My Life is ruined. Is it worth trying to find the pieces

Im living off of 2 small pieces of frozen chicken a day. I've lost 25 pounds in 2 months. This guy I know said hes worried about how thin I've gotten. My pants are falling off. The other day I thought there was a hole in my stomach. It was just really sunk in and it scared me.

I can barely support myself. I cant get a job. I went in for an interview today and it felt like I was being interrogated for committing a murder. The guy didnt care for me at all. I let myself be vulnerable and as usual I got nothing in return. I called my sister to tell her I didnt get the job and she told me how stupid I was for handling it wrong and that I should have listened to her and applied for a different job. No sympathy just hate. I called another sister of mine and she said 'how many times do I got to repeat myself' when I was on the verge of tears on the phone. I just hung up. Then she texted me and said I was unthankful.

30 years old, never had a girlfriend, and no close friends. I keep getting this stupid thought in my mind that if a woman loved me suddenly I would have self worth and everything would be OK. Maybe its just a silly thing I dream about to keep me going.

All my life I've just been a big punching bag for people. I guess they know I want lash out back at them, so they treat me like garbage. Even my own family. I dont know if its intentional. Maybe they're just taking their frustrations out on me.

For my whole life until I moved out in my 20s I was constantly verbally abused by my father and siblings. Everyday I was told how worthless I was. How I would should never get married as I would ruin someone else's life. Every mistake no matter how small was put under a microscope and criticized.

I feel ashamed that recently I've started to get very angry and wanted to break things to let out my frustration. It makes me feel so bad. Like Im a bad person for having these thoughts. It seems lately I cry almost every day. I feel like a little girl. Its humiliating.

I keep trying to put up this front that Im a happy and confident person. But its as strong as a balloon. Its always popped so easily. Everytime I think I've turned the corner I always crash back down to reality. I try my best to be a good person who loves people, but its gotten me nothing or nowhere in life. Its just painted a big target on my back.

Most people at 30 have their own family and are happy. At 30 I just realized I failed at life. Nothing I've done worked. My life is ruined. I cant find decent work, women dont care for me. I really dont know what to say. Except that my father was right. I really am a screwup. The thing is, once you realize that, what do you do next? I feel like Im just existing. I wish I could go to sleep for the next 5 years. And then wakeup and maybe things would change. Probably not.

If you try and put the pieces back together, where do you begin? I cant even imagine the extent of damage to me on the inside. The temptation to just slip into a deep depression seems very attractive right now. Something is resisting my thoughts about just giving up. I wish it would give in.

Why are you living off only 2 small pieces of frozen chicken a day? If you want to put the pieces back together, taking care of your most basic needs like hunger and nourishment might be a start.
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a bad time right now. I hope things get better for you. Stick around and keep us updated on how you're doing.

-Teresa

I often feel the way you do, I am almost your age and feel like I messed up a lot and wonder if I can ever possibly do better than "just okay" anymore in any category of life, be it money, interests, or girlfriends. I've never had a good job and I've never had so much as a date myself. I know how that feels.

I agree with SofiasMami. You need to eat more so you can think clearly. That's your top priority since you won't be able to do much until you do.

Once you are nourished, you'll be able to come up with some sort of plan to attack your problems. When you think of all your problems at once it feels overwhelming so break down your problems one by one.

Is there anyone at all you can stay with so you can eat more?

I agree with the others that you need to eat more. Make this your immediate priority. Until your physical health is ok again, you won't be able to sort out your other problems.
Your family are clearly very unsupportive, putting you down so much instead of building you up confidence wise and giving you empathy and encouragement. Maybe you should limit contact with them until you are in a better place in your life as it isn't good for you to be told you are worthless and to be criticised all the time. I will confess here that I had a friend similar to your family in that if something happened in my life and I needed support and understanding, I would tell her about it and she would put me down and find fault. Yet, although I knew she would do this, I still reached out to her. It was as if I was punishing myself by reaching out to someone who would put me down-it sounds like you are doing the same thing.

Apply for help, there has to be some kind of program that helps people in your situation out (there definitely is if you live in America, but I don't know where you are). There should be help for both food and jobs and housing if you need it.

As for the friends and girlfriends part, stop focusing on that right now and get yourself healthy first. Get yourself stable.

If your family is that horrible, stop contacting them.

Try to find help somewhere. It took "help" from your family to crush your self esteem this way, so you'll need help to get things back to normal.

You can start by finding an appropriate help line, and calling them.

