Being around others

Being around other people can make me feel worse. Since I have severe low self esteem and see myself as worthless, it can feel like everyone else is better or superior to me. It gets so bad that I leave jobs or don't want to be around people. I also feel like nobody likes me or wants to be my friend, that I am unwanted, shunned, or ostracized, which in turn makes me more cynical and angry, like I should not be here; it can be a vicious cycle.

Have you ever just walked around a busy store or shopping mall
The toughest part of the holidays for me is the alone time
I find even being around strangers ..people watching ... helps

It seems you need a good healthy doze of "I don't give a fresia" in your veins. Also you should change your response to "superior" people. You either have something to learn from them or they are just full of it and more pathetic than you can imagine. You think that 'cause you see them being social and smiling all the time they are better?
What makes you think you are worthless? Give a reason don't just throw that honeysuckle around.

lilE said:

I have severe low self esteem and see myself as worthless, ...

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This is what you need to fix. It wont be easy and it wont happen overnight.

Trying doing things that make you feel better about yourself. Start working out and get into shape. Buy some nice clothes. The more you feel better about yourself, what other people think about you (real or imagined) will bother you much less.

In my case I had a father batter my self esteem into ash, and I've only just now decided to try and fix the problem. If yourself selfesteem is wrecked because of the way someone has treated you in the past you have to make peace with yourself. Unfortunately people like us with low self-esteem tend to believe everything negative said about us, and none of the positive. You have to change that mindset. You have to be able to look in the mirror and like the person you see.

lilE said:

Being around other people can make me feel worse. Since I have severe low self esteem and see myself as worthless, it can feel like everyone else is better or superior to me. It gets so bad that I leave jobs or don't want to be around people. I also feel like nobody likes me or wants to be my friend, that I am unwanted, shunned, or ostracized, which in turn makes me more cynical and angry, like I should not be here; it can be a vicious cycle.

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You need to find the right job for you.
I hated working in an office or a large super market, the people were so rude to me. And then I started in a small shop, 3 or 4 people working at one time and they started to talk to me. People were kind. I had found my place.

I tend to feel much lonelier in a crowd than i ever do by myself. Being in huge crowds of people feels very disconnected. So, i rarely go to events with throngs of people.

Maybe you're introverted?

Yes, quite often I prefer to be alone for the reasons you describe.
Perhaps it is a way of protecting oneself?

Thanks for your replies everyone. I am glad some people could relate. Lonelyfairy- I would say that I am introverted. Lonesomeday- I would agree, it is a way of protecting yourself and staying in your comfort zone, though I am not sure that is what I need at this point.

I have the same problem around people, I'll become very awkward, I'll tend to be quiet and not say anything, become extremely nervous, become hyper- vigilant. Sometimes I can just barely fake it for 5 minutes and I feel like I'm dying inside before I rush away. I'm also schizophrenic, so sometimes I hear things, that I do not know if they are real or not, mostly derogatory towards myself i.e. at work she's so stupid she cannot insert the array into the LC right or pipette the (chemical X) to form the agent, and I fear they are all against me saying honeysuckle all day about making me feel worse, Sometimes I think it is true because it is in the same room and I distinctly hear it, but imagine all day every day, stuck in a vicious circle of hearing people say honeysuckle about you or plot against you and think they're going threw your honeysuckle. it happenes everywhere I go, then hearing your fat, ugly, make fun of my clothes, my hair, (and I was a model when I was younger) maybe a little bit heavier but not much, but I think I hate myself so much, even my mind is attacking myself. Plus I have a traumatic past, with various situations of abuse, PTSD, borderline PD, I was attacked by my fiancé while pregnant because I was scared and young, only 20 years old and I was cross country by myself for modeling and expanding my business/spa by going to massage school, I was stabbed and beaten almost to death and lost the child. Besides childhood abuse by both parents, father was the worst, he even beat us up at what was supposed to be the happiest place on earth, Disney land, he broke my arm, I was 14 and very naïve, my friend set me up with her rapist because she was jealous of me and my life. I was doing well, family was well off, I was smart, she was into drugs, I was pretty and starting to boom into popularity and she wasn't. she set me up with this 24 year old, who I thought was 18, who I first thought was going to teach me to box. our school was very tough, fights all the time, and /I was always either starting them om or ending them. He then ripped all the phone cords out of the wall and held a knife to me, and cut himself until I undressed and he tied me up with them, he then proceeded to inject me with heroin, then threw me on a dirty mattress he kept down there and did the deed. the problem was he kept me there and kept getting me high so that I would get addicted. so then when he would come to my school, if I didn't willingly get into his car, he would follow my bus home. but I needed the drugs so I would eventually break down and go and it would happen all over. it happened for months. then around x-mas I sought help and went to rehab. he freaked out because he thought he was going to prison for raping a minor. he would call non-stop. I just told him if he doesn't leave me alone, I will seriously kill him. he even had the nerve to ask if I bought him an xmas gift. he kept stalking me, and I was always afraid he was going to kill me. Someone in school found out and spread it around school, and people made fun of me for it. someone bot came up to me and said something along the lines of mocking it and then I'm going to rape you. then I found out where he was after school, pulled up in a tinted windowed cadilac with my older bro and his friend, and my two friends and beat the honeysuckle out of him.
even though we are all messed up in our own little ways, we have to keep going. I also have had so many surgeries, I am ten years behind in school. I am just now graduating with my BA when I should have my Ph.d and beyond. but I have a great scholarship right now I wouldn't of had before, and have much better opportunities, school wise.

