothing but help this family for the last 5 years and each year, the demands have grown. Her father and his needs have nearly cost me a career and my health yet my wife remains focused on her birth family. I resent your reply stating I need an 'attitude adjustment' when I have done nothing BUT help my wife's family for the last 5 years. Paraiyar correctly points out that my wife has expected me to give up my interests for her family, so how is that fair?

Seeing as you think I believe myself to be 'special', I should tell you that I am often helping my stepdaughter with schoolwork, taking her to school, activities, etc., as well as driving her dad to the lab, Dr, etc, and sometimes doing that for her mother as well. I also help my wife with typing things for her work (she teaches university) because I believe in helping her with that as she is computer illiterate (her words).I am not one to sit around and expect to be waited on. My brother in law also should be able to support himself now, as we have been supporting him directly & indirectly for 5 years. So don't you tell me I am the one who is the problem here, when this is turning into a 1 way street, like Paraiyar said.
 
Hi,
I think Paraiyar is right - from what you've told us, it sounds like a one-way relationship weighted heavily to your wife's benefit. Not quite the partnership that many envision marriages should be.
I was married for 11 years through my 20s and that was one big point of resentment for me - it was also a one-way relationship.
There are a few layers to your issues - the only advice I can think of is to look into counseling with your wife if you're hoping to save your marriage. If she won't go, you might want to consider going yourself so you can figure out what to do.

Welcome to the forum, by the way!

-Teresa
 
Hi almosthitbottom, welcome to the forum.

SofiasMami said:
I think Paraiyar is right - from what you've told us, it sounds like a one-way relationship weighted heavily to your wife's benefit. Not quite the partnership that many envision marriages should be.
Click to expand...

I gotta say I agree with Paraiyar and Teresa here. I'm sorry you're unhappy / lonely in your current marriage.

I always believe that in a relationship, both parties should give and take and compromise. Each should be able to be selfish and selfless at different times in their lives together. In your situation, it looks to me, by your descriptions that you are giving more than taking anything back. I'm not even saying you need to take something back, but just acknowledgement, consideration and concern from your wife would be reasonable enough to take away from a relationship, especially a marriage.

Seems to me that she might consider your needs and feelings but doesn't care enough to do anything to compromise for a situation where you could at least be content with something.

Though I can understand her position of having to care for family members, I still think that it's possible to work something out. Yes, I think it's good she cares for her family and wants to help out and asks you to help and keep you involved, but you both are married .. I think she should also take care of you and your needs too.

Not sure if there really is a solution I could think of, aside from sitting her down and having a heart-to-heart talk about the entire situation and how you feel as well as how things should improve. But you already said above that she will not hear it. What if you invite your wife to see a marriage counsellor or someone you both can talk to in order to help with this problem? (I am not sure how marriage counsellors work and if they are any help at all but just throwing it out there.)
 
I think your wife is overwhelmed. She has "caretaker " syndrome, where she seems to feel like she is responsible for everyone's needs from her dad, mom, brother, brother's kids, etc. Unfortunately, you are put on the back burner because you are not needy and aren't making demands on her.
At this point, I would recommend you have a sit down, heart to heart talk with her. And, you need to tell her that "I need you too". We are supposed to be in this life together. Maybe her ailing parents need care, so maybe it is time them to move into assisted living or something like that. And, her dad is 92, she needs to come to grips that he is at the end of his life, there is a cycle to life and nobody lives forever. I suspect your 12 yr old daughter isn't getting much from mom either.
I think a big mistake on your part was getting married and not establishing your own home apart from her parents. At times, it can make sense to live with parents, but that is a very complex relationship and some people cannot then give their marriage the proper attention.
There must have been a point where you had a good relationship before this took over. I think you really need to seek some counseling together. Call a Pastor or find a local counselor. It might help her work through some of her caretaker issues as well as working on her marriage. If she wont' go, then i think you should go yourself.
In the meantime, take out your daugther for some fun, to the movies, out to eat, etc. She will appreciate the attention.
 
almosthitbottom said:
I find it annoying and shocking that her family (and, it appears, you as well) think that I should sacrifice myself for the benefit of her family.
Click to expand...

I do think that. It is a temporary (5 to 10 years) sacrificing situation and an all consuming situation for her. It is her family. Not the PTA. When I had elderly parents I had no chance at "interests". It was one emergency after another and all consuming. But you do for family. It isn't like she is sitting on her recliner eating bon bons while you do the work. She is working over there 4 hours a day.

Her family is YOUR family. That is why one gets married, not just dating. You are a son in law. If you don't want that... tell her. But I do think you are selfish and should suck it up if you really loved your wife.
 
I don't think you're being selfish from what you're actually saying, if true. It's not selfish to simply ask for some time together with your wife, or some time to yourself where you aren't serving someone else.
They might be family but that doesn't mean you need to serve them 24 hours a day, every day of every year until they die. You need time to yourself. It hurts no one to take a few hours every once in a while to have that space. Your wife should need that, too. And she should respect and in fact desire time to be with you.

If she doesn't respect that at all, and you cannot convince her, then maybe it is time to move on and find someone else who can love you like you want them to. But the question is whether or not you have actually tried everything to have her understand this? Does she never want time away from caring for her family members? Usually that is a very hard job and people want some space to relax.
Why did she marry you if she doesn't want to spend time with you? Did she marry you because she loves you, or to have someone to help her with taking care of her family members?
Have you sat down and tried to discuss these things with her and ask her these questions? If not, that is a good place to start. If you have, then what did she say? Are her reasons justifiable to you?