I'll echo some of the previous comments and urge you to start with better nutrition....about half of your calories should come from carbohydrates and you can approximately split the rest of your calories between protein and fats. Eat fruits and vegetables! And take vitamins. Get enough sleep.

You need to have those basic physical needs taken care of better before you'll be fit enough for job interviews and meeting ladies.

I'd like to hear from you on this forum again.

The only way to improve your situation, michael, is to start taking care of yourself properly first. When you are properly nutritioned, you will be able to feel better mentally, physically and emotionally. Trust me... I know it makes a huge difference being well-nutritioned and malnutritioned. It is very important.

Another thing is to ensure you get sufficient sleep. It also helps a lot mentally and physically. Not to mention you have got to believe in yourself. It may seem really hard to do that, but believe in yourself that you will get through this. Tell yourself that you'll get a job with time but that means you can't give up searching or applying. Make these your priorities and focus on them first. Once you get them all settled, only then I think you'd feel more confident in a lot of situations (assuming you'd have gotten a job by then.)

Here's wishing you all the best and hope that things will work out for you. Take care.

In my opinion, there is a point in everyone's life where we realize that all of our pieces do not fit together to create the image we were expecting to create.
So at that point in time we can do one of two things. We can either continue to try to fit the pieces together until we die, or we can throw the entire thing away and realize there is more to life than simply the picture we were trying to create. That it was never a puzzle to begin with.

What I mean is that you're asking where to begin putting things back together, but it isn't really about that. The picture never existed in the first place. The pieces were never real either. We create these things as a product of our attempts to understand our world and our own life and position in it. But as we mature we begin to realize that we do not need these things. That they are merely a crutch when we are able to walk. That we've merely to this day followed paths we believed to be there that lead to nowhere and to nothing, because they were never really paths to begin with.

It is that day we have the ability to make our choice and to realize what life truly is about.
That we have only to realize is that life is an adventure, and we have yet to ever truly make the first step. That paths do not exist because we have yet to create any. That the pictures we want to create have yet to be created because we have yet to paint them, because even the paintbrush itself does not yet exist. But the paint comes from within and the world is our canvas. Our lives are not puzzles to be put together, they are blank slates.

You must let go of your past, your fears, and your worries. Then you have only to realize that you can start anywhere you want because it is your life and your decision. That you can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do because you have yet to make those decisions. And let nothing get in the way of you making those decisions for yourself.
The more you let in, the less you decide. The less you decide, the more frustrated you will be.

I'm going to say what everyone else is saying. You need to focus on you and getting healthy. If you can't afford food, go to the food pantries in your area. If you don't know how to find them, PM me, tell me where you live and I will google them for you. Also, many churches serve meals everynight, you just havet o know where to look.

Don't worry about not having a GF at this point in your life. Life never turns out the way we "plan it or think it will". I'm 38, unmarried and no kids... Thought life would be different at this point for me, but it is what it is. Learn to be happy with you.

Don't give up on looking for a job. Work in as a waiter... (free food) , grocery store, convience store, a job is a job, it doesn't matter what you do.

It sounds like your family hasn't been very good to you. I would give myself a break from contacting them for a while.... but if you love them, and feel "family is family", then don't allow them to make you feel like you are "less than".

I'm sorry that you are going through a rough patch right now. If you look, you will find the small steps it takes to get back onto your feet. But please, start with food.
((hug))

If you seek help, don't worry about them judging you or being mean to you. Those people either are paid to help you or volunteer because they enjoy it.

You should also see if you can find some employment agency that helps people find work, hopefully you have some free ones in your area that can help with resume, interview skills. Don't feel embarrased if you feel your resume, yours interview skills or even just yourself as a person wouldn't be good. All the people they deal with don't have great skills at first, if they did they wouldn't need help.

Don't worry, things will get better, there are many people who enjoy helping others and are glad when people seek it.

Try to take care about somebody else. And don't expect they will start to care about you.
Like to do voluntary work in a retirement home. Don't expect they will care about you and they will (may be) do.

Diet and Exercise are the key. Get to looking better and then you will feel better. Get to feeling better and your self-esteem will skyrocket. Then you will be unstoppable.

Its all self-discipline. The only difference between guys like us..and say a Navy SEAL is that they have the total self discipline to do whatever it takes to accomplish their goals.

pick some goals. Write em down. Then figure out what it will take to obtain them. Want a girl friend? Find out what women like and become that person. Ask ladies here on this site.