Where is the line between depression and withdrawal

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LonelySutton

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So since about 2014 I have been withdrawing from *friends* and associates. To me, it seems clear, the people who I have withdrawn from were not, friends in the way I expected. Several long term friends, I felt, betrayed me at my job. One went behind my back and got a job that I was hoping to get and when I found out that she did that and kept it from me she told me she was asked to keep it quiet by the person who selected her. The other person in that group I dropped because she supported this mutual friend and said the friend was in a hard position but I find this excuse to strain credulity so I stopped dealing with someone who was willing to be my friend if someone better wasn't involved.

Later I had been involved in my condo association but I found once I started disagreeing with them they were not my friends and so, since they had no quams about asking me to do all the work, I got out of that to avoid the work.

Recently I stopped talking to someone who probably is going to die of cancer. After giving up two personal leave days (we can give our leave to others in the work group) though she doesn't work with me... she came back to work form Chemo and was downright rude. I guess I understand she is scared but I started questioning if I was her friend. I did not visit her in the hospital and didn't think I was THAT good of a friend and she had to cite to this other friend visiting her and bringing her lasagna... during the entire conversation we had...I took that as a hint. Anyway, dropped.

Now I am considering dropping one of my long term message boards. These people have been my friends for years, YEARS. But I am tired of hearing from them and they probably are tired of hearing from me. Almost everything they say annoys me and far too often they rush to respond to someone who comes into the group for the express purpose of dumping their worries and then leaves but don't respond to my posts. I just am not getting anything out of it anymore.

And, to be frank, I am wondering if it isn't time to completely cut off my phone and most of my internet things. It is just that I feel like I was happier and more centered when I had a flip phone and no apps to call to me all day. I was happier when I only caught the weather once per day. Didn't have access to weather / news hysterics all day long. I remember I got the phone in the first place to thwart my abusive boss that used to send me e-mails late in the afternoon so I couldn't leave... (or if I did I would get caught) and I figured out if I had the phone i could respond from the phone and he would be none the wiser. Now I have a boss that does NOT care if I am in.

But then I think, isn't like the first sign of depression withdrawing? Can't do even a single google search without finding this as the first thing that comes up. Am I depressed and I don't know it? How do you know?

But then I think, but I won't be withdrawing completely. I still have to go to work and interact with people all day long. It isn't like I will be up in my bedroom listening to sad music.

I just don't want to be around people that don't appreciate me anymore period. That is kind of how I feel this is going.
 
If you have to ask, you probably are experiencing depression and given the conduct of your friends and associates, being a bit depressed seems kind of normal.

You deserve better, try and find some new social contacts and be selective about whom you form ties with. Being a social isolate, only knowing people from work could be a slow decline.
 
From what I know, withdrawing from friends and/or family is generally looked upon as a sign of depression. Though it's understandable when people around you act disappointingly like constant stranger said.

I'm actually opposed to the idea that it's always a sign of depression since cutting people who do you no good out of your life is the most reasonable thing one can do. Surely putting up with all the honeysuckle people give you and accepting being unhappy with a situation can't be the healthy and natural thing to do. That would be nonsense. So as long as you don't adapt a "Everyone sucks ass" mindset you should be good to go. Just watch your own behavior.
 
I can understand how you feel. Frankly, you just get tired of being used by people. Most people are just superficial. I have found that people will befriend you to use you. Oh, they are so "glad" to see you, as long as you are useful to them. If you aren't, they couldn't care less. I am done being their lackey.
Then, there are the ones who like you as long as you are just parroting all of their opinions. But, once you voice your own opinion, then you are no longer useful them.
As for withdrawing, I think there is a difference between withdrawing and refocusing. If you are withdrawing to hide from society and not engaging yourself in the things you love, then I don't think that is helpful. But, if you are withdrawing to better spend your time and energy on things that really matter to you, then i think that is a good thing. That is what i did. I stopped doing a lot of activities which were simply me being used by others. No thanks. Instead, now i do the things that bring me joy, that bring my own family joy and spend my time doing those things. My life is much happier and better if i stay home and make a home cooked meal for Dh and the kids versus running around belonging to some club or happening where someone else is running their own agenda on me. Time to run MY agenda in my life.
 
I think the line you speak of is a question: 'Are the people in my life really worth the trouble?'

Not an easy question, I know, but sometimes being alone is the only rational choice if your peace of mind is at stake.
 
I can definitely see the value in cutting out those who only befriend you to use but is it also possible that in some of your friendships that you might be too unforgiving in your assessment of the other person? Friends are always going to disappoint you or do something you don't like at some point. I knew a girl who dropped people for good the minute she felt the slightest bit disrespected by them. Last I knew she didn't have many friends yet.