The thing about dates or movies being 'mean' to her mother sets off a few red flags, to me. Personally I would not accept that and I do not think it is justifiable. But that is just my opinion. I'm sure her mother would understand her daughter wanting to enjoy herself occasional, would she not? If not, then it sounds like perhaps her mother doesn't deserve such a daughter, anyway.

It is perhaps understandable why she would want to spend a large part of her time taking care of her parents. They did, after all, take care of her growing up and it is only fair that someone they took care of be there for them when they cannot care for themselves. But not all her time. And not spending so much time with her brother. Why can he not take care of himself? And if he can't take care of himself then why should she have to? Sometimes you do need help in life, but if she is spending a lot of time on an adult who should be able to take care of himself then she is wasting her time. I know well enough about that as I've got a brother who is the same way. Does he have a disability of some sort, or is he just lazy and stupid? Again, get answers from her about the questions you have and ask yourself whether her reasons are justifiable or not. If she can not provide you with sound reasoning then perhaps you are better off without her.
But if you're ignoring reasons which are justifiable, then you are being selfish. And you're allowed to be selfish if you want. It is your life after all.
So if you're truly not happy with her and do not see yourself being happy with her, then this has nothing to do with her. It is about you and what you want. So if that is the case then you cannot blame her and just need to face the fact that you may just be a little selfish. Then decide what you really want and if that selfishness is worth the price.
 
Lonely in a marriage, still early on, only about 3 three years. It was fine in the beginning before we dated, all the effort we both put in, the so called magic, then our fantasy wedding in Turks nd Caicos beach wedding. then everything ended. went completely basically dead. I mean nothing. no wooing, no effort on his part to talk about feelings or share what is on his mind or try to reciprocate or find out what is on mind. if I try it seems to push him away more. we now sleep in separate areas, do not kiss, snuggle, touch each other, converse, he basically ignores me when I talk because he is so into his work. I at first thought I found my sou mate, it was a cruel joke. then I found out it was his M.O. with other girls. Also he is currently doing this with other girls. I asked him about it and he said he is actively pursuing other girls if I want to define it that way, or flirting with them, because he likes the attention. I said are you leading them on, do they think you are trying to form it into a relationship, he said I don't know, it is just a game right now. I read some emails he wrote to other women, he was pursuing me and three other women at the same time, they just rejected him and he then just had me. we had a very great beginning for 5 years. then we got married and it all faded into nothing. I cannot talk to him about anything. I also have no family support on anything, especially him because they think he is just so great. I feel so alone. I jus wish I can find that person, who silently I can see a reflection of my pain, I have other issues as well, see a reflection of pain in their eyes and share a moment of true understanding without saying a word. Things keep getting worse, I was hospitalized for depression and other issues and we seemed to grow apart even more. he says he goes to point A then I find out he goes to point b, with someone else, usually with another women, a co-worker he sys he flirts with. I cannot talk to anyone. and I have trouble making friends. my other friends left me for my issues I had trouble with because ?I rejected an intervention for depression to get hospitalized and took off. I just got out of the hospital and he is supposed to watching me before I get transferred to another facility, but he took off, I suspect on another date. I need someone to trust, to sometimes wants to break free and just say fresia it and take off and go somewhere maybe cross country or somewhere. no one understands me and usually are afraid of me because of the stigmas. I get a little wild with mania and become unstoppable. then I have another side of darkness. but that's because I am all alone with no one trying to help to understand me just lock me up. no one tries. my married life is so unsatisfactory, we don't even sleep together in the same bed, or have sex, if we do it is just him pleasing himself then he walks away. I need him to think and care about me. I guess he is tired and worn down from all my illness. I had 10 surgeries since we met, and two psych hospitalization. but he has schizophrenia, I thought he would understand. I am very alone. today, I got out of a facility, he left me on the street for five hours in the cold because he was waiting for a phone call, on his cell, really? on his cell? what would he miss? I was left on the street like a vagrant. he said it wasn't that bad. I taught him who he is now, he was lost and I re-created him. now he is rejecting me and I am preparing to be abandoned. I lost all my disability, my apartment, my insurance, mostly everything that I had that made me independent so he could tweak things to get a job. now I haven nothing to my name and he has a secret saving I found out about, everything is a secret with him. is he preparing to divorce me and leave me with nothing? I don't know what to do. I need to connect with someone to talk to, to guide me, to help relieve my anxiety and help me get back on track. I am in a lonely life. I have no support, no friend's because he chased them away because they saw he was trouble and he started fights with them, and they gave up and ditched me. I don't know what to do any advice? I ask him all the time by showing pictures, and say oh these were the good times when you loved me right? he doesn't say anything or correct me. I say you used to care abut me but now but now it is all resentment and hate right? you're giving up, there's nothing left? he doesn't even respond because he is too busy ignoring me. I ask if he hears me and I get no response. I need help. should I try to repair this to what we once used to have or should I give up? is this dead and not worth trying for? I have no other support, or anywhere else I could go. I dream of a day when I can find that one true savior when I can feel respected, loved, happy, and rescued. I want to see it in the others eyes without saying a word. see all our emotions and love without speaking. then embrace and feel the warmth like I feel like I am comforted like I am home. I want to feel excited again, go to new places, travel, learn new things, learn to connect to a persons soul and never hurt them or let go. I want to fly all I need is to be lead to the edge hand in hand, together and have them take me there.
 

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