give yourself credit for each and every little win and achievement. and don't obsess over each little mistake. celebrate the wins. I am saying this even though I just got out of a mental institution yesterday for trying to kill myself. I am 35, some things are just too much too bear. I fear I have lost my path.
first, I am an RA in neuroscience in Rutgers Brain Health Int. and have a scholarship that chose 2 out of about 30,000 or more. so that is a huge accomplishment. but I was pushed into it..it isn't my passion. I like psychology and the research, but I could care less about the actual workings of specific parts of the brain, and the sounds of neurons and synapses, and **** stop task signal.
Lately I have felt I lost my fire, my light, my drive. I found my husband who I thought ws my soulmate cheating on me. it crushed me. I'm 35, but look 26, but I don't want to start all over. it seems so exhausting. also I am so far gone emotionally, and worn out from all the crap I had to deal with and hide from everyone. now it is in the open and it is worse. I should have suffered in silence. I was more at peace, and could be on my own instead of getting locked up or watched all the time.
I find my peace in music though, and writing. lyrics, beat and melody make my soul happy. and guitar. but that cannot be all that I live for. plus I have no one to talk to. no one on my level who understands me or who can relate to my pain, even somewhat, and make me feel safe, and happy. I want to look into their eyes and see their pain without speaking, and truly bond as we walk to each other, see the light in their eyes as they see what I see, a potential for a match and understanding and happiness and truth and freedom. no more hiding. he or she will set me free. but for now I will go on in my misery, misunderstood, misguided and lost in this thing called a life.

lilE said:

Lonesomeday- I would agree, it is a way of protecting yourself and staying in your comfort zone, though I am not sure that is what I need at this point.

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I understand.

Perhaps it is a question of how much time you spend around other people?

A little and often might be the thing to aim for - that's what I intend to do this year anyway - having experienced most, if not all, of what you're going through.

Yea, i think I have to try and slowly integrate myself with people, with society. I always have a hard time maintaining long lasting friendships, mostly because I don't have the opportunity to meet people. I believe though, that in order for me to successfully be social and have relationships i have to change myself first. I have to raise my self worth and self esteem and somehow become stronger, and minimize, if not eradicate my depression and anxiety, though isn't that what we all want....

Are there any support groups near where you live for people with depression and anxiety? If so, you might find it helpful to join. It could be a stepping stone to doing more later on when you feel a bit better about yourself. I remember from other threads that you live with your mum or that you are close to her. Does she go out anywhere socially, a church or something, as maybe you could go with her.

There is one support group, if my school schedule allows, I might check it out. My mother and I do go out a lot, to do errands, eat out, or she gives me rides.

I hope that your school schedule lets you go to the group and that you find it really helpful.
When I said about going out with your mum, I was thinking more along the lines of somewhere where you could both meet people on a social level. Doing errands, eating out etc doesn't really bring you into contact with people where there is a chance to talk and get to know them.

lilE said:

Being around other people can make me feel worse. Since I have severe low self esteem and see myself as worthless, it can feel like everyone else is better or superior to me. It gets so bad that I leave jobs or don't want to be around people. I also feel like nobody likes me or wants to be my friend, that I am unwanted, shunned, or ostracized, which in turn makes me more cynical and angry, like I should not be here; it can be a vicious cycle.

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Start with some small brain hack - smile. Just smile to other people. Smile to sun. Smile to the dog in a park. Don't feel like jerk just because smile. (I had a bad feeling when I started to smile years ago.) Smile regardless other people response.

It seems people just generally don't want to be my friend or talk to me. People do not want to hang out with me or be anywhere near me.

I can say to you that people see in you what you see in yourself ,if you are confident people will love you but if you are self esteem and angry etc people tend to avoid negative people ,also you can try this review article who helped me the most show me how to change my thinking and develop new paradigms of huge confidence ,overcome shyness at *link removed* In one work you msut see yourself and think about you as you want to be in the past i was making the mistake and i was focusing on thoughts that i am shy ,dificult etc .Just by changing your focus thoughts you can change your life ,good luck to you

It is a vicious cycle, depression cannot be turned on and off with a switch. I get hypomanic sometimes and think I am the honeysuckle and and just go out feeling fabulous. I even think I can get a girls number. But it never works, even when i feel good. So i am the only one seeing myself in that way, as the man, as charming, as witty, while no one else sees it but me, and that's on a good day. But I suffer from severe depression which destroys me and I can't just flip the switch and be a different person.

No matter how confident or self conscious you are people always have those voices that creep up from the darkest parts of your mind. Being confident is being able to silence them. Thinking people are better than you or thinking people dont want to be around you doesn't just happen over night. It was either told to you such as "you're stupid" etc or people made you feel that way and over time you believed it. Theres a simple fact in life that there are many people out there that are better than you. But the samething can be said about you. No matter how low you feel there was a point in time that someone looked at you and said I wish I was think person. Or wished they could do something that you did that they couldn't. Rather you believe or not. They say the grass is always greener on the other side but really its only greener where we water it. We only see the things we want to we only see the things on the surfaces. You see the beautiful woman dress sharply and the smile painted on her face. You curse her slightly but you dont see the bruises under her shirt from the husband that beats her daily. You dont notice the man dying of cancer that holds the door open for you. These people dont hate you. They dont believe there better than you they dont even know you exist just as you dont know they exist other than the own thoughts you put in your head about them.