I'm not trying to say that this is necessarily you but it might be another part of the equation worth considering.
 
Many people - especially depressed people - want to see depression in everything people do, for some reason.
I've been accused of depression but I know full well it's not that at all, just a cruddy life and me being a loser.

I never got on board with the smartphone thing and all these apps kids talk about. I could just as well live with the same gadgets I had 15 or 20 years ago. A while back I learned that mp3 players were dying out, and here I was thinking that I was on the cutting edge with my very own iPod shuffle.
I dunno, doesn't seem like you need to cut your phone entirely, just ditch the clutter if it isn't doing anything for you. Then again I've not been able to kick internet gaming, even though I know it's a timesink and most of the people there openly laugh at me.
 
I do think we need to accept that some friends are situational friends. You may have friends you only see on certain occassions. Maybe it is your movies friend whom you only go to the movies with or some other activity. You can have peripheral friends whom you do activities with, etc who aren't best friends. There are different levels of friendships. And, yes, every human being on the planet will disappoint one another. If you are looking to never be disappointed, that isnt' going to happen.
 
Just got busted for unfriending someone on facebook. My friend, lets call her Amy, was my friend in the 90s. At that time I really felt she was my friend. I helped her out. She wanted to be a lawyer but couldn't get past the LSAT. I helped her out and she ended up graduating with honors from a top school. We lost touch at this point. On purpose. I think I just got tired of her. She is kind of like a vain Kardashian and I got tried of feeling like one of her groupies.

Foolishly a little later I found her on facebook. I was proud of her she started her own firm and had some bills passed due to a bad experience she had with yelp. However, I could no longer take her -- again. So vain she would start her days with videos of her putting on make up and going on about all her achievements. Me, me, me, me... and she fails to really notice how much others contribute to her success-- her family is loaded and a lot of her business is from family connections.

So I unfriended her. But she noticed and just messaged me. I am not going to respond. I don't know if this is withdrawal or depression but I don't feel like she is anything good for my life. I could be wrong because she has put her money where her mouth is in the past -- actually sending me gifts when I graduated from law school but enough.
 
LonelySutton said:
Just got busted for unfriending someone on facebook. [...]

I too, had that unpleasant experience not too long ago.

Last night I looked back on five years of correspondence (via Twitter), and I had to search very hard to find the 1 in 100 which she initiated.

The correspondence was almost always about her.

In the early days she would email me privately but ignored my replies.

I never really knew if she read any of them, and that left me feeling very uncertain of myself.

She never took the time to get to know me, and that makes me sad, because I took way too much time to get to know her.

She has over 4000 followers, and I guess I was just another number to her, since she said (in public on Twitter - not to me personally),
that because I unfollowed her she was going to ignore me - and she did. She also unfollowed me shortly thereafter.

She wasn't even curious as to why I'd done it, just told everyone that she was shocked by my behaviour (which she interpreted as passive-aggressive).

This was in August last year, and I haven't heard from her since.

I now have my peace of mind back somewhat.
 
I ditched Facebook, kicked supposed friends to the curb, and shut off from nearly everyone whom i did not come in contact with on a daily or weekly basis. I am refocusing on me.
I've always been the generous one, going out of my way and forgiving several times. But I've had it. From now on someone has to prove their worth to me by their actions, and not only by their words.
I suffer from depression (various stages) and deal with loneliness, but I am not gonna be used or taken advantage of anymore.
 
LonesomeDay said:
Last night I looked back on five years of correspondence (via Twitter), and I had to search very hard to find the 1 in 100 which she initiated. The correspondence was almost always about her.

At least Amy wanted to know but, what do I say... she is so all about her I can't take her anymore? But the first time I stopped talking to her it was really about the fact that she was too about her. I would pour my heart out with long e-mails and get back... short pithy sentences. All the time. Enough. I feel bad because I met up with her once when I was in DC and she was kind and really did a lot more than most, but, there is just no there there. She lives in Virgina, I do not. I won't be moving there. Why am I friends with this person?

I do feel she noticed, in part, because she likes to have followers.

I do feel lately like I am attempting to have a "sutton first" world. Where I put myself first and allow myself to have opinions on people. Like if they don't benefit me... why I am I tolerating them?
 
LonelySutton said:
LonesomeDay said:
Last night I looked back on five years of correspondence (via Twitter), and I had to search very hard to find the 1 in 100 which she initiated. The correspondence was almost always about her.

