Am I Turning Down A Good Opportunity?

I used to be a regular user of a particular dating site. I'd get a date with someone, it'd last for a little while, and then it'd fizzle out, and I'd try again. Or, the coffee date would happen, and there would be no connection, and I'd have to start back at square one. This cycle repeated itself for a while until I got fed up with the search.

Lately, I have stopped searching. Partly out of frustration, but also because I am not in the best mental and physical shape. Depression has made me drop a ton of weight so that my friends are getting concerned. I eat, but just not enough to maintain my proper weight, and so I'm at a weight I haven't been at since I was a rail-thin teenager. (Trust me. I'm working on it.) Plus, I'm between jobs, and I'm getting no call-backs yet, and it's adding to the depression. So, I would not be putting my best foot forward right now if I decided to date. I need to stabilize my life first, and I don't think I could be a proper partner in any relationship.

Anyway, even though I don't use these sites anymore, I haven't deleted them. Not sure why, but as I work on myself and try to get my mind and my body improved, I got an email the other day from one of the dating sites.

Someone sent me a message.

Now normally, this would cause me to get all excited, but 99 times out of 100, it's from someone I immediately dismiss for one reason or another. Either I see glaring incompatibilities, or the profile is from Russia or China, or I have no sudden spark of interest when I go through the profile. This time, I knew I wasn't going to respond, but I wanted to see who messaged me and what she looked like.

I was shocked. This was someone I found to be rather attractive, which was a surprise. She didn't have a bunch of professional model-posed pics like all the fake profiles I've seen before. She didn't write in broken-English. She quoted some of my profile, and mentioned two things that you'd only know about me if you actually read my profile AND saw my photos. Definitely not a form letter. I scanned her profile text: Active, fit, happy (although that's impossible to determine from photos,) a mother, a traveler, and a really well-rounded list of interests.

She mentioned that my profile has a note where I said I'm not looking for a "relationship thing" right now (which is correct,) so she asked me if I was interested in a "friends thing" instead.

I think my mouth hung open when I read that because I hadn't received an email like that before. I'd never been emailed by someone that I found attractive, and who had a profile that didn't have any red flags.

Anyway, so began my internal tug-of-war, where one part of me said, "Go for it, dude. She's willing to try friendship. What's the problem with that?" While the other side of me ran through all the reasons that I wasn't fit to be in a relationship right now. I'm not mentally ready for it, not physically ready for it, and not sure she'd even want me as I look right now because the guy in the photos is at least 30 pounds heavier, and more healthy looking.

I imagine some might say I'm throwing away a good opportunity if I let this one pass me by, but would you jump into a situation if you felt you weren't ready for it? It's like running a marathon without training for it, or holding a golf club for the very first time and expecting to hit the ball solidly down the fairway despite no lessons or prior experience. That's kinda how I feel now.

Or, maybe this can be my motivation. Maybe I can email her back, and in the time I spend emailing her, I can get my act together, eat properly and reach my correct weight, and work really hard to find a good job, just to keep me thinking positive. Maybe what I should do is "Act As If," meaning act as if I already am healthy, and worry less about what anyone thinks.

I dunno. Any thoughts? Do you have an experience that is similar? Would YOU respond to a dating site email when you didn't feel your best and kinda felt vulnerable? Thanks.

If you don't do it you will be left with that 'what could have been?' feeling and it will eat away at you. Do you really want that?

Case said:

Anyway, so began my internal tug-of-war, where one part of me said, "Go for it, dude. She's willing to try friendship. What's the problem with that?" While the other side of me ran through all the reasons that I wasn't fit to be in a relationship right now. I'm not mentally ready for it, not physically ready for it, and not sure she'd even want me as I look right now because the guy in the photos is at least 30 pounds heavier, and more healthy looking.

Or, maybe this can be my motivation. Maybe I can email her back, and in the time I spend emailing her, I can get my act together, eat properly and reach my correct weight, and work really hard to find a good job, just to keep me thinking positive. Maybe what I should do is "Act As If," meaning act as if I already am healthy, and worry less about what anyone thinks.

I dunno. Any thoughts? Do you have an experience that is similar? Would YOU respond to a dating site email when you didn't feel your best and kinda felt vulnerable? Thanks.

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I suppose I'm far from eligible to answer here, lack of experience and all, but I'm gonna say: Play it cool and just do it. If she says she's willing to try friendship, you shouldn't have to worry that much about your physical appearance or else (yet) as long as you have your honeysuckle together so to say. Say you were pleasantly surprised by her message since you haven't been on the site for a while and if you are confident, you might mention your photos are a bit outdated - wrap it up nicely, but straightforward. Cause when you say you wanna "act as if" you might just put pressure on yourself instead of merely motivating yourself to improve. Besides the fact that the will to change should come from within. You say you didn't notice any red flags, so maybe honesty with a bit of wit thrown in could do the trick. If she's interested in you as a person and not superficial, I think her reaction is gonna tell you everything you need to know. All bets are off. In any case, it will be better than letting it slip by.

I say go for it

If you dont you wont have any connection
Worse case scenario if you you try ...you dont have a connection

As someone who used to never go for it that has a ton of "what its" floating around in his head that used to drag me down, I say go for it. You may just make a great friend out of it. The fact that you asked here makes me think that in the back of your mind, you probably want to.

write back because if you don't you may regret it

Remember you can approach this in any way you like. Casual, serious.. etc

Find the right way according to your current situation, and approach her that way.

Go for it.

Don't pin too much on it. Don't imagine it will lead to romance (the biggest problem with a lot of people on dating sites). Just go with the intention of having a good time. Being happy with her, making her happy and just positive vibes. Don't put anything down to instant connections or anything like that.

Just relax, be calm, confident and look to have a good time.

Wish you well.

Sounds like gold to be honest.

Hmm, I would play the honesty route though. Perhaps say that you're not in the best place at the moment, but you'd be happy to go for a 'friends thing' like she said. At least, that sounds to me like the right thing to do. I'm not exactly an expert though.

ThatZealousOne said:

Sounds like gold to be honest.

Hmm, I would play the honesty route though. Perhaps say that you're not in the best place at the moment, but you'd be happy to go for a 'friends thing' like she said. At least, that sounds to me like the right thing to do. I'm not exactly an expert though.

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^ This.

A lot of people here seem to be pinning meeting down to what it could mean.

Just meet and go with it. Forget whether you want a relationship, friends or a sex partner. Just concentrate on getting to know her.
Don't put pressure on yourself to approach it as a friend, potential partner. Just go in neutral and get to know her!