[...] I would pour my heart out with long e-mails and get back... short pithy sentences. All the time. Enough. [...]

Exactly that - yet she wrote long, drawn out and emotionally heavy-laden blog posts needing a lot of everyone's time and attention.
 
LonesomeDay said:
Exactly that - yet she wrote long, drawn out and emotionally heavy-laden blog posts needing a lot of everyone's time and attention.

I mean I don't want to suggest the regular give and take but it was in the years where you corresponded via e-mail and you would go to great lengths to color the text and spell check, well maybe it was just me. And just too many times I would get back a half ass response that quoted the wrong thing and said yes or no. You could tell she didn't think about them.

I got the feeling she had so many friends and so much going on she didn't have time to respond to me. But she did want to keep me because she answered... but still.

Then when I got her facebook page it sort of made some sense. She would put up videos talking to her Lovelys and had a few fan boys, she is pretty. But I don't want to be yet another fan.
 
LonelySutton said:
LonesomeDay said:
Exactly that - yet she wrote long, drawn out and emotionally heavy-laden blog posts needing a lot of everyone's time and attention.

I mean I don't want to suggest the regular give and take but it was in the years where you corresponded via e-mail and you would go to great lengths to color the text and spell check, well maybe it was just me. And just too many times I would get back a half ass response that quoted the wrong thing and said yes or no. You could tell she didn't think about them.

That really pisses me off when I do the same thing and go out of my way to try and send a lengthy email or PM and then only get three sentences or one paragraph back. I like to receive a message/email with substance not just a few "I know what you mean" or "uh-huh, same here."

Usually I end up being the one to stop the messaging. And don't even get me started on self-absorbed individuals...the main reason I stopped using social media.
 
beautiful loser said:
Usually I end up being the one to stop the messaging. And don't even get me started on self-absorbed individuals...the main reason I stopped using social media.

Usually I like social media because you can stop following someone on social media and not have to listen to them, but sometimes you just have to cut someone off because you can't see any reason for them to still be in your life. But getting back to original thread, when I keep cutting people off.. you start thinking, is this normal? If you get rid of the few people who seem to tolerate you, at the time you make the least amount of friends... you start wondering if you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Or I do.

I guess though I just feel like since she doesn't live near me what good is she anyway?
 
LonelySutton said:
[...] If you get rid of the few people who seem to tolerate you, at the time you make the least amount of friends... you start wondering if you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Or I do. [...]

You could hang on to them, but it would mean giving them so much more of your time, and for so little in return - just a few crumbs really.
 
I've always had an easy time making friends and most people I work with and have worked with have generally been very friendly to me.

In fact, when I lived in New Hampshire I had to leave for Florida due to my father's health. On my last day at work, someone called me into the break room. Everyone was in there and there was a cake, a large basket of muffins and a gas card that everyone chipped in to get for me. They said they were going miss me and everyone signed a card.

Before leaving that day, one guy pulled me aside and told me he had been there for over ten years and not one time did they ever do that for an employee...I was floored. I guess I won them over...my charm and my slight southern drawl I guess. :p Just kidding, but I was absolutely shocked when I was told that.

Anyway, I'm not trying to toot my own horn, just saying that I can make friends very easily. But, I can also drop friends very easily and I have been doing that the past few years, especially if someone moves away. Sad part is, it doesn't bother me anymore for being that way.

LonelySutton said:
I guess though I just feel like since she doesn't live near me what good is she anyway?

If someone is no longer in my personal space, I really don't feel the need to keep in touch. I want someone to hang out with, go fishing, go get lunch, help me when I need help with something and vice versa. I really don't care to see the new car or improvements to the home or vacation pics (emails and social media). I know that sounds callous, but I'm a typical scorpio...all or nothing. You're either in my personal space or we just drift apart.

So, LS, I think it is normal to cut people out of your life and I don't see it as a sign of depression. As for people at work, I've done that several times. If they seem to use me just for their fulfillment, we are done. For me, it's not depression at all, it's being let down/pissed off one last time.

I believe in give and take and 50/50 in friendships (as well as relationships) and if you aren't going to give as much as I do, we're done. Some people are just selfish and are too dumb to realize it...or they just don't care and get what they can take.

As for dropping your message board friends. Things eventually go stale after a long period of time and sometimes it's okay to move on. Again, I don't see that as a sign of depression. Boredom, maybe, but not depression.
 
To get back to your original post.

The link between depression and withdrawal is unclear. Both hurt like hell.

Clinical depression is easier to define, because at that point one stops functioning.

I would say that it's a question of degree.

You are still functioning, therefore I would say that you are experiencing a mild depression.
 

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